Of course, they also threw three picks in a row to Tony Jefferson, who had a fourth pick in a row on his fingertips and dropped it. That was giving us shades of Antonio Perkins against UCLA a few years ago when he returned three punts for TDs and we couldn’t believe they kicked it anywhere near him after the first one.
All in all, an impressive performance. Dom Whaley was a stud, especially swinging out of the backfield catching passes and ravaging Ball State’s secondary. Brandon Williams finally saw the field and showed some flashes in garbage time. Other than a woefully overthrown ball that got picked off, Landry Jones was impressive as well. We didn’t really care for him being in the game when the score was far out of reach, but Coach Stoops has been known to do that. Frankly, Ball State had the ball more than we did (a lot more, in fact, until we started killing the clock in the second half), so Landry was in later to get in his snaps.
And now, a short review of American sporting Cardinals, noting of course that we are not ornithologists, amateur or otherwise.
Chicago/St. Louis/ Arizona football – a generally anatomically correct cardinal head, albeit with a steely gaze that isn’t likely found in nature.
Arizona bird.
St. Louis baseball – also anatomically correct, with the whole bird perched on a bat. We can see that happening in real life, if bats were provided for perching.
St. Louis bird.
Louisville football – a non-anatomically correct cardinal head with an angry look in its eye and a beak-twisting sneer that we’re pretty sure is physically impossible. Those beaks aren’t very flexible, to our knowledge. And, as an eagle-eyed commenter pointed out (and, frankly, we can't see why we didn't mention it in the first place), birds don't have teeth.
Louisville bird with a weird beak.
Ball State football – take a generally anatomically correct cardinal head. Then flatten it with a steamroller. Then do it twice more to other heads. Then stack them on top of each other, offsetting each slightly. Then drop several hits of purple microdot all at once so you see mega tracers. That’s the Ball State logo.
Ball State trippy bird.
Stanford football – a tree. A cardinal could sit in a tree. Of course, Stanford’s mascot is the color cardinal, not the bird, but that’s just stupid anyway. We still like the anthropomorphic tree mascot, for reasons we can’t disclose publicly.
Stanford. Not a bird.
Best name for a QB ever – Ball State’s Keith Wenning (sounds like winning). Charlie Sheen approves. Or maybe Steele Jantz, but for different reasons. Worst name for a QB ever – former Kansas QB (now receiver) Kale Pick. Can’t make that one up. Having a QB named Pick is like having a doctor named Death. It’s just not a good idea.
Speaking of Kansas, we presume we weren’t the only ones to notice their odd attire last Saturday – they looked more like the AFL-era Houston Oilers than Kansas. Apparently, it was some kind of throwback to 1961, when they won the Bluebonnet Bowl. That was 50 years ago, and they sucked then, too. I guess you’ve got to commemorate something at some point.
Kansas? Houston Oilers? You be the judge.
In conference realignment news, Missouri is apparently leaving. Or at least looking around. Our opinion? Door. A s s. Don’t let it hit you there on your way out. Missouri is decadent, depraved, evil and wrong, and we have known this since about the third of the nine or so times we attended an OU-Missouri Big 8/12 basketball tournament game at 8:30 on a Friday night hard by the Stockyards in the West Bottoms of Kansas City. You can only put up with so many drunken Ozark hillbillies who first got lit at 10:00 that morning in the parking lot jumping across the aisle at you screaming in your face over something that happened in the game before you start to get a little jaded about them. We hope they leave and leave quickly so we can be done with them. Just as with Collie Aggy, they can go to the SEC and not win just as well as they didn’t win in the Big 12.
Supposedly BYU and others will come into the conference. We don’t care at this point. We want out, and that’s apparently not happening, so tell us where the games will be played, and we’ll be there to kick the *** of whoever’s on the other sideline, and let the chips fall where they may.
Moving on to more important matters - let us be blunt. Bryan Harsin is a son of a bitch.
Son of a bitch.
He’s a sneaky little bastard, and we believe that he will dial up the Statue of Liberty on Saturday just to **** all of us off. Maybe even have Colt McCoy’s little brother propose to a cheerleader, too. We put the over/under on the number of Horns that will throw passes in live action in the Cotton Bowl on Saturday at four. We’re taking the over. Sneaky bastard.
Sneaky little bastard.
We have watched Texas football this season. We continue to believe that Texas’ defense is pretty good and Texas’ offense is OK. We continue to believe that if you have two quarterbacks, you have no quarterbacks. We continue to believe that the Sooners are head and shoulders better as a team than Texas.
Texas blew out a really bad UCLA team and an Iowa State team that basically handed them 28 points. Texas was 29% on third down against Iowa State and outgained them by a whopping 20 yards. Texas scored on a blocked field goal and otherwise had only two scoring drives of over 29 yards. You saw that right – 29 yards. Texas’ offensive scoring drive distances against Iowa State – 13 yards, 24 yards, 0 yards, 80 yards, 67 yards, 24 yards.
All of these are proven facts. Yet, we are confident that, in the end, the game on Saturday will be the usual titanic struggle. We see the Sooners winning by at least 10, but not easily. We would love to be proven horribly wrong, in a good way. Someone pointed out that the last two times Texas came into this game ranked #11 they lost 63-14 and 65-13. We don’t know if that’s true or not, but it sounds like a great stat to keep in mind.
We can say only this – be careful, stay safe, and have fun. Flip the bird to those loser Cows on the east side of I-35 around Valley View. For some bizarre reason, they will be out there on Sunday to take their medicine as well. Eat corny dogs and fried whatever the hell they have at the Fair for breakfast. Let’s bring home the Hat once again.
Bring home the Hat!
BEAT THE HELL OUTTA TEXAS!!
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