Love for kids > love for spouse?

[Soonerjeepman]

on talk radio the other day they had this discussion...

I'm 50 and I'm assuming MOST of folks my parents age (73 and older) basically felt that love of spouse would trump love of kids.

My mom has said many times when she was growing up, adults got served dinner first...hence somewhat supporting that theory, course grandpa was a farmer so that was a part of it as well.


Several interesting views:

1. folks love kids more due to they are a part of them and the bond is permanent....a spouse can be changed (due to a variety of reasons). Is this a catch 22? it became that way because the divorce rate skyrocketed or the divorce rate skyrocketed due to folks loving their kids more than their spouse (putting kids first).

2. one dj said she didn't like the word "more"..use different, she also said she wanted her kids to stay close to her...me, I'm like go see the world...lol.

3. I think most women would say love of children and men would say love of spouse...maybe that's an issue as well.

4. Some lady had an article out about our generation has put children in front of the spousal relationship. I agree.


Personally I know my ex and I fought about this...she always put the WANT and needs of the children above our mine...a lot. *yes, divorce is a two way street and I played a role in it as well...

discuss~

[SicEmBaylor]

My parents ALWAYS put my sister and I first and foremost above themselves in every situation. My parents would never have dreamed of even going out to dinner, a movie, let alone a vacation without us along with them. My sister and I got everything we wanted, when we wanted, without question (within obvious reason of course).

I know there are parents out there who don't. A long time poster around here made a comment the other day on Facebook that he and his wife always put their marriage before kids. I can't even begin to imagine what living in a family like that would have been like. My parents would abhor the idea of doing anything for themselves because, to them, it would feel as if they were taking something away from us (my sister and I). Just very different cultures family to family...

I read on Reddit the other day a guy who mentioned that, growing up, he wasn't even allowed to be in the house without one of his parents there. If both parents were gone, they would kick him out of the house. He wasn't even allowed to have a key to his own home because they didn't want him sneaking home when they weren't around.

In any case, I'm not a parent. But if I were then I don't think I could be as selfless with my kids as my parents were/are. I think I'd have to have time to myself -- I'm the type that needs peace and quiet. I'm a natural introvert and sometimes I just need to hold up somewhere in a cave and be left the hell alone.

[badger]

My sister and I got everything we wanted, when we wanted, without question (within obvious reason of course).

BoomErSooner: Mommy, daddy, I know that you are both OSU alums and all, but do you mind if I attend OU?

Parents: You change that name and that college decision right now, young man!

SicEmBaylor: Better?

Parents: Better!

[rock on sooner]

Jeep, I'm almost 20 years your senior...I have two points of view...when I was
growing up, my folks were pretty self centered. We didn't have much...actually,
fair to say, we were poor, but us kids didn't know that, so, the folks really cared
more for their habits/wants and for the kids it was, what we had to have.

After growing up, serving Uncle, going to college and meeting and marrying my
wife, when kids came along in our marriage, it was all about the kids then, even
now, when they are adults and, most assuredly, about the grandkids...I can't
count the number of lost hours of sleep, miles driven (at all hours) to get the
kids where they needed to be....just seemed like the right thing to do. And,
given what I know, I'd do it all over again. So, I'm not sure where I'd fall in
the talk show argument.........

[Ton Loc]

Marriage first, then your kids. It's not about being self-centered. Its about working on what is most important to keep the family happy, healthy, and together. If your marriage sucks what do you think is going to happen with your kids and the rest of your family.

[FaninAma]

Parents have to support each other and present a unified front when dealing with their children. That means your spouse always comes first emotionally. Materialistic needs are entirely a different matter. My wife and I don't go without decent cars, homes etc. We could have afforded to be much more extravigant but instead chose to spend money that benefitted our children....college, sporting teams , vacations that they would enjoy, braces, a decent first car, spending money so they could concentrate on academics.

[8timechamps]

Interesting conversation.

The only thing I would add is that spouses can fall out of love. Love for your children is eternal.

[SicEmBaylor]

BoomErSooner: Mommy, daddy, I know that you are both OSU alums and all, but do you mind if I attend OU?

Parents: You change that name and that college decision right now, young man!

SicEmBaylor: Better?

Parents: Better!

Well, that was one big exception. I still would have chose Baylor over OU after visiting Baylor, but I would likely not have visited Baylor had going to OU not been an issue.

[Soonerjeepman]

Marriage first, then your kids. It's not about being self-centered. Its about working on what is most important to keep the family happy, healthy, and together. If your marriage sucks what do you think is going to happen with your kids and the rest of your family.

yup...unfortunately my marriage went south...there isn't a day I don't feel "guilty" about what it did to the kids. There were older (15/18) and knew for years things weren't good. I think about the future...grandkids...weddings...everything. How our "family" isn't a traditional...sucks. BUT I am much happier and I hope I am showing my kids what a good relationship is with my fiance.

[Soonerjeepman]

Rock and Fan...

yes, I (we) did the same thing. We aren't "poor" both teachers...but we did sports (not the super $$ club teams), got them cars...not great but decent...etc. Both kids were required to work...I think it teaches them responsibility, timeliness, money management. Thank the good Lord, my brother had set up a college fund for the kids. My son has a scholarship for baseball so that helps, but he's getting a loan to live and both kids are getting Pell Grants as well. I try to help when I can...but not breaking my back like some folks I know.

I can't (really can) wait for grandkids. Spoiling grandkids is grandpa's job. LOL.

Obviously, my marriage had more issues than the kids, but that seemed to be a biggie. Funny the ex complained I controlled everything...and now almost 4 years later she's till the same person....ah well, not my problem now! Be proud though that you've been married to same person..I admire that and wished I had made a better choice 23 years ago. The good is my kids...both great young people despite my ex and I.

[FaninAma]

Soonerjeep, I know making a marriage work is tough. It takes a lot of effort and and more than a little good luck. My wife has the patience of Job so I am fortunate in that regards.

I am glad you are happier. My parents divorced when I was 12. They fought bitterly so it was all for the best. My stepfather was a good man and was very patient with my brother and me. I think a lot about the difference and I really think it comes down to maturity. My mother was a lot more mature when she remarried and so was my stepfather. It allowed them to not be so selfish and to overlook some of the flaws in the other person.

It's amazing how many of my flaws my wife is able to overlook.

[Soonerjeepman]

lol...I understand.

My mom told us from the time I can remember that "it's hard work"...never much said it's really fun as well. I had major issues...and like you said, hopefully I've matured and found more about myself and realized that I MUST be happy by myself first. I approached my first marriage as "it's time to be an adult" "she's a good person" "we have lots of things in common"....not good things to approach marriage with.

My kids are tired of me talking to them about relationships...knowing yourself..what you like, what you want...I pray they make a better choice the first time. I've never believed the "there's only one" for folks...definitely some are better fits than others.

My fiance has a 9 yr old boy. The ex (dad) hasn't talked to him in 2 months because his mom sent him to Colo to see her brother. The boy had just spent 2 weeks with his dad but this trip was over his weekend. He threatened all kinds of BS..which of course he never followed through with because he's an idiot and wrong...but basically told the boy that he might as well just live with his mom since he (the boy) doesn't love him (dad). This guy is 56 years old...unbelievable. The sad is the kid is actually relieved. Anyway, guess that was in ref to your step-dad. My son was 9th grade...daughter graduated...just hope the damage is minimal.