What would you do?

[Big Red Ron]

If your ex, whom you share joint custody with but do not have equal visitation, constantly undermined your thoughts and ideas regarding raising your child. You know, little things like, that music is bad because it sends bad messages or college isn't for everyone and sports are optional?

1) Full custody battle
2) Continue to argue through the child
3) Keep talking to the brick wall that is your ex
4) See if the court will appoint a third party arbitrator (with final say on specific issues of contention)
5) Just quit

[olevetonahill]

How old is the child ?

[Big Red Ron]

Ten

[olevetonahill]

I take your the non custodial parent . Is this a boy ?

[Big Red Ron]

I take your the non custodial parent . Is this a boy ?Actually, I have "joint custody" but she lives with her mother, while I get vistation for logistical purposes.

[BajaOklahoma]

Do you go to the school parent-teacher conferences?
Is your ex working?
How would your daughter get to the music lessons or practices?
Are you paying for them?

[Big Red Ron]

Do you go to the school parent-teacher conferences?
Is your ex working?
How would your daughter get to the music lessons or practices?
Are you paying for them?I go to every school funtion and coach her YMCA teams

No

I or my family can and will take her anywhere anytime

I pay for everything

[bigdsooner]

what does your daughter think, is she wanting to quit her activities because of her moms influence?

[oumartin]

shoot the mom!

[bigdsooner]

shoot the mom!

:D

dayum martin

[oumartin]

sorry, kinda touchy subject. i'm sorry

[soonerhubs]

There's a book called How to Raise an Emotionally Intelligent Child which I'd recommend to all parents, but it has a section that talks about raising children while divorced.

All research I've seen on this suggests sitting down with the Ex and finding as much common ground as possible and try your best to compromise.

I understand that this may not be possible, but if it is, that would help. Because although you are divorced you still have to work as a team with this child, which I'm sure you probably already know.

I would honestly look for a Family Therapist to discuss your predicament. They have more wisdom and experience than I, and that's an understatement.

[Big Red Ron]

what does your daughter think, is she wanting to quit her activities because of her moms influence?Yes, but she gets very defensive when I ask things like how she came to that conclusion or where'd you hear that. The one I really got ****ed about was that college wasn't for everyone. Also, my daughter and I have played Basketball together since she was one and my ex's new husban (whom they forced to call 'Daddy') is a soccer guy and now she wants to play soccer and not basketball. I've even said great play both, since they are different seasons but no. BBall is bad and soccer is good.

[Big Red Ron]

There's a book called How to Raise an Emotionally Intelligent Child which I'd recommend to all parents, but it has a section that talks about raising children while divorced.

All research I've seen on this suggests sitting down with the Ex and finding as much common ground as possible and try your best to compromise.

I understand that this may not be possible, but if it is, that would help. Because although you are divorced you still have to work as a team with this child, which I'm sure you probably already know.

I would honestly look for a Family Therapist to discuss your predicament. They have more wisdom and experience than I, and that's an understatement.I've tried but "paid counselors" are bad and she will only see someone related to her church. I'm in such a horrible situation that I'm asking you people for advice. ;) If I didn't try to laugh, I'd cry, sorry.

[tulsaoilerfan]

shoot the mom!
But make it look like an accident

[oumartin]

actually i am very sorry you are in that position BRR. good luck to you and i wish i knew what to say to help ya...

[olevetonahill]

Man . all you can do is just try to be a positive influence on her
I got full custody of my Boys in 86 . So I didnt have that prob with them . My little girl was a different story . ex had custody of her . she got married at 18 :eek: Divorced at 21 , but I do have a Cool grandson :)
Are you sayin tho that she wont even play BB with you ?
Good luck My heart goes out to you on this

[olevetonahill]

But make it look like an accident
I aint saying nuthin

[bigdsooner]

okay, it sounds like this ***ch just wants to hurt you. sorry, but the whole stepdad (daddy) thing is BS, plus the other things. it sounds like you have a really good relationship with your daughter so use that and just keep encouraging her for college and sports. if she has any cousins or family friends (on your side) that play bball, get them together as much as possible to play bball...kinda undermind the ***ch in a back alley sorta way. i hope this isnt crap help, but it sounds like you're in a really shiddy situation and thats all i can think of. are you planning on sending her to any bball camps?

[noleamite]

tough situation indeed.

[Okla-homey]

Whatever you do (and I bet you already know this) do not use your daughter as a weapon and do not talk down her mother in the girl's presence.

IMHO, taking the moral high ground is generally the best way. Your daughter will love you more for it and that way you'll be better able to be a positive influence in her life.

Speaking strictly as a child of divorced parents who adjusted pretty well... mainly b/c my mom who suffered terribly in their marriage to this very day won't pillory the old man around us...and I'm 46.

Now, that said, if you see evidence your daughter is suffering abuse or neglect in her mom's home, that's different and I'd call my lawyer pronto.

[BajaOklahoma]

Good. (reply to BRR)
Then you and the ex need to sit down and come to some basic agreements on how to raise YOUR DAUGHTER. That is what this is about, not you or your ex.

My parents did great thing for my brother and me after their divorce. They never said a negative thing about the other parent to my brother or to me. And trust me, we soon found out what the real deal was on my parents.

Music - are you talking lessons or just listening? I have to admit that there is a lot of music out there that is not appropriate for 10 year old kids. And I really think that some of our parents have over estimated what their child can handle or just don't listen to it in the beginning. Focus on what is acceptable - classical, rock, etc.
Sports - what kind of sports? Rec or competitve? What does your daughter like? Focus on the health benefits and lifetime sports when you mention it to your wife. Golf, swimming, gymnastics, dance - would they be more acceptable to your wife? Is she afraid of raising a tomboy?

[walkoffsooner]

Only option convince girl mother is crazy.Other than that make the best out of it love your girl and move on.

[AlbqSooner]

Take your daughter to see Sherri Coale speak sometime. Then take her to an OU womens BB game. Then support whatever she ends up doing as long as it isn't something detrimental.

[walkoffsooner]

Sherri coale! I wanna go.:D

[BajaOklahoma]

And since so much was posted between when I started my novel and now.....

Kids lose interest in some things around age 10. My boys dropped BB and baseball to play hockey. The daughter chose to play competitve soccer and drop softball. My husband had been the coach for baesball, too. And sometimes, the peer pressure or interests influence what the kids decide to do. And she may feel pressure (whether real or what she perceives) to do things with her step-father. Let it be her choice and leave the option to go back to basketball, if she misses it. And find something else to do with her on a regular basis.
The pre-teen and teen years were tough to keep up a good relationship with my dad. he became a guest, a visitor. Explain to your ex that you want to be there and have interests in common before that time.

Good luck. I am so pleased that you are there for her so much!

[GottaHavePride]

One thing to remember is at least your daughter is active in some kind of sport. Heck, girls' soccer has plenty of good role models to choose from, find her some game footage of Mia Hamm or something - she still holds the record fo most goals scored in international play, male OR female.

[Scott D]

part of me says you are ****ed no matter what because you are in Oklahoma. You're probably best going through the arbitration process. Full custody for you won't happen unless you can prove beyond a shadow of a doubt that your ex-wife is unfit to raise your kid.

g'luck in your battle man, you like my brother will need it.

[sooner n houston]

I've tried but "paid counselors" are bad and she will only see someone related to her church. I'm in such a horrible situation that I'm asking you people for advice. ;) If I didn't try to laugh, I'd cry, sorry.

Try the church counsler. This may not be as bad an option as you think, you might be suprised. Even if you don't agree with her choice of churches, you may find that the church counselor is very fair and has your daughters best intrest at heart. If not you can always quit and tell the ex it just isn't working out for you. Good luck.

[colleyvillesooner]

...find her some game footage of Mia Hamm or something - she still holds the record fo most goals scored in international play, male OR female.

Yeah, cause she was playing against girls. ;)

[Hamhock]

Why would your wife not want your 10 year-old to listen to music? Any idea what music, specifically, she objects to?

[LilSooner]

Ok I am going to tell you what I think you should do to support you daughter through this. I went through this when I was younger and by the time I was 21 my mom had put me through 5 divorces.

I know the mom is a ****tard, but do not let your daughter know that you think this about her mom. She is in a tough situation. Not only does she not have her real daddy around as much as she would like. Her mom decided to get married again, I guarantee that it wasn't her idea to call the new husband "daddy". Your daughter is in a survial mode. She is trying to do everything to keep things as normal as possible. She has to live with her mother so its easier just to go with what they say than to stand up for what she really wants to do.

Just give it some time she can ask to live with you at the age of 12 if she wants. Just stay calm keep her out of it and do NOT let her know who you fell about her stupid *** mom.

[MamaMia]

To start thungs out, I would ask for more visitation. Depending on her response, I would go to Plan B.

[Partial Qualifier]

Get your daughter into golf. Buy her some clubs & lessons, let her drive the cart, your ex. can't afford golf = more time with you, etc. etc.

:)

[soonerbrat]

if she prefers soccer, encourage the soccer. it's better than not playing sports at all. plus it's year round and will keep her in great shape.