He does not burp and he does not fart

[Soonerbabeinbama]

My husband. I have been married for a gazillion years and I have never heard him burp or fart. NEVER!!!!! Now don't get me wrong, I'm not complaining by any means. I just think it is an extremely amazing phenomenon. So tell me guys - are there any more of you like this out there or.........am I married to an alien?

[TopDaugIn2000]

none that I know of

it's entertainment for most.

[colleyvillesooner]

Sorry, I'm back. Stunk myself outta my cubicle. What were we talking about??

[Fugue]

there is an old saying:

If a tree farts in the woods with nobody around, does it still er uh....well it's something like that.

bottom line, he let's er rip. :les:

[IB4OU2]

My husband. I have been married for a gazillion years and I have never heard him burp or fart. NEVER!!!!! Now don't get me wrong, I'm not complaining by any means. I just think it is an extremely amazing phenomenon. So tell me guys - are there any more of you like this out there or.........am I married to an alien?

You sure he's a male? Does he blame it on the dog?

[Soonerbabeinbama]

You sure he's a male? Does he blame it on the dog?
I'm pretty sure he's a male. And no, he doesn't blame it on the dog. There is nothing to blame. I have never even detected a "silent" one. It's an amazing thing I tell you!:eek:

[jk the sooner fan]

hello....meet the polar opposite of your husband

[Pieces Hit]

My sister has often said the same thing about my brother-in-law.
And he's one tough sumbitch.

[Fugue]

I have never even detected a "silent" one. It's an amazing thing I tell you!:eek:

And with your vast knowledge of the subject, that's saying something. :D

[Czar Soonerov]

He does not burp and he does not fart

Sounds like Dr. Suess.

He does not burp and he does not fart.
Will he do it in the dark?
Will he do it in the park?
Will he do it here or there?

He will not do it here or there.
He will not do it anywhere.
He will not do it in the dark.
He will not do it in the park.
He does not burp and he does not fart, Sam I am
He does not like to Sam I am....


I got nuthin'

[Sooner Born Sooner Bred]

I used to work with a girl who would leave the house and go to her parents' place to use the bathroom if her husband was there.

Is your husband's name Christy?

[Oldnslo]

According to my wife and kids, I'm making up for your husband's poor performance.

[Soonerbabeinbama]

Sounds like Dr. Suess.

He does not burp and he does not fart.
Will he do it in the dark?
Will he do it in the park?
Will he do it here or there?

He will not do it here or there.
He will not do it anywhere.
He will not do it in the dark.
He will not do it in the park.
He does not burp and he does not fart, Sam I am
He does not like to Sam I am....


I got nuthin'
Heh! I love it. I'm gonna copy that and make it suitable for framing.
He does spend a lot of time in the bathroom with the door locked however - I'm glad, because he might just explode otherwise!

[Viking Kitten]

Sounds like Dr. Suess.

He does not burp and he does not fart.
Will he do it in the dark?
Will he do it in the park?
Will he do it here or there?

He will not do it here or there.
He will not do it anywhere.
He will not do it in the dark.
He will not do it in the park.
He does not burp and he does not fart, Sam I am
He does not like to Sam I am....


I got nuthin'

*POP*
Out of his a$s comes little fart Z.
Z is too small to hear,
so don't try, you cannot.
But Z is the fart that will burn all your snot.

[Harry Beanbag]

He's an alien.

[Soonerbabeinbama]

And with your vast knowledge of the subject, that's saying something. :D
what can I say? I know my **** pretty well. I'm an expert in my field.;)

[mdklatt]

*POP*
Out of his a$s comes little fart Z.
Z is too small to hear,
so don't try, you cannot.
But Z is the fart that will burn all your snot.

I can only imagine what it's like to be a child of the Soonerovs.

[IronSooner]

Does he burp through is nose? I usually do that when around the feminine types.

[Soonerbabeinbama]

Does he burp through is nose? I usually do that when around the feminine types.
Nope, he doesn't do anything weird or disgusting through or from his nose either.

[Sooner_Bob]

burpin' and fartin' are part of what being a man is all about . . .

[Soonerbabeinbama]

I can only imagine what it's like to be a child of the Soonerovs.
But you can bet that they hear some great Dr. Seuss stories!!

[Czar Soonerov]

*POP*
Out of his a$s comes little fart Z.
Z is too small to hear,
so don't try, you cannot.
But Z is the fart that will burn all your snot.

Do you know where I saw him?
Do you where he was?
He was eating beans and cabbage in the tub, yes he was.
I pulled the drain and let it run out.
It left behind a big brown cat ring, it looked like brown ink!

:eddie:

[Viking Kitten]

I am the Lorax, I speak for the gas.
The gas in your tummy that you need to pass.
It isn't just air, it's methane you've got.
If you don't let it out, your insides will rot.

[IronSooner]

Tell us another one Czar, tell us another one!

[Sooner_Bob]

I fart, therefore I am.

[VeeJay]

Maltitol, the ingrdient in many sugar free chocolate products, will allow one to blast for 10-15 seconds at a time.

I had consumed too many Reese's SF Peanut Butter cups once and my wife looked at me like I had just blown up The Vatican.

[crawfish]

He does spend a lot of time in the bathroom with the door locked however

Are you sure he's not in there trying on your clothes? :texan:

[pb4ou]

best thread of the day...so far

[proud gonzo]

hmmmmm..... a wife who loves poo and a husband who doesn't fart or burp-- are you sure you didn't get the words "husband" and "wife" mixed up? :confused:

[olevetonahill]

Nope, he doesn't do anything weird or disgusting through or from his nose either.
I suppose your gonna say he dont pick it either, That just aint right
:eek:

[Kimberlyz4OU]

Oh SBIB mine doesn't either.........I've been married quite awhile also. I have heard him fart in his sleep tho, I have to giggle at that ;)

My sons on the other hand, VERY different story.

[C&CDean]

So, besides having a caca fetish, bama chick is also into necrophelia?

Twisted.

[Flagstaffsooner]

We need to send those non-farting "men" to re-education camps.

No more Oprah for them.

[slickdawg]

What's next? He doesn't scratch??

[Soonerbabeinbama]

I suppose your gonna say he dont pick it either, That just aint right
:eek:
Once again "no" - he doesn't pick and he doesn't scratch.

[slickdawg]

He's an alien.

[BlondeSoonerGirl]

Man, I was hoping Big Poppa would find this thread...

Heh.

[olevetonahill]

Once again "no" - he doesn't pick and he doesn't scratch.
He aint human. are you sure he hasnt been captured by a space ship and replaced ? :confused:

[C&CDean]

You people are slow.

She's ****ing a corpse fer-cryin-out-loud. And it must be a damned old one at that. New corpses still fart and burp for a while.

[Viking Kitten]

I draw the line at writing a poem called "Horton F***s a Corpse.

[Soonerbabeinbama]

hmmmmm..... a wife who loves poo and a husband who doesn't fart or burp-- are you sure you didn't get the words "husband" and "wife" mixed up? :confused:
and to top that off - he hates football!!:eek:

[C&CDean]

I draw the line at writing a poem called "Horton F***s a Corpse.

You made me chuckle on a Friday afternoon.:mack:

[olevetonahill]

and to top that off - he hates football!!:eek:
As usual Dean hits it right . The dude MUST be dead

[TopDaugIn2000]

I draw the line at writing a poem called "Horton F***s a Corpse.

thank you! :texan:

[slickdawg]

and to top that off - he hates football!!:eek:

Dean is so right

[BlondeSoonerGirl]

I draw the line at writing a poem called "Horton F***s a Corpse.

Aww, c'mon...I know I wanna hear it.

Don't be hiding and not dividin' the rhymes, yo...

[Pricetag]

Not farting in front of your spouse is like not farting in front of yourself, IMO. How are you supposed to be that close to someone but still be that reserved around them?

[Flagstaffsooner]

Not farting in front of your spouse is like not farting in front of yourself, IMO. How are you supposed to be that close to someone but still be that reserved around them?One of the true pleasures of a relationship is farting in bed and pulling the covers over her head.:O

[BeetDigger]

SBiB - keep sharp objects away from him cause the guy is going to pop. Farting and belching is what keeps us from becoming balloons.

[BeetDigger]

Once again "no" - he doesn't pick and he doesn't scratch.


Does he play with his hair when he is in the car at the stoplight?



A fact, women play with their hair when stopped at the stoplight because they don't have balls to scratch. Take a look around. Every woman is playing with her hair (or is holding the cell phone up to their ear). You never see a man's hands when stopped. Except if they are picking.

[GDC]

I didn't realize women farted until I was 25 or so.

[slickdawg]

I didn't realize women farted until I was 25 or so.


They do?

[crawfish]

It's a little-known fact to women that the sole reason men open the car door for them is so the guy can cut one loose when he's walking around to the other side.

[Harry Beanbag]

It's a little-known fact to women that the sole reason men open the car door for them is so the guy can cut one loose when he's walking around to the other side.


Dude, I do that all the time. :)

[Soonerbabeinbama]

Does he play with his hair when he is in the car at the stoplight?



A fact, women play with their hair when stopped at the stoplight because they don't have balls to scratch. Take a look around. Every woman is playing with her hair (or is holding the cell phone up to their ear). You never see a man's hands when stopped. Except if they are picking.
no to that too.
He does not burp and he does not fart
he does not pick and he does not scratch
He doesn't play with his hair

but speaking of scratching, I was at Subway yesterday - eating a nice leisurely lunch, and this man was standing at the chip rack making his selection and was just scratching himself to beat the band. Made me want to urp. Why in the name of all things good and righteous do you guys do that????? That is so nasty. We don't want to see you scratch your boys. Do they really itch? Are you thinking about it when you are doing it, or is it just instinct?

[mdklatt]

Do they really itch?

Sometimes, especially if it's humid. :eek:



Are you thinking about it when you are doing it, or is it just instinct?

Do you always think about scratching when you itch?

[Soonerbabeinbama]

Sometimes, especially if it's humid.

Dude - invest in some Gold Bond Powder


Do you always think about scratching when you itch?

If it is a private part that is itching, uh yeah....... I do think about it. I'm not going to start just gouging away at myself in public!!

[Rhino]

SBIB is married?

[mdklatt]

If it is a private part that is itching, uh yeah....... I do think about it. I'm not going to start just gouging away at myself in public!!

Most guys don't just start gouging away. We have secret moves we can try first.

[Oldnslo]

Why in the name of all things good and righteous do you guys do that?????
Because we can.

[Hamhock]

Heh! I love it. I'm gonna copy that and make it suitable for framing.
He does spend a lot of time in the bathroom with the door locked however - I'm glad, because he might just explode otherwise!

Does he tell you he was just combing his hair?

[Fugue]

Does he tell you he was just combing his hair?

OOOOOOOOOOOOHHHHHHHH GARY!

[BeetDigger]

Most guys don't just start gouging away. We have secret moves we can try first.



Amen.

We do things like turning away and reaching into our pocket and "fumbling" with the keys.

And in all honesty, when they itch, it takes more strength to not scratch them then for a recovering alcholic locked in a bar at night to not take a drink.

[mdklatt]

We do things like turning away and reaching into our pocket and "fumbling" with the keys.

And of course you can try The Lunge if you're wearing loose enough pants or especially shorts.




And in all honesty, when they itch, it takes more strength to not scratch them for Eddie Sutton locked in a bar at night to not take a drink.

:eddie:

[OUthunder]

You sure he's a male? Does he blame it on the dog?


Indeed. My 1st thought was gay.

[Soonerbabeinbama]

Well, this pussel-gutted Subway heartthrob was indeed gouging it. Staring at the chip rack the whole time - never missed a beat. He either had forgotten the "moves" or was too far gone for those.

[Soonerbabeinbama]

Indeed. My 1st thought was gay.
and so...... any man who doesn't have nasty habits is gay?

[mdklatt]

and so...... any man who doesn't have nasty habits is gay?

Almost certainly.

[Hamhock]

After being in the bathroom with the door locked for a long time, does he ever trick you into walking into the bathroom?

[Soonerbabeinbama]

Almost certainly.
hmmmmm- then that would explain a lot of things - his sewing fettish for one. But it has sure saved me a lot of money in clothes.

[Hamhock]

Does he offer to take you to the male review shows because "I know you enjoy it"?

[mdklatt]

hmmmmm- then that would explain a lot of things - his sewing fettish for one. But it has sure saved me a lot of money in clothes.

:D

[Soonerbabeinbama]

And of course you can try The Lunge if you're wearing loose enough pants or especially shorts.




:eddie:
go on - you have piqued my interest;)

[mdklatt]

go on - you have piqued my interest;)

I'm not sure I should be giving away our secret moves.

[C&CDean]

When I "gouge" myself it's not because my nuts itch.

It's because Gus is laying on the wrong side. Gus is a stiff Republican, and he's much more comfortable lying on the right side. Once in a while he gets shifted over to the left - and it just doesn't feel right. So, I move him back where he belongs.

It would be the equivalent of a tit popping out of a bra. Ain't comfortable.

Of course I rarely stand in front of a crowd and straighten Gus out. It embarrasses him.

[BeetDigger]

go on - you have piqued my interest;)


Lunging causes a tightening of the pants in the crotch area. By adjusting your lunge, you can get the seems to rub in the effected area and provide relief (albeit it can be temporary). To completely remove the itch, nothing works like a finger scatching however.

[BeetDigger]

Gus is stiff ...



TMI...

[Mjcpr]

Gus...... is much more comfortable lying on the right side.

Interesting. I'm a lefty.

I think there should be a pole about this...I've often wondered the percentages of the population.

[C&CDean]

Now you guys are grossing me out. Your nuts itch?

Have you tried that new invention they've got? It's called "soap." Mixed with water, and applied liberally with a washcloth - and then rinsed off with more water - it will pretty much prevent all that nastiness.

Y'all are a bunch of duckbutter and fumunda factories.

[Fugue]

Interesting. I'm a lefty.

I think there should be a pole about this...I've often wondered the percentages of the population.

CBS did one. Only 34% hang right.

[GDC]

I was about to say, if your junk itches or burns you've probably got more to worry about than your covert scratch technique.

[Fugue]

That is interesting though. Do you suppose it has anything to do with..er....uh..which marble dropped lower?

[mdklatt]

Lunging causes a tightening of the pants in the crotch area. By adjusting your lunge, you can get the seems to rub in the effected area and provide relief (albeit it can be temporary). To completely remove the itch, nothing works like a finger scatching however.

Even better, if you're wearing shorts (or even just boxers) you can give the boys a little breathing room to help with the situation.

[Fugue]

I was about to say, if your junk itches or burns you've probably got more to worry about than your covert scratch technique.

troof. Gold Bond doesn't kill everything.

[GDC]

Interesting. I'm a lefty.

I think there should be a pole about this...I've often wondered the percentages of the population.

That also depends on which way you jerk it.

[OUthunder]

Some of you need the Pen-VK.

[mdklatt]

Now you guys are grossing me out. Your nuts itch?



Only after I shave them.

[VeeJay]

Metrosexuals - all of you.

Or worse.

[Soonerbabeinbama]

It would be the equivalent of a tit popping out of a bra. Ain't comfortable...

I really don't think you can compare a tit popping out of a bra with your "gus" hanging to the right or left. First of all, I can't imagine what would make a tit pop out of a bra - on it's own of course.

[mdklatt]

I can't imagine what would make a tit pop out of a bra - on it's own of course.

Too much tit, not enough bra. :texan:

[Soonerbabeinbama]

Too much tit, not enough bra. :texan:
I didn't think there was any such thing as too much tit!!:eek:

[BeetDigger]

Too much tit, not enough bra. :texan:


Pic?

[mdklatt]

I didn't think there was any such thing as too much tit!!:eek:

There is from a bra's point of view. :cool:

[Flagstaffsooner]

Even Britney farts........

Oops I Farted it Again (http://www.farts.com/cgi-bin/ubb/ultimatebb.cgi?ubb=get_topic;f=11;t=000009;p=)

[proud gonzo]

I didn't think there was any such thing as too much tit!!:eek:

maybe your husband's a chick. that would explain everything.

[Viking Kitten]

There was no time to itch,
There was no time to scratch,
There was time for creams,
Dean's crab eggs had hatched.

Mrs. Dean rolled her eyes
As his complaints became louder:
"If I could walk that way sir,
I wouldn't need talcum powder."

[BeetDigger]

I didn't think there was any such thing as too much tit!!:eek:


Pic?

[handcrafted]

One of the true pleasures of a relationship is farting in bed and pulling the covers over her head.:O

dayum. I thought *I* was the only one who did that.

[Mjcpr]

I really don't think you can compare a tit popping out of a bra with your "gus" hanging to the right or left. First of all, I can't imagine what would make a tit pop out of a bra - on it's own of course.

Wardrobe malfunction.

[mdklatt]

There was no time to itch,
There was no time to scratch,
There was time for creams,
Dean's crab eggs had hatched.

Mrs. Dean rolled her eyes
As his complaints became louder:
"If I could walk that way sir,
I wouldn't need talcum powder."


Can't. Breathe.

IMSSRA

[BeetDigger]

... Mixed with water, and applied liberally with a washcloth - and then rinsed off with more water ...

So that's the story you tell the wife when she catches you "in the act" while taking shower. :texan:

[Soonerbabeinbama]

maybe your husband's a chick. that would explain everything.
hey, as long as "he" keeps sewing clothes for me - who cares?

[BeetDigger]

hey, as long as "he" keeps sewing clothes for me - who cares?


So that's what you kids are calling it these days.

[BlondeSoonerGirl]

I am learning a lot from this thread.

I'm a righty.

[mdklatt]

I'm a righty.

:eek:

[Soonerbabeinbama]

So that's what you kids are calling it these days.
uh no....... I'm afraid that's the truth. He is a dandy little seamstress!!

[BeetDigger]

I am learning a lot from this thread.

I'm a righty.

:eek:

This should be fun.

[handcrafted]

I'm not sure I should be giving away our secret moves.

You're getting close to the line, junior. Don't get yourself kicked out of the club.

[Soonerbabeinbama]

CBS did one. Only 34% hang right.
how are you guys able to walk around with all of that equipment anyway? Seems like it would be so uncomfortable.

[Czar Soonerov]

There was no time to itch,
There was no time to scratch,
There was time for creams,
Dean's crab eggs had hatched.

Mrs. Dean rolled her eyes
As his complaints became louder:
"If I could walk that way sir,
I wouldn't need talcum powder."

"Have no fear of those crabs"
Laughed the Cat in the Hat.
Why I can take crabs
Off balls. Just like that.

Do you know how he did it?
WITH MOTHER'S WHITE DRESS!
Now Dean's balls were all clean,
But her dress was a mess!

[slickdawg]

:eek:

I second that. :eek: :eek:

[handcrafted]

how are you guys able to walk around with all of that equipment anyway? Seems like it would be so uncomfortable.

I admit that getting into cars can be an issue, at times. Also barstools. Barstools can be problematic.

But, I have the same question regarding bewbs. Don't they get in the way?

[C&CDean]

An open letter to Dr. and Mrs. Czar VK Seusserov:

**** y'all.

Sincerely,

Dean

[Mjcpr]

how are you guys able to walk around with all of that equipment anyway? Seems like it would be so uncomfortable.

Maybe, but we can pee outside, almost never bleed from it and nothing any larger than a kidney stone (sorry Jed) is ever birthed from it.

As far as I'm concerned, we got the better deal. :D

[Soonerbabeinbama]

I admit that getting into cars can be an issue, at times.

But, I have the same question regarding bewbs. Don't they get in the way?
no, not normally. It's not really that hard to walk with bewbs.

Getting into cars?

[Viking Kitten]

Dean's crabs make him crabby
and so
so, so, so,
I suggest he stop going
to Ten Dollar ho's.

[handcrafted]

no, not normally. It's not really that hard to walk with bewbs.

Getting into cars?

In jeans which have not been properly adjusted.

[GottaHavePride]

I admit that getting into cars can be an issue, at times. Also barstools. Barstools can be problematic.

But, I have the same question regarding bewbs. Don't they get in the way?

[Peter Griffin] This is the greatest TV moment since Mr. Belvedere sat on his own nuts and fainted! [/Peter Griffin]

[C&CDean]

As one of my ex-employees (a 6-time married West Virginia redneck) always says:

"Why do women have periods, have jacked up hormones, cry for no good reason, and have to deal with the pain of childbirth?

"Cause they ****in' deserve it......."

[handcrafted]

I am learning a lot from this thread.

I'm a righty.

Gee...um...well...I always thought...what I mean is...aren't all girls...middlies?

[Mjcpr]

Gee...um...well...I always thought...what I mean is...aren't all girls...middlies?

Some of your more active 'ladies' are both-ers I'm pretty sure.

[BeetDigger]

how are you guys able to walk around with all of that equipment anyway? Seems like it would be so uncomfortable.


For sure, it's more difficult for some of us.

[handcrafted]

As one of my ex-employees (a 6-time married West Virginia redneck) always says:

"Why do women have periods, have jacked up hormones, cry for no good reason, and have to deal with the pain of childbirth?

"Cause they ****in' deserve it......."

Yah-huh. Tree. Snake. Fruit. "Here honey, try some of this, it's really good!"

Sheesh. :mad:

[BlondeSoonerGirl]

As one of my ex-employees (a 6-time married West Virginia redneck) always says:

"Why do women have periods, have jacked up hormones, cry for no good reason, and have to deal with the pain of childbirth?

"Cause they ****in' deserve it......."

Just for that I hope a brazillion fire ants establish a colony in the cracka yo a$$...

[BeetDigger]

Just for that I hope a brazillion fire ants establish a colony in the cracka yo a$$...


Forget that. We're still trying to understand that righty remark.

[handcrafted]

Just for that I hope a brazillion fire ants establish a colony in the cracka yo a$$...

That'd only be a drop in the bucket. :D

[Czar Soonerov]

Just for that I hope a brazillion fire ants establish a colony in the cracka yo a$$...

Mmmmm, chocolate covered ants!

:eek:

[GottaHavePride]

Just for that I hope a brazillion fire ants establish a colony in the cracka yo a$$...

Wait, I thought fire ants float in balls. Isn't that why they itch? ;)

[12]

...but he can sew a blindstitch like an Amish woman and his nails are perfect.

Oh, sorry... thought this was a "complete this sentence" thread.

[Soonerbabeinbama]

tighty righty

[BeetDigger]

Originally Posted by BlondeSoonerGirl

I'm a righty.



tighty righty


:eek:

[proud gonzo]

I admit that getting into cars can be an issue, at times. Also barstools. Barstools can be problematic.

But, I have the same question regarding bewbs. Don't they get in the way?

A friend of mine has an aunt who is 5' tall and weighs probably 100 lbs. She got implants and went from an A cup to a DD cup. Now they call her "Aunt Topples"

true story.

[BlondeSoonerGirl]

I was just being silly.

Or was I?

[BeetDigger]

A friend of mine has an aunt who is 5' tall and weighs probably 100 lbs. She got implants and went from an A cup to a DD cup. Now they call her "Aunt Topples"

true story.


Pic?

[proud gonzo]

Pic?
i've never even met her, sorry

[C&CDean]

Never had no South American fire ants in my butt, but I did get stung - multiple times - by Panamanian mud bees all over my body - including my crackage.

Alls I can say is those poor bees died a horrendous death.....

[12]

"mud bees"

heh

[BeetDigger]

i've never even met her, sorry


:mad:






:D

[slickdawg]

A friend of mine has an aunt who is 5' tall and weighs probably 100 lbs. She got implants and went from an A cup to a DD cup. Now they call her "Aunt Topples"

true story.

That's a pretty dramatic shift.

[bigdsooner]

My husband. I have been married for a gazillion years and I have never heard him burp or fart. NEVER!!!!! Now don't get me wrong, I'm not complaining by any means. I just think it is an extremely amazing phenomenon. So tell me guys - are there any more of you like this out there or.........am I married to an alien?

and your sure he's a dude :confused: ;) does he give reasons