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Beano's Fourth Chin
3/31/2005, 03:45 PM
http://www.twincities.com/mld/twincities/entertainment/

Try to guess how many I want.

If you said, "a handful, you are right."

Man, his and one other guys are the only comedy central presents I've ever burned to dvd.

Sexy Sooner Angel
3/31/2005, 03:47 PM
Didn't a bunch of people on the board go and see him not that long ago?

Howzit
3/31/2005, 03:49 PM
BUMMER!

I have been listening to him on XM Comedy Central lately and he was/is hilarious.

Bad, bad deal. Rest easy, Mitch.

picasso
3/31/2005, 03:49 PM
he's funny, a bit ADDHD, but funny.

colleyvillesooner
3/31/2005, 03:49 PM
http://www.twincities.com/mld/twincities/entertainment/

Try to guess how many I want.

If you said, "a handful, you are right."

Man, his and one other guys are the only comedy central presents I've ever burned to dvd.


WOW. I loved this guy...Beano, who was the other one? You a fan of Brian Regan?

You ever get a sandwhich at a deli? They give you too much meat. He asked me "Anything else?" I said "Yes, a loaf of bread and some more people!"
"I played golf....I did not get a hole in one, but I did hit a guy and that's way more satisfying. Your supposed to yell FORE, but I was too busy mumbling that ain't no way that's gonna hit him."

"I like rice. Rice is great if your hungry and want 2000 of something."

Beano's Fourth Chin
3/31/2005, 03:53 PM
WOW. I loved this guy...Beano, who was the other one? You a fan of Brian Regan?

You ever get a sandwhich at a deli? They give you too much meat. He asked me "Anything else?" I said "Yes, a loaf of bread and some more people!"
"I played golf....I did not get a hole in one, but I did hit a guy and that's way more satisfying. Your supposed to yell FORE, but I was too busy mumbling that ain't no way that's gonna hit him."

"I like rice. Rice is great if your hungry and want 2000 of something."

Yeah I really like Regan, but the one we saved was Jim Gaffigan:

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0367615/

critical_phil
3/31/2005, 03:54 PM
fwiw, i thought mitch hedberg was one of the funniest mofo's ever.


also, for whatever reason, whenever i read a post from dolemite i read it as if mitch hedberg was saying it..........................




RIP mitch - i'll let you know if i find Dufrane, party of 2................

bri
3/31/2005, 03:55 PM
Man, that sucks.

Hard.

BlondeSoonerGirl
3/31/2005, 03:55 PM
'oooh - a frog. I want to pet it. And then put it in a mayonnaise jar with a stick and a leaf...'

That sucks.

colleyvillesooner
3/31/2005, 03:58 PM
Yeah I really like Regan, but the one we saved was Jim Gaffigan:

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0367615/

Yeah, I have him on my computer...Gaffigan, Hedberg, Regan, and Nick Swardson were the best Comedy Central Presents EVAR!!

picasso
3/31/2005, 03:59 PM
geez, I thought RIP was the name of a new disc.

too bad indeed.

Rhino
3/31/2005, 04:00 PM
Oh man.

:(

critical_phil
3/31/2005, 04:01 PM
some mitchisms........


I got an ant farm. Them fellas didn't grow ****.

Last week I helped my friend stay put. It's a lot easier than helping someone move. I just went over to his house and made sure that he did not start to load **** into a truck.

I got my hair highlighted, because I felt some strands were more important than others.

I want to be a race car passenger: just a guy who bugs the driver. "Say man, can I turn on the radio? You should slow down. Why do we gotta keep going in circles? Can I put my feet out the window? Man, you really like Tide..."

...and then at the end of the letter I like to write "P.S. - this is what part of the alphabet would look like if Q and R were eliminated.

I got in an argument with a girlfriend inside of a tent. That's a bad place for an argument, because then I tried to walk out, and had to slam the flap. How are you supposed to express your anger in this situation? Zip it up real quick?

I type a 101 words a minute. But it's in my own language.

I have an underwater camera just in case I crash my car into a river, and at the last minute I see a photo opportunity of a fish that I have never seen.

One time a guy handed me a picture of himself, and he said, "Here's a picture of me when I was younger." Every picture of you is of when you were younger. Here's a picture of me when I am older. You son of a bitch, how'd you pull that off? Let me see that camera...

Sometimes I wave to people I don't know. It is very dangerous to wave to people you don't know, because what if they don't have a hand? They'll think you're cocky. "Look what I got mother****er, this thing is useful...I'm gonna go pick something up"

My sister wanted to be an actress, but she never made it. She does live in a trailer. She got half way. She's an actress, she just never gets called to the set.

On a traffic light green means go and yellow means yield, but on a banana it's just the opposite. Green means hold on, yellow means go ahead, and red means where the **** did you get that banana at...

I'm against picketing, but I don't know how to show it.

I bought a seven dollar pen because I always lose pens and I got sick of not caring.

I bought a doughnut and they gave me a receipt for the doughtnut...I don't need a receipt for the doughnut - I give you money and you give me the doughnut, end of transaction. We don't need to bring ink and paper into this. I can't imagine a scenario that I would have to prove that I bought a doughnut. To some skeptical friend, Don't even act like I didn't buy a doughnut, I've got the documentation right here...

You know they call corn on the cob, corn on the cob, but that's how it comes out of the ground, man. They should call that corn, they should call every other version corn off the cob. It's not like if you cut off my arm you would call it Mitch. Then reattach it and call me Mitch-all-together...

2-in-1 is a bull**** term, because 1 is not big enough to hold 2. That's why 2 was created.

I have a cheese-shredder at home, which is its positive name. They don't call it by its negative name, which is sponge-ruiner. Because I wanted to clean it, and now I have little bits of sponge that would melt easily over tortilla chips...

I know a lot about cars. I can look at a car's headlights and tell you exactly which way it's coming.

I use the word totally too much. I need to change it up and use a word that is different but has the same meaning. Mitch do you like submarine sandwhiches? All-encompassingly...

II played golf...I did not get a hole in one, but I did hit a guy. That's way more satisfying......You're supposed to yell 'fore' but I kept thinking there ain't no way that's gonna hit him.

I have a friend who is a juggler. When I go to his house I don't like to take food from him if it is in threes. "He has three apples left...I guess I can't have one"

At my hotel room, my friend came over and asked to use the phone. I said "Certainly." He said "Do I need to dial 9?" I say "Yeah. Especially if it's in the number. You can try four and five back to back real quick."

My lucky number is four billion. That doesn't come in real handy when you're gambling. "Come on, four billion! ****. Seven. Not even close. I need more dice."

I love blackjack. But I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semi-circle.

I went to the park and saw this kid flying a kite. The kid was really excited. I don't know why, that's what they're supposed to do. Now if he had had a chair on the other end of that string, I would have been impressed.

If you had a friend who was a tightrope walker, and you were walking down a sidewalk, and he fell, that would be completely unacceptible...

I don't own a cell phone or a pager. I just hang around everyone I know, all the time. If someone needs to get ahold of me they just say, "Mitch," and I say, "what" and turn my head slightly...

I hope the next time I move I get a real easy phone number. Something like, 222-2222. I would say sweet. People would say, "Mitch, how do I get ahold of you?" I would say, "Press 2 for a while, and when I answer, you will know that you have pressed 2 enough"

I wrote a script for a guy, and he said he liked it but he thought that I need to rewrite it. I said, "**** that, I'll just make a copy."

I don't wear a watch because I want my arms to weigh the same. So if somebody asks me what time it is, I have to tell them something that is going on. "What time is it, Mitch?" "Uh, that guy is eating a hamburger." "****, I had to be somewhere..."

That would be cool if you could eat a good food with a bad food and the good food would cover for the bad food when it got to your stomach. Like you could eat a carrot with an onion ring and they would travel down to your stomach, then they would get there, and the carrot would say, "It's cool, he's with me."

I saw a six pack of soda-pop for $1.20. That price ****s with your head, man. Because then I though that I would start selling soda-pop. Suddenly I got things of pop with me. "What's going on, Mitch." "Not much, looking to buy some pop? Fifty cents a can. It's not refridgerated because this is a half assed commitment."

My friend said to me "Man, this weather is trippy." I said to him, "No man, perhaps it is not the weather that is trippy, it is the way we perceive it that is indeed trippy..." then I thought, man, I should have just said, 'yeah...'

I opened up a container of yogurt, and under the lid it said Please Try Again because they were having a contest I was unaware of. But I though I might have opened the yogurt wrong...or maybe Yoplait was trying to inspire me, 'c'mon, Mitchell, don't give up. Please try again. A message of inspiration from your friends at Yoplait. Fruit on the bottom, hope on top.

I think foosball is a combination of soccer and shishkabobs.

Foosball ****ed up my perception of soccer. I though you had to kick the ball and then spin 'round and round. I can't do a backflip, much less several simultaneously with two other guys.

I never joined the army because at ease was never that easy to me. Seemed rather uptight still. I don't relax by parting my legs slightly and putting my hands behind my back. That does not equal ease. At ease was not being in the military. I am at ease, bro, because I am not in the military.

The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how much I play, I'll never be as good as a wall. I played a wall once. They're ****ing relentless.

I think Pringles' initial intention was to make tennis balls. But on the day that the rubber was supposed to show up, a big truckload of potatoes arrived. But Pringles is a laid-back company. They said "**** it. Cut em up."

A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.

I used to be a hot-tar roofer. Yeah, I remember that...day.

An escalator can never break. It can only become stairs. You would never see an "Escalator Temporarily Out Of Order" sign, just "Escalator Temporarily Stairs. Sorry for the convenience."

Because of [dropping] Acid, I know now that butter is way better than margarine. I saw through the bull****.

I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.

I used to do drugs. I still do, but I used to, too.

My friend said to me, "You know what I like? Mashed potatoes." I was like, "Dude, you have to give me time to guess. If you're going to quiz me you have to insert a pause."

I went to see a band in New York. The lead singer got on the microphone, and he said "How many of you people feel like human beings tonight?" Then he said "How many of you feel like animals?" And everyone cheered after the animals part. But the thing is, I cheered after the human being part because I did not know that there was a second part to the question.

People teach their dogs to sit, it's a trick. I've been sitting my whole life, and a dog has never looked at me as though he thought I was tricky.

I like cinnimon rolls, but I don't always have time to make a pan. That's why I wish they would sell cinnimon roll incense. After all I'd rather light a stick and have my roommate wake up with false hopes.

I had a bag of fritos, they were texas grilled fritos. These fritos had grill marks on them. Hell yeah, reminds me of something, when we used to fire up the barbeque and throw down some fritos. I can still see my dad with the apron on, better flip that frito, dad, you know how I like mine.

In England Smoky the Bear is not the forest fire prevention representative. They have Smacky the Frog. It's just like a bear, but it's a frog. I think it's a better system, I think we should adopt it. Because bears can be mean, but frogs are always cool. Never has there been a frog hopping toward me, and I thought 'man, I'd better play dead. Here comes that frog...' You never say here comes that frog in a nervous manner. It's always optimistic. Hey here comes that frog, al-right. Maybe he'll come near me so I can pet him, and stick him in a mayonnaise jar, with a stick and a leaf, to recreate what he's used to. And I'm pretty sure I'd have to punch some holes in the lid, because he's damn sure used to air. Then I can observe him, and he won't be doing much in his 16 ounce world.

Alcoholism is a disease, but it's the only one you can get yelled at for having. Goddamn it Otto, you are an alcoholic. Goddamn it Otto, you have Lupis... one of those two doesn't sound right.

I was at this casino minding my own business, and this guy came up to me and said, "You're gonna have to move, you're blocking a fire exit." As though if there was a fire, I wasn't gonna run. If you're flammible and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit.

When you go to a restaurant on the weekends and it's busy they start a waiting list. They start calling out names, they say "Dufrane, party of two. Dufrane, party of two." And if no one answers they'll say their name again. "Dufrane, party of two, Dufrane, party of two." But then if no one answers they'll just go right on to the next name. "Bush, party of three." Yeah, what happened to the Dufranes. No one seems to give a ****. Who can eat at a time like this - people are missing. You ****ers are selfish....the Dufranes are in someone's trunk right now, with duct take over their mouths, and they're hungry. Bush, search party of three, you can eat when you find the Dufranes.

8timechamps
3/31/2005, 04:01 PM
BUMMER!

I have been listening to him on XM Comedy Central lately and he was/is hilarious.

Bad, bad deal. Rest easy, Mitch.

Seriously, he's been one of the best on XM Comedy. Probably the only guy I take note of and listen to when he was on.

RIP

BlindCajun
3/31/2005, 04:05 PM
This freakin' sucks. I'm devastated.

TopDawg
3/31/2005, 04:09 PM
I'm sad. Very sad. I was just thinking about him this morning. I mean, I was listening to his CD and thinking that there was a line I wanted to put in my signature.

"I have a shirt that's dry clean only. That means it's dirty."

That's not the line, but it's one of my faves.

Tear Down This Wall
3/31/2005, 04:47 PM
30 friggin' 7 years old, and to go like that.... Despair, I say.

SelmaBamaFan
3/31/2005, 05:13 PM
I loved this comedian from WAY back in the day. I never knew who he was but we used to listen to him on the way back from B'ham games. (it would cheer us up after we lose to teams like Southern Miss and stuff).

Anyways, he was going to be at the Improv in Baltimore tomorrow night and me and my best friend had tickets... needless to say I am very upset.

KaiserSooner
3/31/2005, 07:04 PM
Sucks.

But heart attack? At 37? Sounds dubious.


geez, I thought RIP was the name of a new disc.

too bad indeed.You weren't the only one. :(

colleyvillesooner
3/31/2005, 07:15 PM
It always comes in threes: Hedberg, Schiavo, Pope?

StoopTroup
3/31/2005, 07:16 PM
This one cracks me up...


The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how much I play, I'll never be as good as a wall. I played a wall once. They're ****ing relentless.

colleyvillesooner
3/31/2005, 07:33 PM
2-in-1 is a bull**** term, because 1 is not big enough to hold 2. That's why 2 was created.

Rhino
3/31/2005, 07:34 PM
I used to be a hot-tar roofer. Yeah, I remember that...day.

TopDawg
3/31/2005, 07:50 PM
I patted him on the back one time.

Kinda like real life 'spek.

TopDawg
3/31/2005, 09:30 PM
I've got a fire alarm. Or a nine-volt-battery-slowly-drainer. If you wanna slowly drain your nine-volt batteries, buy this circle.

mdklatt
3/31/2005, 10:25 PM
:D

And, :(

KaiserSooner
3/31/2005, 11:36 PM
He frequented The Tonight Show. I wonder if Jay'll mention anything.

KaiserSooner
3/31/2005, 11:48 PM
Well, the Great Be-chinned One hasn't said anything yet. I bet he says something at the end of the show.

Rhino
3/31/2005, 11:57 PM
The Tonight Show may have started taping before Mitch's death was made public.

TopDawg
4/1/2005, 12:17 AM
Didn't a bunch of people on the board go and see him not that long ago?

BlindCajun and I did. Rhino probably would've except he was able to go see him FOR FREE the night before. And then he was at OU like the very next night (for free again) and I think BlindCajun, Rhino and Sooner04 all saw him then. I only got to see him once in those three shows...the not free one...but, like I said, I got to pat him on the back so I'd say I came out ahead.

TopDawg
4/1/2005, 12:17 AM
He was on Letterman a lot too.

colleyvillesooner
4/1/2005, 12:20 AM
BlindCajun and I did. Rhino probably would've except he was able to go see him FOR FREE the night before. And then he was at OU like the very next night (for free again) and I think BlindCajun, Rhino and Sooner04 all saw him then. I only got to see him once in those three shows...the not free one...but, like I said, I got to pat him on the back so I'd say I came out ahead.

Who's the big winner?? Top Dawg! Top Dawg's the big winner! ;)

Rhino
4/1/2005, 12:21 AM
Free is my favorite.

TopDawg
4/1/2005, 12:24 AM
Free is my favorite.

You couple free with the fact that the drive to the free show was 20 minutes as opposed to a 2:30 hour drive to the pay show and you'd have to be stupid to choose the pay show. Unless you were going to like...I dunno...get to pat him on the back or something.

ou4me
4/1/2005, 01:28 PM
I just heard about this today. Mitch was a comic genious. Troubled, yes, but absolute genious. Sad, sad news. Be at peace, Mitch.

GDC
4/7/2005, 07:24 PM
I missed this thread, so I bumped it. I was sure there were some folks posting here that appreciated his talent. :(

colleyvillesooner
12/28/2005, 03:42 PM
http://www.cnn.com/2005/SHOWBIZ/TV/12/28/people.mitch.hedberg.ap/index.html

Report: Comedian died of overdose

picasso
12/28/2005, 03:47 PM
heart defect + drugs & alcohol = not good. sad.

TopDawg
12/29/2005, 07:27 PM
Did this just turn into an episode of Cold Case?

jk the sooner fan
1/18/2006, 04:07 PM
i guess i'm old because i had never heard this guy, but my youngest burned his act on a cd and we listened to it on the drive to okc monday evening

funny stuff....

i loved the "i was writing a letter to my dad and meant to write "really" but put "rarely" so i just said "i rarely drive steamboats"

heh

colleyvillesooner
1/18/2006, 04:11 PM
i guess i'm old because i had never heard this guy, but my youngest burned his act on a cd and we listened to it on the drive to okc monday evening

funny stuff....

i loved the "i was writing a letter to my dad and meant to write "really" but put "rarely" so i just said "i rarely drive steamboats"

heh

There's a lot of **** you don't know about me...

Good stuff

Check out his memorial t-Shirt from his website (http://www.mitchhedberg.net/shirts_memorial.html):
http://www.mitchhedberg.net/images/merch/shirts/memorial/memorial-front-black-tight.jpg

jk the sooner fan
1/18/2006, 04:13 PM
the one where he's mumbling, and his friend asks him to repeat himself twice....and he's yelling "those tree's are far away"

heh

colleyvillesooner
1/18/2006, 04:15 PM
Make sure you get a hold of both of his CD's and his Comedy Central Special.

12
1/18/2006, 04:16 PM
Oh man, that sucks.

I don't get out much.

Hot Rod
1/18/2006, 04:33 PM
Awesome pic...that's too funny!

I like his bit about his sister's family portrait when the picture was taken everyone looked "slightly left as if something interesting was happening over there"

OUstudent4life
1/18/2006, 04:33 PM
How can you eat at a time like this. People are MISSING!

TUSooner
1/18/2006, 04:33 PM
I never heard of this guy until just before he died last year, sort-of like I never truly discovered the Beatles until they broke. So anyway, I went to the Wikipedia site for him, and there's a ton of his stuff. It's killin me; I have tears from laughing.

http://en.wikiquote.org/wiki/Mitch_Hedberg

picasso
1/18/2006, 04:37 PM
fish eat each other, if fish could talk the ocean would be loud as ****, it would sound like "ahhhhhh @#$&! I thought I looked like that rock!":D

colleyvillesooner
1/18/2006, 04:41 PM
There is a commercial on late-night TV for this thing you attach to a garden hose. It says, "You can water your hard-to-reach plants with this product." Who the **** would make their plants hard to reach!? That seems so very mean. "I know you need water, but I'm gonna make you hard to reach. I will throw water at you. Hopefully, they will invent a product before you shrivel and die. Think like a cactus! This product was available for four easy payments of $19.95. I would like a product that was available for three easy payments and one ****ing complicated payment. We can't tell you which payment it is, but one of these payments is going to be a bitch. The mailman will get shot to death, the envelope will not seal, and the stamp will be in the wrong denomination. Good luck, ****er. The last payment must be made in wampum!

mdklatt
1/18/2006, 04:44 PM
Playing golf:


I hit a guy in one. What's par for hitting a guy? One. If you hit a guy in two, you are an ***hole.

:D :D :D

Hot Rod
1/18/2006, 04:44 PM
There is a commercial on late-night TV for this thing you attach to a garden hose. It says, "You can water your hard-to-reach plants with this product." Who the **** would make their plants hard to reach!? That seems so very mean. "I know you need water, but I'm gonna make you hard to reach. I will throw water at you. Hopefully, they will invent a product before you shrivel and die. Think like a cactus! This product was available for four easy payments of $19.95. I would like a product that was available for three easy payments and one ****ing complicated payment. We can't tell you which payment it is, but one of these payments is going to be a bitch. The mailman will get shot to death, the envelope will not seal, and the stamp will be in the wrong denomination. Good luck, ****er. The last payment must be made in wampum!

LOL!!! Never heard that joke of his, but I can see him totally saying all that. That's so true!