Your favorite story about your wife? [Archive] - SoonerFans.com Message Boards

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stoopified

6/14/2007, 12:55 PM

To tell my story I have to set the stage first.A few years ago I was talking to a buddy of mine about what his plans were for his next weekend off work.I asked if he was going to the gym.He said NO,I THINK I'LL JUST LAY AROUND THE HOUSE AND SPANK MY MONKEY.He says stuff like that all the time so we all just had a good laugh.

I went home after work and shared this story with my wjfe,I thought she would have a good laugh.She looks at me and says WHAT KIND OF A MONKEY DOES HE HAVE AND WHY IS HE SPANKING HIM?I just about died laughing I had tears rolling down my cheeks.

Back at work I shared this story and we were ALL rolling on the floor.Even to this day If I look at someone who knows the story and say BAD MONKEY we break out in hysterical laughter all over again.I tell my wife what makes it so funny is because she was serious,she REALLY did not know.

TUSooner

6/14/2007, 12:57 PM

I have not stayed maried for 29 & 1/2 years by telling stories about Der Fuehrer.

(OK, Deutsche speakers, I know it should be Die Fuehrerin but you knowwhatimean.)

proud gonzo

6/14/2007, 12:57 PM

heh

OU4LIFE

6/14/2007, 01:08 PM

ve haf ways ov getting ze storees.

Mjcpr

6/14/2007, 01:09 PM

I have a couple about Hairy's, does that count?

OU4LIFE

6/14/2007, 01:11 PM

you mean you have a couple of stories about my hairy's...

no one wants to hear those, Pat.

Jerk

6/14/2007, 01:12 PM

My wife is a big-time animal lover, but she's never had a problem with my guns...but has always seemed to detest the idea of hunting. So anyways, a few Falls ago a manager at work who owns a lot of land figured out that I'm a gun nut and asked if I'd like to go hunt on his land for deer with him. All I have to do is help him set up the feeders, blinds, yada yada. Of course I told my dad about this, but nothing more. My dad is a hunter, been to Africa, Alaska, etc.

So the guy says he'll pick me up at 5:00 in the morning and I tell my wife the night before: "I'm going target shooting." So I wake up at around 4:00 and get my ghille suit on, get my rifle ready, etc. Wife is watching all this and is a little curious about what I'm doing up so early on a Fall morning putting on camo. She was not born in America so maybe she didn't know about our Fall traditions. Manager shows up and starts spraying this scent killer all over me. Now wife is getting really puzzled, and I don't remember what I told her about it. But we go. In fact, we do this routine for the next 2 weeks until season ends. Wife never could figure it out, but didn't ask many questions.

Flash forward a month later to Christmas dinner. The alpha male, dad, is sitting at the head of the table. "So, son, how was the deer hunting this year?"

That's all I've got:O

achiro

6/14/2007, 03:50 PM

I'd tell you but we're not in a locker room. Besides, it might ruin my chances of being POTUS some day.:D

SoonerStormchaser

6/14/2007, 05:27 PM

My wife had no clue about what Smiling Bob was all about with that male enhancement crap. She asked "what does it enhance, your tits?"

stoopified

6/14/2007, 05:30 PM

Ya bunch of chickens.

OUinFLA

6/14/2007, 05:58 PM

My wife just told me today that I could sleep with Jessica Alba if she would have me.
But, I had to be home early the next morning.

This fits in with requirements of all envolved.
Anyone have Jessica's cell phone number?

sanantoniosooner

6/14/2007, 07:25 PM

When we were at Galveston once my wife pointed at a couple of birds and said how nice it was for the one to let the other on it's back to get a better look at the sunset.

I still laugh about that.

AlbqSooner

6/14/2007, 08:01 PM

I have not stayed maried for 29 & 1/2 years by telling stories about Der Fuehrer.

(OK, Deutsche speakers, I know it should be Die Fuehrerin but you knowwhatimean.)
So THAT'S where I messed up. Dang TU, ya could told me that two fortunes ago.:D

Okla-homey

6/14/2007, 08:02 PM

I merely refer to my wife with great respect as "she who must be obeyed."

TUSooner

6/14/2007, 08:42 PM

jerk could probably tell you some stories about our sister-in-law. :D

TUSooner

6/14/2007, 08:43 PM

I merely refer to my wife with great respect as "she who must be obeyed."
Your gal is a princess (in the best possible way), but good ideer anyway!

Jerk

6/14/2007, 08:48 PM

jerk could probably tell you some stories about our sister-in-law. :D

Oh hell yeah. One time we had a whole bunch of people over to watch an OU football game. Well, the other team somehow scored on us, and sister-in-law goes bonkers cheering.

She thought "the other team" was OU.

sanantoniosooner

6/14/2007, 08:48 PM

Then there's that time we were mess'n around and she got frisky and threw my back out with a surprise maneuver.

And then there's that time she had one of those nightmares that you're not sure is a nightmare. She was started screaming in bed. I thought something was attacking her and my first inclination was to kick over to the other side(in the dark). With my second kick I caught her shin and she decided that it was me attacking her. It was hours before she fell asleep again.

Both of these happened in the last month.

TUSooner

6/14/2007, 08:53 PM

Oh hell yeah. One time we had a whole bunch of people over to watch an OU football game. Well, the other team somehow scored on us, and sister-in-law goes bonkers cheering.

She thought "the other team" was OU.
This is very easy to believe. :D

olevetonahill

6/14/2007, 09:05 PM

This Is My Daughter But its still a ***** whoop story :eek:
My SIL and I buy an sell a few cars ;)
I call SIL tell him he needs to come to MY shop so we can make a few car deals . He says :cool:
Call ur Daughter and make sure its ok :eek:
Short story long is we Both had to kiss her asz, to get her permission to let him come to my shop .:eek: :D
I raised the Girl right :pop:

phead903

6/14/2007, 09:10 PM

My favorite story about my wife is she is now married to some other poor sucker!:D

StoopTroup

6/15/2007, 01:47 AM

When I first met my Wife she said..."You sure curse alot for a Catholic".

I replied, "You sure drink alot for a Baptist".

She has since converted and can cuss like a sailor. ;)

crawfish

6/15/2007, 07:37 AM

Back in our younger days when we were dating, my wife was quite naive, me not far behind.

My wit was pretty much the same as it is now, but I had not yet learned the whole "timing and appropriateness" thing. One night we were out on a date, and she spoke out a perfect setup, and I couldn't resist with the sexual remark. She didn't get it...kept asking me what I meant, I finally said "I was just being stupid". It was dropped, I thought I was off the hook.

Except she gets home, goes out with her not-so-naive-but-very-protective friends the next day, and asks THEM what it meant. I have never received so many nasty stares in my life. :eek:

crawfish

6/15/2007, 07:38 AM

...and yes, I know that story sucks. But you're not getting the good ones. :D

stoopified

6/15/2007, 08:37 AM

I guess now I can share the snake story with you.A few years back my wife calls me at work and tells me there is a snake in the garage.I told her to close the garage door and go back in the house and I'll deal with it when I get home in a few hours.

When I get home she says she took care of it.Now for maximum effect I hust ask you to guess what my lovely wife did to TAKE CARE OF THE SNAKE:

a)Called the cops

b)Clubbed it with a tennis racket

c)Sicced the dogs on it

D) Sprayed it with Raid

E) All the above

The anser is E) all the above.She changed her mind while talking to the cops(although THEY DID SAY they would someone out).The tennis racket made no apparent impact and the dogs just sat there and lokked at the snake.They were like OK its a snake so what.She then sprayed it with RAID (from 6 inches away),then ran into the house.

Anyhow I went out hunting for this KILLER PYTHON and found it in a corner curled up dead.All this fuss over an 8 inch garter snake.Once again I was reduced to tears I laughed so hard.My poor little wife.God love her.Its not her fault after all she IS a NEAR_CANADIEN(born in Montana).

BudSooner

6/15/2007, 10:53 AM

Ain't got one, other than the day she said she wanted a divorce. ;)

IB4OU2

6/15/2007, 11:11 AM

My wife thinks she's getting alimony and half my stuff.....HA!HA!HA!HA!HA!HA!HA!HA!A!HA!HA!HA!HA!HA ! :D now that is funny.....isn't it? :eek:

LilSooner

6/15/2007, 11:22 AM

Rhino and I keep a running list of all the funny/stupid stuff we say.

Sadly, I say way more stupid **** than my husband says.

But luckily I know way more better body hiding places than he does, also it does help that my company sells body bags. Ya know just in case. ;)

Mjcpr

6/15/2007, 11:25 AM

Sadly, I say way more stupid **** than my husband says.

That's okay, Li'l. I'm pretty sure that is the case with 100% of marriages.

*runs away*

Viking Kitten

6/15/2007, 11:30 AM

Viking Kitten

6/15/2007, 11:31 AM

That's okay, Li'l. I'm pretty sure that is the case with 100% of marriages.

*runs away*

I don't know Pat. Let's ask your husband and find out for sure.

Mjcpr

6/15/2007, 11:36 AM

I don't know Pat. Let's ask your husband and find out for sure.

See, folks......write this one down, Czar!!

That is so cute.

:D

Viking Kitten

6/15/2007, 11:53 AM

That is so cute.

Is that what the missus says when she sees you nekkid? :P

Paperclip

6/15/2007, 11:54 AM

Am I the only one who finds this story thoroughly confusing?

No, but I replaced SIL with BIL and it helped.

edit: No, nevermind. S=Son. Ok, now I get it.

Penguin

6/15/2007, 12:02 PM

When she said that she was moving to Kentucky to live with her internet boyfriend. :D

It made me a very happy man. And that was 5 days ago.

Viking Kitten

6/15/2007, 12:04 PM

No, but I replaced SIL with BIL and it helped.

edit: No, nevermind. S=Son. Ok, now I get it.

Okay... that helps a little.

olevetonahill

6/15/2007, 12:36 PM

Okay... that helps a little.
Bitches man :eek:

BlondeSoonerGirl

6/15/2007, 12:37 PM

Uh-oh.

Watch your cornhole, bud.

olevetonahill

6/15/2007, 01:04 PM

Uh-oh.

Watch your cornhole, bud.
Oh **** :eek: I didnt put a ;) ;) in . Im toast

soonerboy_odanorth

6/15/2007, 02:58 PM

I'll tell the ex-wife story:

So we're driving down to Red Wing, MN, for a first time in a long time getaway weekend. We're going down to spend the afternoon at River Bluff Park which has an amazing panorama view of all of Red Wing and the Mississippi valley, grill, lay out in the sun, and then spend the night at the Quiet House.... a nice little hotel with great jacuzzi suites. Babies are with teh g-ma, grillin' tools and steaks are ready to go, and the cooler in the trunk is stocked with plenty of beer. All is good.

So we get down the road a few miles and "Kelly" (I'll call her "Kelly" 'cause that's her name and some of you have met her) says she is feeling just a little queasy. You know... like car sick queasy, which she usually doesn't have a problem with. I ask her if she wants to pull over, but she says no big deal, just a little headache. She pops a couple of Advil and we just are continuing down the road listnin' to tunes, etc.

We get a little further down the road and she starts complaining that her stomach actually does feel a little upset. But really she doesn't think it's anything. I reassure her that if she needs to pull over just to let me know, no big deal. She says no, she just wants to hurry up and get down there so we can enjoy our weekend together.

So we get about 20 miles out of Red Wing, and she says she just wants to lay back and rest, because she still isn't feeling good. I turn down the music, she lays back, and we continue down the road.

Now about 10 miles out of Red Wing she sits up and says she wants us to hurry up and get to the hotel, because now she thinks she really might have to throw up. So I start speeding a bit to get us there...

Then we're about 5 miles out, I look over and she's looking a bit pale, and a little distressed. I say, "Honey, do you want me to pull over!?!?" She says, "No! No! Just get us there!"

So now I can tell it's turning into an emergency, I'm flying like a bat outta hell about 80mph down the road... we're maybe a mile from the hotel, and she blurts out "Oh my God! I need a restroom... NOW!!!" As in, whether or not her life depended on finding said restroom, mine certainly did. So I ultra quick scan surroundings, and the only thing I see that might offer a restroom is a city park on the edge of town. I point it out and she screams like she's giving birth, "YES YES YES JUST PULL OVER!!!!"

So now I'm a bit panicked and the only way to get to the public restrooms that are now in view is to go barrelling across this open field. So here we are bouncing up and down at about 50 miles an hour in our old Olds Cierra with her looking like she's going to die, and me, "Are you gonna be ok, are you gonna be ok?" I plow to a stop about 15 yards in front of the restroom. She BOLTS out the door and about halfway there she does a death clutch with both hands on the seat of her pants and virtually bounds through the door of the restroom.

So with that visual I finally figure out what really has become the emergency, and can't help but to start snickering a bit at what I just saw. So I come up to the door, "Honey, are you ok?" And I hear this soft weeping, a deep breath, and,

"I **** MY PANTS!!!"

Which is exactly all it took for me to burst out laughing. Which of course she hears, and replies with the obligitory, "It's not funny!" To which I calm down and say, "It's ok honey, just come out, we'll put a towel down (the beach towels we were going to lay on at the park) and wrap you up and get you to the hotel." To which I hear more sobbing, and I say, "Honey, come out."

"I can't. I'm naked."

"Why on earth are you naked?"

"I threw up all over myself, too."

So here we are, old bucket of bolts car in the middle of a field of a city public park, with her naked in the women's public restroom with a heaping steaming mess of clothing.

And then I hear, as she finally starts to form a picture of our situation, her sobbing turn to giggles. This goes on for a couple of minutes and we are both just laughing our heads off....

"I swear to God, I'll kill you if you ever tell anyone about this."

:D

Mjcpr

6/15/2007, 03:04 PM

That should start out with.....

After a nice dinner at Ryan's Steakhouse.....

Flagstaffsooner

6/15/2007, 06:46 PM

Not wife but an old GF. I was telling her about an old Yogi Berra story. Yogi's wife says to him, "Yogi, sometimes I think you love baseball more than me." Yogi replied, "Yea but I like you better than football and basketball."
My GF asks me, "I know I don't rank up there with football but what about baseball and basketball?"
My answer. "Depends on who's playing."
Needless to say it was all downhill from there.

olevetonahill

6/15/2007, 07:00 PM

stoopified

6/16/2007, 06:41 AM

I woke up this morning and remembered one of my favorite stories about my wife.This takes place during a Flletwood Mac concert at the Ford Center(July 2003?).I had smelled the odor of Mary Jane shortly after the lights went down and the show started but thought nothing of it.A few minutes later my wife elbows me and says(ponting to the doobie passers in the row below us)DON"T THEY KNOW THIS IS A NON-SMOKING FACILITY?I replied HONEY THAT IS WEED THEY ARE PASSING AROUND,SO I DON"T THINK THEY ARE TOO WORRIED ABOUT NO_SMOKING LAWS.My wife says YOU MEAN MARIJUANA?I said YES HONEY.Anyhow the people below heard the the word MARIJUANA and turned around and offered my wife a toke.She politely declined while I was LMAO.