View Full Version : calling jokes. calling mr. jokes
achiro
9/13/2006, 10:51 AM
I want the funniest ones you got!
Viking Kitten
9/13/2006, 10:56 AM
A chick runs into Radio Shack, shouting, "Where are the batteries, where are the batteries???"
The clerk hooks his index finger, gestures to her to walk toward him and says, "come this way."
The chick replies, "Sir, if I could come that way, I wouldn't need the batteries."
BlondeSoonerGirl
9/13/2006, 10:57 AM
Heh.
achiro
9/13/2006, 10:58 AM
heh...heh
colleyvillesooner
9/13/2006, 11:02 AM
OH my.
dolemitesooner
9/13/2006, 11:20 AM
Thats a good one...Mor please......
BlondeSoonerGirl
9/13/2006, 11:26 AM
A middle aged guy and his teenage daughter were riding a motorcycle and taking a shortcut through a darkened park when they were stopped by a gang of muggers.
They searched them and took the guy’s wallet, his watch and the motorcycle but couldn’t find anything of value on the girl.
When the muggers had gone, the guy asked his daughter; "Did they take your new diamond ring as well, sweetie?"
"No Papa," replied the girl with a grin, "I managed to hide it when they were searching you."
"Hide it? Where?" asked the father," I saw them search you too."
"I slipped it into my... a... my . . .um.... private place." said the girl shyly.
"Dammit!" swore the father, "If only your mother were here, we could have saved my motorcycle!!"
dolemitesooner
9/13/2006, 11:29 AM
A middle aged guy and his teenage daughter were riding a motorcycle and taking a shortcut through a darkened park when they were stopped by a gang of muggers.
They searched them and took the guy’s wallet, his watch and the motorcycle but couldn’t find anything of value on the girl.
When the muggers had gone, the guy asked his daughter; "Did they take your new diamond ring as well, sweetie?"
"No Papa," replied the girl with a grin, "I managed to hide it when they were searching you."
"Hide it? Where?" asked the father," I saw them search you too."
"I slipped it into my... a... my . . .um.... private place." said the girl shyly.
"Dammit!" swore the father, "If only your mother were here, we could have saved my motorcycle!!"
spek!!!!!!!!!
dolemitesooner
9/13/2006, 11:30 AM
You must spread some Reputation around before giving it to BlondeSoonerGirl again.
fadada1
9/13/2006, 11:35 AM
you hear about the plastic surgeon that hung himself??
crawfish
9/13/2006, 11:50 AM
A middle aged guy and his teenage daughter were riding a motorcycle and taking a shortcut through a darkened park when they were stopped by a gang of muggers.
They searched them and took the guy’s wallet, his watch and the motorcycle but couldn’t find anything of value on the girl.
When the muggers had gone, the guy asked his daughter; "Did they take your new diamond ring as well, sweetie?"
"No Papa," replied the girl with a grin, "I managed to hide it when they were searching you."
"Hide it? Where?" asked the father," I saw them search you too."
"I slipped it into my... a... my . . .um.... private place." said the girl shyly.
"Dammit!" swore the father, "If only your mother were here, we could have saved my motorcycle!!"
Last night I told my wife, "Hey! I'd like a little *****!".
She said, "Me, too! Mine is as big as a house!"
I love Predator... :O
Flagstaffsooner
9/13/2006, 12:04 PM
What do Arm & Hammer Baking Soda, Kodak Film and Woody Allen all have in common?
They all come in little yellow boxes.
homerSimpsonsBrain
9/13/2006, 01:13 PM
I got kicked out of the boy scouts for eating brownies
A guy walks into a bar with an alligator under his arm. He props the gator on the barstool and orders a drink. The bartender says, "You can't have an alligator in here." The man tells him how calm and well-trained the gator is. The bartender isn't impressed.
"I'll show you." He puts this hand in the gator's open mouth. The gator doesn't bite him. The bartender says, "I don't care. He's still dangerous." The man says, "To prove my point, I'll stick my d*ck in his mouth." The man does just that, and the gator doesn't bite.
The bartender still isn't convinced, so the man makes a fist and pops the gator on the head as hard as he can, still with the man's d*ck in its mouth. The gator doesn't bite. The man tells the bartender, "Here, you try it." The bartender says, "Okay, just don't hit me on the head quite so hard."
soonerboomer93
9/13/2006, 01:45 PM
I got kicked out of the boy scouts for eating brownies
I always heard it this way.
How does a cub scout become a boy scout?
He eats his first brownie.
OCUDad
9/13/2006, 01:45 PM
Guy asks his wife’s doctor “Doc, what’s wrong with my wife?”
Doctor says “Well, I’ve examined her thoroughly and I’ve narrowed it down to either Alzheimer’s or AIDS.”
Guy says “That’s terrible! How are you going to figure out which it is?”
Doc says “Here’s what you need to do – drive her out into the country a couple of miles and drop her off. If she finds her way back home, don’t screw her.”
:les:I HAVE ACUTE ANGINA!!!
BeetDigger
9/13/2006, 02:24 PM
Hear the one about the dyslexic man who walked into a bra?
BlondeSoonerGirl
9/13/2006, 02:33 PM
:les:I HAVE ACUTE ANGINA!!!
And an ugly toof...
BeetDigger
9/13/2006, 02:36 PM
The guy was with his new girlfriend while buying a Harley. After purchasing the motorcylce, the man and his gf were about to leave. The man asked the salesman how to protect the leather seat from rain. The salesman said that they sell some really good leather protectant but it is expensive. As an inexpensive alternative, vasoline works well. But he was warned to not let the seat get wet, if so, it would ruin it and they cost $500 to replace.
The man and gf were running late for dinner at her parents place and were driving directly there. They passed a store and he ran in and purchased some vasoline. He put it in his front pocket, jumped on and they rode to her parents place.
Before entering, the gf told the man that they have a tradition at her house: first person to talk has to do the dishes. She warned him not to talk. Once inside, he saw stacks and stacks of old dishes lying about everywhere: living room, dining room, kitchen. The family motioned to sit at the table and they commenced eating. The dishes began to weigh on the man's mind. He couldn't think of anything else. But he also could not talk for fear of spending a week there doing dishes.
Finally, the man had enough. He was going to force someone to talk. He made all sorts of jolts and gestures - nothing. He then threw some things - nothing. As a last resort, he grabbed the gf, threw her down and had sex with her - but nothing. So, he grabbed the mother and had sex with her - nothing. The man was raging, he could not believe no one was talking. So he grabbed the sixteen year old little sister and had sex with her - and nothing.
At that moment, he heard a loud crack of thunder outside. He realized that it was about to rain. He then remembered his motorcycle seat and that he had not put any of the vasoline on it. He jumped up, grabbed his pants, threw his hand into the pocket and pulled out the jar of vasoline. At that moment the father, with sweat falling down his forehead shouted "I'll do the dishes!"
And an ugly toof...
It's really more for utilitarian purposes than it is aesthetics.
Skysooner
9/13/2006, 03:00 PM
An old country doctor is getting ready to retired and is cleaning out his office when he finds a couple of very large jars filled with foreskins and formaldehyde (remains of all of the circumcisions he had one over the years). He thought about throwing them away but thought better of it and decided to see if anything could be made out of the foreskins.
He took them to a local leather worker who said, “Come back next week”. The doctor returns the following week, and the leather maker pulls out a billfold. The doctor says, “That is all you could make? There were literally hundreds of foreskins in those jars”. The leather worker says, “Wait. Just rub it a minute, and it turns into a suitcase.”
Skysooner
9/13/2006, 03:01 PM
A Texas A&M Aggie farmer has a son who is about ready to go to college. The son has a 120 EQ, and the A&M entrance requirements says that he can have no more than a 90 IQ. The scientists at A&M have figured out a way to reduce IQ in humans, so they decide to try it on the son. They hook him into the machine, and the IQ starts rolling back 119….118…117 when the machine goes crazy. By the time they figure out to pull out the plug, the son has a -210 IQ and is in a coma. About a week later, he starts to show signs of waking up, and the family gathers around his bed. He wakes up and looks at his family. The first thing he says is, “Hook ‘em Horns”.
Osce0la
9/13/2006, 03:05 PM
A Texas A&M Aggie farmer has a son who is about ready to go to college. The son has a 120 EQ, and the A&M entrance requirements says that he can have no more than a 90 IQ. The scientists at A&M have figured out a way to reduce IQ in humans, so they decide to try it on the son. They hook him into the machine, and the IQ starts rolling back 119….118…117 when the machine goes crazy. By the time they figure out to pull out the plug, the son has a -210 IQ and is in a coma. About a week later, he starts to show signs of waking up, and the family gathers around his bed. He wakes up and looks at his family. The first thing he says is, “Hook ‘em Horns”.
That isn't a joke, his name is Vince Young...
Col. Peters was leading a 3 month exploration in the frontier with his nine soldiers. They had been away from civilization for weeks. Sitting around the campfire one night, all the men were talking about what they would do with all their money they wwould earn from this journey. The men talked about buying farms, new horses, and a night at a whore house.
Col. Peters said he wanted to go to Mistress Lillie's whore house in Deadwood because she has the best looking ladies. He went on and on about Mistress Lillie's and got the other nine soldiers interested.
On the last day of their journey, a group of 100 indians attacked the group. Fending off their attackers for hours, the Indians finally retreated. The only casualty inflicted was the soldiers' dear leader, Col. Peters.
The men got together and discussed the best way to honor their fallen leader was to go to Deadwood and visit Mistress Lillie's since the Col. held it in such high regard.
They arrive into Deadwood, and knock on Mistress Lillie's door. A beautiful prostitute answers the door, the soldiers finally saw why the Col. wanted to come here. Mistress Lillie asked the men, "Well, how many of yall are there?"
One soldier takes off his hat and replies, "There are 9 of us without Peters."
Mistress Lillie looked shocked, "Well grease up your thumbs and come inside."
IB4OU2
9/13/2006, 03:47 PM
Little Thelma comes home from first grade and tells her father
that they learned about the history of Valentine's Day.
And, "Since Valentine's Day is for a Christian saint and we're
Jewish," she asks, "will God get mad at me for giving someone
a valentine?
Thelma's father thinks a bit, then says "No, I don't think God
would get mad. Who do you want to give a valentine to?"
"Osama Bin Laden," she says.
"Why Osama Bin Laden," her father asks in shock?
"Well," she says, "I thought that if a little American Jewish girl could
have enough love to give Osama a valentine, he might
start to think that maybe we're not all bad, and maybe start
loving people a little bit. And if other kids saw what I did and
then they sent valentines to Osama, he'd love everyone a lot.
And then he'd start going all over the place tell everyone how
much he loved them and how he didn't hate anyone anymore."
Her father's heart swells and he looks at his daughter with
newfound pride. "Thelma, that's the most wonderful thing I've
ever heard."
"I know," Thelma says, "and once that gets him out in the open,
the Marines could blow the **** out of him."
BoogercountySooner
9/13/2006, 04:32 PM
An office manager at Wal-Mart was given the task of hiring an individual to fill a job opening. After sorting through a stack of resumes he found four people who were equally qualified. He decided to call the four in and ask them only one question. Their answer would determine which of them would get the job.
The day came and as the four sat around the conference room table the interviewer asked, "What is the fastest thing you know of?"
Acknowledging the first man on his right, the man replied, "A THOUGHT."
It just pops into your head. There's no warning that it's on the way; it's just there. A thought is the fastest thing I know of."
"That's very good!" replied the interviewer.
"And now you sir?" he asked the second man.
"Hmm.... let me see. A blink! It comes and goes and you don't know that it ever happened. A BLINK is the fastest thing I know of."
"Excellent!" said the interviewer. "The blink of an eye, that's a very popular cliché for speed." He then turned to the third man who was contemplating his reply.
"Well, out at my dad's ranch, you step out of the house and on the wall there's a light switch. When you flip that switch,way out across the pasture the light in the barn comes on in less than an instant. Yep, TURNING ON A LIGHT is the fastest thing I can think of."
The interviewer was very impressed with the third answer and thought he had found his man. "It's hard to beat the speed of light," he said. Turning to Bubba, the fourth and final man, the interviewer posed the same question.
Old Bubba replied, "After hearing the three previous answers. It's obvious to me that the fastest thing known is DIARRHEA."
"WHAT!?" said the interviewer, stunned by the response.
"Oh I can explain." said Old Bubba. "You see the other day I wasn't feeling so good, and I ran for the bathroom, but before I could THINK, BLINK, or TURN ON THE LIGHT, I had already pooped my pants."
Old Bubba is now the new greeter at a Wal-Mart near you!!!!
opksooner
9/13/2006, 06:07 PM
Three clerics, a rabbi, a priest, and a minister, walk into a bar.
The bartender asks: "What is this? Some kind of joke?"
Geekboy
9/13/2006, 06:16 PM
This guy walks into his wifes bedroom holding a lamb under his arm.
He says, "This is the pig I have to f**k when you cut me off."
The wife says, "Sorry to hear that."
He says to his wife, "I wasn't talking to you."
Didja hear the one about the dyslexic agnostic insomniac....
who stayed awake all night wondering if there is a dog.
Osce0la
9/13/2006, 08:50 PM
Three clerics, a rabbi, a priest, and a minister, walk into a bar.
The bartender asks: "What is this? Some kind of joke?"
This guy walks into his wifes bedroom holding a lamb under his arm.
He says, "This is the pig I have to f**k when you cut me off."
The wife says, "Sorry to hear that."
He says to his wife, "I wasn't talking to you."
Didja hear the one about the dyslexic agnostic insomniac....
who stayed awake all night wondering if there is a dog.
Thank you for finally posting some shorter jokes :D
All these long jokes were killing me, too much reading hurts my head...;)
OUstud
9/13/2006, 08:50 PM
"I wouldn't ever be able to stab someone. I'm terrible with a Capri-Sun." -Daniel Tosh
OCUDad
9/13/2006, 08:56 PM
I asked my wife to try anal sex. She said "Sure, you first." - Robert Schimmel
This poor young couple just got married, but they didn't have enough money to eat, much less pay the bills. So the Husband tells his bride that she needs to go to the street corner that night and earn some money.
Next morning she comes in. He asked her how it went. She says "great!", and lays $225.25 on the kitchen table.
Astonished, the husband asked who payed only .25 cents?
She replies....
..
"All of them"
sanantoniosooner
9/13/2006, 09:03 PM
A woman took an inexperienced man home one night. When they got to her apartment, she suggested that they try a 69.
"What do you mean?" he asked.
Not knowing quite how to explain, she said "You put your head between my legs and I'll put my head between your legs". Still unsure but willing, he agreed.
As soon as he got his head between her legs, she let out a rip-roaring fart.
"What the heck was that?" he asked.
"Oops! I'm so sorry! Let's try again," she said.
On the second attempt the very same thing happened. The man immediately got up and started getting dressed.
"Where are you going?" she asked, to which he replied...
"If you think I'm sticking around for 67 more of those, you're crazy!"
sanantoniosooner
9/13/2006, 09:06 PM
An old lady goes to the doctor and says, “I have this really bad flatulence problem, but they don't stink and don't make a sound.”
The doctor says “O.K., take two of these pills every day for two weeks and come back.”
A week later the lady comes back really mad and says, “Now, not only do I fart a lot, but they stink really bad!”
The doctor then said, “Now that we have your sinuses cleared, let's work on your hearing!”
whatsername
9/13/2006, 09:41 PM
A guy walks into the local Texas welfare office for his monthly check.
He marches straight up to the counter and says, "Hi. You know, I just HATE
coming in here drawing welfare month after month, since I left New
Orleans.
I'd really much rather have a job".
The Texas social worker behind the counter says, "Your timing is
excellent. We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who
wants a chauffeur-bodyguard for his nymphomaniac daughter. You'll have to
drive around in his Mercedes, but he'll supply all of your clothes.
Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll be expected to
escort her on her overseas holiday trips. You'll have a two-bedroom
apartment above the garage. The starting salary is $200,000 a year"
The guy says, "You're bullsh*tting me!"
The Texas social worker says, "Yeah, well, you started it."
homerSimpsonsBrain
9/13/2006, 10:27 PM
Lawyer tells micky mouse "Sorry Mr Mouse. In this state, insanity is not grounds for divorce". Micky says "You idiot. I didnt say she was crazy. I said she was ****ing goofy!!"
homerSimpsonsBrain
9/13/2006, 10:30 PM
I got into a fight with a longhorn at the bar last night and the prick pulled a razor on me.
It worked out ok cuz he didnt have anywhere to plug it in.
<rimshot>
boomersooner28
9/14/2006, 12:26 AM
My favorite joke to tell:
2 buddies were talking one day when one looked at the other and said "You know what I hate?" I hate it when I get the letters in words mixed up and it comes out wrong. It can get real embarrasing." He went on to say "that just the other day, he was at the airport and the lady behind the counter was blonde and beautiful, she had the biggest nicest boobs he had ever seen, and he meant to ask for 2 tickets to Pittsburgh, but instead it came out " I need two pickets to tittsburgh. I was embarrassed as hell", he exclaimed. His buddy replies "oh yeah, well this morning at breakfast at meant to ask my wife to please pass the post toasties, but instead it cam out B*TCH! YOU HAVE RUINED MY ENTIRE MOTHER ****** LIFE!
:pop:
olevetonahill
9/14/2006, 12:28 AM
Came home from work
sat down in front of the Tv grabbed the remote .
Yelled at my ex Quick bring me a beer befor it starts !
she said nothing just brot me a beer and I drank it
I yelled Quick bring me another befor it starts , she did . I drank it .
I yelled Quick bring me another befor it starts . She said Goddamm it befor WHAT starts ?
I said Oh shat its started :P
AlbqSooner
9/14/2006, 07:10 AM
A teacher is explaining biology to her 4th grade students.
"Human beings are the only animals that stutter", she says.
A little girl raises her hand. "I had a kitty-cat who stuttered", she
volunteered.
The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories could become,
asked the girl to describe the incident.
"Well", she began, "I was in the back yard with my kitty and the
rottweiler who lives next door got a running start and before we knew it, he
jumped over the fence into our yard!"
"That must've been scary", said the teacher.
"It sure was", said the little girl. "My kitty went 'Fffff, Fffff,
Fffff'...
and before he could say "F***," the rottweiler ate him!"
BeetDigger
9/14/2006, 09:25 AM
This poor young couple just got married, but they didn't have enough money to eat, much less pay the bills. So the Husband tells his bride that she needs to go to the street corner that night and earn some money.
Next morning she comes in. He asked her how it went. She says "great!", and lays $225.25 on the kitchen table.
Astonished, the husband asked who payed only .25 cents?
She replies....
..
"All of them"
Then there is the one about the guy who came into work one day with a black eye. His co-workers asked what happened.
"Well, last night I told my wife that she was nothing but a two-bit whore."
"Yeah, so why do you have the black eye?"
"She hit me over the head with a bag of quarters."
boomersooner28
9/14/2006, 10:06 AM
A teacher is explaining biology to her 4th grade students.
"Human beings are the only animals that stutter", she says.
A little girl raises her hand. "I had a kitty-cat who stuttered", she
volunteered.
The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories could become,
asked the girl to describe the incident.
"Well", she began, "I was in the back yard with my kitty and the
rottweiler who lives next door got a running start and before we knew it, he
jumped over the fence into our yard!"
"That must've been scary", said the teacher.
"It sure was", said the little girl. "My kitty went 'Fffff, Fffff,
Fffff'...
and before he could say "F***," the rottweiler ate him!"
LMAO! :D
One day a teacher had a taste test with her students. She picked a little boy to do the first test. She blindfolded him, put a Hershey kiss in his mouth and asked, "Do you know what it is?"
No, I don't," said the little boy.
Okay, I'll give you a clue. It's the thing your daddy wants from your Mom before he goes to work."
Suddenly, a little girl at the back of the room, yelled... "Spit it out! It's a piece of a$$!"
Bob calls his buddy Sam, the horse rancher, and says he's sending a friend over to look at a horse.
Sam asks "How will I recognize him?"
That's easy, he's a midget with a speech impediment."
So, the midget shows up, and Sam asks him if he's looking for a male or female horse.
"A female horth."
So he shows him a prized filly.
"Nith lookin horth. Can I thee her eyeth"?
Sam picks up the midget and he gives the horse's eyes the once over.
"Nith eyeth, can I thee her earzth"? So he picks the little fella up again, and shows him the horse's ears.
"Nith earzth, can I see her mouf"?
The rancher is gettin' pretty ticked off by this point, but he picks him up again and shows him the horse's mouth.
"Nice mouf, can I see her twat"?
Totally mad at this point, the rancher grabs him under his arms and rams the midget's head as far as he can up the horse's twat, pulls him out and slams him on the ground.
The midget gets up, sputtering and coughing. "Perhapth I should rephrazthe that; Can I thee her wun awound a widdlebit.
Why does the bride wear white?
So the dishwasher matches the fridge.
If your woman is yelling at the front door and the dog is barking at the back door, who do you let in?
The dog, because at least he'll shut up once you let him in.
John works hard and spends two nights each week bowling and plays golf
every Saturday.
His wife thinks he's pushing himself too hard, so for his birthday she
blindfolds him and takes him to a local strip club.
The doorman at the club greets them and says, "Hey, John! How ya
doin?"
Once inside his wife removes the blindfold but she's puzzled and asks if
he's been to this club before.
"Oh no," says John. "He's on my bowling team."
When they are seated, a waitress asks John if he'd like his usual and
brings over a Budweiser. His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable
and says, "How did she know that you drink Budweiser?"
"I recognize her; she's the waitress from the golf club. I always have a
Bud at the end of the first nine, honey.
A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around John,
starts to rub herself all over him and says, "Hi Johnny. Want your usual
table dance, big boy?"
John's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club.
John follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she can slam the
door, he jumps in beside her.
John tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken
him for someone else, but his wife is having none of it. She is
screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every four letter
word in the book.
The cabby turns around and says, "Geez John, you sure picked up a real
bitch this time."
Tom had been in the liquor business for 25 years. Finally sick of the stress he quits his job and buys 50 acres of land in Alaska as far from humanity as possible. He sees the postman once a week and gets groceries once a month. Otherwise it's total peace and quiet.
After six months or so of almost total isolation, someone knocks on his door. He opens it and sees a huge, bearded man standing there. "Name's Lars, your neighbor from forty miles up the road. Having a Christmas party Friday night...Thought you might like to come. About 5:00 PM."
"Great", says Tom, "after six months out here I'm ready to meet some local folks. Thank You."
As Lars is leaving, he stops. "Gotta warn you...There's gonna be some drinkin'."
"Not a problem" says Tom. "After 25 years in the business, I can drink with the best of 'em."
Again, the big man starts to leave and stops. "More 'n' likely gonna be some fightin'."
"Well, I get along with people, I'll be all right. I'll be there. Thanks again."
"More'n likely be some wild sex, too." "Now that's really not a problem" says Tom, warming to the idea. "I've been all alone for six months! I'll definitely be there. By the way, what should I wear?"
"Whatever you want. Just gonna be the two of us."
Powered by vBulletin® Version 4.2.1 Copyright © 2024 vBulletin Solutions, Inc. All rights reserved.