Mom died today

[12]

It wasn't a shock, but wow, that is a big event in your life. I'm just kind of numb.

I'm not asking for prayers or sympathy, but have others among our SO group had this happen (when a somewhat expected event) and then wonder, "Gee, what do I do now?" It is very surreal.

A little history: Mom had a massive stroke in 1999. Dad has cared for her since. Health has been up and down for her, as with most all stroke patients.

Again, I am not asking for attention, but just maybe a story or two from those who have been through losing a parent. It is a truly profound day in my life.

[12]

By the way, I thank you in advance for the kind thoughts, but I really DON'T WANT a bunch of "thoughts and prayers" posts to this. I would just like to get into the weird psychology stuff any of you might have had in your experiences.

I can tell you, it is much different than I anticipated.

[Tailwind]

I'm very sorry to hear that, 12. I lost my mom a few years ago unexpectedly and you do feel the "what do I do now" thing. Also anger at not being made aware that she had any life-threatening issues. I still miss her very much.

[slickdawg]

I only had one aunt growing up, my mom's sister. She was the bomb to me.

She spent the last year of her life terminal, it wasn't if she would die, it was when. Personally, I was at peace when she died and felt better for her.
Her faith was second to none, so that wasn't a concern. I looked at
it as if she got a new body in another place.

[royalfan5]

I'm sorry to hear about your loss. I too have lost a parent, although under much different circumstances. My father passed away when I was 6 months old from lung and testicular cancer.(apperently some people get two types of cancer at once) The thing that helped me the most is focusing on the good things that I could find out about my dad and what we would have had in common, and accepting that he isn't here, and trusting whatever faith you believe in. Good luck.

[soonerbrat]

I can't relate to losing a parent, fortunately. The closest person I've lost is my brother in law..he died in a car accident last October. I'm still grieving and I still think of him every day.

[slickdawg]

I can't relate to losing a parent, fortunately. The closest person I've lost is my brother in law..he died in a car accident last October. I'm still grieving and I still think of him every day.

To me, the "prepared for" death is better than the "unexpected death", which you experienced. That's tragic.

[Sooner Born Sooner Bred]

My grandma died 10 years ago. She had never been sick and then was diagnosed with colon cancer in December 1995. Within a month, she had her first surgery and had a heart attack in the hospital. A week later she was dead.

It's surreal. I had no idea how to feel. I don't think you can ever be totally prepared.

[12]

These are good so far. I mean, I'm a big boy and all... at 38, I have my own wife and two kids, dog, 2 cats and a dozen or so fish. I like my job and house and cars. I just feel so very strange right now.

I think I'll take a long run, shower off and watch Monty Python all night.

Seriously, I'm fine with everything and am in fact relieved with much of it. Still, it is the strangest day I have had in my life.

[12]

"DONG"


"DONG"



"DONG"

Sorry... and thanks for the prayer. She's doing fine, I'm sure. She is playing bridge and comparing olives and NFL standings with her other pals who left before her.

[OU-HSV]

First off, sorry to hear for your loss 12. I'm grateful to have both of my parents alive...my wife on the other hand,unfortunately lost her mother to cancer when she was only a Freshman in college. When my wife and I first started dating, about 9 months or so after her mother passed, there were some rough days for her. I think down days are only expected. But with time you'll get back close to normal for sure. I lost a female friend of mine a few years ago...she comitted suicide about a week before her wedding. And that was a complete shocker...I had talked to her the day before she did it and I wasn't prepared for anything like that whatsoever (I guess no one ever is prepared for suicide).

[Frozen Sooner]

Haven't had a parent die yet, but my mom had a heart attack a few years ago. Kinda funny-she was in the lobby of one of our branches, and I was right across the parking lot in the admin building at a meeting. They spent ten minutes trying to figure out where I was to notify me and I ended up being able to talk to her a bit before the EMTs took her away.

[Okla-homey]

Time heals these wounds. The pain you now feel will be replaced by warm memories. I know its hard to imagine, but it will. Your dad really needs your love and attention now. Drown him in it for a time. In so doing, you'll help both of yourselves. Also, for now, its okay to cry about it.

[Cam]

Sorry to hear about that man.

Thankfully, I haven't lost a parent yet. My younger brother died at the age of 16 in a car wreck. For the next couple of days, when i wasn't on a bar stool, I was pretty much staring at the TV. Wasn't really watching, just sort of staring. I couldn't watch a movie for months that had any kind of sappy stuff in it or I started crying like a little girl.

Time does heal the heart. Sending happy thoughts your way man.

[Mrs. Norm]

My mom died when I was 19. She had cancer for 10 months. We all knew that it was going to happen. What amazed me is that she died 11 days after I got married. She also made it long enough to spend 8 hours with my brother when he came home from the Navy. 13 years later, I still think of her everyday. The only advice I can give is think of all the good memories. Also, talk it through with somebody. Don't shove all of your feelings inside.

[Soonrboy]

Hey 12...lost my mom when I was 24, 15 years ago...not a day goes by that I don't think of her and miss the hell out of her. Took a long time to tell stories about her and to remember her without there being a lot of sadness to go with it. I still get sad knowing my kids will not know her. We have this quilt that she made, she wasn't very good at sewing, but I love seeing my kids wrap themselves up in it.

I remember thinking after she died how weird it was that nothing stopped, nothing closed down, people didn't slow down...that part was surreal.

[oumartin]

I don't know what to say other than I'm sorry its happened.

[King Crimson]

hang in there 12. both my grampaws died in the same year, and i loved those guys. not that it's the same thing by any means.

[Viking Kitten]

My dad died almost three years ago when I was 32. It was completely unexpected. The sucky thing is, he got mad at me over something stupid three years before it happened, and he only had just begun talking to me again about two months before he died. So there's a lot of regret and all that kind of crap. I just remember having a massive headache for about a month and not being able to sleep much after it happened. Ambien and Advil were my closest friends there for awhile. (I also got a lot of pedicures, but that's just my way of dealing with things.)

Anyway, as Homey said above, it's pretty much just about letting time do its thing. Feel lucky you kind of got to say goodbye.

[Sooner_Bob]

It wasn't a shock, but wow, that is a big event in your life. I'm just kind of numb.

I'm not asking for prayers or sympathy, but have others among our SO group had this happen (when a somewhat expected event) and then wonder, "Gee, what do I do now?" It is very surreal.

A little history: Mom had a massive stroke in 1999. Dad has cared for her since. Health has been up and down for her, as with most all stroke patients.

Again, I am not asking for attention, but just maybe a story or two from those who have been through losing a parent. It is a truly profound day in my life.

Sounds very similar to when my grandma died a couple of years ago. You just feel this empty spot inside yourself and aren't quite sure how to deal with it. Even though you've had time to prepare you're still not quite sure where to go or what to do.

I know you realize this, but just remember her the best you can and know she's in a better place.

[OUDoc]

Sorry to hear that, 12. I'm fortunate that I don't have a story to tell. My best to you and your family.

[opksooner]

12, the bond between a mother and child is like no other. It's been said "a man can have many fathers, but only one mother". I hope your relationship was such that you will be comforted by the warm memories that you will carry with you forever.

May the memory of the righteous be for a blessing. God Bless.

[Czar Soonerov]

When VK's dad died, I learned to never turn my back on my family. He missed most of our sons first three years and the birth of our daughter. I don't even remember what he was mad about. He was a good guy (very funny), I miss him...

[SoonerBorn68]

I lost 3 grandparents in a span of 3 years along with my nephew who was murdered. All I remember feeling was just a big void. To this day I still have the urge to pick the phone and call them...and then I remember.

I found comfort in my wife and my children. The kids really made the difference. They knew I was hurting and would cheer me up with hugs & doing silly things.

12, I'll be thinking of you.

[BajaOklahoma]

My father died in 1990. We weren't terribly close as my parents divorced when I was 10. My mother always said that he didn't know how to parent as his father wasn't an involved parent.

My stepfather died in 2000. He was married to my mother for 30 years and was a great man. Someone you could depend on and really like. I miss him everyday. I read a comic that I know he would have enjoyed. Some little repair around the house that he would know how to do and love to do it for me. He had a wonderful life and was very active until his death. I still miss him.
Last night, our Golden Retreiver was standing out back, just smelling the air and loittering (sp?). It reminded me of how Bill would linger longer than the rest of us, enjoying life at that moment. My husband recognized that too as he said we need need to change his name to Bill. My stepfather would have loved it. Enjoy the memories and don't forget.

[usmc-sooner]

sorry

[pb4ou]

my condolences to you 12.

[12]

So I went for an 8 mile run... easily the longest distance I've been since college. Amazing what a little exercise can do to clear the brain.

These replies are classic SO in every possible way. I really (no, REALLY) wasn't looking for pitty or anything, but just for some folks to share the experiences they have had in similar situations.

Thank you all. And remember, when things get really weird in your life, go out and exercise. The extra oxygen will help you more than you can imagine.

[olevetonahill]

Starting this at 10; 37 lets see when I can Finish ,
Gonna be long My Dads Dad died in thr flu epidemic of 1918, Dad was 6 months old :eek: At the age of 4 he was abandoned
pause
K im back 10;41
By his Momma , He went thru the depression , then got drafted to WW2:eek: :eek: :eek:
was in the PTO
That MAN walked ME to the plane as i was headed to Nam :confused:
Hell 12 I tried but cant tyope thru the tears
And a big NO it dont get easier after yrs
Lost Dad in 92 Mom in 01
Just know My hearts with ya ok ?

[OUthunder]

12, sorry for your loss.

My mother died March 6, 1981 just 4 days after my tenth b-day. She went in for a hemmorhoid surgery and never came out. The day that she was to be released she had an allergic reaction to some meds and she had a fatal heart attack.

20+ years later and I can still remember what I had for breakfast that day, the clothes I wore to school, and the vice principal pulling me out of class and walking me to my sisters car in the parking lot. They were both crying so I knew it wasn't good. We arrived five minutes after she passed and I just remember feeling like I wanted to crawl under a rock and hopefully awake from a terrible dream.

Unfortunately it was no dream and not seeing her again to tell her how much she meant to me and that I loved her one last time has always been a huge void in my personal life.

It never gets easier but savor the good times and the memories.

[olevetonahill]

12, sorry for your loss.

My mother died March 6, 1981 just 4 days after my tenth b-day. She went in for a hemmorhoid surgery and never came out. The day that she was to be released she had an allergic reaction to some meds and she had a fatal heart attack.

20+ years later and I can still remember what I had for breakfast that day, the clothes I wore to school, and the vice principal pulling me out of class and walking me to my sisters car in the parking lot. They were both crying so I knew it wasn't good. We arrived five minutes after she passed and I just remember feeling like I wanted to crawl under a rock and hopefully awake from a terrible dream.

Unfortunately it was no dream and not seeing her again to tell her how much she meant to me and that I loved her one last time has always been a huge void in my personal life.

It never gets easier but savor the good times and the memories.

YEP

[12]

Thunder, that is so sad.

[Norm In Norman]

Dude, sorry about that. As Mrs. Norm stated, her mom died from cancer right after we got married. It was tough on her. My dad died unexpectedly right before the 2000 OU-TX game, which wasn't any easier. I think with guys it's a bit different because we feel like we can't show any weakness. I mean, I had my wife, 3 month old son, mom, and 5 half sisters to think about, you know? You'll deal with it in your own way though. The funeral will make it easier.

[yermom]

i lost my father when i was 13 (October 6, 1989), he was in a car accident and was in the hospital unconscious for a few weeks before they declared him braindead

i never really got to say goodbye :(

i could have really used a father during those years of my life. be thankful you got the years you did 12, at least she got to see you grow up and be a man and see your kids

[AlbqSooner]

August 13, 2001 I got the call from my Dad that Mom had died. Only time I remember him crying. They were married 61 years and although I felt lost, I cannot begin to imagine how he felt.

Homey is right, time takes care of these things to a very large degree. I know my mom believed in God and is in a much better place than I at present so that helps.

In the weeks following her death, as I thought back over Mom's life, it came to me how many people in this world would tell you that she had a substantial and positive impact on their lives. She was a Girl Scout leader, Cub Scout den Mother, homeroom Mom, swimming instructor, active in many Church and other charitable causes, and friend/mentor to her children and their friends. Once I realized how fully she had enriched the lives of others, it was easier for me to let go.

Cry and be sad. Those are normal emotions to be feeling at this time. But do not cry and do not be sad for your Mom. She had her life and evidently lived it well enough for her children to miss her dearly. That is pretty much all any of us can hope for.

Despite your admonition, I will keep you and your family in my prayers.

[My Opinion Matters]

I'm uniquely qualified to talk about this subject. I lost my mom in 1999, my dad in 2003. The easy answer is there is no right or wrong way to feel. I have a lot of brothers and sisters, and it seems each one of us dealt with it differently. For me, the worst part was the feeling of helplessness that enveloped me. It wasn't so much that I couldn't do anything to prevent them from dying, but it was more knowing that everything about my life and those I care about was crashing down, and I couldn't do anything about it. My father passed while my wife was pregnant with our only child. Her grandfather also passed during her pregnancy. It was a little bittersweet when my daughter was born, knowing she'll never know my parents. Not being able to share that moment with them. At the same time its given me a lot of perspective, it sounds cliche, but its true.

[picasso]

sorry to hear 12. Both of my parents are in their mid 70's and I've tried to mentally prepare but I know it's nothing like reality will be.

[Hatfield]

i am so sorry to hear of your loss.

[Flagstaffsooner]

Sorry 12. Hang in there, my prayers are with you.

[Rogue]

Lots of good perspective in here, as usual.

12, for your psycho-babble request I'd like to chime in and add that there is no "right/correct" or "wrong/incorrect" way to grieve. That said, those closest to your Mom will no doubt be very sensitive to perceived slights or things they see as being inconsiderate or rude. Families respond to death in lots of complicated ways and many times it can permanently damage relationships of the surviving family members if they don't afford one another the permission and sensitivity to each grieve in their own way. Cultures, religions, and families all have some peculiar rules about grieving, much of it is hooey. I would recommend some sort of healing ritual that is meaningful for you and yours. As numb as you may be right now, you are also role-modelling for your kids about grieving. At your (our) age, it often provokes some existential funkiness that a good counselor (I recommend clinical social workers) can help you work through if you get "stuck" in any of the funk.

[WhiteRiverSooner]

I lost my mom to cancer in 1986. She was very sick with cancer for 6 mos. I know the distant relatives that came to the funeral thought we were crazy because my brothers and I appeared to be having a party after the funeral. We were in a way. We were so happy to have our mom out of pain and we knew she had gone to a better place, so we were celebrating her passing.

However, her loss sent us all into a spin and we didn't celebrate holidays together for many years. We had lost the glue to the nucleus of our family and found it just too painful. We resumed full family gatherings about 5 years ago. I am a 50 year old orphan (lost my dad when I was young) and feel it everyday.

The good side to the story is that I find great joy in doing the things my mother loved to do. Her love of gardening somehow passed to me and I feel very close to my mother when I am in the garden. I have a very special love for her favorite flowers and tend to those with special care. You will discover those special parts of your mother that were left with you.

[85Sooner]

All my prayers for you 12. Take care of yourself and your family. I will be thinking of you tonight.

[12]

Thank you all for your kind words and sharing your personal experiences. Though a bit foggy for a couple of days, I'm back to normal and ready to move along. For those of you who shared tragic experiences, I can't begin to imagine what you have been through. This was certainly much more peaceful and common.

Thank you friends. We're all ok, and I'll talk to you next week.

[BlondeSoonerGirl]

I wish I had one to share. I read this thread from the day you started it but couldn't add to it...at all.

One of these days I will. And I'll remember what you've all said.

You're on my mind, 12thMan...

[OU4LIFE]

Dude, I just saw this as it got bumped to the top.

Hard for me to relate to your situation really, Dad died unexpectedly, heart attack at 47...none of us were prepared for that at all. It's all very hazy to me now.....but the lasting memory that I feel will never leave me is walking in on my mom during a lull in the visitors and seeing her sitting on the bed and just carressing his side of the bed where he had been just hours before. It broke my heart.

looking back, it's almost a dream. I really only have bits and pieces that I really remember with any clarity.

[picasso]

Thank you all for your kind words and sharing your personal experiences. Though a bit foggy for a couple of days, I'm back to normal and ready to move along. For those of you who shared tragic experiences, I can't begin to imagine what you have been through. This was certainly much more peaceful and common.

Thank you friends. We're all ok, and I'll talk to you next week.
you know we love you even though you live with Gomer now.

[TUSooner]

Hey, I just saw this too. I'm very sad to hear it. My mom died after a horrible period of suffering with cancer. The worst thing, aside from the whole sickness and death thing to begin with, was that nobody was really honest with Mom or the rest of the family (i.e., my little sibs) about the fact that Mom was terminally ill. I finally had to tell my little sister one day that Mom just was not going to get better; she was going to die. Mom was practically deprived of the dignity of facing her death with courage. Most of us were relieved when her suffering ended and she "went home." (What a great concept - going home.) But losing her ripped a gigantic hole in our extended family which is still scarred after almost 30 years. But time and "dealing with it" and talking about it do make things better, they just do. God bless you.

[1stTimeCaller]

Wow, I just saw this too. My dad died of cancer on April 9th 1992 at 4:20pm. I had just turned 13. That was the only day that I got to stay home from school. My brother had an away game in HS baseball so he was doing that. My dad had planned on getting a blood transfusion so he would have the energy to see me play a soccer game that afternoon. He was basically in a morphine induced coma all day. I spent most all of the day laying with him on his bed just talking to him. I got to tell him that it was OK for him to die. I just wanted to either be with him or alone but sometimes I'd go outside and throw the football with one of my dad's friends. My mom had an ambulance come pick him up and take him to the hospital because she didn't want him to die in our house. I got to ride in the back of the ambulance. He was in the hospital bed long enough for the nurse to begin taking his blood pressure when he died. She just got the cuff thing all pumped up and then the needle didn't really move and the nurse just looked at me. I'll never forget her face. My mom and aunt came in about that time.

Numb is the best word that I can come up with to describe the calm anger that I had running through my veins. We got home in time for me to put my soccer uniform on and get to the game on time. During the game everyone had figured out why my mom was watching from her car and why my dad wasn't there.
When I feel the sun's warmth on my cheek I think it's my dad saying hello. I miss him everyday and it's been almost 14 years since I've seen him but the pain hasn't really gone away but I get up and go about my day just like I did the day before.

[skycat]

The first time anyone close to me died was when my mom's dad died when I was 12 or 13. He had been very sick for some time.

I remember my family was sitting around watching TV when the phone rang. My mom got it, didn't say a whole lot, and hung up after just a couple of minutes. Then she simply said "Grandpa died." Just like that. I remember wondering about how I was feeling, how it wasn't how I would have thought that I'd feel, and how my family wasn't acting how I thought they would.

I really have no words to describe it.

This last spring, my last surviving grandparent, my dad's mom, passed away, about a month and a half before my wedding. Again, it wasn't unexpected. I didn't cry or even get that emotional until the wedding. I gave a speech at the reception where I was trying to be funny and stuff, and then I started talking about her, and well, I got pretty emotional. It's like her loss just crept up on me.

[TUSooner]

Wow, I just saw this too. My dad died of cancer on April 9th 1992 at 4:20pm. I had just turned 13. That was the only day that I got to stay home from school. My brother had an away game in HS baseball so he was doing that. My dad had planned on getting a blood transfusion so he would have the energy to see me play a soccer game that afternoon. He was basically in a morphine induced coma all day. I spent most all of the day laying with him on his bed just talking to him. I got to tell him that it was OK for him to die. I just wanted to either be with him or alone but sometimes I'd go outside and throw the football with one of my dad's friends. My mom had an ambulance come pick him up and take him to the hospital because she didn't want him to die in our house. I got to ride in the back of the ambulance. He was in the hospital bed long enough for the nurse to begin taking his blood pressure when he died. She just got the cuff thing all pumped up and then the needle didn't really move and the nurse just looked at me. I'll never forget her face. My mom and aunt came in about that time.

Numb is the best word that I can come up with to describe the calm anger that I had running through my veins. We got home in time for me to put my soccer uniform on and get to the game on time. During the game everyone had figured out why my mom was watching from her car and why my dad wasn't there.
When I feel the sun's warmth on my cheek I think it's my dad saying hello. I miss him everyday and it's been almost 14 years since I've seen him but the pain hasn't really gone away but I get up and go about my day just like I did the day before.
You can't possibly be the same guy who got drunk and p.... never mind. That's truly an awesome story. Really, it's just awesome. I wish I could have told my Mom that it was OK for her to die.

[1stTimeCaller]

You can't possibly be the same guy who got drunk and p.... never mind. That's truly an awesome story. Really, it's just awesome. I wish I could have told my Mom that it was OK for her to die.

When I get to feeling sorry for myself I just think back at how incredibly lucky I am. I had a great father that most anyone would be lucky to have had and I also had a chance to tell him goodbye. Not everyone is as lucky as I was in those two regards. My brother was playing baseball and didn't get to see him take his last breath or tell him goodbye but he did get to spend 4 more years with him than I did.

[Sooner Born Sooner Bred]

This really hits close to home, because my dad has cancer. He is stable now, but it makes me think of the mortality of my parents. The last couple of months have been really hard, because for the first time I am afraid of being alone. I have always considered myself independent, but now I have this fear that both of my parents will die, my brother and his family will move, and I will for the first time in my life be totally alone without a family with whom I am very close.

Godspeed 12.