just cause I want to.

[OU4LIFE]

Mitchisms.


I have a cheese-shredder at home, which is its positive name. They don't call it by its negative name, which is sponge-ruiner.

Mitch Hedberg

[BlondeSoonerGirl]

'...what do sesame seeds grow into? I don't know...we never give them a chance!...'

[OU4LIFE]

I'm against picketing, but I don't know how to show it.

[OU4LIFE]

This shirt is dry clean only. Which means... It's dirty.

[OU4LIFE]

This product that was on TV was available for four easy payments of $19.95. I would like a product that was available for three easy payments and one complicated payment. We can't tell you which payment it is, but one of these payments is going to be hard.

[OU4LIFE]

You know that Pepperidge Farm bread, that stuff is fancy. That stuff is wrapped twice. You open it, and then still ain't open. That's why I don't buy it, I don't need another step between me and toast.

[JohnnyMack]

Stephen Wright called, he wants his schtick back.

[BlondeSoonerGirl]

'...My fake plants died, because I did not pretend to water them...'

[Mjcpr]

Stephen Wright called, he wants his schtick back.

That's what I was thinking.

[1stTimeCaller]

I went to a pizzeria, I ordered a slice of pizza, the ****er gave me the smallest slice possible. If the pizza was a pie chart for what people would do if they found a million dollars, the ****er gave me the "donate it to charity" slice. I would like to exchange this for the "keep it"!

[1stTimeCaller]

I got a business card, 'cause I want to win some lunches. That's what my business card says: "Mitch Hedberg, potential lunch winner." Call me some time, maybe we'll have lunch... If I'm lucky!

[BlondeSoonerGirl]

'...I wanted to buy a candle holder, but the store didn't have one. So I got a cake...'

[BlondeSoonerGirl]

'...I don't have a girlfriend. I just know a girl who would get really mad if she heard me say that...'

[colleyvillesooner]

I think Pringles' initial intention was to make tennis balls. But on the day that the rubber was supposed to show up, a big truckload of potatoes arrived. But Pringles was a laid-back company. They said "**** it. Cut 'em up."

I like to play blackjack. I'm not addicted to gambling, I'm addicted to sitting in a semi-circle.

[BlondeSoonerGirl]

'...Alcoholism is a disease, but it's like the only disease that you can get yelled at for having. "Dammit, Otto, you're an alcoholic." "Dammit, Otto, you have lupus." One of those two doesn't sound right...'

[BlondeSoonerGirl]

'...I want to be a race car passenger. Just a guy who bugs the driver. "Say, man, can I turn on the radio?" "You should slow down." "Why we gotta keep going in circles?" "You really like Tide."...'

[Frozen Sooner]

I got some tartar control toothpaste. I still have tartar, but that ****'s under control.

I got so much tartar, I don't even have to dip my fishsticks in anything. Wait. That's kind of gross.

[BlondeSoonerGirl]

'...I used to do drugs. I still do, but I used to, too...'

[BlondeSoonerGirl]

'...The other day I helped my friend stay put. It's a lot easier than helping somebody move. I went over to his house and made sure he didn't start to move **** into a truck...'

[BlondeSoonerGirl]

'...When you go to a restaurant on the weekends and it's busy so they start a waiting list, they say, "Dufrenes, party of two, table ready for Dufrenes, party of two." And if no one answers they'll say the name again: "Dufrenes, party of two." But then if no one answers, they'll move on to the next name. "Bush, party of three." Yeah, but what happened to the Dufrenes? No one seems to care. Who can eat at a time like this? People are missing. You people are selfish. The Dufrenes are in someone's trunk right now, with duct tape over their mouths. And they're hungry. That's a double whammy. We need help. "Bush, search party of three. You can eat once you find the Dufrenes."...'

[Mjcpr]

A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths.

[BlondeSoonerGirl]

'...They say the recipe for Sprite is lemon and lime. But I tried to make it at home; there's more to it than that. "Want some more homemade Sprite?" "Not 'til you figure out what the **** else is in it!"...'

[JohnnyMack]

http://www.weather.net/zarg/ZarPages/stevenWright.html

[crawfish]

I'll assume these are funny with the delivery. :)

[crawfish]

Actually, they're all funny with Stephen Wright's delivery.

[Mjcpr]

I intend to live forever - so far, so good.

[Mjcpr]

I intend to live forever - so far, so good.

[Mjcpr]

What in the hell?

Awesome! :D

[dolemitesooner]

I was in the grocery store. I saw a sign that said "pet supplies". So I did.
Then I went outside and saw a sign that said "compact cars"

[rufnek05]

i like escaladers, they can't break down; they can only become stairs.

[Mjcpr]

i like escaladers, they can't break down; they can only become stairs.

Is that some type of Cadillac?

[rufnek05]

"i don't like turtle necks. it feels like a weak peroson is tryin to choke me"... "and wearing a back pack with a turtle neck feels like a weak midget is tryin to bring you down from behind"

[BlondeSoonerGirl]

'...I order the club sandwich all the time, but I'm not even a member, man. I don't know how I get away with it...'

[dolemitesooner]

"...this thread is lame.. Because I said it was you mother ****ing beoncyes

[BlondeSoonerGirl]

"...this thread is lame.. Because I said it was you mother ****ing beoncyes

That **** don't even rhyme.

[dolemitesooner]

That **** don't even rhyme.
**** your couch beoncye:mack:

[BlondeSoonerGirl]

Heh.

'...I don't have a microwave, but I do have a clock that occasionally cooks ****...'

[BlondeSoonerGirl]

'...I like the FedEx driver, because he's a drug dealer and he don't even know it. And he's always on time!...'

[Frozen Sooner]

'...I order the club sandwich all the time, but I'm not even a member, man. I don't know how I get away with it...'

Well, I like alfalfa sprouts on my sandwich.

THEN YOU'RE NOT IN THE ****ING CLUB!

[BlondeSoonerGirl]

'...If you're an animal, you want to have a beaver as a friend, 'cause they have some kickass houses. That **** is on the lake. Lakeside my ***, lake-on!...'

[Frozen Sooner]

I put spot remover on my dog. Now I can't find him.

[OCUDad]

Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of the song?

[BlondeSoonerGirl]

'...I have no problem not listening to The Temptations, which is weird...'

[Howzit]

Stephen Wright called, he wants his schtick back.


Mitch was the cliche hilarious stoner guy I knew in HS that made me laugh so hard while I was stoned, 'ceptin Mitch was still funny years later after I weren't stoned no more and when I ran into hilarious stoner guy that made me laugh before I thought, "Hey, I thought that dude was funny."

[Mjcpr]

What?

I think you're stoned right now.

[colleyvillesooner]

:confused:

[Howzit]

What?

I think you're stoned right now.

Don't bogart.

[Howzit]

I'm hungry.

[JohnnyMack]

I'm hungry.

If by hungry, you mean a moron, then you're Karen Carpenter.

[Howzit]

Anbody got any Visine?

[silverwheels]

Anbody got any Visine?

No, but I have some gum and cologne.

[Howzit]

No, but I have some gum and cologne.


Thanks. Got any Doritos?

[Howzit]

If by hungry, you mean a moron, then you're Karen Carpenter.


BWAAAAHHAAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHHAHHHHHAAAAHAAHHAAHAH AHAHHHAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHHHAA HAHAHAHAH!!!!!11

Wait. What?