The official Steven Wright-isms thread.

[OU4LIFE]

feel free to add to the list.

- I had a girlfriend once, I went to her house to take her out and her father said "I want her home by eight fifteen." I said "Middle of August? that's cool"

[OU4LIFE]

- What would cell phones look like if our mouths were nowhere near our ears?

[Viking Kitten]

I was up all night playing poker with tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died.

[Viking Kitten]

You can't have everything. Where would you put it?

[Viking Kitten]

The Stones, man. I love the Stones. I watch them whenever I can, I can't believe they're still doin' it after all these years. Fred, Barney...

[Mixer!]

Why do we drive on parkways and park on driveways?

[Viking Kitten]

Why do we drive on parkways and park on driveways?

:les: CARLIN-ISM!!!! :D

[sooner_born_1960]

Steven Wright Biography

I was born. When I was 23 I started telling jokes. Then I started going on television and doing films. That's still what I am doing. The end.

[Mixer!]

:les: CARLIN-ISM!!!! :D


D'OH! I deserve negspek for that one. :O

[WILBURJIM]

If you were in a vehicle traveling at the speed of light, and you turned on the headlights, what would happen?

[sooner_born_1960]

When I was a little kid, we had a quicksand box. I was an only child…eventually.

[OU4LIFE]

- I bought ONE walkie talkie.

[OU4LIFE]

- I have a CD burner, my fireplace.

[85Sooner]

:les: CARLIN-ISM!!!! :D
actually thats gallegher

The opposite of pro is con so congress must be the opposite of progress.

[toast]

I once put instant coffee in the microwave and went back in time.

[picasso]

I bought some powdered water but didn't know what to add.


that's all I got. ever.

[OU4LIFE]

My girlfriend, I liked her because she was unique. She liked to dance really fast to really slow music.

[OU4LIFE]

you know, the earth is bi-polar.

[OU4LIFE]

a friend of mine has a trophy wife, but apparently it wasn't 1st place.

[picasso]

I once had a friend who wore bowling shirts and drank girlie green martini's. His name was Alice.

[OU4LIFE]

you're only talking trash cause you know i can't play today and whoop you.

like usual.

wanker.

just for that, I need to get out of here and kill you.

[OU4LIFE]

-why are pictures square if the lens is round?

[picasso]

you're only talking trash cause you know i can't play today and whoop you.

like usual.

wanker.

just for that, I need to get out of here and kill you.
bring it Denunzio.

[Frozen Sooner]

I put spot remover on my dog. Now I can't find him.

[OU4LIFE]

I came home the other day and everything in my apartment had been replaced with an exact duplicate.

[XingTheRubicon]

replica

[XingTheRubicon]

The other day I got poison ivy on my brain.....


and the only way I could scratch it was to think about sandpaper.

[OU4LIFE]

eh, i was close ;)

[handcrafted]

I woke up this morning and couldn't find my socks.

So I called information. I said "Hello, information, I can't find my socks."

She said, "They're behind the couch." And they were.

[handcrafted]

Last night when I got home I accidentally put my car ignition key in the front door lock...and the building started up. So I drove it around for a while.

Then I parked in the middle of the road and told all the other cars to get the hell out of my driveway.

A cop pulled me over and he asked me "where do you live?" I said, "Right here!"

[crawfish]

When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, "Did you sleep good?" I said "No, I made a few mistakes."

[crawfish]

If you can't hear me, it's because I'm in parentheses.

[TUSooner]

Everywhere is within walking distance, if you have enough time.

I have a full size model of the universe in my back yard


That's

it.

[Jeopardude]

Last night I had a freak accident. A freak fell on me.

[OhU1]

"I'm feeling kind of hyper."

"I forgot the rest"

[OhU1]

My socks all match - I go by thickness.

[IB4OU]

I installed a skylight... My upstairs neighbors are furious...

[PhilTLL]

I play the harmonica, but not the normal way. I hold it out the window while I'm driving down the highway.

I put a new engine in my car recently but I didn't take the old one out. Now the harmonica plays really well...

[BigRedJed]

I intend to live forever - so far, so good.

[Pricetag]

24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence? I think not.

[The Maestro]

I once bought some batteries but they weren't included.

I once bought some used paint. It came in the shape of a house.

[the_ouskull]

If your knees bent the other way, what would a chair look like?

The human body is made up of 90% water. That means that, at any given point, we are THIS close to drowning.

I named my dog, "Stay."

the_ouskull

[OUstud]

Went to court for a parking ticket...I pleaded insanity...

[sanantoniosooner]

Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.

99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

[sanantoniosooner]

I was sad because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet.
So I said, "Got any shoes you're not using?"

[whatsername]

My theory of evolution is that Darwin was adopted.

[mikeelikee]

It's a small world....but I wouldn't want to paint it.

[BeetDigger]

I was hungry, it was late at night. I saw a sign at a restaurant "Open 24 hours." As I was walking to the door the manager was locking it. I said "hey, your sign says Open 24 hours." He said "Not in a row."

[KC//CRIMSON]

I once sat down next to a beautiful blond chinese girl on the bus. She told me she was a nymphomaniac, but was only attracted to Jewish cowboys... I said, 'Hi, my name is Bucky Goldstein.'