PSA: Dear Turkey Fryers

[Okla-homey]

As a fellow turkey fryer, I feel obligated to share the following 15 Rules.

Homey's FIFTEEN Turkey Frying Rulez

1. Make sure you have enough propane to get-r-done. If you run out, odds are the store where you buy refills will be closed... because its Thanksgiving dumarse! Also, if, in spite of this warning, you run out of propane, it's a bad idea to try to "finish her up" on top of the kitchen stove or the charcoal grill. See rule #10 below.

2. For planning purposes, put about the same amount of water in your frying vessel as the amount of oil you plan to use. Then put in your turkey to check on the final level. If the water level, with the turkey in the water, is within three inches of the top of the pot, back off on the amount of water until you get there. Oncet you have that right, take out the turkey, and scratch a mark at the waterline on the inside of the pot so you'll know how much oil to use. It's best to do this the day before if possible. See next rule.

3. Make sure the turkey is completely thawed and dry when you drop it...otherwise water/ice + boiling oil = ASSPLOSION! Pat it down good with plenty of paper towels or clean t-shirts, etc. before dropping it

4. Wear non-porous gloves when dropping the turkey in the oil and later on taking it out.

5. A word about "dropping" the turkey. Do not literally do so. Do it slow, wearing the gloves, and under no circumstances, allow your gloved hand to touch the boiling oil.

6. DO NOT FRY YOUR TURKEY WHILE UNDER THE INFLUENCE OF MIND-ALTERING SUBSTANCES. And no, "Wild Turkey" is not a good accompaniment with "frying a turkey."

7. Mind your temperature. CONSTANTLY. Do not let your oil evar get above 375F. After dropping the bird, try to maintain 325F. If you don't have a proper frying thermometer for monitoring the oil temp, you have no business trying to fry a turkey. Note the time when you drop the turkey. Fry for Eight (8) minutes per pound. If you have to go take a leak, drop a deuce, or intercept a phone call from your girlfriend before your wife anwers the phone, make sure some SOBER adult-type person can watch the fryer for you.

8. Wear shoes. And long pants. And a shirt. The thing spatters something fierce. Remind yourself of that time you fried bacon in a skillet on the stove while just wearing your WWE or Dale Jr. boxer shorts. OUCH!

9. Do not let kids around the fryer unless CLOSELY supervised by a SOBER you. They will be curious. They may even be tempted to toss in a dog turd or something to see what happens. Do not let kids play or engage in horseplay/tomfoolery near the fryer contraption. Ditto your dogs.

10. Do not fry your turkey in the house, mobile home or your attached garage. Every year hillbillies burn their flippin' houses/trailers down -- mainly because they violate this rule combined with violations of rules #3 and 6 (above)

11. Do not allow drunk cousin Cleetus or your best bud Billy Wayne to try and "painch theyself a taste" while the turkey is immersed in the hot oil. They will experience great pain, quickly withdraw their finger, knife, stick (or whatever,) possibly turning over the fryer and causing the same result as at rule #3.

12. Fire extinguishers are your friend. Big 'uns. Class A,B,C.

13. It's NOT a good idea to use the same oil you fried fish in last August to fry your turkey

14. If any of the above rules are violated and there is a resultant catastrophic assplosion or fire, you cannot extinguish several gallons of flaming oil with your hosepipe hooked up to the outside spigot. You will only make it worse. Nor can you extinguish the flames by pulling down the drapes in front of the "pitcher winnder" in the front room and tossing them on top to "smother it." Get everyone out, and away, and call 911. Then, crack open a cold one and watch the fun as the fire department tries to save what's left of your place.

15. Finally, after frying the turkey, don't forget to turn off the propane. Also, wait for the oil to cool before trying to pour it into gallon milk jugs for use next year.

[fadada1]

too much work. i'll let mom cook it in the oven.

[LilSooner]

I will be frying the christmas turkey out round the cement pond this year. So I can kick that bitch in if assplodes.

[StoopTroup]

Good Points Homey.

It's not as much work if you have a cooler of beer to sit on while your cooking Fadada...

Also if you have a TV in your workshop / frying area...

It can be a great place to get away from the honey-do list.

[StoopTroup]

I will be frying the christmas turkey out round the cement pond this year. So I can kick that bitch in if assplodes.

Grease fire + water.....

That might be a point Homey missed...

I better recheck the list...lol

[slickdawg]

I engineered a great solution for dropping the bird.

I took an old shower curtain rod, and put the turkey on one end, me on the other, and lower it that way. No burns, no splashes.

[Okla-homey]

I engineered a great solution for dropping the bird.

I took an old shower curtain rod, and put the turkey on one end, me on the other, and lower it that way. No burns, no splashes.

That's hillbilly genius!

[BeetDigger]

Keeping a large fire extinguisher nearby is probably an smart thing to do. And by large, I mean genormous. A couple of gallons of burning peanut oil may take a bit to put out. Keep the water hose wound up and next to the house. It'll only serve to splatter the fire around.

[whatsername]

As a fellow turkey fryer, I feel obligated to share the following 15 Rules.

15. Finally, after frying the turkey, don't forget to turn off the propane. Also, wait for the oil to cool before trying to pour it into gallon milk jugs for use next year.

Seriously? You can save this oil for a year and use it again?

We're frying our turkey this year. What should I inject it with? Or should I bother injecting it with anything?

[fadada1]

What should I inject it with? Or should I bother injecting it with anything?

i think you can get arrested for that - see thread about the guy with the deer.

[King Crimson]

only a real ****ing hillbilly has "an old shower rod"...

[Okla-homey]

Seriously? You can save this oil for a year and use it again?

You can. I have. It won't go bad if kept in a cool dry place in an airtight container.

We're frying our turkey this year. What should I inject it with? Or should I bother injecting it with anything?

There are various commercial concoctions for injecting available at Wally-World and other retailers.

[MamaMia]

Thanks for the tips. My son is bringing his fryer. I was told to get the oil. I did so. Atwood's had the 35 pound box of Peanut/Soy oil that it says is especially for turkey frying. I hope that will be okay. I'll call today to see what kind of propane tank I should get.

[reevie]

Seriously? You can save this oil for a year and use it again?

We're frying our turkey this year. What should I inject it with? Or should I bother injecting it with anything?

Just filter the oil when you're removing it from the pot.

And while you've got all that hot oil, cook some other things. Slice up some potatos for french fries. Last year I dropped a couple of chickens in there to eat after the turkey was gone.

[mrowl]

Also, wait for the oil to cool before trying to pour it into gallon milk jugs for use next year.

this would be a HUGE pain in the ***. out.

[Okla-homey]

this would be a HUGE pain in the ***. out.

a funnel helps.

[whatsername]

i think you can get arrested for that - see thread about the guy with the deer.

Only if I get caught.

[whatsername]

You can. I have. It won't go bad if kept in a cool dry place in an airtight container.

Cool, that should save some money. That peanut oil is kinda expensive! How many times do you use it before you toss it?

[OUAndy1807]

here's a PSA for turkey fryers: buy a smoker.

[OUAndy1807]

Cool, that should save some money. That peanut oil is kinda expensive! How many times do you use it before you toss it?

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