To Whom It May Concern
ALCOHOL TROUBLESHOOTING GUIDE
SYMPTOM: Feet cold and wet.
FAULT: Glass being held at incorrect angle.
ACTION:Rotate glass so that open end points toward ceiling.
SYMPTOM: Feet warm and wet.
FAULT: Improper bladder control.
ACTION:Stand next to nearest dog, complain about house training.
SYMPTOM: Drink unusually pale and tasteless.
FAULT: Glass empty.
ACTION: Get someone to buy you another drink.
SYMPTOM Opposite wall covered with fluorescent lights.
FAULT: You have fallen over backward.
ACTION: Have yourself lashed to the bar.
SYMPTOM: Mouth contains cigarette butts.
FAULT: You have fallen forward.
ACTION: See above.
SYMPTOM: Alcohol tasteless, front of your shirt is wet.
FAULT: Mouth not open, or glass applied to wrong part of face.
ACTION:Retire to restroom, practice in mirror.
SYMPTOM:Floor blurred.
FAULT: You are looking through bottom of empty glass.
ACTION:Get someone to buy you another drink.
SYMPTOM:Floor moving.
FAULT:You are being carried out.
ACTION:Find out if you are being taken to another bar.
SYMPTOM:Room seems unusually dark.
FAULT: Bar has closed.
ACTION: Confirm home address with bartender.
SYMPTOM: Taxi suddenly takes on colourful aspect and textures.
FAULT:Alcohol consumption has exceeded personal limitations.
ACTION:Cover mouth.
SYMPTOM: Everyone looks up to you and smiles.
FAULT: You are dancing on the table.
ACTION: Fall on somebody cushy-looking.
SYMPTOM: Drink is crystal-clear.
FAULT: It's water. Somebody is trying to sober you up.
ACTION: Punch him.
SYMPTOM: Hands hurt, nose hurts, mind unusually clear.
FAULT: You have been in a fight.
ACTION:Apologize to everyone you see, just in case it was them.
SYMPTOM: Don't recognize anyone, don't recognize the room you're in.
FAULT: You've wandered into the wrong party.
ACTION: See if they have free alcohol.
SYMPTOM: Your singing sounds distorted.
FAULT: The drink is too weak.
ACTION: Have more alcohol until your voice improves.
SYMPTOM: Don't remember the words to the song.
FAULT: Drink is just right.
ACTION: Play air guitar.
.
Re: To Whom It May Concern
