Joke of the Day

[Chuck Bao]

I have a good one.

A headhunter called me today. :D

No, wait, it gets funnier.

He wants me to consider a position as head of research for the leading broker in Saudi Arabia.

Men in dresses!

I told my office colleague and he encouraged me to try for the position. He also said that he would be watching the news wires every day for news of my first public flogging. Evil ****ing bastard!

So, I do a little research and a little public flogging is probably the best case scenario.

The headhunter said that it would be considered a hardship posting (damn right!) and that the pay package would be immense. Okay, define immense? He wouldn’t and I’m thinking about a free trip to Riyadh to find out.

Pffft. Not really. :D

Share your joke of the day.

[rebmus]

I went to a christmas party last thursday and spotted an attractive woman standing alone. I approached her and asked her name. "My name is Carmen," she told me. "That's a beautiful name," I said. "Is it a family name?" "No," she replied. "I gave it to myself. It reflects the things I like most in life- cars and men. What's your name?" she asked.

Without hesitation, I said

"Beerphuck"

[olevetonahill]

Chuck I missed your joke
But Rebs was funny as hell :D

[rebmus]

One Saturday afternoon, I was sitting in my lawn chair, drinking beer and watching my wife mow the lawn.
The neighbor lady from across the street was so outraged at this that she came over and shouted at me, "You should be hung."

I calmly replied, "I am. That's why she cuts the grass."

[rebmus]

Two lawyers had been marooned on a desert island for almost a year after their ship had sunk during a terrible storm. One day while walking along the beach, the two lawyers find a beautiful unconscious woman washed up on the shore. The first lawyer asks the second lawyer, "Think we should screw her?", and the second lawyer replies,
"Outta what?".

[olevetonahill]

One Saturday afternoon, I was sitting in my lawn chair, drinking beer and watching my wife mow the lawn.
The neighbor lady from across the street was so outraged at this that she came over and shouted at me, "You should be hung."

I calmly replied, "I am. That's why she cuts the grass."
:D :D :D :D
True story in the early 70 1st ex wanted a lawnmower .
I bot her 1 brot it home said Honey heres that mower you wanted .
Now at this Time I was getting the lawn mowed for like 10 bucks fornt and B yard .
She says very sweetly Ok ILL mow the front YOU mow the Back :eek:
14000 of those old Beyounces would have been screaming at me .
I loaded the dam thing back in my truck and went and traded it for a camera ;)

[rebmus]

Two men are playing golf when a funeral procession passes by on the road next to the course. One guy stops what he is doing, removes his hat and bows his head patiently while the procession passes by. His friend remarks "that's awful respectful of you, I'm impressed."
He replies "it's the least I could do. After all, we were married for over 40 years."

[rebmus]

one of my faves... :

A BEER BEFORE IT STARTS

A man came home from work, sat down in his favorite chair, turned on
the TV, and said to his wife, "Quick, bring me a beer before it
starts"

She looked a little puzzled, but brought him a beer. When he
Finished it, he said, "Quick, bring me another beer. It's gonna start."

This time she looked a little angry, but brought him a beer. When it
was gone, he said, "Quick, another beer before it starts."

"That's! it!" She blows her top, "You bastard! You waltz in here,
flop your fat *** down, don't even say hello to me and then expect
me to run around like your slave. Don't you realize that I cook and
clean and wash and iron all day long?"

The husband sighed. "Oh sh!t, it's started."

[bigdsooner]

I went to a christmas party last thursday and spotted an attractive woman standing alone. I approached her and asked her name. "My name is Carmen," she told me. "That's a beautiful name," I said. "Is it a family name?" "No," she replied. "I gave it to myself. It reflects the things I like most in life- cars and men. What's your name?" she asked.

Without hesitation, I said

"Beerphuck"


thats awesome :D

[Chuck Bao]

Chuck I missed your joke
But Rebs was funny as hell :D

Me in Saudi Arabia WAS THE JOKE.

Really!

Remember last week and my muther focking muslims on a plane?

Okay, Rebs was better.

Did anyone catch that newsy thing about the gay wedding party in Saudi? They apparently arrested the feminine dudies and they're gonna like behead them or flog them or something. The male acting like dudies are like free to go.

I mean that's like a joke of the day, like they did drugs but they swear they didn't inhale?

[Paperclip]

:D :D :D :D
True story in the early 70 1st ex wanted a lawnmower .
I bot her 1 brot it home said Honey heres that mower you wanted .
Now at this Time I was getting the lawn mowed for like 10 bucks fornt and B yard .
She says very sweetly Ok ILL mow the front YOU mow the Back :eek:
14000 of those old Beyounces would have been screaming at me .
I loaded the dam thing back in my truck and went and traded it for a camera ;)

Had a couple of drinks tonight, have we?

[rebmus]

I'm in love with my horse," the nervous man told his psychiatrist.
"Nothing to worry about," the psychiatrist consoled. "Many people are fond of animals. As a matter of fact, my wife and I have a dog that we are very attached to."

"But, doctor," continued the troubled patient, "I feel ummm,... *sexually* attracted to my horse!"

"Hmmm," the doctor asked, "Is it male or female?"

"Female, of course!" the man replied. "What do you think I am...GAY?"

[rebmus]

A man and his wife were getting a divorce at a local court, but the custody of their children posed a problem. The mother jumped to her feet and protested to the judge that since she had brought the children into this world, she should retain custody of them.
The man also wanted custody of his children.

The judge asked for his side of the story, too.

After a long moment of silence, the man rose from the chair and replied:

"Judge, when I put a dollar into a vending machine, and a Pepsi comes out, does the Pepsi belong to me or to the machine?"

[rebmus]

"Guess what I heard in the bar today?" a man asks his wife upon returning home.
"They think the milkman has slept with every woman on our block except one."

His wife replies, "I'll bet it's that bitch Phyllis from across the street."

[rebmus]

An Asian woman was trying to exchange yen for dollars
and asked the teller,

"Why it change?

Yestooday I get two hunat dollah fo yen -

today I get a hunat eighty?"

The teller says, "Fluctuations."

The Asian woman says, "Fluc you white guys too!"

[soonerbrat]

:D :D :D :D
True story in the early 70 1st ex wanted a lawnmower .
I bot her 1 brot it home said Honey heres that mower you wanted .
Now at this Time I was getting the lawn mowed for like 10 bucks fornt and B yard .
She says very sweetly Ok ILL mow the front YOU mow the Back :eek:
14000 of those old Beyounces would have been screaming at me .
I loaded the dam thing back in my truck and went and traded it for a camera ;)


i don't get it.

[rebmus]

This married couple were sitting in a fine restaurant when the wife looks over at a nearby table and sees a man in a drunken stupor. The husband asks "I notice you've been watching that man for some time now. Do you know him?"
"Yes" she replies, "He's my ex-husband, and he has been drinking like that since I left him seven years ago."

"That's remarkable" the husband replies, "I wouldn't think anybody could celebrate that long"

[rebmus]

Harvey and Gladys are getting ready for bed. Gladys is standing in front of her full-length mirror, taking a long, hard look at herself.

"You know, Harvey, "she comments. "I stare into this mirror and I see an ancient creature. My face is all wrinkled, my boobs sag so much that they dangle to my waist, my arms and legs are as flabby as popped balloons, and...my butt looks like a sad, deflated version of the Hindenburg!"

She turns to face her husband and says, "Dear, please tell me just one positive thing about my body so I can feel better about myself."

Harvey studies Gladys critically for a moment and then says in a soft, thoughtful voice, "Well, your eyesight is perfect!"

[rebmus]

how can you tell if a girl is a true redneck?
when she can "go down" and chew tobacco at the same time... and know what to spit and what to swallow.

[WILBURJIM]

Good ones, rebmus.
One of my all time fav's:

Talking Italian

A bus stops and two Italian men get on. They seat themselves, and engage in animated conversation. The lady sitting behind them ignores their conversation at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of the men saying the following:

"Emma come first. Denna I come. Two asses, they comma together. I comma again. Two asses, they comma together again. I comma once again and pee twice. Denna I comma once-a more."

"You foul-mouthed swine," retorted the lady indignantly. "In this country we don't talk about our sex lives in public!"

"Hey, coola downa lady," said the man. "Imma just tellun my friena here howa to spella Mississippi!"

[OCUDad]

Guy is sitting in a bar, nursing a whiskey, when in walks a pirate. The whole deal - eyepatch, peg-leg, hook for a right hand, parrot on his shoulder...

"Wow," says the guy. "You a real pirate?" Pirate replies "Arr, I be a true pirate ever since I were 12."

Guy says "Sounds interesting. Mind if I ask a personal question? How did you lose your leg?" Pirate says "I were swept overboard during a nor'easter off the coast of Maine. A shark took me leg before they could rescue me."

"Dangerous occupation!" says the guy. "So how did you lose your hand?" Pirate brags, "Swordfight with a British frigate on the Spanish Main. Brit bastard sliced me hand off before I run him through."

"My word, you lead a dangerous life," says the guy. "So how did you lose your eye?" "Arr, that..." replies the pirate. "That were a bird dropping."

"A bird dropping? You lose your leg to a shark, your hand to a British soldier, but you lost your eye because of a bird dropping?"

"Well," says the pirate, "it were me first day with the hook."

<rim shot>

[SanJoaquinSooner]

"Guess what I heard in the bar today?" a man asks his wife upon returning home.
"They think the milkman has slept with every woman on our block except one."

His wife replies, "I'll bet it's that bitch Phyllis from across the street."

http://homepages.tig.com.au/~copko/MilkMurder.jpg

[StoopTroup]

Hey Chuck....

How much Johnnie Walker does Saudi Arabia import annually?

Also....name 10 places you can buy it in Saudi Arabia?

There's your joke.

YWIA

ST :D