Texas Jokes

I am in a need for some really good UT jokes. I have been a sooner fan since I was born and have had season tickets for 8 years. My husband and I have been married for almost 14 years. The reason any of this sh** is important is because my brother in laws have married sisters who are the biggest most annoying Texass fans EVER! I rank them right along with OSU fans. They don't know how to win with any class whatsoever. I explained to them that when you expect to win - it hurts to lose; however, when you are not used to winning you can't handle it with class. I just received an email from one of them with OU jokes in it. (quite lame I might add) SO, I need your best jokes - the crueler the better!

http://www.texasrebelradio.com/texas_jokes.htm

Some of these aren't bad.

Here's a few more... more of these are caustic towards Texans.

http://www.earlytexasfamilies.com/hu.../duck_hunt.htm

Texas builds it larger
A Texan, while visiting Toronto, found himself in the back seat of a taxi cab on the way to his hotel. Passing by the Royal York the Texan asked the cab driver "What's that building there?" "That's the Royal York Hotel" replied the cabbie. "The Royal York? How long did it take to build that?" asked the Texan. "About 12 years" replied the cabbie.

"12 years? We build 'em twice as high, twice as wide and four times as long down in Texas, and we do that in six months."

A while later the cab driver makes his was past the Metro-Toronto Convention Centre. "What's that building over there?" asked the Texan. "That's the Metro-Toronto Convention Centre" replied the cabbie. "Convention Centre? How long'd it take to build that?" asked the Texan. "About three years" replied the cabbie. "Three years? We build 'em twice as high, three times as long and four times as wide as that down in Texas, and it only takes us about two weeks."

Shortly thereafter the cabbie drives past the CN Tower. "What's that building there?" asks the Texan, pointing at the tower. "Danged if I know" replied the cabbie, "It wasn't here when I drove by yesterday."

That should get you started...

http://halife.com/files/aggie.html

Couple texas football players are walking down the street hooping and hollering loudly. Someone asks them what they are celebrating. They reply, "We just put together a jigsaw puzzle in just over 1 month." Someone said, "So..." They replied, "Well, the box said 2-4 years on it!"

http://images.nfl.com/photos/img6348851.jpg

LOL! That joke cannot be topped!

heres one i heard

A confused house husband was doing laundry. He stumbled upon a sweatshirt and couldn't figure out how to wash it. He then asked his wife, "Hey honey, how do you wash this sweatshirt?" His wife then asked, "I don't know, what does it say?" The husband then replied, "The University of Texas."

Q:How many University of Texas students does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

A:Four, one to screw it in, one boasts about how great the light bulbs were back when Darrel Royal was there and the other two leave about halfway through.

[I am preparing for a barage of warnings from the admins . . . but this joke is worth it]

Two Horn fans are driving down a 4-number county road in south texas in their pickup when they spy on the side of the road a little calf with his head stuck in a barb-wire fence. Screeeeech!!! The longhorn at the wheel slams on his brakes, gets out, runs over to the calf. Once he gets there he promptly drops his pants and, um, services the calf. Once he's done, he pulls his pants up, wipes the sweat off his brow, and sashays back to the truck and says to his friend "Hey Tex, you want some of this action?" His friend's face lights up and he yells "Sure!!!!"

And runs over and sticks his head in the fence.

[I hope I don't get baned.]

What's transparent and lies by the side of the road?

Lid with the **** kicked out of him.

Two sooners and a Ut fan are walking to the cotton bowl together for the game.
As they round a corner there in front of them is an unconcious woman laying naked and face up on the sidewalk.
While a 4th fair patron runs to summon the police, the 3 game-goers decide that the noble thing to do is to protect this womans modesty.
So they take their ball caps off and cover her privates with them.
After the police arrive they determine she is dead and they begin to write their reports.

One young officer was assigned the task of describing the victims body. He lifts the "Sooners" cap off of her left breast stares for a brief moment and then sets it gently back in place and begins to write in his notepad.

Next he lifts the "OU" cap off of the womans right breast, studies it for a brief moment and then sets it too back gently and again writes in his notepad.

Finally he lifts the "HORNS" ballcap off of her pubic region. He studies it for a few moments and then sets the cap down and begins to scratch his head. He thinks for a few moments and then lifts the hat again. Again he puts it back down and scratches his head.

As he begins to lift the cap for the 3rd time, the Ut fan has had enough.

"Hey there, young fella" he yells "what are you some sorta perv?? Or have you just never seen one of them before??"

"No Sir" the young officer replies. "Usually the only thing we ever find under a HORNS cap is an *******."

Quote:

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Originally Posted by coacheswife

I am in a need for some really good UT jokes. I have been a sooner fan since I was born and have had season tickets for 8 years. My husband and I have been married for almost 14 years. The reason any of this sh** is important is because my brother in laws have married sisters who are the biggest most annoying Texass fans EVER! I rank them right along with OSU fans. They don't know how to win with any class whatsoever. I explained to them that when you expect to win - it hurts to lose; however, when you are not used to winning you can't handle it with class. I just received an email from one of them with OU jokes in it. (quite lame I might add) SO, I need your best jokes - the crueler the better!

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I would tell you one but I have never found anything funny about a :texan:

has all the jokes you'll need (shameless plug for me):

http://weather.ou.edu/~fiore/bevo.html

I used to know one about a QB getting a 6 on the Wonderlic but i forgot the punch line.

Q: Why do you never ask someone if they are from Texas!

A: No need to...because if they are, they will surely announce it to anyone that comes within 10 feet of them. (as in "Hi y'all..I'm ol' Billy Wayne Assgrinder from Lubbuck,Tx":texan: .) And if they are not from Texas.....they will surely be offended.

A UT Vol, a t-sip and an Aggie walk into the bar at the same time and decide to have a drinking contest.

The UT Vol orders a fifth of Jack Daniels, pours a pint glass, drains it, tosses the fifth bottle into the air, pulls his revolver out and shoots the fifth, shattering glass everywhere. Then he says "We've got lots of whiskey in Tennesseee."

The t-sip orders a bottle of fruity blush wine, drains a pint glass, throws the bottle into the air, pulls his revolver, shoots the bottle and says "we've got a lot of wine in Austin.

The Aggie looks at both of the other two, orders a bottle of Cuervo, drains a pint glass, pulls his revolver, shoots the t-sip and says "We've got a lot of these faggots in Texas."

AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!! That was AWESOME!!!

How do you stop Mack Brown from m*s*u*b*t*n*?

paint his stuff crimson and cream... he won't beat it for five years...

Anyone know why VY wears that longhorns skull cap? To cover the circumcision scars.

You know how to tell if a Longhorn is married, by the tobacco stains on both outside doors of his pickup.
Hear about the Longhorn who dialed the operator and ask how to dial a hyphen.
Or the Horn who went crayz when ask to draw a circle,as he didn't know where to begin.
Or the horn who thought a carnation was a large used car lot.
Or the horn who had used up all his sick leave so he called in dead.

Why do birds fly upside down over Texas?


Because it ain't worth crapping on.