TexasLidig8r
7/25/2006, 09:28 AM
Greatness!
U.S. cyclist serves up French toast
Tuesday, July 25, 2006
You want to know how sorry the French are?
Let's paint a picture for you. We send a guy with one testicle over there to ride a bike, and he kicks French behinds for seven years in a row.
Then we send a guy with a bad hip over there to take the place of the guy who is missing a testicle, and he kicks French butts again.
Just think how bad it would be on the French if we sent a whole guy over there to pedal. Heck, you could probably enter an American with no legs on a pencil cart and win the thing.
With that in mind, it's obviously high time we moved the Tour de France to the U.S., to some place like, say, here.
I say this because the French have been skunked again by an American in their own sport, bicycling. And this time they won't be able to go around whining about alleged drug use by the winner like they did with Lance Armstrong.
See, Floyd Landis, who won the tour Sunday, was raised in straight-laced Mennonite country in Lancaster County, Pa. So the French will be lucky if they can find an Advil on this guy.
Put that on the front page of Le Monde and smoke it, Frenchy. I see London, I see France, I see some loser's bicycle pants.
This is the eighth year in a row that the Tour de France has been won by an American. This may drive the French so crazy that they'll break down and take a shower.
The top French finisher, Cyril Dessel, came in seventh. The French haven't won their own Tour since 1985, when Bernard Hinault came in first. That was so long ago that George W. Bush was still drinking.
This constant thumping has got to be disheartening to the French. Imagine the Daytona 500 being won by a guy in a beret driving a Peugeot.
The French must be getting tired of getting clobbered in their own game — especially by a guy who's going in for hip replacement surgery this fall. Maybe, to be fair, the French riders should be allowed to use tiny little motors on their bicycles.
The only reason they have this race in France anyway is that it's a good way to get the French to come out of their houses and watch the bicycles go by on the street. Otherwise they just sit in the house all day with their shades drawn, drinking wine. So to the French, the Tour de France is an alcohol abuse treatment program.
Not since the Germans came through in their tanks have the French had a reason to step outside and watch the parade go by.
You know, I'll betcha I could go over to the Wheatsville Co-op on Guadalupe Street and find a half dozen bicyclists hanging out in the parking lot who could kick everybody in France's rear end in a bike ride.
I'm starting to feel sorry for the French. Here's a civilization that couldn't even name its own potatoes. We had to tell them they had French fries or they wouldn't even have known what to call them. And now they can't win their own bicycle race?
Let's take it from them and move it here before they embarrass themselves again.
John Kelso's column appears on Sundays, Tuesdays and Fridays. Contact him at 445-3606 or [email protected].
U.S. cyclist serves up French toast
Tuesday, July 25, 2006
You want to know how sorry the French are?
Let's paint a picture for you. We send a guy with one testicle over there to ride a bike, and he kicks French behinds for seven years in a row.
Then we send a guy with a bad hip over there to take the place of the guy who is missing a testicle, and he kicks French butts again.
Just think how bad it would be on the French if we sent a whole guy over there to pedal. Heck, you could probably enter an American with no legs on a pencil cart and win the thing.
With that in mind, it's obviously high time we moved the Tour de France to the U.S., to some place like, say, here.
I say this because the French have been skunked again by an American in their own sport, bicycling. And this time they won't be able to go around whining about alleged drug use by the winner like they did with Lance Armstrong.
See, Floyd Landis, who won the tour Sunday, was raised in straight-laced Mennonite country in Lancaster County, Pa. So the French will be lucky if they can find an Advil on this guy.
Put that on the front page of Le Monde and smoke it, Frenchy. I see London, I see France, I see some loser's bicycle pants.
This is the eighth year in a row that the Tour de France has been won by an American. This may drive the French so crazy that they'll break down and take a shower.
The top French finisher, Cyril Dessel, came in seventh. The French haven't won their own Tour since 1985, when Bernard Hinault came in first. That was so long ago that George W. Bush was still drinking.
This constant thumping has got to be disheartening to the French. Imagine the Daytona 500 being won by a guy in a beret driving a Peugeot.
The French must be getting tired of getting clobbered in their own game — especially by a guy who's going in for hip replacement surgery this fall. Maybe, to be fair, the French riders should be allowed to use tiny little motors on their bicycles.
The only reason they have this race in France anyway is that it's a good way to get the French to come out of their houses and watch the bicycles go by on the street. Otherwise they just sit in the house all day with their shades drawn, drinking wine. So to the French, the Tour de France is an alcohol abuse treatment program.
Not since the Germans came through in their tanks have the French had a reason to step outside and watch the parade go by.
You know, I'll betcha I could go over to the Wheatsville Co-op on Guadalupe Street and find a half dozen bicyclists hanging out in the parking lot who could kick everybody in France's rear end in a bike ride.
I'm starting to feel sorry for the French. Here's a civilization that couldn't even name its own potatoes. We had to tell them they had French fries or they wouldn't even have known what to call them. And now they can't win their own bicycle race?
Let's take it from them and move it here before they embarrass themselves again.
John Kelso's column appears on Sundays, Tuesdays and Fridays. Contact him at 445-3606 or [email protected].