View Full Version : The official Steven Wright-isms thread.
OU4LIFE
10/24/2006, 07:27 AM
feel free to add to the list.
- I had a girlfriend once, I went to her house to take her out and her father said "I want her home by eight fifteen." I said "Middle of August? that's cool"
OU4LIFE
10/24/2006, 07:28 AM
- What would cell phones look like if our mouths were nowhere near our ears?
Viking Kitten
10/24/2006, 07:30 AM
I was up all night playing poker with tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died.
Viking Kitten
10/24/2006, 07:31 AM
You can't have everything. Where would you put it?
Viking Kitten
10/24/2006, 07:34 AM
The Stones, man. I love the Stones. I watch them whenever I can, I can't believe they're still doin' it after all these years. Fred, Barney...
Mixer!
10/24/2006, 07:34 AM
Why do we drive on parkways and park on driveways?
Viking Kitten
10/24/2006, 07:36 AM
Why do we drive on parkways and park on driveways?
:les: CARLIN-ISM!!!! :D
sooner_born_1960
10/24/2006, 07:42 AM
Steven Wright Biography
I was born. When I was 23 I started telling jokes. Then I started going on television and doing films. That's still what I am doing. The end.
Mixer!
10/24/2006, 07:46 AM
:les: CARLIN-ISM!!!! :D
D'OH! I deserve negspek for that one. :O
WILBURJIM
10/24/2006, 07:51 AM
If you were in a vehicle traveling at the speed of light, and you turned on the headlights, what would happen?
sooner_born_1960
10/24/2006, 07:52 AM
When I was a little kid, we had a quicksand box. I was an only child…eventually.
OU4LIFE
10/24/2006, 08:01 AM
- I bought ONE walkie talkie.
OU4LIFE
10/24/2006, 08:02 AM
- I have a CD burner, my fireplace.
85Sooner
10/24/2006, 08:27 AM
:les: CARLIN-ISM!!!! :D
actually thats gallegher
The opposite of pro is con so congress must be the opposite of progress.
toast
10/24/2006, 08:31 AM
I once put instant coffee in the microwave and went back in time.
picasso
10/24/2006, 08:44 AM
I bought some powdered water but didn't know what to add.
that's all I got. ever.
OU4LIFE
10/24/2006, 08:50 AM
My girlfriend, I liked her because she was unique. She liked to dance really fast to really slow music.
OU4LIFE
10/24/2006, 08:51 AM
you know, the earth is bi-polar.
OU4LIFE
10/24/2006, 08:52 AM
a friend of mine has a trophy wife, but apparently it wasn't 1st place.
picasso
10/24/2006, 09:00 AM
I once had a friend who wore bowling shirts and drank girlie green martini's. His name was Alice.
OU4LIFE
10/24/2006, 09:07 AM
you're only talking trash cause you know i can't play today and whoop you.
like usual.
wanker.
just for that, I need to get out of here and kill you.
OU4LIFE
10/24/2006, 09:07 AM
-why are pictures square if the lens is round?
picasso
10/24/2006, 09:29 AM
you're only talking trash cause you know i can't play today and whoop you.
like usual.
wanker.
just for that, I need to get out of here and kill you.
bring it Denunzio.
Frozen Sooner
10/24/2006, 10:26 AM
I put spot remover on my dog. Now I can't find him.
OU4LIFE
10/24/2006, 10:43 AM
I came home the other day and everything in my apartment had been replaced with an exact duplicate.
XingTheRubicon
10/24/2006, 10:46 AM
replica
XingTheRubicon
10/24/2006, 10:47 AM
The other day I got poison ivy on my brain.....
and the only way I could scratch it was to think about sandpaper.
OU4LIFE
10/24/2006, 10:48 AM
eh, i was close ;)
handcrafted
10/24/2006, 12:02 PM
I woke up this morning and couldn't find my socks.
So I called information. I said "Hello, information, I can't find my socks."
She said, "They're behind the couch." And they were.
handcrafted
10/24/2006, 12:05 PM
Last night when I got home I accidentally put my car ignition key in the front door lock...and the building started up. So I drove it around for a while.
Then I parked in the middle of the road and told all the other cars to get the hell out of my driveway.
A cop pulled me over and he asked me "where do you live?" I said, "Right here!"
crawfish
10/24/2006, 12:07 PM
When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, "Did you sleep good?" I said "No, I made a few mistakes."
crawfish
10/24/2006, 12:08 PM
If you can't hear me, it's because I'm in parentheses.
TUSooner
10/24/2006, 12:18 PM
Everywhere is within walking distance, if you have enough time.
I have a full size model of the universe in my back yard
That's
it.
Jeopardude
10/24/2006, 12:30 PM
Last night I had a freak accident. A freak fell on me.
"I'm feeling kind of hyper."
"I forgot the rest"
My socks all match - I go by thickness.
IB4OU
10/24/2006, 01:54 PM
I installed a skylight... My upstairs neighbors are furious...
PhilTLL
10/24/2006, 03:05 PM
I play the harmonica, but not the normal way. I hold it out the window while I'm driving down the highway.
I put a new engine in my car recently but I didn't take the old one out. Now the harmonica plays really well...
BigRedJed
10/24/2006, 03:10 PM
I intend to live forever - so far, so good.
Pricetag
10/24/2006, 06:30 PM
24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence? I think not.
The Maestro
10/24/2006, 06:37 PM
I once bought some batteries but they weren't included.
I once bought some used paint. It came in the shape of a house.
the_ouskull
10/24/2006, 08:03 PM
If your knees bent the other way, what would a chair look like?
The human body is made up of 90% water. That means that, at any given point, we are THIS close to drowning.
I named my dog, "Stay."
the_ouskull
OUstud
10/24/2006, 08:10 PM
Went to court for a parking ticket...I pleaded insanity...
sanantoniosooner
10/24/2006, 08:18 PM
Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
sanantoniosooner
10/24/2006, 08:19 PM
I was sad because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet.
So I said, "Got any shoes you're not using?"
whatsername
10/24/2006, 09:19 PM
My theory of evolution is that Darwin was adopted.
mikeelikee
10/24/2006, 09:41 PM
It's a small world....but I wouldn't want to paint it.
BeetDigger
10/26/2006, 05:15 PM
I was hungry, it was late at night. I saw a sign at a restaurant "Open 24 hours." As I was walking to the door the manager was locking it. I said "hey, your sign says Open 24 hours." He said "Not in a row."
KC//CRIMSON
10/26/2006, 06:29 PM
I once sat down next to a beautiful blond chinese girl on the bus. She told me she was a nymphomaniac, but was only attracted to Jewish cowboys... I said, 'Hi, my name is Bucky Goldstein.'
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