PDA

View Full Version : As the giant buttocks crept closer, fear began to well up


sanantoniosooner
12/19/2006, 12:00 PM
*see attached pic*

I had simply wanted to attend my son's orchestra performance. A brief moment of payback for the hours of bleeding ears I've endured.

Little did I know that I was to come face to face with the lapdance of death.

As we sit through the beginners, she shifts her weight. The chair creaks. One inch of personal space lost. The intermediates warm up and she waves at her daughter. Creak, creak, creak. I can no longer hear cellos, violins or anthing except a small chair, designed for a middle school student, groaning under the stress of massive hamhocks in polyester.

I ponder the idea of bracing the legs of the chair with my feet. I'll try that for a little bit I think to myself. As I work my feet into position and adjust my weight for a little leverage a standing ovation occurs. It's obvious that I'm not going to catch a break, unless it's my knees.

Re-seating gulps a full 3 inches. I can see the giant moles on her neck that force the necklace to snake it's way around the redwood stump. The earring must be from a gum ball machine. It's turned the piercing hole green with it's cheep metallic existence. Fear grips me. All the possibilities. A sudden shift could cost me my legs. A fart could make me long for death. One of those moles could give birth to an alien.

As the advanced group plays the theme to Polar Express, I lose myself in the obvious leap in quality over the previous musicians. I think to myself that if it all ends now, I'm OK with things. As long as I don't have to gnaw any appendages off to survive, it will be all right. Fortunately, as the song ends I'm able to stand before the final little bit of my precious space is usurped by the mighty rumpus. It's a good night. My son played well. My knees are intact. Only my son's choice of IHOP for dinner stands in the way of a decent evening.
Tulsa_Fireman
12/19/2006, 12:04 PM
That's hawt.
BoogercountySooner
12/19/2006, 12:06 PM
Geeze SAS you should have said HI. I didn't know you were sitting right behind me and the wife!
Osce0la
12/19/2006, 12:12 PM
You'd hit it and you know it ;)
Mjcpr
12/19/2006, 12:13 PM
Hairy wants to know where she gets her pants.
BoogercountySooner
12/19/2006, 12:14 PM
Hairy wants to know where she gets her pants.

Out of the closet! Dah
colleyvillesooner
12/19/2006, 12:46 PM
Not famous. Prepare to be baned. :D
Beef
12/19/2006, 12:52 PM
The chair looks like it's about to cry.
Okla-homey
12/19/2006, 01:02 PM
ain't nuttin' wrong with a little back.
GottaHavePride
12/19/2006, 01:04 PM
That is NOT a little back. That's a frickin' HUGE back.
BlondeSoonerGirl
12/19/2006, 02:08 PM
In all fairness, is that one of those wee chairs for wee people?

Not that she ain't packing the backin' but still...it might look a little worse than it is.


Right?


Right?
Mongo
12/19/2006, 02:10 PM
See SAS's knees? He is only 5' 2" tall, that would make her *** 4 feet wide.
crawfish
12/19/2006, 02:10 PM
In all fairness, is that one of those wee chairs for wee people?

Not that she ain't packing the backin' but still...it might look a little worse than it is.


Right?


Right?

If she sat on one of them tiny chairs, it might be lost forever. :eek:
C&CDean
12/19/2006, 02:17 PM
When the wife and I go out to see the kid's concerts she usually sits next to me, not in front of me. Different strokes...
NormanPride
12/19/2006, 02:25 PM
Wow.
toast
12/19/2006, 02:52 PM
Those chairs should have a warning sign with a weight limit.
crawfish
12/19/2006, 02:54 PM
When the wife and I go out to see the kid's concerts she usually sits next to me, not in front of me. Different strokes...

Yeah, but I don't think any of us expects her to sit beside sas...

(ducks)
Tulsa_Fireman
12/19/2006, 02:55 PM
It's also nice to know Brad Pitt likes to take pictures of people's butts at orchestras.

How DO you stay so slim and perfect, handsome?
DustySooner
12/19/2006, 02:57 PM
I'm not trying to be mean but..I think one chair for each cheek would actually work. Can we get some measurements?
Soonrboy
12/19/2006, 03:58 PM
I hate going into the kindergarten/first grade rooms to do observations. I just know that I'm going to plant my fat *** in one of those little bitty chairs one day and the legs are going to all flail out and I'll be on my *** with a class of 5 or 6 years olds laughing their *** off at their fat principal.

I'm just waiting for the day.
LoyalFan
12/19/2006, 04:20 PM
*see attached pic*

...massive hamhocks in polyester...




Uhhhhh, SAS? Lookie here:

http://www.gourmetsleuth.com/images/hamhocks.jpg
(Piggy ankles)

compare to:

http://www.costumesinc.com/Costumes/images/medium/31008.jpg

See, you had nothing to fear from her hammy hocks a-tall. T'was her buttocks that posed the threat.

Congrats to your son on his concert. If more kids were in Band, Choir, and Orchestra, there'd be fewer Latin Club Caligula wanna-bes plaguing society!

I went, I wiped, I left.
LoyalCaesar
sanantoniosooner
12/20/2006, 08:28 AM
In all fairness, is that one of those wee chairs for wee people?

Not that she ain't packing the backin' but still...it might look a little worse than it is.


Right?


Right?
Full size chairs.

And they groan like a cow giving birth.
PrideTrombone
12/20/2006, 08:35 AM
Congrats to your son on his concert. If more kids were in Band, Choir, and Orchestra, there'd be fewer Latin Club Caligula wanna-bes plaguing society!

I went, I wiped, I left.
LoyalCaesar

Plus I'd make more money. :)
SoonerJack
12/20/2006, 08:42 AM
I thought this story was going to end with the chair collapsing and sending the lady into your lap or something....which would have been funny and scary.
sanantoniosooner
12/20/2006, 01:56 PM
I thought this story was going to end with the chair collapsing and sending the lady into your lap or something....which would have been funny and scary.
fortunately, for all involved, pure terror at the possibility of being crushed was the only negative of the encounter.
OU4LIFE
12/20/2006, 01:57 PM
this thread makes me hungry.
sanantoniosooner
12/20/2006, 02:01 PM
crack kills.

at least that one would have.
OU4LIFE
12/20/2006, 02:02 PM
I must have missed the crack.
BlondeSoonerGirl
12/20/2006, 02:05 PM
this thread makes me hungry.

For deelishus country ham?
sanantoniosooner
12/20/2006, 02:05 PM
I must have missed the crack.
OH you CAN'T see it.

But you KNOW it's lurking under there.

Polyester doesn't make it go away.
OU4LIFE
12/20/2006, 02:06 PM
they make dimpled ham?
sanantoniosooner
12/20/2006, 02:07 PM
they make dimpled ham?
It would take a satellite to spiral slice it.
OU4LIFE
12/20/2006, 02:07 PM
mmmmmm dimpled ham.....
Mjcpr
12/20/2006, 08:05 PM
http://i114.photobucket.com/albums/n252/antibama2/hangover.jpg
tbl
12/20/2006, 11:10 PM
It would take a satellite to spiral slice it.
Too bad I already spek'd you for the initial post, b/c that one made me laugh.
BlondeSoonerGirl
12/21/2006, 10:00 AM
http://i114.photobucket.com/albums/n252/antibama2/hangover.jpg

Why does it look like it's smiling?
Mjcpr
12/21/2006, 10:02 AM
Why does it look like it's smiling?

It does, doesn't it? It also looks like it's eating the chair....you can see it's top lip on the seat.

:D
sanantoniosooner
12/21/2006, 07:28 PM
http://i114.photobucket.com/albums/n252/antibama2/hangover.jpg
unless you got a story, it's just a picture.
Mongo
12/21/2006, 07:46 PM
unless you got a story, it's just a picture.

That's him, he has packed the pounds on since he quit smoking
OU4LIFE
12/22/2006, 08:33 AM
I'm not hungry anymore.
sanantoniosooner
5/17/2011, 06:47 PM
Same type of event, different son. The butt in front of me is large but acceptable.
Sooner_Tuf
5/17/2011, 07:07 PM
Could be worse. She could have asked for a ride.