jk the sooner fan
2/2/2007, 06:07 PM
1 The only reason Jack gave Nina mouth to mouth in Season 2 was because he had to kill her himself.
2 Some people see the glass as half full. Others see it as half empty. Jack Bauer see the glass as a deadly weapon.
3 When a convicted terrorist was sentenced to face Jack Bauer, he appealed to have the sentence reduced to death.
4 When bad things happen to good people, its probably fate. When bad things happen to bad people, it’s probably Jack Bauer.
5 Jack Bauer never retreats, he just attacks in the opposite direction.
6 The city of Los Angeles once named a street after Jack Bauer in gratitude for his saving the city several times. They had to rename it after people kept dying when they tried to cross the street. No one crosses Jack Bauer and lives.
7 When Jack Bauer ran out of ammo, he caught 3 bullets in his chest and used them to reload.
8 Passed out, surrounded by terrorists and nerve gas, and handcuffed to a table leg, Jack Bauer laughed to himself and said, "I have them right where I want them."
9 Once, someone tried to tell Jack Bauer a "knock knock" joke. Jack Bauer found out who was there, who they worked for, and where the goddamned bomb was.
10 The 2007 budget for the US Military covers Jack Bauer, two pistols and four billion rounds of ammunition.
11 After Season 6 of 24, the Chinese will be on the Endangered Species List.
12 Jack once shot himeself 10 times, just to prove 50 cent is a bitch. He proceeded to wrestle and aligator while talking to Chloe about schematics.
13 If Jack Bauer was in a room with Hitler, Stalin, and Nina Meyers, and he had a gun with 2 bullets, he'd shoot Nina twice. 3865 6.96
14 If everyone on "24" followed Jack Bauer's instructions, it would be called "12".
15 Life doesn't give Jack Bauer lemons. Life asks him which fruit he wants.
16 Jack Bauer doesn't need to eat, sleep, or use the bathroom because his organs are afraid of making him angry.
17 The state of California plans to reduce violent crime by changing the method of capital punishment from lethal injection to Jack Bauer
18 Jack Bauers calender goes from March 31st to April 2nd, no one fools Jack Bauer.
19 ...and on the seventh day Jack Bauer said, "I'll take it from here."
20 There have been no terrorist attacks in United States since Jack Bauer has appeared on television.
21 My husband doesn't wish he was Jack Bauer. He wishes I was Jack Bauer.
22 Jack Bauer once forgot where he put his keys. He then spent the next half-hour torturing himself until he gave up the location of the keys.
23 Upon hearing that he was played by Kiefer Sutherland, Jack Bauer killed Sutherland. Jack Bauer gets played by no man.
24 Superman is one of the few individuals who could possibly survive a confrontation with Jack Bauer. But that is only because he can fly away.
25 Jack Bauer does not get taken prisoner. He puts himself in a disadvantageous position so as to make his next several killings more dramatic.
26 When you walk into a bar and Jack Bauer's your wingman, you're not probably gonna get laid. You WILL get laid.
27 Only Jack Bauer can fly a plane from the luggage compartment.
28 Jack Bauer sleeps with a pillow under his gun.
29 Jack Bauer is the only human in the world with the ability to make Chloe O'Brien drop the personality disorder and patch him through.
30 Jack Bauer let himself be drugged, beaten and captured inside a crate on a Chinese ship heading out of the USA with no way for help to find him. Now he has them right where we wants them.
31 1.6 billion Chinese are angry with Jack Bauer. Sounds like a fair fight.
32 Superman wears Jack Bauer pajamas.
33 If you wake up in the morning, it's because Jack Bauer spared your life.
34 When life gave Jack Bauer lemons, he used them to kill terrorists. Jack Bauer ****ing hates lemonade.
35 When Kim Bauer lost her virginity, Jack Bauer found it and put it back.
36 If it tastes like chicken, looks like chicken, and feels like chicken, but Jack Bauer says its beef. Then it's ****ing beef.
37 The only reason the Chinese kept Jack alive is so that he could bring down the population.
38 When Christopher Henderson tried to shoot Jack, his gun was, in fact, loaded. The bullets were just too scared to come out.
39 Jack Bauer doesn't have a firewall on his PC. He has a Bauerwall. It's basically just a JPEG of Jack Bauer. No virus has ever attacked Jack Bauer's PC. Ever.
40 Lets get one thing straight, the only reason you are conscious right now is because Jack Bauer does not feel like carrying you.
41 If Jack Bauer's gun jams, it's because he wanted to beat you with it.
42 Jack Bauer could strangle you with a cordless phone.
43 Jack Bauer played Russian Roulette with a fully loaded gun and won.
44 MTV once tried to 'Punk' Kiefer Sutherland by staging a robery in a store. Sutherland smiled and pulled out his SIG and shot 3 actors in the head. This is why there was a new cast on Punk'd after season one.
45 A standard deck now contains 48 cards. Too many people were getting hurt for trying to play Jack.
46 Jack Bauer can break anyone and anything, but he will always break the protocol first.
47 Jack Bauer is currently involved in a complex law suit with the California Department of Justice due to their attempt to ban Jack Bauer as an "Assault Weapon". Jack maintains he is primarily used for hunting and target shooting, and is quite safe to have around families. But statistics don't lie.
48 If Jack Bauer gives you his word, return it immediately and run.
49 It's no use crying over spilt milk... Unless that was Jack Bauer's milk. Oh you are so screwed.
50 When 24 airs on the Spanish channel everyones lines are translated except for Jack's. The reason for this, nobody speaks for Jack Bauer.
51 On a high school math test, Jack Bauer put down "Violence" as every one of the answers. He got an A+ on the test because Jack Bauer solves all his problems with Violence.
52 When Special Forces raided an afghan training camp, they found an empty camp and a pirated copy of 24 Season 4.
53 Jack Bauer arrested RoboCop. Think about that.
54 Jack Bauer once won a game of Connect 4 in 3 moves.
55 Jack Bauer is the leading cause of death in Middle Eastern men. 2
56 When someone asks him how his day is going, Jack replies, "Previously, on 24..."
57 Jack Bauer was never addicted to heroin. Heroin was addicted to Jack Bauer.
58 Jack doesn't believe in Murphy's Law, only Bauer's Law: "Whatever CAN go wrong, WILL be resolved in a period of 24 hours."
59 RIP Edgar If you see this give it a 10. Just cuz it's what Edgar would have wanted.
60 No matter how or when you die, the last thing you see will be Jack Bauer.
61 Tony was once shot in the neck, rushed to the hospital, underwent emergency surgery and was back on the job in just a few hours. Jack Bauer still can't believe that ***** went to the hospital first.
62 Most pilots need 5,000 feet of runway to land a plane. Jack Bauer needs 100 feet and a gun.
63 In order to control illegal immigration in the United States, the president installed cardboard cutouts of Jack Bauer along the US/Mexico border.
64 When Jack Bauer plays dodgeball, the ball dodges Jack Bauer.
65 Get one thing straight, the only reason that container ship is still afloat is that Jack Bauer doesn't feel like swimming all the way to China.
66 Superman's only weakness is Kryptonite. Jack Bauer laughs at Superman for having a weakness.
67 Teri Bauer had her tubes tied years ago. That still didn't stop Jack
68 American Idol is only popular because it has a commercial for 24.
69 In 96 hours, Jack Bauer has killed 93 people and saved the world 4 times. What the **** have you done with your life?
70 There is the right way, the wrong way, and the Jack Bauer way. It's basically the right way but faster and more deaths.
71 The Berlin Wall fell because Jack Bauer needed to get to the other side.
72 Killing Jack Bauer doesn't make him dead. It just makes him angry.
73 Going to China is all part of Jack Bauer's master plan to rid the world of Communism.
74 Kim Bauer was an accident. Not even the pill can stop Jack Bauer.
75 Jack Bauer once visited the Virgin Islands. They are now The Islands.
76 Jack Bauer arm once wrestled Superman. The stipulations were the loser had to wear his underwear on the outside of his pants.
77 When Jack Bauer goes to the airport and the metal detector doesn't go off, security gives him a gun.
78 Jack Bauer doesn't miss. If he didn't hit you it's because he was shooting at another terrorist twelve miles away.
79 Jack Bauer once opened a can of whoop ***. All he found inside was a mirror.
80 Jack Bauer set an ordinary flash memory card to self-destruct. Don't ask how he did it, he's ****ing Jack Bauer.
81 Jack Bauer doesn't speak any foreign languages, but he can make any foreigner speak English in a matter of minutes.
82 Jack Bauer doesn't take fingerprints, he takes fingers.
83 If Rosa Parks was in Jack Bauer's seat, she'd move to the back of the bus.
84 Jack needed a well-earned holiday after season 5. Drugged, captured, beaten and tortured in a cargo hold surrounded by Chinese agents eager for revenge is just his preferred method of travel - otherwise he tends to get bored on long trips.
85 Osama bin Laden's recent proposal for truce is a direct result of him finding out that Jack Bauer is, in fact, still alive.
86 Jack Bauer teaches a course at Harvard entitled: "Time Management: Making the Most Out Of Each Day."
87 When Google can't find something, it asks Jack Bauer for help. 2
88 Sun Tzu once wrote, "If your enemy is weaker, conquer him. If he is stronger, join him. If he is Jack Bauer, you're ****ing dead."
89 Messenger bags owe Jack Bauer for single-handedly stealing them from the clutches of emo fashion and making them genuinely cool. Same thing with hoodies. And crying.
90 Jack Bauer wasn't born, he was unleashed.
91 Don't ever ask Jack Bauer what is going on. He'll explain in the car.
92 If Jack Bauer was in a room with Hitler, Stalin, and Nina Meyers, and he had a gun with 2 bullets, he'd shoot Stalin and Hitler so they wouldn't have to bear witness to what he'd do to Nina.
93 Jack Bauer's favorite color is severe terror alert red. His second favorite color is violet, but just because it sounds like violent.
94 Simon Says should be renamed to Jack Bauer Says because if Jack Bauer says something then you better ****ing do it.
95 Michael Jackson once told Jack Bauer to "beat it," and Jack Bauer beat the black out of him. Thus began Michael Jackson's downward spiral.
96 In the 18 months where Jack Bauer was presumed dead, Tony Almeida was put in a coma, Michelle and David Palmer were killed, a major hurricane raveged the Gulf Coast, and Rob Schneider made another movie. See what happens when Bauer isn't around?
97 The government takes portions of Jack Bauer's lungs to make gas masks.
98 Jack Bauer does not use doors. He makes his own.
99 Jack Bauer once killed so many terrorists that at one point, the #5 CIA Most Wanted fugitive was an 18-year-old teenager in Malaysia who downloaded the movie Dodgeball.
100 Jack Bauer brought sexy back, then shot Justin Timberlake for trying to take the credit.
2 Some people see the glass as half full. Others see it as half empty. Jack Bauer see the glass as a deadly weapon.
3 When a convicted terrorist was sentenced to face Jack Bauer, he appealed to have the sentence reduced to death.
4 When bad things happen to good people, its probably fate. When bad things happen to bad people, it’s probably Jack Bauer.
5 Jack Bauer never retreats, he just attacks in the opposite direction.
6 The city of Los Angeles once named a street after Jack Bauer in gratitude for his saving the city several times. They had to rename it after people kept dying when they tried to cross the street. No one crosses Jack Bauer and lives.
7 When Jack Bauer ran out of ammo, he caught 3 bullets in his chest and used them to reload.
8 Passed out, surrounded by terrorists and nerve gas, and handcuffed to a table leg, Jack Bauer laughed to himself and said, "I have them right where I want them."
9 Once, someone tried to tell Jack Bauer a "knock knock" joke. Jack Bauer found out who was there, who they worked for, and where the goddamned bomb was.
10 The 2007 budget for the US Military covers Jack Bauer, two pistols and four billion rounds of ammunition.
11 After Season 6 of 24, the Chinese will be on the Endangered Species List.
12 Jack once shot himeself 10 times, just to prove 50 cent is a bitch. He proceeded to wrestle and aligator while talking to Chloe about schematics.
13 If Jack Bauer was in a room with Hitler, Stalin, and Nina Meyers, and he had a gun with 2 bullets, he'd shoot Nina twice. 3865 6.96
14 If everyone on "24" followed Jack Bauer's instructions, it would be called "12".
15 Life doesn't give Jack Bauer lemons. Life asks him which fruit he wants.
16 Jack Bauer doesn't need to eat, sleep, or use the bathroom because his organs are afraid of making him angry.
17 The state of California plans to reduce violent crime by changing the method of capital punishment from lethal injection to Jack Bauer
18 Jack Bauers calender goes from March 31st to April 2nd, no one fools Jack Bauer.
19 ...and on the seventh day Jack Bauer said, "I'll take it from here."
20 There have been no terrorist attacks in United States since Jack Bauer has appeared on television.
21 My husband doesn't wish he was Jack Bauer. He wishes I was Jack Bauer.
22 Jack Bauer once forgot where he put his keys. He then spent the next half-hour torturing himself until he gave up the location of the keys.
23 Upon hearing that he was played by Kiefer Sutherland, Jack Bauer killed Sutherland. Jack Bauer gets played by no man.
24 Superman is one of the few individuals who could possibly survive a confrontation with Jack Bauer. But that is only because he can fly away.
25 Jack Bauer does not get taken prisoner. He puts himself in a disadvantageous position so as to make his next several killings more dramatic.
26 When you walk into a bar and Jack Bauer's your wingman, you're not probably gonna get laid. You WILL get laid.
27 Only Jack Bauer can fly a plane from the luggage compartment.
28 Jack Bauer sleeps with a pillow under his gun.
29 Jack Bauer is the only human in the world with the ability to make Chloe O'Brien drop the personality disorder and patch him through.
30 Jack Bauer let himself be drugged, beaten and captured inside a crate on a Chinese ship heading out of the USA with no way for help to find him. Now he has them right where we wants them.
31 1.6 billion Chinese are angry with Jack Bauer. Sounds like a fair fight.
32 Superman wears Jack Bauer pajamas.
33 If you wake up in the morning, it's because Jack Bauer spared your life.
34 When life gave Jack Bauer lemons, he used them to kill terrorists. Jack Bauer ****ing hates lemonade.
35 When Kim Bauer lost her virginity, Jack Bauer found it and put it back.
36 If it tastes like chicken, looks like chicken, and feels like chicken, but Jack Bauer says its beef. Then it's ****ing beef.
37 The only reason the Chinese kept Jack alive is so that he could bring down the population.
38 When Christopher Henderson tried to shoot Jack, his gun was, in fact, loaded. The bullets were just too scared to come out.
39 Jack Bauer doesn't have a firewall on his PC. He has a Bauerwall. It's basically just a JPEG of Jack Bauer. No virus has ever attacked Jack Bauer's PC. Ever.
40 Lets get one thing straight, the only reason you are conscious right now is because Jack Bauer does not feel like carrying you.
41 If Jack Bauer's gun jams, it's because he wanted to beat you with it.
42 Jack Bauer could strangle you with a cordless phone.
43 Jack Bauer played Russian Roulette with a fully loaded gun and won.
44 MTV once tried to 'Punk' Kiefer Sutherland by staging a robery in a store. Sutherland smiled and pulled out his SIG and shot 3 actors in the head. This is why there was a new cast on Punk'd after season one.
45 A standard deck now contains 48 cards. Too many people were getting hurt for trying to play Jack.
46 Jack Bauer can break anyone and anything, but he will always break the protocol first.
47 Jack Bauer is currently involved in a complex law suit with the California Department of Justice due to their attempt to ban Jack Bauer as an "Assault Weapon". Jack maintains he is primarily used for hunting and target shooting, and is quite safe to have around families. But statistics don't lie.
48 If Jack Bauer gives you his word, return it immediately and run.
49 It's no use crying over spilt milk... Unless that was Jack Bauer's milk. Oh you are so screwed.
50 When 24 airs on the Spanish channel everyones lines are translated except for Jack's. The reason for this, nobody speaks for Jack Bauer.
51 On a high school math test, Jack Bauer put down "Violence" as every one of the answers. He got an A+ on the test because Jack Bauer solves all his problems with Violence.
52 When Special Forces raided an afghan training camp, they found an empty camp and a pirated copy of 24 Season 4.
53 Jack Bauer arrested RoboCop. Think about that.
54 Jack Bauer once won a game of Connect 4 in 3 moves.
55 Jack Bauer is the leading cause of death in Middle Eastern men. 2
56 When someone asks him how his day is going, Jack replies, "Previously, on 24..."
57 Jack Bauer was never addicted to heroin. Heroin was addicted to Jack Bauer.
58 Jack doesn't believe in Murphy's Law, only Bauer's Law: "Whatever CAN go wrong, WILL be resolved in a period of 24 hours."
59 RIP Edgar If you see this give it a 10. Just cuz it's what Edgar would have wanted.
60 No matter how or when you die, the last thing you see will be Jack Bauer.
61 Tony was once shot in the neck, rushed to the hospital, underwent emergency surgery and was back on the job in just a few hours. Jack Bauer still can't believe that ***** went to the hospital first.
62 Most pilots need 5,000 feet of runway to land a plane. Jack Bauer needs 100 feet and a gun.
63 In order to control illegal immigration in the United States, the president installed cardboard cutouts of Jack Bauer along the US/Mexico border.
64 When Jack Bauer plays dodgeball, the ball dodges Jack Bauer.
65 Get one thing straight, the only reason that container ship is still afloat is that Jack Bauer doesn't feel like swimming all the way to China.
66 Superman's only weakness is Kryptonite. Jack Bauer laughs at Superman for having a weakness.
67 Teri Bauer had her tubes tied years ago. That still didn't stop Jack
68 American Idol is only popular because it has a commercial for 24.
69 In 96 hours, Jack Bauer has killed 93 people and saved the world 4 times. What the **** have you done with your life?
70 There is the right way, the wrong way, and the Jack Bauer way. It's basically the right way but faster and more deaths.
71 The Berlin Wall fell because Jack Bauer needed to get to the other side.
72 Killing Jack Bauer doesn't make him dead. It just makes him angry.
73 Going to China is all part of Jack Bauer's master plan to rid the world of Communism.
74 Kim Bauer was an accident. Not even the pill can stop Jack Bauer.
75 Jack Bauer once visited the Virgin Islands. They are now The Islands.
76 Jack Bauer arm once wrestled Superman. The stipulations were the loser had to wear his underwear on the outside of his pants.
77 When Jack Bauer goes to the airport and the metal detector doesn't go off, security gives him a gun.
78 Jack Bauer doesn't miss. If he didn't hit you it's because he was shooting at another terrorist twelve miles away.
79 Jack Bauer once opened a can of whoop ***. All he found inside was a mirror.
80 Jack Bauer set an ordinary flash memory card to self-destruct. Don't ask how he did it, he's ****ing Jack Bauer.
81 Jack Bauer doesn't speak any foreign languages, but he can make any foreigner speak English in a matter of minutes.
82 Jack Bauer doesn't take fingerprints, he takes fingers.
83 If Rosa Parks was in Jack Bauer's seat, she'd move to the back of the bus.
84 Jack needed a well-earned holiday after season 5. Drugged, captured, beaten and tortured in a cargo hold surrounded by Chinese agents eager for revenge is just his preferred method of travel - otherwise he tends to get bored on long trips.
85 Osama bin Laden's recent proposal for truce is a direct result of him finding out that Jack Bauer is, in fact, still alive.
86 Jack Bauer teaches a course at Harvard entitled: "Time Management: Making the Most Out Of Each Day."
87 When Google can't find something, it asks Jack Bauer for help. 2
88 Sun Tzu once wrote, "If your enemy is weaker, conquer him. If he is stronger, join him. If he is Jack Bauer, you're ****ing dead."
89 Messenger bags owe Jack Bauer for single-handedly stealing them from the clutches of emo fashion and making them genuinely cool. Same thing with hoodies. And crying.
90 Jack Bauer wasn't born, he was unleashed.
91 Don't ever ask Jack Bauer what is going on. He'll explain in the car.
92 If Jack Bauer was in a room with Hitler, Stalin, and Nina Meyers, and he had a gun with 2 bullets, he'd shoot Stalin and Hitler so they wouldn't have to bear witness to what he'd do to Nina.
93 Jack Bauer's favorite color is severe terror alert red. His second favorite color is violet, but just because it sounds like violent.
94 Simon Says should be renamed to Jack Bauer Says because if Jack Bauer says something then you better ****ing do it.
95 Michael Jackson once told Jack Bauer to "beat it," and Jack Bauer beat the black out of him. Thus began Michael Jackson's downward spiral.
96 In the 18 months where Jack Bauer was presumed dead, Tony Almeida was put in a coma, Michelle and David Palmer were killed, a major hurricane raveged the Gulf Coast, and Rob Schneider made another movie. See what happens when Bauer isn't around?
97 The government takes portions of Jack Bauer's lungs to make gas masks.
98 Jack Bauer does not use doors. He makes his own.
99 Jack Bauer once killed so many terrorists that at one point, the #5 CIA Most Wanted fugitive was an 18-year-old teenager in Malaysia who downloaded the movie Dodgeball.
100 Jack Bauer brought sexy back, then shot Justin Timberlake for trying to take the credit.