TMcGee86
8/16/2007, 02:23 PM
Ken Hoffman is a columnist for the Chronicle, he usually has pretty funny stuff, today's had us all rolling at lunch so I thought I would share it. enjoy.
Side effects of diet drug aren't pretty
By KEN HOFFMAN
Copyright 2007 Houston Chronicle
Let me warn you about the warning on a box of Alli — the wildly popular, first over-the-counter diet pill approved by the U.S. Food and Drug Administration.
Everything about that warning is true. Listen closely:
Alli works by preventing the absorption of some of the fat you eat. The fat passes out of your body, so you may have bowel changes. As a result of this process, you may experience some "treatment effect," especially after meals containing more than 30 percent fat.
You may get:
1. Gas with oily spotting
2. Loose stools
3. More frequent stools that may be hard to control
In other words, don't stray too far from a bathroom. Because, like Candid Camera, when it's least expected ...
The manufacturers of Alli go on to suggest, "Until you have a sense of any treatment effects, it's probably a smart idea to wear dark pants, and bring a change of clothes with you to work."
I'm suspicious of anything that requires me to bring a change of clothes to work. And that includes exercise.
Alli doesn't work by itself. It's not a miracle weight-loss pill. You're supposed to go on a low-fat diet and do more exercise. For every 5 pounds you'll lose naturally on a low-fat diet, Alli will help you lose 2 or 3 pounds more.
In fact, you're supposed to start the low-fat diet before you start taking Alli.
If you continue to gorge on thick steaks, fried chicken and hot fudge sundaes, nothing, not even Alli, is going to help you.
Now let me introduce my friend Fred. That's not his real name, and later on you'll understand why he begged me to change it for this column.
Fred is overweight, and he has no self-control. He claims to be "a man of some discipline," but he really isn't. You should see this guy eat. So when Alli came along a few months ago, Fred was all over it.
Fred either didn't read the instructions or didn't agree with the plan or simply thinks he knows better than the FDA. Whatever, he kept eating the same. The only difference was, now he popped an Alli before digging into his double cheeseburgers.
Last Sunday, we're eating breakfast at Whataburger, like we do every Sunday.
Fred ordered his usual double cheeseburger, fries and a bacon-and-egg burrito. That's some low-fat diet Fred's on.
Get ready ...
When Fred got up to get a free refill of Diet Coke ... I'm trying to be as delicate as possible here ... he had a "treatment effect" in his pants.
The Alli warning was right.
It.
Happens.
Fred is a successful businessman. He is married with children. The last time he had a "treatment effect" in his pants was 40-something years ago when he was wearing Size 5 Huggies.
Mind you, this wasn't minor "gas with oily spotting" — unless you consider the Exxon Valdez disaster an "oily spotting" of Alaska.
The amazing thing was, Fred wasn't even aware of it. He was walking his merry way to the Coke machine.
Now, as Fred's friend, I had a decision to make. How do I discreetly inform Fred of his situation without causing him embarrassment?
I decided to wait till he reached the Coke machine, and I yelled, "Hey, Fred, check out the back of your pants!"
I know, with friends like me ...
Everybody in the restaurant stopped what they were doing to look at Fred. If I wasn't laughing so hard, I probably would have felt sorry for him.
Nah.
Now you see why Fred insisted that I change his name for this column. If I didn't change it, he'd have to move to Siberia and raise yaks for a living.
"This is a problem," Fred said. "I have business meetings next week. I can't conduct business knowing that at any moment this could happen again. I've got some thinking to do."
Here's a journalistic problem with using a fake name for the subject of a column.
Another buddy, Reg "Third Degree" Burns is worried that people are going to think he's Fred.
It wasn't Third Degree, OK?
Fred has a decision to make. Does he stick with Alli and start eating more healthfully? Does he continue to jam cheeseburgers down his throat and risk the rather spectacular and embarrassing side effects of Alli? Or does he just resign himself to being overweight?
"They're all bad options," he said.
"You know, Siberia is actually pretty pleasant in summer."
Linky (http://www.chron.com/disp/story.mpl/life/hoffman/5057177.html)
Side effects of diet drug aren't pretty
By KEN HOFFMAN
Copyright 2007 Houston Chronicle
Let me warn you about the warning on a box of Alli — the wildly popular, first over-the-counter diet pill approved by the U.S. Food and Drug Administration.
Everything about that warning is true. Listen closely:
Alli works by preventing the absorption of some of the fat you eat. The fat passes out of your body, so you may have bowel changes. As a result of this process, you may experience some "treatment effect," especially after meals containing more than 30 percent fat.
You may get:
1. Gas with oily spotting
2. Loose stools
3. More frequent stools that may be hard to control
In other words, don't stray too far from a bathroom. Because, like Candid Camera, when it's least expected ...
The manufacturers of Alli go on to suggest, "Until you have a sense of any treatment effects, it's probably a smart idea to wear dark pants, and bring a change of clothes with you to work."
I'm suspicious of anything that requires me to bring a change of clothes to work. And that includes exercise.
Alli doesn't work by itself. It's not a miracle weight-loss pill. You're supposed to go on a low-fat diet and do more exercise. For every 5 pounds you'll lose naturally on a low-fat diet, Alli will help you lose 2 or 3 pounds more.
In fact, you're supposed to start the low-fat diet before you start taking Alli.
If you continue to gorge on thick steaks, fried chicken and hot fudge sundaes, nothing, not even Alli, is going to help you.
Now let me introduce my friend Fred. That's not his real name, and later on you'll understand why he begged me to change it for this column.
Fred is overweight, and he has no self-control. He claims to be "a man of some discipline," but he really isn't. You should see this guy eat. So when Alli came along a few months ago, Fred was all over it.
Fred either didn't read the instructions or didn't agree with the plan or simply thinks he knows better than the FDA. Whatever, he kept eating the same. The only difference was, now he popped an Alli before digging into his double cheeseburgers.
Last Sunday, we're eating breakfast at Whataburger, like we do every Sunday.
Fred ordered his usual double cheeseburger, fries and a bacon-and-egg burrito. That's some low-fat diet Fred's on.
Get ready ...
When Fred got up to get a free refill of Diet Coke ... I'm trying to be as delicate as possible here ... he had a "treatment effect" in his pants.
The Alli warning was right.
It.
Happens.
Fred is a successful businessman. He is married with children. The last time he had a "treatment effect" in his pants was 40-something years ago when he was wearing Size 5 Huggies.
Mind you, this wasn't minor "gas with oily spotting" — unless you consider the Exxon Valdez disaster an "oily spotting" of Alaska.
The amazing thing was, Fred wasn't even aware of it. He was walking his merry way to the Coke machine.
Now, as Fred's friend, I had a decision to make. How do I discreetly inform Fred of his situation without causing him embarrassment?
I decided to wait till he reached the Coke machine, and I yelled, "Hey, Fred, check out the back of your pants!"
I know, with friends like me ...
Everybody in the restaurant stopped what they were doing to look at Fred. If I wasn't laughing so hard, I probably would have felt sorry for him.
Nah.
Now you see why Fred insisted that I change his name for this column. If I didn't change it, he'd have to move to Siberia and raise yaks for a living.
"This is a problem," Fred said. "I have business meetings next week. I can't conduct business knowing that at any moment this could happen again. I've got some thinking to do."
Here's a journalistic problem with using a fake name for the subject of a column.
Another buddy, Reg "Third Degree" Burns is worried that people are going to think he's Fred.
It wasn't Third Degree, OK?
Fred has a decision to make. Does he stick with Alli and start eating more healthfully? Does he continue to jam cheeseburgers down his throat and risk the rather spectacular and embarrassing side effects of Alli? Or does he just resign himself to being overweight?
"They're all bad options," he said.
"You know, Siberia is actually pretty pleasant in summer."
Linky (http://www.chron.com/disp/story.mpl/life/hoffman/5057177.html)