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jk the sooner fan
8/21/2007, 02:35 PM
Worst Analogies Ever Written in a High School Essay

These are the winners of the "worst analogies ever written in a high school essay" contest.

He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like a guy who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking at high schools about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it.
-- Joseph Romm, Washington

She caught your eye like one of those pointy hook latches that used to dangle from screen doors and would fly up whenever you banged the door open again.
-- Rich Murphy, Fairfax Station

The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn't.
-- Russell Beland, Springfield

McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty Bag filled with vegetable soup.
-- Paul Sabourin, Silver Spring

From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an eerie, surreal quality, like when you're on vacation in another city and "Jeopardy" comes on at 7 p.m. instead of 7:30.
-- Roy Ashley, Washington

Her hair glistened in the rain like nose hair after a sneeze.
-- Chuck Smith, Woodbridge

Her eyes were like two brown circles with big black dots in the center.
-- Russell Beland, Springfield

Bob was as perplexed as a hacker who means to access T:flw.quid55328.com..aaakk/ch@ung but gets T:..flw.quidaaakk/ch@ung by mistake
-- Ken Krattenmaker, Landover Hills

Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.
-- Unknown

He was as tall as a six-foot-three-inch tree.
-- Jack Bross, Chevy Chase

The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when you fry them in hot grease.
-- Gary F. Hevel, Silver Spring

Her date was pleasant enough, but she knew that if her life was a movie this guy would be buried in the credits as something like"Second Tall Man."
-- Russell Beland, Springfield

Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across the grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left Cleveland at 6:36 p.m. traveling at 55 mph, the other from Topeka at 4:19 p.m. at a speed of 35 mph.
-- Jennifer Hart, Arlington

The politician was gone but unnoticed, like the period after the Dr. on a Dr Pepper can.
-- Wayne Goode, Madison, Ala.

They lived in a typical suburban neighborhood with picket fences that resembled Nancy Kerrigan's teeth.
-- Paul Kocak, Syracuse, N.Y.

John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met.
-- Russell Beland, Springfield

The thunder was ominous-sounding, much like the sound of a thin sheet of metal being shaken backstage during the storm scene in a play.
-- Barbara Fetherolf, Alexandria

His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like underpants in a dryer without Cling Free.
-- Chuck Smith, Woodbridge

The red brick wall was the color of a brick-red Crayola crayon.

royalfan5
8/21/2007, 02:40 PM
I'm kind of surprised none of those say: Mike Leach, Lubbock at the end.

Fugue
8/21/2007, 02:45 PM
I like Russell's.

Belander

Osce0la
8/21/2007, 02:49 PM
I like Russell's.

Belander
I wonder if that guy made it out of high school? He is on there 3 or 4 times...

Scott D
8/21/2007, 02:50 PM
Or he likes to write essays.....some of them are pretty funny though.

Howzit
8/21/2007, 02:53 PM
OMG, those are hilarious.

TheLurker
8/21/2007, 02:57 PM
I ran a google search on russell. Here's a few more gems that made the innerwebs.

In my day we didn’t have MTV or in-line skates, or any of that stuff. No, it was 45s and regular old metal-wheeled roller skates, and the 45s always skipped, so to get them to play right you’d weigh the needle down with something like quarters, which we never had because our allowances were too small, so we’d use our skate keys instead and end up forgetting they were taped to the record player arm so that we couldn’t adjust our skates, which didn’t really matter because those crummy metal wheels would kill you if you hit a pebble anyway, and in those days roads had real pebbles on them, not like today. (Russell Beland, Springfield)


Back in the 1970s we didn’t have the space shuttle to get all excited about. We had to settle for men walking on the crummy moon. (Russell Beland, Springfield)


In my day, we didn’t get that disembodied, slightly ticked-off voice saying ‘Doors closing.’ We got on the train, the doors closed, and if your hand was sticking out it scraped along the tunnel all the way to the Silver Spring station and it was a bloody stump at the end. But the base fare was only a dollar. (Russell Beland, Springfield)


Back in my day, ‘60 Minutes’ wasn’t just a bunch of gray-haired liberal 80-year-old guys. It was a bunch of gray-haired liberal 60-year-old guys. (Russell Beland, Springfield)

Ike
8/21/2007, 03:19 PM
http://www.hq.navy.mil/mra/Beland_bio.htm

Somehow, this makes it funnier.

Also note, he lives in Springfield.

Howzit
8/21/2007, 03:26 PM
Mr. Beland will go far in life. He make Modador somewhere. Or even Admin.

soonerinabilene
8/21/2007, 03:31 PM
From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an eerie, surreal quality, like when you're on vacation in another city and "Jeopardy" comes on at 7 p.m. instead of 7:30.
-- Roy Ashley, Washington
That is as genius as a guy who takes an iq test and is told afterward that he is a genius.

Widescreen
8/21/2007, 04:49 PM
This thread is as good as the unholy offspring of Bruce and Helander.

KABOOKIE
8/21/2007, 06:43 PM
McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty Bag filled with vegetable soup.
-- Paul Sabourin, Silver Spring

COME ON!!! That's gold baby!

sanantoniosooner
8/21/2007, 06:48 PM
http://www.soonerfans.com/forums/showthread.php?t=91755