Parents, I'd like your opinions, please.

[Melo]

This is probably going to be a longer eplanation:

I have this friend, Pete. He was my second, and last, boyfriend that I had, back in Sophomore year of High school. We were friends before we had got together, the relationship didnt last long at all, and we stayed friends afterward. Not just friends, he was one of my best friends. Still is.

He was also a drummer, and my dad hates him. I went to go hang out with Pete last night, and on my way out of the door, my dad says to me 'Dont come home drunk.' Automatically assuming that whatever I was doing with him, it would involved alcohol. A while before that, I had told my mom I would be hanging out with pete that night, and she goes into a lecture on drugs. I told her 'Mom, Pete doesnt do drugs, and even if he did, he respects me enough not to pressure me into doing anything with him.' I then asked her where she picked up the idea that he did drugs, and she says 'Your father.'

So dad has this horrible impression of him, that hes wild, drinks, does drugs, and doesnt do much else, when in reality, he hardly drinks (I cant say he doesnt, because hes a college kid and everything), he doesnt do drugs at all, he goes to school and does really well. He has a job where hes making enogh money to pay for his schooling, and he spends his free time playing with his band and going to shows.

As parents, and older people who know more about people and the world, should I brush off my fathers negative impressions, since their wrong, and just keep being his friend, or is there something else I should be doing? On one hand I dont want my dad thinking I am out doing all this crazy stuff with him, but on the flip side, I trust my friend, and dont want to drop him just because my dad has the wrong impression.

This has really been bothering me, and Id like your serious opinions.

[usmc-sooner]

never ever brush off you father

he loves you and no boy is ever going to be good enough for you in his eyes.

thank God my girls aren't old enough to date, but I dread the day.

[Melo]

never ever brush off you father

he loves you and no boy is ever going to be good enough for you in his eyes.

thank God my girls aren't old enough to date, but I dread the day.

But thats the thing. I'm not dating him. I'm not even alone with him when we hang out. I just dont understand that part of it.

I DO, however, understand he rest of it, and I hadnt thought about it. Thank you.

[Beano's Fourth Chin]

Who has your best interests at heart? Your parents or Pete?

You're, what? 18 now? In college? If you want them to take you seriously and treat you like an adult, talk to them like an adult. This doesn't mean whining or getting defensive. Find out where this impression comes from and be willing to see their side. When you become an adult, the responsibility to work on your relationship with your parents becomes as much yours as it is theirs.

Don't take this the wrong way, but you come across here as somewhat immature and naive for your age. If that really is the case, and not just how you come across here, your dad may see something in Pete that you don't see. Listen to what he has to say.

Think things through before you decide to draw a line in a sand with your parents at 18 years old over Pete.

[Melo]

I know my parents have my best interests at heart. I have never doubted that. I also know that if it was a huge deal, I WOULD talk to them. It just hasnt turned into a huge deal.

I'm 18, yes I can be immature. Thats part of growing up, and I havent gotten there yet. I'll admit it.

The point of my post wasnt so much to ask if I should draw a line, but more of what should I do before my parents draw a line with me. Its all up in the air. And as parents, I thought most of the people on here would be able to tell me if it was even worth talking to them about it, or just letting it go as something my dad hates and deal with it.

[IB4OU2]

Melo, Iv'e got two daughters both in college. Each one of them have had friends that were questionable to me. I never requested that they not hangout with these friends but they know from their upbringing what we expect of them which includes no drinking or drugs. Iv'e asked on occasion they bring these friends home for dinner, barbeque, cards or whatever and they have. It turns out these kids were pretty cool and helped me feel comfortable with their choices of friends. Parents are always going to worry about their kids and some will be more strict and vocal than others. It's just that parents love their children so much sometimes we only fear the worst. Fortunately both my girls have made great decisions and have matured enough (one is 22 and the other is 26) to keep school and their future as thier highest priority and both are less than a year away from graduating college.

[BoogercountySooner]

Melo your parents might see Pete as a little bit of a threat to them, he is taking time away from them maybe that they might want to spend with you. Maybe as IB hinted at you and your friend could spend some time hanging out with your parents and they could get to know this fine fellow.

[Tailwind]

Good idea. If he's as cool a person as you think he is, he'll agree to spend some time with them. I admire anyone who puts themselves through school and has focus on an artistic endeavor. A good relationship with your parents is important, but then, so are good friends.

[jk the sooner fan]

fathers always see in boys what they know to be a good chance of reality

he may be wrong in his opinion of him, but it really doesnt matter

beano gave you some good advice......i'd talk to dad and ask if he'd allow pete to come over for dinner one evening, or come over and spend the day....let dad get a better glimpse of him if you know he's not what dad thinks he is

but let dad set the way its done......capiche?

[Jimminy Crimson]

Ask your dad to tell you stories about when he took drugs and drank alcohol. ;)

[Tailwind]

Wurd.

[Vaevictis]

Not a parent, and not a girl, but as a relative youngster (mid 20's) who remembers this sort of thing, you mainly need to just tell your Dad that:

1. You think that his opinion of Pete is incorrect, and that if he'd get to know him, he'd have a different opinion... note that you must *give* him an opportunity to get to know him better in order for this to work.
2. That your Dad's attitude is really upsetting you and hurting you, and that you would really appreciate it if your Dad would give Pete a chance.

You must be gentle and appeal to your father's reason and love for you. Yelling/crying/etc will just reinforce his current behavior.

[Jimminy Crimson]

Tell your dad to stop being mad just b/c you lost your virginity to Pete! :eddie:




















Juuuuuuuuuuuust kidding! :D

[handcrafted]

Word to what Beano said.

[Melo]

Tell your dad to stop being mad just b/c you lost your virginity to Pete! :eddie:




















Juuuuuuuuuuuust kidding! :D


:mad:

This isnt the thread to start that particular rant...

[handcrafted]

Tell your dad to stop being mad just b/c you lost your virginity to Pete! :eddie:




















Juuuuuuuuuuuust kidding! :D

Dude, I know that's just SO humor, but in this context, I'm gonna have to call party foul. Think twice before you press submit.

[walkoffsooner]

I have two girls.Does your boyfriend have earrings, ink ect.If so he is like me and sterotyped him. To gang or other types of hoodlums. Not knowing it is more of a fashion change.You are lucky your dad cares and loves you.Just talk to him catch him up on society and everything will work out.

[Gandalf_The_Grey]

Does Pete have a penis...then he is trying to sleep with you YWIA!!

[Melo]

Thanks everyone, for your opinions. I am going to try and talk to him, but I know it wont be easy. Maybe I will run it by my mom first to see what her opinion is.

I really appreciate it. Its difficult to look at my own issues and think reason.

[handcrafted]

Thanks everyone, for your opinions. I am going to try and talk to him, but I know it wont be easy. Maybe I will run it by my mom first to see what her opinion is.

I really appreciate it. Its difficult to look at my own issues and think reason.

Your dad loves you more than life itself. Start by listening to him, and then talk.

[Melo]

I have two girls.Does your boyfriend have earrings, ink ect.If so he is like me and sterotyped him. To gang or other types of hoodlums. Not knowing it is more of a fashion change.You are lucky your dad cares and loves you.Just talk to him catch him up on society and everything will work out.

Lol. I thank you for your help, but hes not my boyfriend. This is why I am confused! He ISNT my boyfriend. He has no peircings, and no ink. The way he dresses... well, I can see where it would give off a certain impression. He's not exactly the clean cut, preppy looking boy I think my parents expect me to go for.

[lefty]

never ever brush off you father

he loves you and no boy is ever going to be good enough for you in his eyes.

thank God my girls aren't old enough to date, but I dread the day.


I have a 14 year old daughter and a 28 year old son (I know, I know). I find myself much more protective of my daughter than I was of my son. Hey, I'm a guy and I know what I was thinking about when I was young. That scares me when I think about my daughter. I think she is prepared for me to make her dating life hell when she starts. My rule to her as always been that she can date as soon as she gets married.

[Jimminy Crimson]

Talk to your mom first. She's a chick, and I'm sure had these same battles with her old man, too.

I plan on only raising boys so I don't have to deal with protecting my daughters. :D

[handcrafted]

Talk to your mom first. She's a chick, and I'm sure had these same battles with her old man, too.

I plan on only raising boys so I don't have to deal with protecting my daughters. :D

Good luck with that. The whole "pick the sex of your baby" thing is kinda Gattica.

[Jimminy Crimson]

Good luck with that. The whole "pick the sex of your baby" thing is kinda Gattica.

It's all in the positions and the calendar. ;)

[Gandalf_The_Grey]

Seriously I wasn't trying to be mean but in all honesty, somewhere around 95% of guys 13-20 are only worried about sex and the other 5% are probably thinking about 95% of the time. It's science.....Your dad fears him because you always fear that guy who is the "friend"...we call him smooth....and he is probably Emo too ;)

[Melo]

Seriously I wasn't trying to be mean but in all honesty, somewhere around 95% of guys 13-20 are only worried about sex and the other 5% are probably thinking about 95% of the time. It's science.....Your dad fears him because you always fear that guy who is the "friend"...we call him smooth....and he is probably Emo too ;)

He isnt "emo". That s**t is stupid. I wont argue that he probably thinks about sex most of the time. I understand that. My little argument some people know of on the board about pre-marital sex... I am just as adament about that EVERYWHERE. He KNOWS how I feel about it, so I think he doesnt even bother trying. When I say we're friends, I mean... we hang out and watch movies, drum together, talk about band, bands... that sort of thing.

And I know you werent being mean. :)

[jk the sooner fan]

i have 2 boys, one 16 and one 20.....i know how they think about 18 year old girls

[Vaevictis]

Remember kids, non-premarital sex is only an annulment away.

[Scott D]

never ever brush off you father

he loves you and no boy is ever going to be good enough for you in his eyes.

thank God my girls aren't old enough to date, but I dread the day.

mwahahaha....the corps doesn't prepare you for that ;)

[Scott D]

I can say for a fact that I didn't like any of my daughter's male friends....I didn't like any of her previous boyfriends (and it turned out I was right). Then again, I barely tolerated the few female friends that she had as well.

Parents are generally mistrustful of anyone that has the potential to have any sort of influence on the life of their child...that tends to be doubled when it's the opposite gender of the child, because of the whole hormones issue. Part of it is also the fact that parents generally don't want to come to terms with their children growing up and becoming more independant.

[Gandalf_The_Grey]

I don't know...wasn't your daughter posting on here on April 1 ;) Seems like you should control her more....

Oh Melo, I was just talking to some of my neg spekkers, you are too sweet to ever be angry :P

[Gandalf_The_Grey]

Jaux,
Asking for advice ... good for you.
My advice cannot be better than most already given (particularly Beano's) but here goes:
Even if you disagree with your Joe C's decision it's best to stay close with them and listen, even though it might be disagreeable. Who knows? Maybe they'll "come around" to your way of thinking and if they were right, no harm done.

Now apply it to your silly pony picture and see if the passion for civility is so high ;)

[Octavian]

With knowing absolutely nothing about this situation except for whats in this thread....

my uneducated guess is that Pete, the older aged drummer guy in college, probably has a toke every once in awhile and doesn't want you to know.

Your dad's been around that block...Pete ain't foolin the old man.

On the flip side, I bet your dad wasn't your maternal grandpa's favorite person in the world either.

[85Sooner]

fathers always see in boys what they know to be a good chance of reality

he may be wrong in his opinion of him, but it really doesnt matter

beano gave you some good advice......i'd talk to dad and ask if he'd allow pete to come over for dinner one evening, or come over and spend the day....let dad get a better glimpse of him if you know he's not what dad thinks he is

but let dad set the way its done......capiche?


Another Ditto Here!!!!!!!11

[birddog]

make sure you tell pete to pull an eddie haskell if he comes over to meet pops.

[hurricane'bone]

Isn't your dad a band director?

So he knows what most drummers are like...and he's worried.

[Melo]

Isn't your dad a band director?

So he knows what most drummers are like...and he's worried.

Yea, but thats pretty closed-minded.

[Gandalf_The_Grey]

closed-minded = parents ;)

[Okla-homey]

Just remember one thing Melo. There is only one male human on the planet who would gladly take a bullet meant for you...and it ain't Pete.

[slickdawg]

Just remember one thing Melo. There is only one male human on the planet who would gladly take a bullet meant for you...and it ain't Pete.


Nor is there any other man that will love you as much as your Daddy, even
if he tells you that he does - it is not possible.

[Scott D]

Just remember one thing Melo. There is only one male human on the planet who would gladly take a bullet meant for you...and it ain't Pete.

Homey, you really fell for Quag...Stanley1 telling you that one? ;)

[usmc-sooner]

mwahahaha....the corps doesn't prepare you for that ;)


they taught me how to shoot, maim and kill :D

[Okla-homey]

they taught me how to shoot, maim and kill :D

And maiming is more detrimental to the enemy b/c it takes two guys out of the fight. The maimed, and the d00d who helps him off the battlefield.:D

[usmc-sooner]

And maiming is more detrimental to the enemy b/c it takes two guys out of the fight. The maimed, and the d00d who helps him off the battlefield.:D


so basically all I have to do is maim all the 12 year old boys and my daughter is safe. :D

[Okla-homey]

so basically all I have to do is maim all the 12 year old boys and my daughter is safe. :D

I'd shoot Stanley in the tallywhacker just to be safe.

[Sooner Born Sooner Bred]

You might ask your dad why he has this impression of him. The explain to him what you have said here about his lack of partying and how serious he is about school.

If his reasons are still unfounded, and Pete really is a good guy and just a friend you hang with in a group setting, just don't mention his name again.

[Scott D]

You might ask your dad why he has this impression of him. The explain to him what you have said here about his lack of partying and how serious he is about school.

If his reasons are still unfounded, and Pete really is a good guy and just a friend you hang with in a group setting, just don't mention his name again.

for the record, I still mistrust Steve

[Gandalf_The_Grey]

If you don't mistrust a teenage boy as a Dad, you probably aren't doing a good job ;)

[proud gonzo]

Beano's got the right idea, but I don't think the issue is just about Pete--if your parents don't know him well there's no reason for them to trust or distrust him. But it also sounds like they don't trust what you have to say about Pete, and I think that's the bigger issue here. You should find out why your dad thinks you would come home drunk or why your mom thinks you need a lecture about drugs.
They obviously aren't treating you as an adult, and if you want that to change you'll have to make some changes yourself.

[TUSooner]

Not that I have anything significant to add to what the "smart folk" have said, but as the father of a 17yo daughter...

Dad loves you more than anybody else can or ever will. Period. He's afraid that bad stuff will happen to you; he knows he can't watch over you like he could when you were 7; he's hoping he & Mom "raised you right"; and he'll do whatever he thinks is necessary to protect you as much as he can for as long as he can. He might even overdo it in an effort to makeup for past errors, real or imagined. Act like a reponsible adult and before you know it, you'll BE one and Dad will recognize it.
BTW, you always seemed pretty sensible to me, but I'd still be suspicious of any guy who ever even looked at you. :)

[dolemitesooner]

I can't give much infromation from the personal parents side of things. The reason is my parents trusted me and my freind choices. I don't think my parents said ever somthing to me like don't come home drunk.

But on the other hand.

There were a few parents of girls I dated in High school who hated my guts and had never even met me. I knew when I met the parents I was in like flynn. I would always suggest or try to meet the girls parents and sit down and have a random converstation with them. I could talk to the girls parents about anything at anytime and it wasn't bull****.

I would say if you really want to hang out with this Pete guy.
1. Talk to your parents about him
2. Talk to pete about meeting your parents
3. See how it goes from there.

When it comes down to it tho if you really like this kid your going to hang with him weather your parents like him or not. But if he really is a good kid like you say he is, your parents I think would appreciate having him over and meeting the guys you are hanging out with.


but what do I know I a Dolemite

[AlbqSooner]

Lots of good advice here Melo. You need to understand something about parents that you seem not to have figured out yet. Not any slam that you have not figured it out, I was much older before I got it.

I was within months of my 40th birthday and planning my move from Oklahoma to Florida. My parents planned to make the drive with me and help me get settled into my new home, plus take a vacation. I spoke with them on the phone one night and Dad starts in with which highways we will take, where we will stay the first and second nights, where to stop for gas, all the details worked out in his mind.

Next day I mentioned this to my Law partner who was 15 years older than I. He kinda chuckled and said, "Man you don't get it yet do you?"

When I inquired what I didn't get he said, "No matter how much education or life experience you have, no matter how successful you have been in life, no matter how responsible you are, as long as your parents are alive, you won't have sense enough to come in out of the rain unless they tell you to. That is the nature of being a good and caring parent. You came to them as a helpless infant and they prefer to consider you that until the day they die."

Once I understood that, my parents and I moved our relationship to a higher level.

[BeetDigger]

This thread is too long to read so I may offer redundant advice. Melo asked for a serious reply too. Hard to believe that the SO can be serious for three pages.

Melo - one thing to remember. Your dad is your primary role model for men. Does Pete do something that reminds you of your dad? Take a look at the guys you hang out with and do the comparison. I guarantee that the guy you marry, and it won't be Pete I think, will have many traits and characteristics in common with your dad. Your dad probably did a lot of things growing up that his parents didn't approve of. If it is really important to hang out with Pete, do it. Just don't let Pete talk you into a bad decision. That said, if my parents really didn't want me to do something, I generally didn't do it. I never wanted them to think bad of me so I always knew where to draw the line.

[crawfish]

so basically all I have to do is maim all the 12 year old boys and my daughter is safe. :D

Just half. You really need to read closer. ;)




Oh, and sometimes I'm really, really, really glad I don't have daughters. :D

[Sooner in Tampa]

Melo...I have read this entire thread, there is great advice in here. HEH...I didn't think that I would ever acknowledge the SO for great parenting advice.

As a father of 4 daughters ranging from 18 to 4...I can only say that it is true about dads...there is NO ONE on earth who will love you the way a dad does. Little girls have a very special place in their dads hearts and the ONLY thing they want is for you to be happy...as long is it is with someone who treats you well. Boyfriend or friend, dads just expect for their little girls to be well taken care of.

[NormanPride]

PIIT.... wait... nevermind.

Seriously, you're old enough to have a civil conversation with your father. That's really the only option. Until you prove that you can discuss things with them like another adult, they will treat you like a child. It's just the way things go...

[C&CDean]

"Your honor, may I present this thread as Exhibit Z as to why I am happy, blessed, rejoicing, ecstatic, and tickled plum pink to only have male offspring?" "Thank you your honor."

Let me tell you how I managed to have 5 male kids.

I willed it to be so. And God, in His infinite wisdom agreed. He knew there'd be murder/dismemberment/torture/maiming/rape by cold, blue, gun metal for some poor young lad if I were cursed with female child. God is truly good.

[TexasLidig8r]

As a father, I would respect something like this...

Melo: "Dad, I love you. Something is bothering me and I want to talk with you about it. You raised me to be intelligent and self-aware and to make smart decisions in my life. For the most part, I have done that and have done nothing up to this point about which I am embarrassed. I also know I don't know nearly enough about young men my age. I want to be able to come to you for your help, support, advice and love. It means a lot to me.

So, I want to talk to you about my friend, Pete. First, Dad, he and I are simply friends. I don't feel romantic about him, we don't date and that type of interest is not there. (Then, go into his good qualities).

Then, I know from a look's perspective, you may get the impression he does drugs, or drinks, or is unmotivated. As a friend, I know him and believe that not to be the case. If there ever became a time where he did those things around me, I would immediately leave. You raised me better than that and I am smarter than that.

That would probably be a good start to the convo... and could result in your dad looking at you with a bit more respect and understanding as well.

[Howzit]

As a father, I would respect something like this...

Melo: "Dad, I love you. Something is bothering me and I want to talk with you about it. You raised me to be intelligent and self-aware and to make smart decisions in my life. For the most part, I have done that and have done nothing up to this point about which I am embarrassed. I also know I don't know nearly enough about young men my age. I want to be able to come to you for your help, support, advice and love. It means a lot to me.

So, I want to talk to you about my friend, Pete. First, Dad, he and I are simply friends. I don't feel romantic about him, we don't date and that type of interest is not there. (Then, go into his good qualities).

Then, I know from a look's perspective, you may get the impression he does drugs, or drinks, or is unmotivated. As a friend, I know him and believe that not to be the case. If there ever became a time where he did those things around me, I would immediately leave. You raised me better than that and I am smarter than that.

That would probably be a good start to the convo... and could result in your dad looking at you with a bit more respect and understanding as well.

Well said. Somewhere along the line Howzit Jr got in the habit of writing persuasive papers to the Mrs and I to state her case. They don't always work, but she's changed my mind on more than one occasion, and I respect her for taking the time to think through and present her position.

[C&CDean]

As a father, I would respect something like this...

Melo: "Dad, I love you. Something is bothering me and I want to talk with you about it. You raised me to be intelligent and self-aware and to make smart decisions in my life. For the most part, I have done that and have done nothing up to this point about which I am embarrassed. I also know I don't know nearly enough about young men my age. I want to be able to come to you for your help, support, advice and love. It means a lot to me.

So, I want to talk to you about my friend, Pete. First, Dad, he and I are simply friends. I don't feel romantic about him, we don't date and that type of interest is not there. (Then, go into his good qualities).

Then, I know from a look's perspective, you may get the impression he does drugs, or drinks, or is unmotivated. As a friend, I know him and believe that not to be the case. If there ever became a time where he did those things around me, I would immediately leave. You raised me better than that and I am smarter than that.

That would probably be a good start to the convo... and could result in your dad looking at you with a bit more respect and understanding as well.

Or, with a male child it'd go something like this:

Meloboy: Dad, why are you such a dick?

Dad: Get the **** out, and remember, I tossed you with top-spin you ungrateful little peckerhead. That way when you **** up, you'll go the other damn way. And I've already rented your room out, so don't ask.

[TUSooner]

Somewhere along the line Howzit Jr got in the habit of writing persuasive papers to the Mrs and I to state her case. They don't always work, but she's changed my mind on more than one occasion, and I respect her for taking the time to think through and present her position.
Dang. Mine has done that too. It IS nice to have literate children!

[Beef]

Have Pete meet your dad wearing a gorilla suit. Everyone loves monkeys.

[Osce0la]

Ask my wife, apparently her opinion is the only one that matters...

[NormanPride]

Ask my wife, apparently her opinion is the only one that matters...

martin, is that you?