Add some to this western novella...

[Okla-homey]

Hank was too busy to think much about Cindy, the young sweetheart he left behind for the dangers and bone jarring hard work of the cattle drive. That first night on the trail, as he unrolled his blankets and began to settle down for a few hours sleep, he had no idea of the the evile afoot. Meanwhile back at the ranch, Cindy...

[swardboy]

...couldn't help but think about Hank's bone jarring either. She longed for....

[swardboy]

....the smell of cow on Hank when he returned from the drive....

[OUinFLA]

As Cindy was moaning and writhing in her bedroom by herself as she was thinking of Hank, the town drifter Stanley was crouched down outside her window, listening and....

[OCUDad]

...wondering what the hell "evile afoot" meant. Slowly he crept to the window and...

[TUSooner]

left a greasy, bloody smear on the glass as he inadvertently smashed his nose into the window that wasn't open after all.
Meanwhile, Hank....

[OCUDad]

was unaware that Cindy screamed "Who's that?" as she leaped from the bed, dropping the sheet that had been covering her...

[SoonerBorn68]

delicious ding dongs she had been been enjoying from under the covers.

[Viking Kitten]

However, as soon as she recognized Stanley, she laughed heartily, as Stanley is her brother. She welcomed him into the boudoir, decorated in the style of a Victorian brothel, and offered him...

[OCUDad]

... a bandage for his bloody nose. "Stanley, I thought you had been banned," she said tenderly, holding...

[Viking Kitten]

a basketball and challenging him to...

[OCUDad]

a deathmatch of H-O-R-S-E with the village idiot savant, Dole Mite...

[Osce0la]

...knowing that Dole Mite is one bad a** date rapper, she feared for Stanley's safety...

[OCUDad]

…but Stanley shrugged off her concerns with a dismissive wave of the hand, boasting “Pshaw, woman, I can handle that little pi**ant like I handled Courtney Paris. Pshaw, I say…”

[TUSooner]

"But look, some yummy cream filling fell out of a ding dong and landed on your..."

[Viking Kitten]

A**less chaps. Then Cindy sighed heavily, for a**less chaps never failed to remind her of her beloved Hank, who always wore them when...

[Okla-homey]

he caressed her little dogeys. Meanwhile, back out on the range, Hank was unable to slumber as he daydreamed wistfully about Cindy. To his shock and awe, he happened to glance to the other side of the campfire where he spied Elbert, his fellow cowpuncher and a recently released ex-convict following a long lock-up in the territorial penitentiary. Elbert was leering suggestively at young Hank while casting come-hither glances. Hank was not sure how to respond, but he....

[OCUDad]

...made a mental note to introduce Elbert to Cindy's older brother, Howzit...

[StuIsTheMan]

Who is Dole Mite's H-O-R-S-E Coach and part time lover...

[OUinFLA]

Elbert noticed Hank's frosted eye gaze and thought..."Crap, I thought I was gonna be over this kinda thing after I left the pen." Then Elbert glared at Hank and said....

[StuIsTheMan]

Elbert noticed Hank's frosted eye gaze and thought..."Crap, I thought I was gonna be over this kinda thing after I left the pen." Then Elbert glared at Hank and said....

"Gee Hank...You sure got a pretty..."

[IB4OU2]

shetland". Do your legs drag when you ride? Hank said "yep, big blisters let me show you". So Hank pulls down his.......

[StuIsTheMan]

shetland". Do your legs drag when you ride? Hank said "yep, big blisters let me show you". So Hank pulls down his.......

leotard and pushes down his leg warmers to reveal the pussing blisters on his ankles...

[Viking Kitten]

then said, "Let me tell you something, Ebert. I do this for the love of dance. It's what I've got to DO." He took first position and proceeded to demonstrate proper technique for a plié. Ebert watched intently, meanwhile nobody noticed that a group of banditos was rustling the cattle until...

[StuIsTheMan]

then said, "Let me tell you something, Ebert. I do this for the love of dance. It's what I've got to DO." He took first position and proceeded to demonstrate proper technique for a plié. Ebert watched intently, meanwhile nobody noticed that a group of banditos was rustling the cattle until...

the one cattle rustler, that was an OSU fan and having sexual relations with one of the cows, got kicked into their camp fire. You see it was a bull not a cow he was secksing...

[IB4OU2]

Hank caught his TuTu on his spur and fell over flat on his face into a bowl of pinto beans. Then Ebert somewhat aroused jumped up from the campfire and yelled, "Stampede!" then ran over to Hank and....

[StuIsTheMan]

licked off the pinto beans from his face...then Hank...

[Honest Abe]

shot Ebert in the face and yelled, "I ain't no freakin' queer!". Hank proceeded to drag Elbert's body to the...

[StuIsTheMan]

shallow grave he had dug the night before...

[OCUDad]

... wondering whether to mark the tombstone "Elbert" or "Ebert." "Morans need to make up their mind what his name is," mused Hank...

[sooner_born_1960]

...then realized you don't put a tombstone on a shallow grave you dug for a guy you just murderd. Meanwhile Cindy ...

[StuIsTheMan]

wipes up stanley's tears after losing to Doleo in horse...

[IB4OU2]

Realizing 1tc stopped by while ago and watched Doleo and Stan play horse it suddenly occured to her those weren't really tears. So she...

[Viking Kitten]

wiped the tears away again, this time using the Clorox wipes she always kept in the hand-tooled leather purse that Hank once made for her. As she gently fingered the soft, supple leather, she suddenly remembered that it was Thursday, and that means...

[OCUDad]

...Bowling Night at the Pik-Me-Up Lanes downtown. So she grabbed her 16-pound pearlescent blue balls and...

[JohnnyMack]

started walking down the highway towards town. Then, she saw it. A pulsing green light coming from the desert. She finds herself drawn towards it...

[IB4OU2]

it was ladies night at Slippery Sams Saloon in HardWood and if she wore her hand tooled leather bra that Hank made her all the drinks are free. So she.......

[OCUDad]

...decided to ignore the last irrelevant post and kept walking toward the pulsing green light...

[Viking Kitten]

And silently thanked her lucky stars that the ecstacy she had dropped back at the campfire was starting to peak. Meanwhile, Stanley...

[KC//CRIMSON]

is back at the b-ball court getting his *ss handed to him by CP3........IN YO FACE, WHITE BOY.....SLAM!!

[Rogue]

Hank thanked his good fortune as he looked up and saw "Widowmaker," his trusty shetland, stamping his hoof as he always did when the feedbag was empty. "That reminds me," thought Hank...

[OCUDad]

..."I wonder if Cindy remembered to throw out the stash of ecstasy that I left in the nightstand. That s**t was poison"...

[OUinFLA]

Meanwhile, Cindy while walking to the green light began to reflect on good times of the past. Dwelling, mentally on one of her previous loves that everyone refered to as Gosh Darn Cowboy, but, as Cindy tried to economize her words callled him simply.....gdc......"I wonder if gdc is still.............

[Rogue]

wearing women's panties under his breeches? He was a nice enough boy, but that was just creepy. There were other things about him, too. Like the time when gdc...

[Okla-homey]

rode into town for a whoopin' hollerin' good time but even the soiled doves in the Bareback Saloon wouldn't dance with him for an extra twenty-dollar gold piece. The old timers said that's what put GDC off women for a time. Meanwhile, back out on the range, Hank's Shetland is starting to get winded as she desperately carries him through the sagebrush and mesquite enroute to Hank's one true love...

[Viking Kitten]

Cindy, who was lying in the desert stone cold trippin' on the hot dose of ex. Luckily, the delicious Ding Dongs she had shared with Stanley earlier in the day formed a protective, chocolatey barrier around her pancreas and she escaped certain doom. As a lonesome coyote howled a solemn goodnight lullabye to the moon from atop a nearby canyon, Hank approached...

[StuIsTheMan]

wearing nothing but black socks and a gold watch screamming....

[OCUDad]

"Cindy! Cindy! I don't know how to tell you this, but I have found another true love! Her name is Viking something-or-other, and I am determined to make her mine!"... Hank had secretly been plotting to steal this woman from her husband, a ne'er-do-well with a hideous sunburned dome from which small children ran screaming...

[Viking Kitten]

but little did Hank know that Viking something-or-other traveled the West singing Bavarian torch songs using the stage name "Teutonic Titwillow," and was currently shacking up with the sheriff of Rock Ridge because, well, she had discovered certain ethnic stereotypes were twoo! They were twoo! Meanwhile the evile afoot was taking an increasingly nefarious turn because...

[Rogue]

Francis and Jezebel and Johns, the notorious Johns Girls, were riding a foul wind into town from the east. Fresh from thievin', stealin', and lootin' Little Big South Hollow, a gambling and mining town, the sisters knew that the ranchers' auction always brought plenty of gold, men, and whiskey to Rock Ridge. The sisters called each other "BSG" and...

[Okla-homey]

a tribe of indians which previously had peacefully co-existed with its paleface neighbors was once again on the warpath. The war drums were beating and the hatchet unburied because the beautiful daughter of Chief Straining Metaphor had been persuaded to runnoft into the white world with a trashy itinerant peddler of cheap goods the indians simply called Old Vet. The name sprang from the fact among his wares, were certain patent medicines he claimed could cure an ill horse. In truth, these medicines were mostly alcohol and various herbs. They didn't cure, they simply made the animal drunk. Thus, a war party was off the reservation and itching for a fight when it encountered...

[Viking Kitten]

resistance within its own ranks coming from neophyte warrior "Bogarts Peacepipe," who had an annoying habit of pondering the nature of reality, arguing that he had no direct knowledge of the world around him, only an interpretation based upon his own sensory experiences. Chief Straining Metaphor rolled his eyes and pondered smacking Bogarts Peacepipe upside the head, when all of the sudden...

[Okla-homey]

the beautiful princess Stands With A Lisp emerged unharmed from the brush to report, "when Ol Vet wathn't looking I thole away quietly." After confirming Stands With a Lisp had been unharmed and her honor was still intact, Chief Straining Metaphor signaled his braves to saddle up and head back to the rez where the MegaBucks Texas Hold'em Tournament was set to begin at the tribe's Flaming Breechclout Casino the following day. Meanwhile...

[Viking Kitten]

on the way back to the rez, they war party stumbled over the loose soil marking the grave of the recently departed Elbert/Ebert. The chief realized this unexpected turn of events was cause for cautious optimism, because several years earlier...

[Okla-homey]

Elbert had been convicted of stealing chips from the Flaming Breechclout Casino but they were never found. Chief Straining Metaphor therefore ordered his braves to exhume Elbert in hopes of finding a map to the loot. Unfortunately, completely unknown to the Chief...

[StuIsTheMan]

Elbert had been convicted of stealing chips from the Flaming Breechclout Casino but they were never found. Chief Straining Metaphor therefore ordered his braves to exhume Elbert in hopes of finding a map to the loot. Unfortunately, completely unknown to the Chief...

Elbert/Ebert had the map tattooed to the top of his head. And in his disgust for for not locating the map the Chief scalped the carcus and hung it on his wall. And there it hung for years untill...

[OCUDad]

…Chief SM (as he liked to be called) admitted the body was not that of Elbert at all. You see, what had actually happened at the campfire that fateful night was an alien abduction – the pulsing green light Cindy had stumbled toward in her ecstasy-fueled haze. “Elbert/Ebert” had actually been an alien, and the map tattooed on its scalp led to…

[StuIsTheMan]

…Chief SM (as he liked to be called) admitted the body was not that of Elbert at all. You see, what had actually happened at the campfire that fateful night was an alien abduction – the pulsing green light Cindy had stumbled toward in her ecstasy-fueled haze. “Elbert/Ebert” had actually been an alien, and the map tattooed on its scalp led to…

Hanks huge stash of porn he had been hiding from Cindy for years...

[LoyalFan]

...which he began to pruriently peruse. However, the sun having set and with only soft moonlight illuminating the scene 'neath the western sky he was visually challenged. It was only after the Chief built a fire (and he knew that it was a good fire) that he realized that what he thought read "PlayCowBoy" 'crost the cover was actually "LadyBoys With Big..."
"Oh well." muttered the old warrior, "Nuh-um ah-ooga boodlyakasaki wonsum seafood mah-mah." (Translation: "Any port in a storm.")
Then, suddenly...

[Okla-homey]

Cindy emerged from the gloom. She was bloody but alive. She muttered barely comprehensible somethings about being captured by a peddler. She seemed to be saying this peddler mistook her for the Chief's daughter Stands With A Lisp, who the Chief knew had recently escaped the clutches of the man know to the tribe as the dirty Ol Vet. It would appear Ol Vet took out his frustration at losing the lovely Stands With A Lisp on this poor white woman. The Chief could quickly see this disoriented white girl's ramblings added up. While all this was happening, still miles away, Hank's shetland threw a shoe and was now lame. Hank decided to continue on foot. At least until he encountered...

[StuIsTheMan]

A sign that read...
"Wanted...Horses, Dead or Alive, will pay top dollar. The Elmers Glue Co."
So he went back to his lame shetlant and drug it to the glue factory only to find out...

[IB4OU2]

the shetlands name wasn't Elmer. Being a bit dissapointed and somewhat distrought Hank drug the lame shetland to the back of the new eatery in Hardwood and he......

[mxATVracer10]

PIITB :texan:

[StuIsTheMan]

and sold it to a chinamen that ran a soup kitchen for used up Whor(n)es. Hank only got two bits but that was enough for his...

[OCUDad]

...subway ride back to town. He imediately enrolled in a Creative Writing class to avoid being one of those people who keep screwing up a perfectly good western novella with illiterate and irrelevant piffle about chinamen, porn, whor(n)es and other such...

[Rogue]

cross era references. Meanwhile, back at the ranch,

[Mixer!]

the evil T.Boone Pickens and his slow-witted sidekick Kid Gundy were looking to foreclose on Cindy's ranch in order to obtain her mineral rights, just as he had done to many other poor homesteaders living near the rusty canyon. "Soon, Kid", he cackled as he twirled his mustache from beneath his giant black Stetson...

[OCUDad]

...which was crusted with the blood of those he had swindled, "soon all this will be ours, and we'll be able to..."

[Sooner24]

..........build a shrine to me that six or seven saturdays a year 30,000 people will come too and four hours later go home feeling like they have..........

[Okla-homey]

been robbed of something special and intensely personal by a wicked old man who is desperately trying to achieve his own whacked-out version of immortality. Meanwhile, back at the ranch, Cindy's sweet old Granny awakens from her laudanum-induced slumber, takes the blunderbus her Pappy used in the War of 1812 down from above the mantlepiece and ...

[Sooner24]

........heads up Brokeback Mountain looking for T. Boone and Kid Gundy. Ever so quietly she creeps along until she comes upon a clearing where she finds the two..............

[OUinFLA]

reading an old worn out copy manuscript when The Boone man says to the Kid fellow......"See, right here, history says you can go to Troy and win !"

the Kid shook his head and said.....

[Rogue]

"I take the greatest offense at your innuendos, T-Bone!"

[OCUDad]

"In my endo? In MY endo?" screamed T. Boone. "No, Kid, in YOU endo!" he cried, as he shot Gundy in the forehead. Fortunately, there was a shallow grave nearby, and...

[1stTimeCaller]

Meanwhile, Hank puts on his robe and wizard hat.

[OUinFLA]

while completely disregarding 1TC's obvious error by not reading the timeframe and theme of the thread.......


"In my endo? In MY endo?" screamed T. Boone. "No, Kid, in YOU endo!" he cried, as he shot Gundy in the forehead. Fortunately, there was a shallow grave nearby, and...

T Boone stumbled into it, falling flat on his face and crushing the old manuscript that showed how a "well prepared and well led army" could invade Troy and defeat the inhabitants, which didn't matter much as he knew the Kid wasn't capable of pillaging an plundering anything outside his own sheep pen.

The Kid couldn't contain his laughter as he looked at his mentor lying half in and half out of the shallow grave and said..........

[Viking Kitten]

"Didn't you know that Dippity Do Gel contains a Teflon-like substance that deflects bullets, T. Boone? Did you actually think I use this much product just because it looks so damn good?" Then he began eating a Texas Taco he kept in a vintage metal Dukes of Hazard lunchbox.

He nearly finished it, but unfortunately he began choking after eating not quite three quarters of it. His last thought as everything went black was...

[OCUDad]

..."how the hell did I wind up in such a misbegotten wreck of a novella when I could have been the agent for the Teutonic Titwillow?" Little did he know that she had dropped the "willow" from her stage name and was now appearing at strip saloons across the county...

[Rogue]

But everything kept going black. T. Boone rallied, scraped his way out of the shallow grave and decided to stay the night at the site while the kid lurched and jerked through a fitful sleep. "Dippity-Do, indeed!" mused T Boone, "I'll have to remember that."

Cindy, still quietly watching the scene, decides...

[OUinFLA]

I could try to save that miserable bastage, or I could just become a fan of some group that never wins anything of importance, or I could poke a sharp stick in my eye........decisions, decisions.........but, then the choices became easier as she started chuckling at the thought of using the words "poke" and "sharp" in the same sentence, so she opted to.....