David Earl
7/10/2006, 09:17 AM
The war is ON, you people!
I figure you folks need an update on my widowed mother. You all know she's getting old and frail. The poor soul has arthritis trouble. She struggles to get around with a cane, but that has not stopped her from gardening. Like many of her generation, she is a master gardener. She’s oft rejoiced in the delicious fruits of her agricultural labors, and often shared. But she doesn’t like sharing with gophers.
In spite of age, arthritis and a bad heart, she thinks naught of venturing out into the heat, sheltered by a cotton bonnet and bolstered by an iron spirit. She loves it! This year her gardening endeavors have met with frustration. Gophers! I know some of you people are thinking of that Bill Murray movie.
I spoke with Mom this morning, as I do every day. During the growing season she often regales me with stories of gardening perils and the cunning devices with which she overcomes them. Today I received an update on her ongoing war with the gophers. They have been particularly bad this season.
“They’ve eaten all my sunflowers. I stood there and watched as they pulled one of my black-eyed pea plants underground. Son, they’re even eating the Bermuda grass!” She is mad! My mom does not cuss; and she’ll be more than happy to cut a switch and beat you till you see the white lights of Glory Land if you don’t clean up your potty mouth. So when she talks of the evil ones (that’s the gophers, you people) she speaks with a vulgar-less venom. She deprecates the little tunnel rats without offending the Lord.
And she’s killing as many as she can. She’s found some new weapon at the local hardware store that fumigates the gophers. Mom’s not much on polluting the environment, but she’s pulling out all stops. What I’m trying to tell you is she’s on those gophers like Saddam Hussein on a Kurdish rebel. And I just want to publicly give it up to Mom. I’m sure she’ll be reaching for the camouflage paint and combat paraphernalia soon.
If you fell inclined to pray for Mom, that’s mighty nice of you. But some might think it more appropriate to whisper a prayer for them gophers.
I figure you folks need an update on my widowed mother. You all know she's getting old and frail. The poor soul has arthritis trouble. She struggles to get around with a cane, but that has not stopped her from gardening. Like many of her generation, she is a master gardener. She’s oft rejoiced in the delicious fruits of her agricultural labors, and often shared. But she doesn’t like sharing with gophers.
In spite of age, arthritis and a bad heart, she thinks naught of venturing out into the heat, sheltered by a cotton bonnet and bolstered by an iron spirit. She loves it! This year her gardening endeavors have met with frustration. Gophers! I know some of you people are thinking of that Bill Murray movie.
I spoke with Mom this morning, as I do every day. During the growing season she often regales me with stories of gardening perils and the cunning devices with which she overcomes them. Today I received an update on her ongoing war with the gophers. They have been particularly bad this season.
“They’ve eaten all my sunflowers. I stood there and watched as they pulled one of my black-eyed pea plants underground. Son, they’re even eating the Bermuda grass!” She is mad! My mom does not cuss; and she’ll be more than happy to cut a switch and beat you till you see the white lights of Glory Land if you don’t clean up your potty mouth. So when she talks of the evil ones (that’s the gophers, you people) she speaks with a vulgar-less venom. She deprecates the little tunnel rats without offending the Lord.
And she’s killing as many as she can. She’s found some new weapon at the local hardware store that fumigates the gophers. Mom’s not much on polluting the environment, but she’s pulling out all stops. What I’m trying to tell you is she’s on those gophers like Saddam Hussein on a Kurdish rebel. And I just want to publicly give it up to Mom. I’m sure she’ll be reaching for the camouflage paint and combat paraphernalia soon.
If you fell inclined to pray for Mom, that’s mighty nice of you. But some might think it more appropriate to whisper a prayer for them gophers.