Hatfield
2/13/2006, 05:06 PM
Cheney Alert
The government plans to establish a color-coded system to warn of future veep attacks
WEB-EXCLUSIVE SATIRE
By Andy Borowitz
Newsweek
Updated: 2:32 p.m. ET Feb. 13, 2006
Feb. 13, 2006 - Homeland Security Secretary Michael Chertoff announced today that his department would immediately implement a “Cheney Alert” system to warn Americans if an attack by the vice president is imminent.
The Department of Homeland Security has been under pressure to respond to the widespread panic and anxiety that have gripped the nation since Cheney shot and wounded a fellow quail hunter while on a hunting trip in Texas over the weekend.
Across the country, people have holed up in their homes and hoarded food and water, fearing another senseless attack by the gun-toting vice president.
“What we have learned, the hard way, is that Dick Cheney can attack without warning,” Chertoff said. “It is our hope that with this Cheney Alert system we will be able to give the American people some warning before he strikes again.”
The alert system, with five color-coded levels indicating the likelihood of another brutal pellet attack by the Vice President, was derided by some in Congress such as Sen. Joseph Biden (D-Del), who likened it to “closing the barn door after the horses have escaped.”
“The fact is, the White House already had ample warning that Dick Cheney was going to strike, and they sat on their hands and did nothing,” Biden said, referring to a Presidential Daily Brief dated February 4 with the title, “Dick Cheney Determined to Strike in U.S.”
Elsewhere, former Education Secretary William Bennett said that he was “outraged” that an NHL gambling ring has been in operation for five years and he was never invited to participate in it.
The government plans to establish a color-coded system to warn of future veep attacks
WEB-EXCLUSIVE SATIRE
By Andy Borowitz
Newsweek
Updated: 2:32 p.m. ET Feb. 13, 2006
Feb. 13, 2006 - Homeland Security Secretary Michael Chertoff announced today that his department would immediately implement a “Cheney Alert” system to warn Americans if an attack by the vice president is imminent.
The Department of Homeland Security has been under pressure to respond to the widespread panic and anxiety that have gripped the nation since Cheney shot and wounded a fellow quail hunter while on a hunting trip in Texas over the weekend.
Across the country, people have holed up in their homes and hoarded food and water, fearing another senseless attack by the gun-toting vice president.
“What we have learned, the hard way, is that Dick Cheney can attack without warning,” Chertoff said. “It is our hope that with this Cheney Alert system we will be able to give the American people some warning before he strikes again.”
The alert system, with five color-coded levels indicating the likelihood of another brutal pellet attack by the Vice President, was derided by some in Congress such as Sen. Joseph Biden (D-Del), who likened it to “closing the barn door after the horses have escaped.”
“The fact is, the White House already had ample warning that Dick Cheney was going to strike, and they sat on their hands and did nothing,” Biden said, referring to a Presidential Daily Brief dated February 4 with the title, “Dick Cheney Determined to Strike in U.S.”
Elsewhere, former Education Secretary William Bennett said that he was “outraged” that an NHL gambling ring has been in operation for five years and he was never invited to participate in it.