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opksooner
6/3/2007, 04:18 PM
ALCOHOL TROUBLESHOOTING GUIDE

SYMPTOM: Feet cold and wet.
FAULT: Glass being held at incorrect angle.
ACTION:Rotate glass so that open end points toward ceiling.

SYMPTOM: Feet warm and wet.
FAULT: Improper bladder control.
ACTION:Stand next to nearest dog, complain about house training.

SYMPTOM: Drink unusually pale and tasteless.
FAULT: Glass empty.
ACTION: Get someone to buy you another drink.

SYMPTOM Opposite wall covered with fluorescent lights.
FAULT: You have fallen over backward.
ACTION: Have yourself lashed to the bar.

SYMPTOM: Mouth contains cigarette butts.
FAULT: You have fallen forward.
ACTION: See above.

SYMPTOM: Alcohol tasteless, front of your shirt is wet.
FAULT: Mouth not open, or glass applied to wrong part of face.
ACTION:Retire to restroom, practice in mirror.

SYMPTOM:Floor blurred.
FAULT: You are looking through bottom of empty glass.
ACTION:Get someone to buy you another drink.

SYMPTOM:Floor moving.
FAULT:You are being carried out.
ACTION:Find out if you are being taken to another bar.

SYMPTOM:Room seems unusually dark.
FAULT: Bar has closed.
ACTION: Confirm home address with bartender.

SYMPTOM: Taxi suddenly takes on colourful aspect and textures.
FAULT:Alcohol consumption has exceeded personal limitations.
ACTION:Cover mouth.

SYMPTOM: Everyone looks up to you and smiles.
FAULT: You are dancing on the table.
ACTION: Fall on somebody cushy-looking.

SYMPTOM: Drink is crystal-clear.
FAULT: It's water. Somebody is trying to sober you up.
ACTION: Punch him.

SYMPTOM: Hands hurt, nose hurts, mind unusually clear.
FAULT: You have been in a fight.
ACTION:Apologize to everyone you see, just in case it was them.

SYMPTOM: Don't recognize anyone, don't recognize the room you're in.
FAULT: You've wandered into the wrong party.
ACTION: See if they have free alcohol.

SYMPTOM: Your singing sounds distorted.
FAULT: The drink is too weak.
ACTION: Have more alcohol until your voice improves.

SYMPTOM: Don't remember the words to the song.
FAULT: Drink is just right.
ACTION: Play air guitar.

.

Tailwind
6/3/2007, 05:13 PM
ROFLMAO!

LoyalFan
6/3/2007, 05:47 PM
Rawks!

LF