I have to write 2-3 pages of dialog for my tv class tomorrow

[proud gonzo]

I hope you guys won't mind if I borrow some subject matter from you. Right now the dialog is going to be about the luck of the norm and eating sammiches on the toilet.

[opksooner]

Borrow the Seinfeld story line: "A show about nothing".......and turn in five blank pages.

[Ike]

I hope you guys won't mind if I borrow some subject matter from you. Right now the dialog is going to be about the luck of the norm and eating sammiches on the toilet.

you could also include turning "I love Lucy" into pr0n.

[mdklatt]

I had a great idea for a Seinfeld script one time...and so can you for $20.

[BeetDigger]

This seems like deja vu. Didn't you ask us for help with another project recently? As I remember, we weren't too helpful back then. What makes you think that we will be any better this time?

[slickdawg]

Three's Company, with Jenna Jameson, Pamela Anderson and Doleo.

[Soonrboy]

and do the spelling like doleo...that sheet impresses.

[slickdawg]

"The Pope And The Congressman: A hard look at teenage boys"

[mdklatt]

I had a great idea for a Seinfeld script one time...and so can you for $20.

Screw it, I'll share it anyway.


The gang (Jerry, Elaine, Kramer, and George) always shop at a local bodega, right? So imagine what what happen if they went to a megamart out in New Jersey or somewhere.

George subplot: George leaves his cart behind to go track down an item. He sees an old woman pushing what he thinks is his cart (she's got the same three offbeat items in it) and proceeds to harass her. Cut away to George's cart sitting right where he left it, with those same three items in it. He eventually gets cornered by store security, and goes into a long BS explanation of astronomical odds that she happened to have the same three items in her car, and how could it be a coincidence? Again cut to a shot of his cart sitting right where he left it. He gets tossed out of the store.

Elaine subplot: Elaine starts flirting with a (much younger) stock boy, ends up luring him into the back to make out, and gets him fired. Her and the stock boy get tossed out of the store. She asks for his number as he walks away, and he says something about her being too old for him anyway.

Kramer subplot: He starts hanging out at the lobster tank, and decides that they should be freed. During the "rescue" attempt he accidentally breaks the tank, sending water and lobsters everywhere, and gets attacked by a lobser because he took the rubber bands off the claws. He gets tossed from the store and meets George and Elaine in the parking lot.

Jerry subplot: Jerry spends the entire time in awe in the cereal aisle. Cue "hallelujah" music when he sees all of the different varieties. He leaves the store with nothing but a bunch of cereal, sees the other three sitting on the curb in front of the store, and the last line of the episode is "What the hell happened to you guys?"

[reevie]

Can I be in the paper?

[BeetDigger]

If it involves Norm, the situation has to include Wal-Mart. Maybe the sandwiches were purchased at Wal-Mart and he didn't realize that they were made with a meat that he is allergic to until he was eating one while on the can. The bad thing is, his allergic reaction makes it difficult to stand. However, it gives him a bad case of diarrhea and causes simultaneous vomiting. He calls for Mrs. Norm to come in and clean up the mess and pull him off the terlit. However, she has just left to go for a girl’s night out and forgot her cell phone on the counter.

Ok, I guess that’s a situation, not dialogue. I’ll have to think up some dialogue to go with this masterpiece of a situation.

[GottaHavePride]

Heh. This is pretty ntertaining. Although I think PG just intended this as fair warning. ;)

[Czar Soonerov]

Now, I know that there is a lot of embellishment that occurs on this group and I am aware that a small number of things are perhaps sheer fabrication, but I have a story to tell that is the absolute truth.

Funniest damn thing that has ever happened to me. A couple of weeks ago we decided to cruise out to Ryan's Steakhouse for dinner. It was a Wednesday night which means that macaroni and beef was on the hot bar, indeed the only night of the week that it is served. Wednesday night is also kid's night at Ryan's, complete with Dizzy the Clown wandering from table to table entertaining the little bastards. It may seem that the events about to be told have little connection to those two circumstances, but all will be clear in a moment.

We went through the line and placed our orders for the all-you-can-eat hot bar then sat down as far away from the front of the restaurant as possible in order to keep the density of kids down a bit. Then I started my move to the hot bar. Plate after plate of macaroni and beef were consumed that evening, I tell you - in all, four heaping plates of the pseudo-Italian ambrosia were shoved into my belly. I was sated. Perhaps a bit too much, however.

I had not really been feeling well all day, what with a bit of gas and such. By the time I had eaten four overwhelmed plates of food, I was in real trouble. There was so much pressure on my diaphragm that I was having trouble breathing. At the same time, the downward pressure was building. At first I thought it was only gas, which could have been passed in batches right at the table without too much concern.

Unfortunately, that was not to be. After a minute or so it was clear that I was dealing with explosive diarrhea. It's amazing how grease can make its way through your intestines far faster than the food which spawned the grease to begin with, but I digress... I got up from the table and made my way to the bathroom. Upon entering, I saw two sinks immediately inside the door, two urinals just to the right of the sinks, and two toilet stalls against the back wall. One of them was a handicapped bathroom. Now, normally I would have gone to the handicapped stall since I like to stretch out a bit when I take a good crap. But in this case, the door lock was broken and the only thing I hate worse than my wife telling me to stop cutting my toenails with a pair of diagonal wire-cutters is having someone walk in on me while I am taking a crap.

I went to the normal stall. In retrospect, I probably should have gone to the large, handicapped stall even though the door would not lock because that bit of time lost in making the stall switch proved to be a bit too long under the circumstances. By the time I had walked into the regular stall, the pressure on my *** was reaching Biblical portions. I began "The Move."

For those women who may be reading this, let me take a moment to explain "The Move." Men know exactly what their bowels are up to at any given second. And when the time comes to empty the cache, a sequence of physiological events occur that can not be stopped under any circumstances. There is a move men make that involves simultaneously approaching the toilet, beginning the body turn to position ones *** toward said toilet, hooking ones fingers into ones waistline, and pulling down the pants while beginning the squat at the same time. It is a very fluid motion that, when performed properly, results in the flawless expulsion of crap at the exact same second that one’s *** is properly placed on the toilet seat. Done properly, it even assures that the choad is properly inserted into the front rim of the toilet in the event that the **** stream lets loose at the same time; it is truly a picture of coordination rivaling that of a skilled ballet dancer.

I was about halfway into "The Move" when I looked down at the floor and saw a pile of vomit that had been previously expelled by one of those little bastards attending kids night. It was mounded up in the corner so I did not notice it when I had first walked into the stall. Normally, I would not have been bothered by such a thing, but I had eaten so much and the pressure upward was so intense, that I hit a rarely experienced gag reflex. And once that reflex started, combined with the intense pressure upward caused by the bloated stomach, four plates of macaroni and beef started coming up for a rematch.

What happened next was so quick that the exact sequence of events is a bit fuzzy, but I will try to reconstruct them as best I can. In that moment of impending projectile vomiting, my attention was diverted from the goings-on at the other end. To put a freeze frame on the situation, I was half crouched down to the toilet, pants pulled down to my knees, with a load of vomit coming up my esophagus.

Now, most of you know that vomiting takes precedence over crap no matter what is about to come slamming out of your ***. It is apparently an evolutionary thing since crapting will not kill you, but vomiting takes a presence of mind to accomplish so that you do not aspirate any food into the bronchial tubes and perhaps choke to death. My attention was thus diverted. At that very split second, my *** exploded in what can only be described as a wake...you know, as in a newspaper headline along the lines of "30,000 Killed In Wake of Typhoon Fifi" or something similar. In what seemed to be most suitably measured in cubic feet, an enormous plug of crap the consistency of thick mud with embedded pockets of greasy liquid came flying out of my ***.

But remember, I was only halfway down on the toilet at that moment. The crap wave was of such force, and of just such an angle in relation to the back curve of the toilet seat, that it ricocheted off the back of the seat and slammed into the wall - at an angle of incidence equal to the angle at which it initially hit the toilet seat. Then I sat down. Recall that when that event occurred, I was already halfway to sitting anyway and had actually reached the point of no return. I have always considered myself as relatively stable gravitationally, but when you get beyond a certain point, you're going down no matter how limber you may be. Needless to say, the crap wave, though of considerable force, was not so sufficient so as to completely glance off the toilet seat and deposit itself on the walls - unlike what you would see when hitting a puddle with a high-pressure water hose; even though you throw water at the puddle, the puddle gets moved and no water is left to re-form a puddle. There was a significant amount of crap remaining on about one-third of the seat rim which I had now just collapsed upon.

Now, back to the vomit...

While all the crapting was going on, the vomit was still on its way up. By the time I had actually collapsed on the toilet, my mouth had filled up with a goodly portion of the macaroni and beef I had just consumed. OK, so what does the human body instinctively do when vomiting? One bends over. So I bent over. I was still sitting on the toilet, though. Therefore, bending over resulted in me placing my head above my now slightly-opened legs, positioned in between my knees and waist. Also directly above my pants which were now pulled down to a point just midway between my knees and my ankles. Oh, did I mention that I was wearing not just pants, but sweatpants with elastic on the ankles. In one mighty push, some three pounds of macaroni and beef, two or three Cokes, and a couple of Big, Fat Yeast Rolls were deposited in my pants...on the inside...with no ready exit at the bottom down by my feet. In the next several seconds, there were a handful of farts, a couple of turds, and the event ended. Yet I was now sitting there with my pants full of vomit, my back covered in crap that had bounced off the toilet, spattered on three ceramic-tiled walls to a height of about five feet, and still had enough force to come back at me, covering the back of my shirt with droplets of liquid crap. All while thick crap was spread all over my *** in a ring curiously in the shape of a toilet seat.

And there was no freaking toilet paper. What could I do but laugh. I must have sounded like a complete maniac to the guy who then wandered into the bathroom. He actually asked if I was OK since I was laughing so hard I must have sounded like I was crying hysterically. I calmed down just enough to ask him if he would get the manager. And told him to have the manager bring some toilet paper. When the manager walked in, he brought the toilet paper with him, but in no way was prepared for what happened next. I simply told him that there was no way I was going to explain what was happening in the stall, but that I needed several wet towels and I needed him to go ask my wife to come help me. I told him where we were sitting and he left. At that point, I think he was probably assuming that I had ****ed just a bit in my pants or something similarly benign.

About two minutes later, my wife came into the bathroom not knowing what was wrong and with a certain amount of worry in her voice. I explained to her (still laughing and having trouble getting out words) that I had a slight accident and needed her help. Knowing that I had experienced some close calls in the past, she probably assumed that I had laid down a small turd or something and just needed to bring the car around so we could bolt immediately. Until I asked her, I'm sure she had no idea that she was about to go across the street and purchase me new underwear, new socks, new pants, a new shirt, and (by that time due to considerable leakage around the elastic ankles thingies) new sneakers. And she then started to laugh herself since I was still laughing. She began to ask for an explanation as to what had happened when I promised her that I would tell her later, but that I just needed to handle damage control for the time being. She left.

The manager then came back in with a half-dozen wet towels and a few dry ones. I asked him to also bring a mop and bucket upon which he assured me that they would clean up anything that needed to be cleaned. Without giving him specific details, I explained that what was going on in that stall that night was far in excess of what I would expect anyone to deal with, what with most of the folks working at Ryan's making minimum wage of just slightly above. At that moment, I think it dawned on him exactly the gravity of the situation. Then that manager went so far above the call of duty that I will be eternally grateful for his actions. He hooked up a hose. Fortunately, commercial bathrooms are constructed with tile walls and tile floors and have a drain in the middle of the room in order to make clean up easy. Fortunately, I was in a commercial bathroom. He hooked up the hose to the spigot located under the sink as I began cleaning myself up with the wet towels.

Just as I was finishing, my wife got back with the new clothes and passed them into the stall, whereupon I stuffed the previously worn clothing into the plastic bag that came from the store, handing the bag to my wife. I finished cleaning myself off and carefully put on my new clothes, still stuck in the stall since I figured that it would be in bad taste to go out of the stall to get redressed, in the event I happened to be standing there naked and some little bastard kid walked in. At that point, I had only made a mess; I had not yet committed a felony and intended to keep it that way.

When I finished getting dressed, I picked up the hose and cleaned up the entire stall, washing down the remains toward the drain in the center of the room. I put down the hose and walked out of the bathroom. I had intended to go to the manager and thank him for all he had done, but when I walked out, three of the management staff were there to greet me with a standing ovation. I started laughing so hard that I thought I was going to throw up again, but managed to scurry out to the car where my wife was now waiting to pick me up by the front door.

The upshot of all this is that I strongly recommend eating dinner at Ryan's Steak House. They have, by far, the nicest management staff of any restaurant in which I have eaten.

The Ryan's Steakhouse Story

by Norm

[SoonerInKCMO]

Just steal some off of some fan fic website.

Be forewarned though that a lot of those deal with ghey secksin.

[SicEmBaylor]

Just steal some off of some fan fic website.

Be forewarned though that a lot of those deal with ghey secksin.

Heh, there's this girl in a statewide conservative organization that I belonged to until I recently resigned...

Anywhoo, I was bored one night and started doing a google search on various people from this organization and decided to do her because I knew she had a website up and I wanted some of the pics she had taken at the previous meeting. I can already see how this probably sounds so I'll get to the point...

Anyway, one website with her brought up another and by the third one I found I had dug pretty deep and apparently she writes X-Files fan fiction that included some pretty hot and steamy scenes with Mulder and Scully. She'd be horrified if anyone knew about this, so the potential for blackmail is very very high.

[SoonerInKCMO]

Dude stay away from her... fan fic people are crazier than you are. ;)

[olevetonahill]

Can I be the terlit paper?
:eek:

[proud gonzo]

This seems like deja vu. Didn't you ask us for help with another project recently? As I remember, we weren't too helpful back then. What makes you think that we will be any better this time?hell, i'm not asking for help, I'm just stalking everyone :D

[proud gonzo]

oh, and the word "terlit" will definitely be used

[olevetonahill]

oh, and the word "terlit" will definitely be used
You must use , Bained , Morans , nOObs , bewbs , etc ;)

[proud gonzo]

I think the people in my tv class would have me committed if I used all of those :D

[mdklatt]

The gang (Jerry, Elaine, Kramer, and George) always shop at a local bodega, right? So imagine what what happen if they went to a megamart out in New Jersey or somewhere.



You stole that, didn't you? :D

I totally did not!

[olevetonahill]

I think the people in my tv class would have me committed if I used all of those :D
Then they have No class , comapred to Usins ;)

[proud gonzo]

wow... the people in my class are going to think something's wrong with me.

[GottaHavePride]

Yeah, especially if you can work in any of olevet's story about the Jehova's Witnesses. :D

[olevetonahill]

Yeah, especially if you can work in any of olevet's story about the Jehova's Witnesses. :D
true story :eek:
I had aske em seveal ims to hav sme one contact me to discuss their believes . I was being serious . they just kept coming back messin with me . so I messed back .:cool:

[GottaHavePride]

heh.

[MamaMia]

This reminds me. Its Jay Leno headline day.

[proud gonzo]

oh lordy... i'm going to feel bad about emailing this to people. I mean, I think two pages of condensed SO insanity is too much for normal people. :eek:

[olevetonahill]

oh lordy... i'm going to feel bad about emailing this to people. I mean, I think two pages of condensed SO insanity is too much for normal people. :eek:
Hell girl if they were " Normal " they would be here with us ;)

[BeetDigger]

oh, and the word "terlit" will definitely be used


I believe that "All in the Family" was the first show that used the word terlit. It was before your time but Edith used to try to stall when someone came to the house looking for Archie. We would then hear the "flush" and he would come running down stairs. A very funny gag that was well designed, very cutting edge (I think that the censors looked at that pretty hard) and was not overused. They'd pull it out a few times a season and it was always good for a laugh.

Word of advice, don't marry a man by the name of Mike Stivek. Everyone will call him Meathead.

[Ike]

oh lordy... i'm going to feel bad about emailing this to people. I mean, I think two pages of condensed SO insanity is too much for normal people. :eek:


It's a TV class. There are no normal people in one of those.

[PhxSooner]

My husband's roommate in college had a toilet that sounded like a dying whale every time you flushed it...I got nuthin'.

[hurricane'bone]

I'm waiting for a group member to email me his part of our presentation.

for tomorrow.

at 8 am.

:mad:

[proud gonzo]

aw, that sucks

[proud gonzo]

I think my dialog is done--yay!

[olevetonahill]

My husband's roommate in college had a toilet that sounded like a dying whale every time you flushed it...I got nuthin'.
If it was ur husbands "roommate " then didnt ur husbands terlit sound like a dying whale also ?:confused:

[hurricane'bone]

yay you!


I'm still waiting...think its time for a little minesweeper.

[PhxSooner]

If it was ur husbands "roommate " then didnt ur husbands terlit sound like a dying whale also ?:confused:
Nah, they lived in a three-bedroom with two bathrooms in stylish Brookhollow.

My brother's toilet in Brookhollow was attached at an angle, so when you sat down, you felt like you were going to fall off if you didn't hang on to the wall.

Not sure why I have so many of these toilet stories...

[SicEmBaylor]

I think my dialog is done--yay!

Are you seriously going to turn this thread into your prof?

[proud gonzo]

it's not THIS thread... it's just a culmination of ideas that have been on here... it involves the luck of the norm, eating sammiches on the terlit, and olevet's JW story :D

He kinda described it as an evesdropping exercise. He wanted it to be like you just transcribed an overheard conversation...but made it not suck

[SicEmBaylor]

it's not THIS thread... it's just a culmination of ideas that have been on here... it involves the luck of the norm, eating sammiches on the terlit, and olevet's JW story :D

He kinda described it as an evesdropping exercise. He wanted it to be like you just transcribed an overheard conversation...but made it not suck

Nice.

[BeetDigger]

Nah, they lived in a three-bedroom with two bathrooms in stylish Brookhollow.

My brother's toilet in Brookhollow was attached at an angle, so when you sat down, you felt like you were going to fall off if you didn't hang on to the wall.

Not sure why I have so many of these toilet stories...



Everybody has a fetish.

[frankensooner]

You are going to share though, right pg...please! :D

[Beef]

Everybody has a fetish.
Mmmmmm....fetishes.

[proud gonzo]

You are going to share though, right pg...please! :Dmmmmaybe

[frankensooner]

Thank you! :D

[TheHumanAlphabet]

Just copy the latest Pride thread and I am sure that will come close to your requirement and it may actually be an interesting (and controversial) show...

[Xstnlsooner]

That story by Czar was just too effin hilarious!! My eyes were watering
and me sides were achin!! TFF

[proud gonzo]

ok, I don't claim to have written anything brilliant for this assignment, but (and I seriously hope nobody in that class is on here unbeknownst to me) some of the people's dialogs are horrible. I mean, they're just awful. I almost want to quote things to you, but I'd feel too bad about it.

[BeetDigger]

Clearly you have never watched a pron movie.

[soonerboomer93]

oh, like the dialog matters, everyone just fast forwards through it anyways

[SicEmBaylor]

oh, like the dialog matters, everyone just fast forwards through it anyways

I'm a slow-mo man myself.

[proud gonzo]

Qapla'! :D I was a close runner up as the professor's "winner" for best dialog.

bwahaha--I'm pretty sure he's going to steal my phrase "Zen Poopism" now.

[Ike]

Qapla'! :D I was a close runner up as the professor's "winner" for best dialog.

bwahaha--I'm pretty sure he's going to steal my phrase "Zen Poopism" now.


so when are you going to post it?

[proud gonzo]

um.... never?


:D

[olevetonahill]

so when are you going to post it?
Yup By damn
we need a a copy :D

[Ike]

now thats just not cool :mad:

[proud gonzo]

:O

[olevetonahill]

:O
Aw come on
You can redact all the names ;)
Hell this is our only claim to fame :eek:

[proud gonzo]

I didn't actually use people's names. But I suppose I'll PM it to the people it was somewhat based on. ;)

[olevetonahill]

I didn't actually use people's names. But I suppose I'll PM it to the people it was somewhat based on. ;)
Post it girl
Thats some funny shat :D
Im just glad i could be a part :D :D :D ;)

[hurricane'bone]

I didn't actually use people's names. But I suppose I'll PM it to the people it was somewhat based on. ;)


peem it to me anyway.

Its too bad you couldn't write it about the Pride thread

[proud gonzo]

peem it to me anyway.

Its too bad you couldn't write it about the Pride threadhehehe--that's true. I didn't want to make people commit suicide during class though ;)

[BeetDigger]

If you don't post it, can you PM it to me. I think I had some minor contribution.

[olevetonahill]

If you don't post it, can you PM it to me. I think I had some minor contribution.
No she done said I get to star in the movie !:D :D :D :D :D