Hatfield
4/25/2006, 10:33 AM
10:42 AM CDT on Thursday, April 20, 2006
By GORDON KEITH
Dear Mr. Keith,
We have received your 2005 tax forms and appreciate your punctuality. However, we cannot accept your return in its current state. We at the IRS have found the following areas of concern.
1. You must file separate returns for 1983, 1999, 2001, 2003, 2004 and 2005.
2. Your Social Security number is suspect. Yours contains too many digits. (Tip: There are no letters in a SSN. And if there were, it is doubtful that they would spell out a nickname.)
3. All returns must be filled out in ink of some kind. Puffy Paint, although pretty, is not acceptable.
4. On Page 1b, you have checked "Married Filing Jointly," but then on Page 7 you have scrawled a rather confusing boast about a tumultuous divorce. Please clarify.
5. You cannot claim an ag exemption for your apartment. Furthermore, the crop you are growing is illegal.
6. You have claimed over $4,600 under a "sandwich exemption." No such exemption exists.
7. You may not claim a ferret as a head of household.
8. Beside DEPENDENT you have written "another name for the necklace." Clarify.
9. "Condoms" cannot be deducted as an expense.
10. Neither can "menthols."
11. Curiously, your charitable contributions grossly overwhelm your actual income. It is unheard of to make $17,450 a year and claim "one billion dollars" in charitable contributions.
12. We do not accept artwork of any kind. The drawing you sent us of what appears to be two goat-men in an advanced state of arousal is being returned under a separate cover.
13. We are not sure what "chronic" is, much less do we know if you can claim it as a business expense.
14. Please refrain from abusive language on future returns.
In conclusion, you must file an extension immediately, and we highly recommend you receive professional assistance with your return. It would aid you in avoiding embarrassing mistakes like these.
Jeff Goodman, IRS
P.S. We understand minor soiling of the return, but it appears as if you field-dressed a deer while working on your taxes. Is everyone OK?
Send your creative accounting tips to Gordon at gordon@ gordonkeith.com. Listen to his crop-fueled abusive language on "The Ticket" KTCK-AM (1310) weekdays from 6 to 10 a.m.
By GORDON KEITH
Dear Mr. Keith,
We have received your 2005 tax forms and appreciate your punctuality. However, we cannot accept your return in its current state. We at the IRS have found the following areas of concern.
1. You must file separate returns for 1983, 1999, 2001, 2003, 2004 and 2005.
2. Your Social Security number is suspect. Yours contains too many digits. (Tip: There are no letters in a SSN. And if there were, it is doubtful that they would spell out a nickname.)
3. All returns must be filled out in ink of some kind. Puffy Paint, although pretty, is not acceptable.
4. On Page 1b, you have checked "Married Filing Jointly," but then on Page 7 you have scrawled a rather confusing boast about a tumultuous divorce. Please clarify.
5. You cannot claim an ag exemption for your apartment. Furthermore, the crop you are growing is illegal.
6. You have claimed over $4,600 under a "sandwich exemption." No such exemption exists.
7. You may not claim a ferret as a head of household.
8. Beside DEPENDENT you have written "another name for the necklace." Clarify.
9. "Condoms" cannot be deducted as an expense.
10. Neither can "menthols."
11. Curiously, your charitable contributions grossly overwhelm your actual income. It is unheard of to make $17,450 a year and claim "one billion dollars" in charitable contributions.
12. We do not accept artwork of any kind. The drawing you sent us of what appears to be two goat-men in an advanced state of arousal is being returned under a separate cover.
13. We are not sure what "chronic" is, much less do we know if you can claim it as a business expense.
14. Please refrain from abusive language on future returns.
In conclusion, you must file an extension immediately, and we highly recommend you receive professional assistance with your return. It would aid you in avoiding embarrassing mistakes like these.
Jeff Goodman, IRS
P.S. We understand minor soiling of the return, but it appears as if you field-dressed a deer while working on your taxes. Is everyone OK?
Send your creative accounting tips to Gordon at gordon@ gordonkeith.com. Listen to his crop-fueled abusive language on "The Ticket" KTCK-AM (1310) weekdays from 6 to 10 a.m.