Bathroom Protocol

[soonerthanu]

A magazine in the bathroom is it polite to have them for your guest or do they need to do their bizzness and get the hell out. Nobody relax's on my thorne. :meat:

[VeeJay]

Ya probably don't wanna leave a copy of "Jugs" on the counter if it's your wife's church group coming over.

Something like "People" is probably OK. But, leave a large can of Lysol there too. If they've been reading, they've had time to stink the joint up.

[Flagstaffsooner]

You should provide all guests in the crapper with a computer that is only linked to the appropriate place. Where I poop. (http://forums.hornfans.com/php/wwwthreads/postlist.php?Cat=&Board=football)

[Mjcpr]

If someone is having to take a load off away from their home field, you should understand that it has to be an emergency and make them as comfortable as possible with a magazine and can of Lysol. Nobody is comfortable on the road and no amount of coughs to cover the splashes or Lysol will make it so; it'll be a short stay.

[tbl]

Whether it's lysol, matches, or candles, something must be done to make them feel comfortable to drop trou. I had the unfortunate experience of going to a friends house where they had none of the above, and I had to hold it in all night. Not cool...

Magazines are optional... The best choice is a Far Side book or something of the like... Perhaps the most recent Sooner Media guide?

[Okla-homey]

I have a b-i-l who I honestly believe would rather crap his pants than do #2 on any throne but his own. He's wierd like that. He won't even poop at work.
I look on it as a way to stick it to the man. 15 minutes a day, on the clock, and the man can't do nothing about it. That's an hour and 15 a week!;)

[handcrafted]

I have a b-i-l who I honestly believe would rather crap his pants than do #2 on any throne but his own. He's wierd like that. He won't even poop at work.
I look on it as a way to stick it to the man. 15 minutes a day, on the clock, and the man can't do nothing about it. That's an hour and 15 a week!;)

Can I get a witness!!!

[tbl]

I don't have a problem dumping in the office at all... provided the proper masking is available. I'm sure you guys have already seen this circulating on email, but it's hilarious. I added one of my own to the original list... I would qualify Homey as a WOODY.

Bathroom survival guide

CROP DUSTING: When farting, you walk briskly around the office so the smell is not in your area and everyone else gets a whiff but doesn't know where it came from. Be careful when you do this. Do not stop until the full fart has been expelled. Walk an extra 30 feet to make sure the smell has left your pants.



FLY BY: This is the act of scouting out a bathroom before pooping. Walk in and check for other poopers. If there are others in the bathroom, leave and come back again.

Be careful not to become a FREQUENT FLYER. People may become suspicious if they catch you constantly going into the bathroom.



ESCAPEE: This is a fart that slips out while taking a leak at the urinal or forcing a poop in a stall. This is usually accompanied by a sudden wave of embarrassment. If you release an escapee, do not acknowledge it. Pretend it did not happen. If you are standing next to the farter in the urinal, pretend you did not hear it. No one likes an escapee. It is uncomfortable for all involved. Making a joke or laughing makes both parties feel uneasy.



JAILBREAK: When forcing a poop, several farts slip out at a machine gun pace. This is usually a side effect of diarrhea or a hangover. If this should happen, do not panic. Remain in the stall until everyone has left the bathroom to spare everyone the awkwardness of what just occurred.



COURTESY FLUSH: The act of flushing the toilet the instant the poop hits the water. This reduces the amount of airtime the poop has to stink up the bathroom. This can help you avoid being caught doing the WALK OF SHAME.



CAMO FLUSH: Very similar to the COURTESY FLUSH, but designed more as a sound deterrent than a stink deterrent. Can be used to replace the ASTAIRE & CAMO COUGH, especially when an industrial strength toilet is in play.



WALK OF SHAME: Walking from the stall, to the sink, to the door after you have just stunk the bathroom. This can be a very uncomfortable moment if someone walks in and busts you. As with farts, it is best to pretend that the smell does not exist. This very uncomfortable walk can be avoided with the use of the COURTESY FLUSH.



OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPER (WOODY) : This is a colleague who poops at work and is damn proud of it. You will often see an Out Of The Closet Pooper enter the bathroom with a newspaper or magazine under his or her arm. Always look around the office for the out Of The Closet Pooper before entering the bathroom.



POOPING FRIENDS NETWORK (P.F.N.): A group of co-workers who band together to ensure emergency pooping goes off without incident. This group can help you to monitor the whereabouts of Out Of The Closet Poopers and identify SAFE HAVENS.



SAFE HAVENS: A Safe Haven is a seldom-used bathroom somewhere in the building where you can least expect visitors. Try floors that are predominantly of the opposite sex. This will reduce the odds of a pooper of your sex entering the bathroom.



TURD BURGLAR: This is someone who does not realize that you are in the stall and tries to force the door open. This is one of the most shocking and vulnerable moments that can occur when taking a poop at work If this occurs, remain in the stall until the Turd Burglar leaves. This way you will avoid all uncomfortable eye contact.



CAMO-COUGH: A phony cough that alerts all new entrants into the bathroom that you are in a stall is called a Camo-Cough. This can be used to cover-up a WATERMELON, or to alert potential Turd Burglars. The Camo-Cough is very effective when used in conjunction with an ASTAIRE.



ASTAIRE: An Astaire is a subtle toe-tap that is used to alert potential Turd Burglars that you are occupying a stall. This will remove all doubt that the stall is occupied. If you hear an Astaire, leave the bathroom immediately so the pooper can poop in peace.



WATERMELON: A watermelon is a big poop that creates a loud splash when hitting the toilet water. This is also an embarrassing incident. If you feel a Watermelon coming on, create a diversion. See CAMO-COUGH , but the most effective cover is the CAMO-FLUSH.



HAVANA OMELET: A case of diarrhea that creates a series of loud splashes in the toilet water. Often accompanied by an Escapee. Try using a Camo-Cough with an Astaire. However, once again the most effective cover is the CAMO-FLUSH



UNCLE TODD: An Uncle Todd is a bathroom user who seems to linger around forever. This person could spend extended lengths of time in front of the mirror or sitting on the pot. An Uncle Todd makes it difficult to relax while on the crapper, as you should always wait to poop when the bathroom is empty. This benefits you as well as other bathroom attendees.

[StoopTroup]

TMI...lol

[handcrafted]

I freely admit to being a Woody. Just try and stop me. My bowels know no boundaries.

[Okla-homey]

Woodies of the World Unite!

S_it it to the man!

[tbl]

I'm a Woody as well, but you have to make sure you don't become and Uncle Todd. ;)

[Okla-homey]

I'm a Woody as well, but you have to make sure you don't become and Uncle Todd. ;)

Not me buddy, I finish my article, clean-up and whistle a happy tune as I stroll back to my cube.

[oumartin]

thats why its so good to work someplace that only has one person there at a time. I can wipe down the seat and for the next 12 hours I don't have to worry about another bare arse sitting on that seat.
oh, and if you poop away from home please be decent enuff to double flush. nothing makes me more grossed out than seeing residual sitting at the bottom of the toilet.

I once had the hershey squirts at a very pretty ladies house and it was quite embarrassing but she broke the silence by saying. Don't worry about it. Everyone does it.

[BoogercountySooner]

Raise your hand if you want to handle a magazine that someone has handled before and after taking a crap!

[Okla-homey]

Raise your hand if you want to handle a magazine that someone has handled before and after taking a crap!

Thats why the Barnes and Nobles don't allow no printed material to be taken into the restrooms. Just saying.

[SoonerInKCMO]

I have a b-i-l who I honestly believe would rather crap his pants than do #2 on any throne but his own. He's wierd like that. He won't even poop at work.
I look on it as a way to stick it to the man. 15 minutes a day, on the clock, and the man can't do nothing about it. That's an hour and 15 a week!;)

When did Sic'em marry your sister? :confused:

[VeeJay]

If its' dog-eared, may as well be smeared.

[picasso]

I see nothing about the HARMONIOUS FUNK.
You know, the guy who sings or hums his favorite tune while straddling the bin? or, the old fella who comes in humming his favorite melody on his way to the urinal stand.

[Scott D]

Where's 'The Picasso' where a guy takes a 3 course meal into the can with him? :D

[picasso]

Where's 'The Picasso' where a guy takes a 3 course meal into the can with him? :D
oh that's just an old wives tale. :D I have seen a dude with a can of pop come out of the umm can before.

also, is there a name for me, the fella who uses his shoe to flushen ze toilet?
Soccer Flusher?

oh and paper towel door opener too.

[tulsaoilerfan]

Speaking of bathroom protocol, i just love it when you go into a public toilet and there are 3 urinals in there, and some dude is in the one in the middle when the outside 2 are open; come on where's the buffer zone?

[soonerthanu]

What worse than that is the troff ugh

[StoopTroup]

Which would you pick if this was your only choice? :D

http://www.istockphoto.com/file_thumbview_approve/868020/2/istockphoto_868020_bathroom.jpg

[StoopTroup]

I'm not sure how these work and I'm not sure I want to know...

http://news.bbc.co.uk/media/images/40313000/jpg/_40313565_glast_pee300.jpg

NSFW?

[soonerthanu]

Diffently the Big Boys urinal

[StoopTroup]

Speaking of bathroom protocol, i just love it when you go into a public toilet and there are 3 urinals in there, and some dude is in the one in the middle when the outside 2 are open; come on where's the buffer zone?
Maybe he was the Facilities Maintenance guy and he knew something you didn't. ;)

http://www.environmentalhazards.com/investment-recovery/photos/595%20Commissioners%20Road/urinals.jpg

[slickdawg]

I'm not sure how these work and I'm not sure I want to know...

http://news.bbc.co.uk/media/images/40313000/jpg/_40313565_glast_pee300.jpg

NSFW?


very strange.

[slickdawg]

THE **** LIST

GHOST **** You know you've ****. There's **** on the toilet paper,
but there is no **** in the toilet.

TEFLON COATED **** Comes out so slick, clean and easy that you don't
even feel it. No traces of **** on the toilet paper. You have to look
in the toilet to be sure you did it.

GOOEY **** This has the consistency of hot tar. You wipe your arse
112 times and it still doesn't come clean. You end up putting toilet
paper in your underwear so you don't stain it. This **** leaves
permanent skid marks in the toilet.

SECOND THOUGHT **** You're all done wiping your arse and you're about
to stand up when you realise it.... you've got some more.

POP A VEIN IN YOUR FOREHEAD **** This is the kind of **** that killed
Elvis. It doesn't want to come out until you're all sweaty, trembling
and purple from straining so hard.

RICHARD SIMMONS **** You **** so much you lose ten pounds.

RIGHT NOW **** You'd better be within 10 seconds of a toilet. Usually
it has its head out before you have your pants down.

GREEN **** Comes the day after eating a big spinach salad.

KING KONG **** This **** is so big that you know it won't go down the
toilet unless you break it up into smaller chunks. A coat hanger works
well. This kind of **** usually happens at someone else's house.

CORK **** Even after the third flush, its still floating there. My
God! How do I get rid of it?! This **** usually happens at someone
else's house too.

WET CHEEKS **** This **** hits the water sideways and makes a BIG
splash that gets your arse all wet.

WISH **** You sit there all cramped and fart, but no ****.

CEMENT BLOCK **** You wish you'd gotten a spinal block before you
****.

SNAKE **** This **** is fairly soft and about as round as your thumb
and at least three feet long.

MEXICAN FOOD **** You'll know it's all right to start eating again
when your arsehole stops burning.

BEER DRUNK **** This happens the day after the night before. Normally
your **** doesn't smell too bad, but this **** is BAD. Usually there's
someone standing outside wanting to use the toilet. This kind of ****
also happens at someone else's house.

[tulsaoilerfan]

THE **** LIST

GHOST **** You know you've ****. There's **** on the toilet paper,
but there is no **** in the toilet.

TEFLON COATED **** Comes out so slick, clean and easy that you don't
even feel it. No traces of **** on the toilet paper. You have to look
in the toilet to be sure you did it.

GOOEY **** This has the consistency of hot tar. You wipe your arse
112 times and it still doesn't come clean. You end up putting toilet
paper in your underwear so you don't stain it. This **** leaves
permanent skid marks in the toilet.

SECOND THOUGHT **** You're all done wiping your arse and you're about
to stand up when you realise it.... you've got some more.

POP A VEIN IN YOUR FOREHEAD **** This is the kind of **** that killed
Elvis. It doesn't want to come out until you're all sweaty, trembling
and purple from straining so hard.

RICHARD SIMMONS **** You **** so much you lose ten pounds.

RIGHT NOW **** You'd better be within 10 seconds of a toilet. Usually
it has its head out before you have your pants down.

GREEN **** Comes the day after eating a big spinach salad.

KING KONG **** This **** is so big that you know it won't go down the
toilet unless you break it up into smaller chunks. A coat hanger works
well. This kind of **** usually happens at someone else's house.

CORK **** Even after the third flush, its still floating there. My
God! How do I get rid of it?! This **** usually happens at someone
else's house too.

WET CHEEKS **** This **** hits the water sideways and makes a BIG
splash that gets your arse all wet.

WISH **** You sit there all cramped and fart, but no ****.

CEMENT BLOCK **** You wish you'd gotten a spinal block before you
****.

SNAKE **** This **** is fairly soft and about as round as your thumb
and at least three feet long.

MEXICAN FOOD **** You'll know it's all right to start eating again
when your arsehole stops burning.

BEER DRUNK **** This happens the day after the night before. Normally
your **** doesn't smell too bad, but this **** is BAD. Usually there's
someone standing outside wanting to use the toilet. This kind of ****
also happens at someone else's house.
One of my son's teammates did a King Kong in our toilet yesterday; we had to get the maid to use the plunger so it would flush. :eek:

[tulsaoilerfan]

I'm not sure how these work and I'm not sure I want to know...

http://news.bbc.co.uk/media/images/40313000/jpg/_40313565_glast_pee300.jpg

NSFW?

BTW, what does NSFW stand for? I still haven't figured that one out. :confused:

[slickdawg]

The king kong was recently deposited in a stall at work, gotta find that thread....

[slickdawg]

BTW, what does NSFW stand for? I still haven't figured that one out. :confused:

When you are fired, you will. ;)

Not Suitable For Work

[tulsaoilerfan]

What worse than that is the troff ugh
There's a bar here that has a troff, or trough, in the mens' whizzer; kinda unique but i would hate to have to take a crap in it. :D

[bigdsooner]

the fella who uses his shoe to flushen ze toilet?
Soccer Flusher?

oh and paper towel door opener too.

out in public, thats exactly what i do.


the only time i get nervous is when i gotta go around women...like at the doctor or the dentist. if your in there for awhile, they know what yer doing, then when you come out it feels like everyone is staring at you cause you unloaded 10 feet away from them.

[picasso]

I'll never forget this old whizz trough at a bar in Deep Ellum once upon a time during OU/Texas weekend. reminded me so of those old small school gymnasium locker room type places.:D

[Okla-homey]

I'll never forget this old whizz trough at a bar in Deep Ellum once upon a time during OU/Texas weekend. reminded me so of those old small school gymnasium locker room type places.:D

The whiz-troughs at Skelly Stadium must be at least as old as the stadium itself.

[tulsaoilerfan]

When you are fired, you will. ;)

Not Suitable For Work
Thanks but don't have to worry about that as unlike a lot of you, i don't work in an office where i can access Soonerfans.com all day long to pad my post count. :D

[LoyalFan]

I always lead a first-time guest to the "loo". That way, I can make certain that there's sufficient stationery on the roll, that my attack cat, "Winchester", isn't lurking behind the potty or the shower curtain, and that my copy of "Big 'Uns" is prominently displayed. I also turn the light AND the vent on for them. An ounce of prevention is worth a pound of gagging.

LF
Host Extraordinaire.

PS: If it's a lady person, I also surreptitiously activate the Potty Cam.

[mrowl]

I'll never forget this old whizz trough at a bar in Deep Ellum once upon a time during OU/Texas weekend. reminded me so of those old small school gymnasium locker room type places.:D

there are troughs in the fair park arena across from the cotton bowl. And weren't there some troughs at Bamas stadium?

[Howzit]

When I was in the Army there was a group of guys that used to come over to my apartment to drink and hang out. This one guy would take a dump and clog up the toilet every friggin time. I finally told him to either bring his own plunger or take a dump before he came over.

'Cause the maid got tired of it, and all.

[picasso]

When I was in the Army there was a group of guys that used to come over to my apartment to drink and hang out. This one guy would take a dump and clog up the toilet every friggin time. I finally told him to either bring his own plunger or take a dump before he came over.

'Cause the maid got tired of it, and all.
glad he didn't take any of mine.

[SicEmBaylor]

I've got a friend who used to come over and as soon as he got here he'd go into my bathroom and take a dump. I finally banned him and everyone else from my bathroom.

Some places are sacred, and I only worship in my OWN bathroom.

[Flagstaffsooner]

Some places are sacred, and I only worship in my OWN bathroom.With a Zima in one hand and paper in the other.

[proud gonzo]

I'm not sure how these work and I'm not sure I want to know...

http://news.bbc.co.uk/media/images/40313000/jpg/_40313565_glast_pee300.jpg

NSFW?
I'm not even joking. :eek:
http://www.pmate.co.uk/pmate_bottom_secton.jpg
http://www.pmate.co.uk/images/pmate_banner.jpg

[HskrGrl]

I'm not even joking. :eek:
http://www.pmate.co.uk/pmate_bottom_secton.jpg
http://www.pmate.co.uk/images/pmate_banner.jpg

So not only does it help us women folk pee standing up, but it also allows us to pee through our underwear?

[tbl]

oh that's just an old wives tale. :D I have seen a dude with a can of pop come out of the umm can before.

also, is there a name for me, the fella who uses his shoe to flushen ze toilet?
Soccer Flusher?

oh and paper towel door opener too.

No way I'm a paper towell openner, but I am definitely a shoe flusher. Actually, I'm not so much a show flusher as I am a shoe seat lifter. I don't want to stick my fingers under that toilet and find out what foul mysteries are waiting for me.