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Beano's Fourth Chin
2/18/2005, 01:07 PM
Why do blondes have little holes all over their faces?
From eating with forks.

Viking Kitten
2/18/2005, 01:08 PM
Ha Ha. So funny I forgot to laugh, Mr. Big Shot Admin-guy.

Beano's Fourth Chin
2/18/2005, 01:10 PM
Q. Why does an admin smile in a lightning storm?
A. They think their getting their picture taken.

SoonerInKCMO
2/18/2005, 01:11 PM
You missed my post with the Viking shoes while you were out illin'

You would've liked them.


ETA: That was meant for VK, of course.

Viking Kitten
2/18/2005, 01:15 PM
Lemme be, you racially-insensitive mofo.

OU4LIFE
2/18/2005, 01:19 PM
What do black Smurf's call each other?

Smigger.

Viking Kitten
2/18/2005, 01:22 PM
What do you call a smurf's ***? Blue moon.

OU4LIFE
2/18/2005, 01:22 PM
smigger please!

C&CDean
2/18/2005, 01:23 PM
Why does Kermit's finger smell like pork?

mdklatt
2/18/2005, 01:24 PM
FYI, jokes are supposed to be funny.

Czar Soonerov
2/18/2005, 01:24 PM
What does papa smurf get when Smurfette won't put out?

Blue Balls.

OU4LIFE
2/18/2005, 01:27 PM
Why did Princess Diana cross the road?

She wasn't wearing her seatbelt.

(where do I get my Hell ticket?)

OU4LIFE
2/18/2005, 01:28 PM
FYI, jokes are supposed to be funny.

I don't get it..... can you explain the punchline to me?

mdklatt
2/18/2005, 01:29 PM
What do you call a gay dinosaur? Megasaurass.

What do you call a lesbian dinosaaur? Lickalottapus.

Sooner51
2/18/2005, 01:30 PM
What do you call 2 lesbians in a canoe?

Furtraders.

Viking Kitten
2/18/2005, 01:31 PM
What's the difference between an Irish wedding and an Irish funeral? One less drunk.

Howzit
2/18/2005, 01:31 PM
Jesus and Saint Peter are golfing. St. Peter steps up to the tee on a par three and hits one long and straight. It reaches the green. Jesus is up next. He slices it. It heads over the fence into traffic on an adjacent street. Bounces off a truck, onto the roof of a nearby shack and into the rain gutter, down the drain spout and onto a lilly pad at the edge of a lake. A frog jumps up and snatches the ball in his mouth. An eagle swoops down, grabs the frog. As the eagle flies over the green, the frog croaks and drops the ball. It’s in the hole. Saint Peter looks at Jesus, exasperated. "Are you gonna play golf?" he asks "Or are you just gonna **** around?"

OU4LIFE
2/18/2005, 01:37 PM
A man and a woman are riding next to each other in first class.
The man sneezes, pulls out his penis and wipes the tip off. The woman
can't believe what she just saw and decides she is hallucinating.

A few minutes pass. The man sneezes again. He pulls out his penis
and wipes the tip off. The woman is about to go nuts. She can't
believe that such a rude person exists.

A few more minutes pass. The man sneezes yet again. He takes his
penis out and wipes the tip off.

The woman has finally had enough. She turns to the man and says,
"Three times you've sneezed, and three times you've removed your
penis from your pants to wipe it off! What kind of degenerate are
you?"

The man replies, "I am sorry to have disturbed you, ma'am. I have a
very rare condition such that when I sneeze, I have an orgasm."

The woman, now feeling badly, says, "Oh, I'm sorry. What are you
taking for it?"

The man looks at her and says, "Pepper."

Howzit
2/18/2005, 01:40 PM
A guy enters bar carrying an alligator. Says to the patrons, "Here’s a deal. I'll open this alligator's mouth and place my genitals inside. The gator will close his mouth for one minute, then open it, and I'll remove my unit unscathed. If it works, everyone buys me drinks." The crowd agrees. The guy drops his pants and puts his privates in the gator's mouth. Gator closes mouth. After a minute, the guy grabs a beer bottle and bangs the gator on the top of its head. The gator opens wide, and he removes his genitals unscathed. Everyone buys him drinks. Then he says: "I'll pay anyone $100 who's willing to give it a try." After a while, a hand goes up in the back of the bar. It's a woman. "I'll give it a try," she says, "but you have to promise not to hit me on the head with the beer bottle."

KC//CRIMSON
2/18/2005, 01:40 PM
What do you call a vegetarian with diarrhea?

Salad Shooter

OU4LIFE
2/18/2005, 01:43 PM
There were two factories in New York City. One of them made maternity
frocks for expectant mothers, so they were called the "Mother
Frockers".
The factory across the street made corks for wine bottles. They had to
soak the corks before they could put them into the bottles, so they
were called the "Cork Soakers".
One day a Cork Soaker didn't soak a cork long enough and it flew out
of one of the bottles and hit one of the Mother Frockers in the eye.
That made all the Mother Frockers mad at the Cork Soakers, so they
went outside and had the biggest Mother-Frocking Cork Soaking fight
you ever saw...

IB4OU2
2/18/2005, 01:45 PM
Dave works hard at the plant and spends most evenings bowling or playing
basketball at the gym.
His wife thinks he is pushing himself too hard, so for his birthday
she takes him to a local strip club.
The doorman at the club greets them and says, "Hey, Dave! How ya doin?"
His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before.
"Oh no," says Dave. "He's on my bowling team."
When they are seated, a waitress asks Dave if he'd like his usual
and brings over a Budweiser.
His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says,
"How did she know that you drink Budweiser?"
"She's in the Ladies' Bowling League, honey. We share lanes with them."
A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around
Dave, starts to rub herself all over him and says
"Hi Davey. Want your usual table dance, big boy?"
Dave's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club.
Dave follows and spots her getting into a cab.
Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her.
Dave tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him
for someone else, but his wife is having none of it.
She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every
4 letter word in the book.
The cabby turns around and says,
"Geez Dave, you picked up a real bitch this time".

Flagstaffsooner
2/18/2005, 01:45 PM
What do you call two gays named Bob?

Oral Roberts.

C&CDean
2/18/2005, 01:48 PM
What do you call an Ethiopian with a yeast infection?

Quarter-pounder with cheese.

mdklatt
2/18/2005, 01:48 PM
Irish gay couple: Michael Fitzpatrick and Patrick Fitzmichael.

Beano's Fourth Chin
2/18/2005, 01:49 PM
gee beano, what a great idea for a thread!

OU4LIFE
2/18/2005, 01:49 PM
A guy walked into a pub and immediately noticed a young lady at the
bar on her own. After a couple of drinks he decided to offer her a
drink and make small talk. She accepted.
"What's your name?" he asked her.
"Carmen," she replied.
"That's a nice name. Did your mother or father name you that?"
"Neither. I changed my name when I was eighteen from Sharon to
Carmen."
"Why did you do that?" he asked.
"Well," she explained, "I like men and I like cars, so that is how I
got my name. What's your name?"
"Beer*****," the man replied.

OU4LIFE
2/18/2005, 01:50 PM
gee beano, what a great idea for a thread!

you're the bestest.

C&CDean
2/18/2005, 01:50 PM
Why did Helen Keller masturbate with one hand?

She was busy moaning with the other.

Howzit
2/18/2005, 01:52 PM
Charlie has sat on the same seat at the same bar and ordered the same drink for 15 years. One night he walks in and sits down. The bartender says "The usual, Charlie?"

Charlie answers, "Naw, give me a club soda with lime."

The bartender is incredulous. He says, "Charlie, you've sat on the same seat and ordered Jack on the rocks for as long as I can remember. What gives?"

Charlie says, "Man I overdid it last night. I barely remember leaving, barely remember the trip home, and when I got there I blew Chunks."

The bartender says "Wow that's rough, but don't beat yourself up."

Charlie says "You don't understand. Chunks is my dog."

Flagstaffsooner
2/18/2005, 01:53 PM
What do Woody Allen, Kodak film and Arm & Hammer baking soda have in common?

They all come in little yellow boxes.

IB4OU2
2/18/2005, 01:53 PM
An Irish daughter had not been to back home for over 5 years.

Upon her return, her father cussed her; " Where have you been all this time, you ingrate! Why didn't you write us, not even a line to let us know how you were doing? Why didn't you call? You little tramp! Don't you know what you put your old Mum through??!!"

The girl, crying, replied, "Sniff, sniff... Dad... I became a prostitute..."

"WHAT!!? Out of here, you shameless harlot! Sinner! You're a disgrace to this family - I don't ever want to see you again!"

"OK, Dad. I just came home to give Mom this luxury fur coat, title deeds to a ten bed-roomed mansion, plus a savings account certificate for 5 million. For me little brother, this gold Rolex, and for you Daddy, the spanking new Mercedes limited edition convertible that's parked outside, plus a lifetime membership to the Country Club...(takes a breath)...and an invitation for you all to spend New Years' Eve on board my new yacht in the Riviera, and...."

"Now what was it you said you had become?", the father said.


Girl, crying again, "Sniff, sniff... A prostitute Dad! ... Sniff, sniff"

"Oh! Be Jesus! - you scared me half to death, girll! I thought you said a Protestant. Come here and give your old man a hug!"

Howzit
2/18/2005, 01:53 PM
whuh?

mdklatt
2/18/2005, 01:59 PM
What do Woody Allen, Kodak film and Arm & Hammer baking soda have in common?

They all come in little yellow boxes.

:eek:

OU4LIFE
2/18/2005, 02:02 PM
I can see this thread getting out of hand rather quickly.

Nice going Beano....start another thread that will have to be locked.

Howzit
2/18/2005, 02:03 PM
I expected more from an admin.

OU4LIFE
2/18/2005, 02:05 PM
didn't we all?

proud gonzo
2/18/2005, 02:06 PM
Why was the blonde's navel bruised?

He boyfriend was blonde too.

Howzit
2/18/2005, 02:06 PM
Mjcpr would be REALLY disappointed.

OU4LIFE
2/18/2005, 02:40 PM
Luckily he never reads "Smack Central".

HoserSooner
2/18/2005, 04:25 PM
What do you call a gay bar with no chairs?

A Fruit Stand.

What do you call a homosexual with diarrhea?

A Juicy Fruit.

jrboomersooner
2/18/2005, 05:25 PM
Whats the difference between a blonde and a washing machine?


A washing machine doesn't stalk you for a week after you put a load in it.

sooner n houston
2/19/2005, 09:59 PM
A guy goes over to his friend's house, rings the bell and the wife answers. " Hi, is Tony home?" " No, he went to the store." "Well, you mind if I wait?" " No, come in." They sit down and the friend says "You know Nora, you have the greatest breasts I have ever seen. I'd give you a hundred bucks if I could just see one." Nora thinks about this for a second and figures what the hell a hundred bucks. She opens her robe and shows one. He promptly thanks her and throws a hundred bucks on the table. They sit there a while longer and Chris says, "They are so beautiful I've got to see the both of them. I'll give you another hundred bucks if I could just see the both of them together." Nora thinks about this and thinks what the hell, opens her robe, and gives Chris a nice long look. Chris thanks her, throws another hundred bucks on the table, and then says he can't wait any longer and leaves. A while later Tony arrives home and his wife says, "You know, your weird friend Chris came over." Tony thinks about this for a second and says, "Well did he drop off the 200 bucks he owes me?"

sooner n houston
2/19/2005, 10:00 PM
A blind man is walking down the street with his seeing-eye dog one day. They come to a busy intersection, and the dog, ignoring the high volume of traffic zooming by on the street, leads the blind man right out into the thick of traffic. This is followed by the screech of tires and horns blaring as panicked drivers try desperately not to run the pair down. The blind man and the dog finally reach the safety of the sidewalk on the other side of the street, and the blind man pulls a cookie out of his coat pocket which he offers to the dog. A passerby, having observed the near fatal incident, can't control his amazement and says to the blind man, "Why on earth are you rewarding your dog with a cookie? He nearly got you killed!" The blind man turns partially in his direction and replies, "To find out where his head is, so I can kick his ***."

sooner n houston
2/19/2005, 10:01 PM
A drunken man staggers in to a Catholic Church, sits down in a Confession box and says nothing. The priest is waiting and waiting and waiting. Finally, the bewildered priest coughs to attract the drunk's attention, but still the man says nothing. Then, the priest then knocks on the wall three times in a final attempt to get the man to speak. Finally, the drunk replies: "No use knockin, pal, there's no paper in this one either."

sooner n houston
2/19/2005, 10:01 PM
A husband, tired of his wife asking him how she looks, buys her a full-length mirror. This does little to help, as now she just stands in front of the mirror, looking at herself, asking him how she looks. One day, fresh out of the shower, she is yet again in front of the mirror, now complaining that her breasts are too small. Uncharacteristically, the husband comes up with a suggestion. "If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of toilet paper, and rub it between your breasts for a few seconds. "Willing to try anything, the wife fetches a piece of toilet paper, and stands in front of the mirror, rubbing it between her breasts. "How long will this take?” she asks.
"They'll grow larger over a period of years," he replies. The wife stops. "Why do you think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my breasts every day will make my breasts grow over the years?" she asks. The husband shrugs. "Why not, it worked for your butt, didn't it?"

sooner n houston
2/19/2005, 10:03 PM
A True Southern...

At the 1997 World Women's Conference the first speaker from England stood up: "At last years' conference we spoke about being more assertive with our husbands. Well, after the conference I went home and told my husband that, I would no longer cook for him and that he would have to do it himself. After the first day I saw nothing. After the second day I saw nothing. But after the third day I saw that he had cooked a wonderful roast lamb"

The crowd cheered.

The second speaker from France stood up: "After last years' Conference I went home and told my husband that I would no longer do his laundry and that he would have to do it himself. After the first day I saw nothing. After the second day I saw nothing. But after the third day I saw that he had done not only his own washing, but my washing as well."

The crowd cheered.

The third speaker from Alabama stood up: "After last years' Conference I went home and told my husband that I would no longer do his cooking,
cleaning or shopping and that he would have to do it himself. After the first day I saw nothing. After the second day I saw nothing. But after the third day I could see a little bit out of my left eye.

sooner n houston
2/19/2005, 10:05 PM
An Irishman's been drinking at a pub all night. The bartender finally says that the bar is closing. So the Irishman stands up to leave and falls flat on his face. He tries to stand one more time, same result. He figures he'll crawl outside and get some fresh air and maybe that will sober him up. Once outside he stands up and falls flat on his face. So he decides to crawl the 4 blocks to his home and when he arrives at the door he stands up and falls flat on his face. He crawls through the door into his bedroom. When he reaches his bed he tries one more time to stand up. This time he manages to pull himself upright but he quickly falls right into bed and is sound asleep as soon as his head hits the pillow. He awakens the next morning to his wife standing over him shouting at him. "So, you've been out drinking again!" "What makes you say that?" He asks as he puts on an innocent look. "The pub called, you left your wheelchair there again."

sooner n houston
2/19/2005, 10:11 PM
Q: How do you keep your blonde secretary occupied?
A: Give her a bag of M&M's and tell her to alphabetize them.

Q: What do you call it when a blonde drives down the street with her
Head out the window?
A: Refueling.

Q: Why can't blondes take coffee breaks?
A: They're too hard to retrain.

Q: What do you call nine blondes standing in a circle?
A: A dope ring.

Q: Why can't blondes be pharmacists?
A: They can't get the bottle in the typewriter.

Q: What's the definition of eternity?
A: Four blondes at a Four-way stop.

Q: What do you call five blondes at the bottom of the ocean?
A: An air pocket.

Q: What did the blonde say when she looked into a box of Cheerios?
A: "Oh look! Donut seeds!"

Q: Why do Blondes have TGIF on their shirts?
A: This Goes In front.

Q: Hear about the blonde that got an AM radio?
A: It took her a month to realize she could play it at night.

Q: What happened to the blonde ice hockey team?
A: They drowned in spring training.

Q: Why do blondes like lightning?
A: They think someone is taking their picture.

Q: Why did the blonde scale the chain-link fence?
A: To see what was on the other side.

Q: How do you make a blonde laugh on Saturday?
A: Tell her a joke on Wednesday.

Q: Why did the blonde stare at frozen orange juice?
A: Because it said 'concentrate'.








************************************************** *********
A blonde went in to the hairdresser to get her hair cut. She was
Wearing headphones. When the hairdresser asked her to remove them, she told them she couldn't. The hairdresser told her she would have to take them off in order to get a good haircut and she said, "I can't. The doctor said if I take them off I will die." So the hairdresser proceeded to cut her hair with the headphones on. In the process, she accidentally knocked them off and the lady fell over dead. They were startled and couldn't figure out why that would have happened. They picked up the headphones to listen and heard a voice saying, "Breathe in-breathe out, breath in-breathe out."

************************************************** *********
A stewardess encountered a blonde sitting in the first class section
with a business class ticket. She told her she would not be able to sit in that section and the blonde refused to move. She said, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful and I'm going to New York and you can't make me move." The stewardess went to the head steward who went to the lady and again asked her to move because she was sitting in the first class section and didn't belong there. Again the lady said, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful and I'm going to New York and you can't make me move." Finally, in exasperation they went to the pilot and explained the situation. He replied, "Oh, I can take care of that. My wife is a blonde." He went back and whispered to the lady and she immediately got up and walked back to the business section. The others were curious as to why she responded so fast to him and asked for an explanation. The pilot said, "Oh, it was simple, I just told her that the first class section wasn't going to New York."

************************************************** *********
Two blondes were walking through the woods and they came to some tracks. The first blond said "These look like deer tracks," and the other one said, "No, they look like moose tracks." They argued and argued for a while and they were still arguing when the train hit them.

************************************************** *********
Two blondes were in a parking lot trying to unlock the door of their Mercedes with a coat hanger. They tried and tried to get the door open, but they couldn't. The girl with the coat hanger stopped for a moment to catch her breath and her friend said anxiously, "Hurry up! It's starting to rain and the top is down."
************************************************** *********
A young blonde woman is distraught because she fears her husband is having an affair, so she goes to a gun shop and buys a handgun. The next day she comes home to find her husband in bed with a beautiful redhead. She grabs the gun and holds it to her own head. The husband jumps out of bed, begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself. Hysterically the blonde responds to the husband, "shut up... you're next!"
************************************************** *********
A blonde woman competed with a brunette woman and a redheaded woman in the BreastStroke division of an English Channel swim competition. The brunette came in first, the redhead second. The blonde woman finally reached shore completely exhausted. After being revived with blankets and coffee she remarked, "I don't want to complain, but I think those other two girls used their arms!"
************************************************** *********
SHE WAS SO BLONDE THAT...
1. When she was on the highway going to the airport and saw a sign that said airport left, she turned around and went home.
2. She put lipstick on her forehead because she wanted to make up her mind.
3. She told me to meet her at the corner of WALK & DON'T WALK.
4. She sent me a fax with a stamp on it.
5. She thought a quarterback was a refund.
6. If you gave her a penny for intelligence, you would get change back.
7. They had to burn the school down to get her out of third grade.
8. Under education on her job application, she put Hooked on Phonics.
9. She tripped over a cordless phone.
10. At the bottom of the application where it says 'sign here' she put Sagittarius.
11. It takes her two hours to watch 60 minutes.
12. If she spoke her mind, she would have nothing to say.
13. She studied for a blood test and failed.
14. She thought Boyz II Men was a daycare center.
15. She sold the car for gas money.
16. When she saw the NC17 (under 17 not admitted) sign, she went home and got 16 friends.
17. She heard that 90% of all crimes occur around the home, so she moved.
18. She thinks Taco Bell is the Mexican Phone Company.

************************************************** ********
A blonde hurries into the hospital emergency room late one night with the tip of her index finger shot off. "How did this happen?" the emergency room doctor asked her. "Well, I was trying to commit suicide," the blonde replied. "What??" sputtered the doctor. "You tried to commit suicide by shooting off the tip of your finger?" "No, silly!" the blonde said. "First I put the gun to my chest, and I thought 'I just paid $6000 for these, I'm not shooting myself in the chest.'" "So, then?" asked the doctor. "Then I put the gun in my mouth, and I thought, 'I just paid $3000 to get my teeth straightened, I'm not shooting myself in the mouth.'" "So, then?" "Then I put the gun to my ear, and I thought 'This is going to make a loud noise,' so I put my finger in the other ear before I pulled the trigger."


Blonde’s understanding of Y2K

I hope I haven't misunderstood your instructions. Because to be
honest, none of the Y to K problem makes any sense to me. At any
rate I have finished converting all the months on all my calendars so that the year 2000 is ready to go with the following new months and days:
Januark, Februark, March, April, Mak, June, Julk, August,
September, October, November, December.
Mondak, Tuesdak, Wednesdak, Thursdak, Fridak, Saturdak, Sundak.
************************************************** *********************
A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead are scheduled to be executed in front of a firing squad. The brunette is first and as the squad leader is saying, "ready, aim..." the brunette screams "Tornado". Everyone runs for cover and she escapes. The redhead is next and as the squad leader is saying, "ready, aim..." she yells "earthquake". Everyone runs for cover and she escapes. Finally the blond comes up and as the squad leader is saying, "ready, aim..." the blond yells "fire". So they do.

There was a brunette who was jumping back and forth across some railroad tracks. Each time she would jump, she would say 21… 21… 21… A beautiful blonde walks by and sees the brunette. She say’s that looks like fun! So, she starts jumping back and forth over the tracks saying, 21… 21… 21… Soon, a train comes along. The brunette jumps clear of the tracks; the train splatters the blonde. The brunette gets back on the tracks and starts jumping back and forth saying 22… 22… 22…

A young blonde on vacation in Louisiana wanted a pair of genuine alligator shoes, but was reluctant to pay high New Orleans prices. "I'll just catch my own alligator," she told one Shopkeeper, "so I can get a pair for free." She stomped out of the store and headed for the swamp. Later, as the shopkeeper drove home, he spotted the blonde standing waist - deep in a bayou, shotgun in hand, with a huge alligator closing in.
She took aim and shot the creature between the eyes. The shopkeeper watched in amazement as she struggled to haul the carcass onto an embankment where several other dead alligators were lined up. "Oh, no!" the blonde shouted in dismay. "This
one isn't wearing shoes either!"

A blonde puts three-quarters in a coke machine, pushes the coke button, and gets a coke. She puts in another three-quarters, pushes Mt. Dew and gets Mt. Dew. After a while she has quite a few cokes. Just then a lady walks by and asks her what she is doing. The blonde reply’s, "I'm winning!"

What do you do if a blonde throws a pin at you?
Run, she's got a grenade in her mouth!


A man's blonde wife decides one day that she is sick and tired of all these blonde jokes and how all blondes are perceived as stupid, so she decides to show her husband that blondes really are smart. While her husband is off at work, she decides that she is going to paint a couple of rooms in the house. The next day, right after her husband leaves for work, she gets down to the task at hand. Her husband arrives home at 5:30 and smells the distinctive smell of paint. He walks into the living room and finds his wife lying on the floor in a pool of sweat. He notices that she is wearing a ski jacket and a fur coat at the same time. He goes over and asks her if she is OK. She replies yes. He asks what she is doing. She replies that she wanted to prove to him that not all blonde women are dumb and she wanted to do it by painting the house. He then asks her why she has a ski jacket and a fur coat on. She replies that she was following the directions on the paint can and they said, FOR
BEST RESULTS, PUT ON TWO COATS!

A Blonde and a brunette were walking outside and the brunette looked down and said, "Oh how sad look a dead bird!" and then the Blonde looked up and said, "Where?"

A brunette goes to the doctor and as she touches every part of her body with her finger she says, "Doctor it hurts everywhere. My leg hurts, my arm hurts, my neck hurts, and even my head hurts!" The doctor asks, "Where you ever a Blonde?" "Yes I was." she replies. "Why do you ask?" The doctor answers, "because your finger is broken!"

How do you get a twinkle in a Blonde's eye? Shine a flashlight in her ear.

Why don't Blondes like making KOOL-AID? Because they can't fit 8 cups of water in the little packet.

Did you hear about the two Blondes that were found frozen to death in their car at the drive-in Movie Theater? They went to see "Closed for winter"

Why won't they hire Blondes as pharmacists? They keep breaking the prescription bottles in the typewriters.

A blond, a redhead and a brunette rob a bank. Well they hide in a barn. The redhead runs into a doghouse, the brunette into a barrel, and the blonde in a potato sack. The authorities come and they knock on the doghouse and the redhead makes a dog barking sound. They go and say it is okay it is a sick dog. Well they hit the barrel and the brunette makes a meowing sound. They say it was a dumb cat. Then they kick the potato sack and the blonde goes PO-TA-TO.

What do you call a blonde with 2 brain cells?
Gifted or pregnant.

BLONDE ON A DIET
A blonde is terribly overweight, so her doctor puts her on a diet. "I want you to eat regularly for two days, then skip a day, and repeat this procedure for two weeks. The next time I see you, you'll have lost at least five pounds." When the blonde returns, she's lost nearly 20 pounds. "Why, that's amazing!" the doctor says. "Did you follow my instructions?" The blonde nods. "I'll tell you, though, I thought I was going to drop dead that third day." "From hunger, you mean?" "No, from skipping."

A blonde tried to sell her old car. She was having a lot of problems selling it, because the car had 250,000 miles on it. One day, she told her problem to a brunette she worked with at a salon. The brunette told her, "There is a possibility to make the car easier to sell, but it's not legal." "That doesn't matter," replied the blonde, "if I only can sell the car." "Okay," said the brunette. "Here is the address of a friend of mine. He owns a car repair shop. Tell him I sent you and he will turn the counter in your car back to 50,000 miles. Then it should not be a problem to sell your car anymore." The following weekend, the blonde made the trip to the mechanic. About one month after that, the brunette asked the blonde, "Did you sell your car?" "No," replied the blonde, "why should I? It only has 50,000 miles on it."

A woman wants the inside of her house painted, and she calls a contractor in to help her. They wander around the house as she points out the colors she wants. She says, "Now in the living room, I'd like to have a neutral beige, very soft and warm." The contractor nods, pulls out his pad of paper, and writes on it. Then he goes to the window, leans out and yells "Green side up!" The woman is most perplexed, but she lets it slide. They wander into the next room. She says, "In the dining room, I'd like a light white not stark, but very bright and airy. The contractor nods, pulls out his pad of paper, and writes on it. Then he goes to the window leans out and yells "Green side up!" The woman is even more perplexed, but still she lets it slide. They wander further into the next room. She says, "In the bedroom, I'd like blue. Restful, peaceful, cool blue." The contractor nods, pulls out his pad of paper, and writes on it. Then again he goes to the window, leans out, and yells "Green side up!" This was too much. The woman had to ask. So she says, "Every time I tell you a color, you write it down, but then you yell out the window 'Green Side Up'. What on earth does that mean?" The contractor shakes his head and says, "I have four blondes laying sod across the street."

GottaHavePride
2/20/2005, 03:49 AM
A Blonde and a brunette were walking outside and the brunette looked down and said, "Oh how sad look a dead bird!" and then the Blonde looked up and said, "Where?"
Believe it or not, I've actually seen that one happen in real life. I'm completely not kidding; a blonde girl in one of my classes in middle school did that.

Oh, and what do you call a lesbian with fat fingers?

Well hung.

Flagstaffsooner
2/20/2005, 08:49 AM
Did you hear that Oprah was killed? She was sunning on top of her building with her Malcom X t shirt on and a helicopter landed on her.

OUthunder
2/20/2005, 04:16 PM
Q. Why are brunettes so proud of their hair?
A. It matches their moustache.

homerSimpsonsBrain
2/21/2005, 10:27 AM
And now one for the aggies...

Doctor Dave had sex with one of his patients and felt guilty all day long. No matter how much he tried to forget about it, he couldn't.
The guilt and sense of betrayal was overwhelming. But every once in awhile he'd hear an internal, reassuring voice that said: "Dave, don't worry about it. You aren't the first doctor to sleep with one of his patients and you won't be the last. And you're single. Just let it go."

But invariably another voice would bring him back to reality,
whispering...............

"Dave, you're a veterinarian..... "

tnraider1
2/21/2005, 06:32 PM
What do you tell your wife when she comes out of the kitchen with a black eye?
Nothing, you already told her once.

OU's Sofa King Cool
2/21/2005, 09:42 PM
What's better than winning the gold at the special olympics?

Not being retarded.

proud gonzo
2/21/2005, 09:51 PM
http://images.southparkstudios.com/media/images/803/803_image_05.jpg

OklahomaTrombone
2/21/2005, 10:23 PM
What's better than winning the gold at the special olympics?

Not being retarded.

Thats bad.


but funny

Mjcpr
2/22/2005, 01:18 PM
Luckily he never reads "Smack Central".
Where am I?

Madd Dawg
2/22/2005, 10:38 PM
there was an OU student, a UT Student, a Baylor student, and an aggie.
All 4 of them where at some educational convention. while they were there, a top professor asked them what they thought was the fastest ting in the world. the OU student was studying Psychology, he said the fastest thing in the world was a thought. the UT student was studying to be an electrician. he said the fastest thing in the world was electricity, you could have a light bulb attached to a switch 5 miles away and it would turn on instantly. the baylor student was studying to be a doctor. he said the fastest thing in the world was a blink. finally, the aggie said Diarrhea was the fastest thing in the world, it hits you before you can think, blink, or turn on the lights.

XingTheRubicon
2/22/2005, 11:26 PM
An Irish man, a Jew, and a black guy were walking the boardwalk in Jersey and a genie appeared in a puff of smoke. She said, normally I give three wishes to one person, but since there's 3 of you, I'll give you one each. All 3 look at each other and agree.

The Jew goes first. I wish for all of my people to live out our days in the holy land in peace......and poof he disappeared.

Then the black guy said, I wish for all of my people to live out our days in our Mother country Africa in peace.......and poof he disappeared.

The Irishman paused.......and stared at the genie. Sooooo, there are no more Jews in America, they're all in Israel, right? Yes, said the genie.

and the black people are all back in Africa? Yes, said the genie.



long pause............




I believe I'll have a diet coke.

OU4LIFE
2/23/2005, 08:16 AM
I think an Irishman should ask for single malt scotch.

i'm just sayin.

XingTheRubicon
2/23/2005, 01:16 PM
I think the point was that he was extremely satisfied and didn't need anything to lift his spirits.

OU4LIFE
2/23/2005, 01:52 PM
still though....an Irishman asking for Scottish whiskey.....

ok, nevermind.

MiccoMacey
2/23/2005, 03:15 PM
Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a bowling ball?

A: You can only get three fingers in a bowling ball.



Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a corvette?

A: Not everybody's been in a corvette.

RedRum
2/23/2005, 11:56 PM
The cajun chef at work told me this one today.
best read with a cajun accent.

Old Boudreaux was sitting on his porch one day when Thibodeaux pulls up in his truck. Boudreaux says, "what you got in dat truck dere Thibodeaux?" Thiboeaux say, "Crab grass. I goin' crab huntin'. Put crab grass down, crab come up....swoop, I catch 'em. Why you don't come along Boudreaux"
"Naw" says Boudreaux. "You no catch crab wit crab grass."
Later that day here come Thibodaux, his truck full of crab. "See, I told you
Boudreaux" he says

Next day here come Thibodaeux in his truck. "What you got in dat truck dere Thibodeaux?"
Thiboeaux say, "Duck weed. I goin' duck huntin'. Put the duck weed down, duck come flyin' in....boom boom boom, I shoot 'em. Why you don't come along Boudreaux"
"Naw" says Boudreaux. "You no shoot duck wit duck weed."
Later that day here come Thibodaux his truck full of ducks. "See, I told you
Boudreaux" he says

Next day here comes Thibodaeux again in his truck. Boudreaux says,"What you got in dat truck dere Thibodaux?"
Thibodaux says, "***** willow".

----"Let me get my hat"

SouthernSooner
2/26/2005, 10:14 AM
How do you tell if your roomate is gay?


His dick tastes like ****!

SoonerSince72
2/27/2005, 03:46 PM
A Blonde a Brunette and a Redhead are all sitting in the doctor's office waiting for an ultrasound. The brunette and the redhead start talking about what sex their new babies are going to be. The brunette says, "I am going to have a boy", the redhead says "how do you know" and the brunette says, "well, when we do it I am always on top and the male sperm are stronger swimmers than the female sperm." So the redhead says, "oh, well I must be having a girl because I am always on bottom." So the brunette and the redhead start hearing what sounds like cyring and they look over and the blonde girl is crying her eyes out. The brunette says to the blonde, "what's wrong, why are you crying" and the blonde says "I'm going to have puppies!."

47straight
2/27/2005, 03:54 PM
...

proud gonzo
3/5/2005, 02:04 AM
"I'm going to have puppies!."

LOL

GDC
3/27/2005, 09:40 PM
http://www.mellowe.com/bogusz/images/fat%20ass.jpg

proud gonzo
3/27/2005, 09:46 PM
OW my avatar!!

OklahomaTrombone
3/27/2005, 10:21 PM
you should really stop looking at those...

LoyalFan
3/28/2005, 06:55 AM
Wotz "Smoreplay"? (I hear you ask.)

Well, kids, it's what Smurfs do before they smuck.

Sorry. So terribly sorry.

Loyal(Lancer)Fan(6)

LoyalFan
3/28/2005, 06:59 AM
http://www.mellowe.com/bogusz/images/fat%20ass.jpg

All her troubles are behind her now!

Or:

Shouldn't she be required to have her name and home port tattooed on her stern?

Choose one. With two you get egg roll.

LoyalFan

IR4OU
3/28/2005, 06:58 PM
Q - What do you call an admin with beano in his name?

A - A sissy *** homosexual tree humping spider monkey, with an acute case of Parvo.





;)

GeneralCartmanLee
3/29/2005, 11:57 PM
What do you call a blond with 1 brain cell?

Gifted



What do you call a blond with 2 brain cells?

Pregnant

GeneralCartmanLee
3/30/2005, 12:14 AM
What is the smartest thing that can come out of a blonde's mouth?

Einstein's Dick


What's the difference between a blonde and a rooster?

A Rooster says in the Morning - "Cockll-doodlle-doooooo", while a blonde shouts, "Any-****'ll-doooo."


What's the difference between a blonde and The Titanic?

They know how many men went down on The Titanic


Why is a blonde like a shotgun?

Give her a **** and she'll be ready to blow.


What's the difference between a blonde track team and a tribe of sly pygmies?

One's a bunch a cunning runts.


Why don't blondes talk when having sex?

Their Mommies told em never to speak to strangers.

Sooner_Bob
4/16/2005, 08:57 PM
Wow, some of you people are sick.








You tell funny jokes, but you're sick.







:D

poon4heisman2006
5/4/2005, 05:47 AM
Let me apologize in advance....

Harold is 95 and lives in a senior citizen home.
Every night after dinner, Harold goes to a secluded garden behind the center to sit and ponder his accomplishments and long life.
One evening, Mildred, age 87, wanders into the garden.
They begin to chat, and before they know it, several hours have passed.
After a short lull in their conversation, Harold turns to Mildred and asks, "Do you know what I miss most of all?"
She asks, "What?"
"SEX!!" he replies.
Mildred exclaims, "Why you old fart, you couldn't get it up if I held a gun to your head!"
"I know," Harold says, "but it would be nice if a woman could just hold it for a while."
"Well, I can oblige," says Mildred, who unzips his trousers, removes his manhood and proceeds to hold it.
Afterward, they agree to meet secretly each night in the garden where they would sit and talk and Mildred would hold Harold's manhood.
Then, one night, Harold didn't show up at their usual meeting place.
Alarmed, Mildred decided to find Harold and make sure he was O.K. She walked around the senior citizen home where she found him sitting by the pool with another female resident, Ethel, who was holding Harold's manhood!
Furious, Mildred yelled, "You two-timing creep! What does Ethel have that I don't have?"
Old Harold smiled happily and replied, "Parkinson's.

Sooner_Bob
5/4/2005, 07:27 AM
DOH!

proud gonzo
5/6/2005, 01:58 AM
hehe

yermom
5/8/2005, 01:21 AM
Three gay men died, and were going to be cremated. Their lovers happened to be at the funeral home at the same time, and were discussing what they planned to do with the ashes.

The first man said, "My Benny loved to fly, so I'm going up in a plane and scatter his ashes in the sky."

The second man said, "My Carl was a good fisherman, so I'm going to scatter his ashes in our favorite lake."

The third man said, "My Jim was such a good lover, I think I'm going to dump his ashes in a pot of chili, so he can tear my *** up just one more time."

poon4heisman2006
5/8/2005, 10:34 AM
What do Michael Jackson and 2nd place have in common?








They both come in a little behind.....

GDC
5/8/2005, 12:37 PM
Okay, this thread is getting out of control.

XingTheRubicon
5/8/2005, 05:00 PM
Yeah, post #82 and #83 frightened me a little.

homerSimpsonsBrain
5/9/2005, 12:07 AM
Little red riding hood (LRRH) is on her way to see grandma when the Big Bad Wolf (BBW) jumps out from behind a tree and says "f**k me LRRH!!!" LRRH says "No way dude. You're gonna eat me just like the story says!!"

Gandalf_The_Grey
8/17/2009, 09:59 PM
All sorts of filth in here!

goingoneight
8/18/2009, 09:50 PM
What do aggies and the Trojan Horse have in common?

They're big, patriotic and came inside a giant horse.