1...2...3...4...I Declare A Post War...

[LosAngelesSooner]

heh, you're funny

is it fun talking to yourself? He is kinda funny.

And he does have fun talking to himself...

And...as I said...there's only one way to deal with that.

[LosAngelesSooner]

By topping the MF PAGE, BIOTCHES!

Now...order has been restored.

[LosAngelesSooner]

Yeah, and I checked, Dolemite. Trombone leads you by 28.

You're losing every way possible. That's kinda funny in a sad way.

[LosAngelesSooner]

Wow...I whupped your *** so severely that you had no response to me?

Heh...wussy...

[dolemitesooner]

And i am not bluffing i am just tellin it like it is. I come to this site to entertain and be entertained. But Beano is a control freak and he has to be in charge. But he has been crushed by the all…

[dolemitesooner]

if only ..... no... i will keep i quite untill tommorw expect a boom everbody

[dolemitesooner]

Have i ever told you all about the girl i know who is turned on by fish aquriams

[dolemitesooner]

well its one of my freinds wife. He is always going to the oklahoma city zoo. One day he told us he was going and it was like the third time in about 2 weeks. I was like damn man the zoo ain't that…

[dolemitesooner]

like a little stimp myself

[dolemitesooner]

don't get me started women.... i have no crowd... i will wait until mourning

[dolemitesooner]

man o man

[dolemitesooner]

well i love to stir things up... you guys :confused: me .…

[dolemitesooner]

OHH well the enrish does not come well for me. So if you wanted to be entertained by my amazing posting power you will just have to struggle through the dreadge

[dolemitesooner]

uhhh i could pay you in sek to translate for me

edit: I mean spek

[dolemitesooner]

That would be cool I have never been qouted in my life I would be like the lincoln of sf

[dolemitesooner]

Are you talking beoncye...do i sense jealousy

[dolemitesooner]

CAT GOT YOUR TOUNGE la?

[dolemitesooner]

i like a squirell tryin to get a nut to move your but"

[dolemitesooner]

ohh **** yeah ... duh .. ok cool ...your the ****z man

[dolemitesooner]

I was singin that **** in like 1st grade

[dolemitesooner]

Ok you are dead sexy man. How is that for a conversation starter

[dolemitesooner]

ok mir bobbly head

[dolemitesooner]

I will......wait remain calm..... Breath

[dolemitesooner]

do you have bad luck la?

[dolemitesooner]

duh i am no tard ...willie bean

[dolemitesooner]

hey blabby.....…

[dolemitesooner]

seniqua dont live here no more is bad but i dont know who sings it

[dolemitesooner]

this theard has now gone to path of no return

[dolemitesooner]

ok you are bopring me broncye

[dolemitesooner]

I extra large size hat that ****z tooooooooooooooo

[dolemitesooner]

dON'T GO AND CRUSH A MANS DREAMS NOW




TOP OF THE PAGE LOSER :eek:

[dolemitesooner]

OHH YEAH , but what you forget jabba is that if i get bad you get the everloving shet beat out of you son. :D

[dolemitesooner]

He told me.... ihave it tap recored...lol....i cover all of my bases

[dolemitesooner]

so thats what i smell on your breath last night... i thought it was a familar smell

[dolemitesooner]

that was sick.... and i am scared for life

[dolemitesooner]

huh is that a trick ?

[dolemitesooner]

you are a master corupter

[dolemitesooner]

Tell her " beoncye you need to lose some damn weight or i am going to get a younger skinner byotch"

[dolemitesooner]

Man i forgot all about this ****

[dolemitesooner]

I am happy in A my pant to I am bak i am :confused: what did you all want

[dolemitesooner]

I MEANT.. OH WAIT... NEVERMIND

[dolemitesooner]

ok but i still like my first idea......... and he did ask for a ladies man not a ladies ladie
and i am clearly the ladies man of the ladies lady

[dolemitesooner]

moe's is the ****z i love chillen with homer

[dolemitesooner]

am sure is face now looks like a burger ... is that what you thought... had to help you out a little

[dolemitesooner]

like pepe delgodo's

[dolemitesooner]

yeah i have peed on this thread but really tel her she is fat

[dolemitesooner]

and my stank does not go away

[dolemitesooner]

would also like a car that has a legeal tag..…

[dolemitesooner]

:confused: hwta am i lookin g at ......ohh wait.... :eek:

[dolemitesooner]

lotion? you dont need that

[dolemitesooner]

would you like me to translate for you

[dolemitesooner]

ok so now after reading this thread the answer is o

[dolemitesooner]

This realy pisses me off. I mean what is the deal with not being able to run up the score in football, but in every other sport it is allowed.

In basketball fans love when a team scores 100 or when a golfer blows away the field. Who dosent love it when a baseball team scores doulbe digit runs.
And I enjoy ever minute of when indianapolis colts, and peyton score a ton of touchdowns.

I dont remeber anyone saying anything last year when woods scored 7 td's against smu last year.

And when tiger was killing people on the golf coarse should he have laided down and not tryed to shoot anything but par.

i am going to have a heart attack

[dolemitesooner]

i got neg respek with quote:

Go look for rocks somewhere else, loser

What the hell does that mean

[dolemitesooner]

but after tonight at work were I will be dealing with all the boston people at the hotel I may need to get back on and vent some more .

[dolemitesooner]

I dont think that you all care, Nor do i think that you all will join me in razing the city of boston.

GOD I WANT TO THROUGH UP.

[dolemitesooner]

know no i am no yankees fan

I AM A FISH FAN marlins and miami dolphins ohh yaeh they suck too the only thing holding me together is the sooners

[dolemitesooner]

THIS TEAM SHOULD HAVE NEVER WON.


they traded the bamino to there rival

not to mention rodger clemons one of the greatest pitchers of all time.


Ohhh and bye the way why did you bring up broson asshat, with his braided hair i wanna be justin timberlake looking b@#$%.

[dolemitesooner]

i am so pissed i cant even type straight

some one shoot me PLEASE

[dolemitesooner]

I thought was to she makes me feel...DIRTY....oh wait thats christna

[dolemitesooner]

if we go undefeated, and dont play for the national championship. That won't even be the part that sends me off the deep end. The deep end will be if we have to play Boston collage in the feista bowl. I will murder some BCS officals. I mean what a game to go to OU vs. the mighty our conferance sucks tradition rich Boston collage.

So when you pray that Auburn doesn't pass us in the bcs over the next couple of weeks, also remeber that you are praying for me.

Thank you all,
Dolemitesooner

TOP OF THE PAGE CRACKER

[dolemitesooner]

I never posted in IT. It was all just a joke of beano's great mind. your IT fun can continue I still hav'nt fiquerd it out. So I was'nt being an *** I was just trying to give you all a hard time like you have given me .

but you were .....PunKeD.

[dolemitesooner]

gangstaz paridise

[dolemitesooner]

The it is goin down ahhhahahahhahah :D

[dolemitesooner]

first nicolette's back,and now beer commeicals what are they thinking. How far will they go.

[dolemitesooner]

I have no ****ing idea 6:08 , dude what the f@#$

[dolemitesooner]

is that what you guys want? You give me hint, after hint, after hint and I still cant fiqure it out. I dont want to be told. I just have to walk around hanging my head in defeat. I know when I have lost and you have lost when I have stared at the front page of the SO for 5 hours without posting.

.................I just puked.............

Thanks guys you win .

[dolemitesooner]

I know its in good fun , and I want in the fum ...........fun.......fun for you all to laugh at vt people who cant get in

[dolemitesooner]

you guys all suck.

[dolemitesooner]

YEAH UHHH... there is this thread that I cant look at in the south oval I was wondering if you all could fix that. It is really bothering me, and there is this black guy on it who just stares at me. If you do fix this problem could you please contact me asap on my home phone so I could view this thread immediatly.

[dolemitesooner]

what over done? no one can even come close to my dolemite stye.

[dolemitesooner]

well ****e .. I don't want to run into any copyright laws

[dolemitesooner]

Should i dress as the pimp for the orange bowl?

[dolemitesooner]

Ok I get it you. You feel like a bigger person when you give neg respk. It is just a web site man.

[dolemitesooner]

He has already nailed me today

[dolemitesooner]

uhhhhhh

[dolemitesooner]

I can't be pissed now I am in Key largo biznatchs

[dolemitesooner]

http://www.johnbarry.org.uk/scans/Howard%20The%20Duck.jpg

[dolemitesooner]

NO PLEZ ( crying )I need sf to breath

[dolemitesooner]

lol, jk , I love you guys , but does someone have my password or is it you guys.``````````````

[dolemitesooner]

ohhhhh **** if you are going to beat anyones *** for bad mojo it is .......................YERMOM..................... .

[dolemitesooner]

I am dyslexic as hell........ok so so far it is dont shave

[dolemitesooner]

sweet can i get a degree in crackerology

[dolemitesooner]

Remeber when making your descion that I have never shaved on anyday before a game this year that I was off. I will let you all decide.
I have never smoked that yack good sir

[dolemitesooner]

I like chez its in my meat loaf

[dolemitesooner]

Yeah someone said that they had thrown a hissy fit there ..... Yeah

[dolemitesooner]

I love crackers and ramon noodles

[dolemitesooner]

or ckacke *** cracka

[dolemitesooner]

Thats cool i call umm WHITE BREAD MOTHA *******

[dolemitesooner]

CRACKERS??????
let the debate begin

[dolemitesooner]

Come on guys I was looking for a .

" sir from where i am standing it is immposable to touch your ***"

yet 1 more top dblover

[dolemitesooner]

sir did you jsut touch my ***?

[dolemitesooner]

We met stange animal's with no theeth who spoke a tounge we still do not understand. And we saw many miles of uninhabitable swamp land.

[dolemitesooner]

Come and join the sf slummber party at Instigator's. where we will treat you right and stay up all night

[dolemitesooner]

drunk sgit I havnt hasd a drink all day

[dolemitesooner]

you man dirty dirty man you

[dolemitesooner]

But I also thoght that had sf slumper parties WE ALL STAY AWAKE

[dolemitesooner]

**** negro thats all you had to say

[dolemitesooner]

I love crackers ......let me clarify like ritz, saltines, chez its, yeah I love umm

[dolemitesooner]

you will drink my kool aid

[dolemitesooner]

I like monkey feces much more

[dolemitesooner]

la ONLY WISHES SHE COULD HOLD IT DOWN LIKE this MAD MAX MOTHER TUCKERS

[dolemitesooner]

I'm to sexy for this website to sexy for this website so sexy it hurts

[dolemitesooner]

me and cameras dont mix well.

Although I have come to the conclusion that I should become an ambercrombie model.

[dolemitesooner]

I told you guys tech would win. Watch and learn from a football god

[dolemitesooner]

I touched dem BALLS

[dolemitesooner]

No we didnt look for name tag we were are drooling at the boobies

[dolemitesooner]

Ok la that was all done thankds TO my Handy dandy dolimite quote genorater.


You may have won a few battles but you havn'et WOn THt WAR benocye

[LosAngelesSooner]

Okay...now that was kinda impressive.

[LosAngelesSooner]

I mean...three top o' the pages in a row is definitely a wowzer...

[LosAngelesSooner]

But to type almost three pages worth by yourself?

THAT is something that get's you recognition in this thread!

[LosAngelesSooner]

The thing that is MOST amazing is how nonsensical all of that was. I mean...some of it sounded like you were drunk. Some of it sounded like you were an idiot. And some of it sounded like you were posessed by demons.

Most of it just made no sense whatsoever. But...kinda in a good way.

[LosAngelesSooner]

So...now I gotta ask...What was the huge rumor on the S.O.? Can anyone tell me?

A friendly PM would suffice...

[LosAngelesSooner]

And the fact that you've now lept to within almost a hundred of me...


THAT took some work!

[LosAngelesSooner]

Then, add in the fact that you jumped ahead of both Bri and Gonzo...


Man...that was just MEAN!

[LosAngelesSooner]

Over a hundred posts...

On a Saturday night.

Man...

Well, while you were doing that, I was having sex with a girl. You know what one of THOSE is, don't you? A real, live girl? ;)

[LosAngelesSooner]

But I had a cab take her home, and decided to check the ol' thread and see what happened while I was away...

And Lo and behold! Little Dolemite's gone and got himself growsed up!

[LosAngelesSooner]

Now, I'm not sayin' you're a man yet. Not saying you've done and accomplished that goal.

But you HAVE grown a bit in my eyes, laddy. Just a bit. But a bit counts!

[LosAngelesSooner]

Now if you REALLY wanted to impress me you would go find a copy of the Five Deadly Venoms and watch it.

THAT is great Kung Fu!

[LosAngelesSooner]

And it certainly would give us something to talk about. Something REAL to talk about.

Something that doesn't require you resorting to a lame "quote generator" in order to keep up with my ALL ORIGINAL posts.

[LosAngelesSooner]

I mean, for Pete's sake...I wrote all original PROSE in the early pages! Whole stories! I ENTERTAINED!

You just took up space! Maybe we should have a fiction writing contest...





TOTMFPB

[LosAngelesSooner]

I could keep topping pages like I always seem to be doing (effortlessly) and you could use your cute little "quote generator" in order to try to keep up!

In the meantime I'll just keep writing all original posts...

[LosAngelesSooner]

And while I do that...I'll read all the threads in the Sponsors forum...

[LosAngelesSooner]

Like the thread that DBHuge is back.

Ugh...if he is then I think I'm gonna vomit a little in my mouth.

[LosAngelesSooner]

I couldn't stand that guy. He's one of the worst posters in the history of S.F. I mean...he almost singlehandedly ran me off, and he ran COUNTLESS of other posters off.

But I digress and, unfortunately, am waxing too serious.

[LosAngelesSooner]

I do miss my bed, however.

After all...it IS 5:30am. That's a little late.

[LosAngelesSooner]

Too bad that Bri finally gave up and retreated to the Members boards.

He kinda made it fun in here.

Now it's just up to the two of us.

[LosAngelesSooner]

Well, AND Gonzo...but I think she's tiring of this thread as well.

[LosAngelesSooner]

So now I get to catch all those brats talking about me in the members thread.

Not nice, guys. Not nice.

I haven't sniffed one BIT of paint.

[LosAngelesSooner]

Lately.

[LosAngelesSooner]

And now I'm reading your quote generator.

Wow. THAT'S a piece of work!

[LosAngelesSooner]

Could you imagine if Beano tried to set up one of those for me?

Those quotes would be HUGE! And at least a third of them would be quotes from articles or links to news articles from the last election. :D

[LosAngelesSooner]

But I think it would take up WAY too much bandwidth. All that genius contained on one site? Randomly available to just ANYONE?

No...that's too much power for the unprepared.

[LosAngelesSooner]

And then I see that pretty much all you did was use your quote generator.

HOW ANNOYING!

Can't you create? Bring something NEW into this world? No...you have to go and regurgitate old crap. MAN...that just makes me poo in my pants with disapproval.


Here's a sample. But at least this is stuff that, while written by me in the past, it has never seen the light of day here on Soonerfans.com!

[LosAngelesSooner]

Villanelle from Hell

The death-grip on my nuts is way too tight
continues squeezing while I try to smile.
It could be worse, this cat's been known to bite

My Calvin Cline whose cost was out of sight
always remind me of my daily trial.
The death-grip on my nuts is way too tight.

Symbolic of the strains and toils of life,
compressing me until I taste my bile.
It could be worse, this cat's been known to bite.

Size Twenty-nine? I fooled myself that night
about my butt size. Guess I'm in denial.
The death-grip on my nuts is way too tight.

I hate the fact; my girlfriend might be right:
reminding of my size without her guile.
It could be worse, this cat's been known to bite.

While pressure in my pants is not polite,
the stresses in my life increase their pile.
The death-grip on my nuts is way too tight.
It could be worse, this cat's been known to bite.

[LosAngelesSooner]

JETSAM

Adrift.
Carried by waves to foreign shores.
Like a convenient taxi,
ridden by gulls,
and alone.
Picked through by children
and fortune hunters,
leaving just a skeleton.
No destination in sight
with many ports left to see.
The worlds refuse;
beautiful to the needy.
Never knowing what lies in the future,
barely surviving each storm.

But enough about me.

[LosAngelesSooner]

Work

The stained apron,
the well worn church key, wrapped with tattered colored tape,
the colored bottles,
warped and shaped as if by drunkards,
capped with silver spouts,
the towels, one for washing, one for drying, yet another for polishing,
the fruit,
efficiently sliced, diced, wedged, peeled,
and put on display.
The purees, and juices, and powders
from exotic locations,
ice cream from around the corner,
and ice from the back room.
The whining, spinning blenders.
Worn to the point of breaking,
cry out and squeal as they work.
The lost, lonely, confused, and broken sit
with the imitators, the fake, the ghastly,
and the two drunk girls new to town.

[LosAngelesSooner]

A Present

She didn't notice it
so fixated on number one . . .
or three . . . or seven . . .
whichever one he was.
Backbone rigid
as acrylic talons tear their way
to his ears
he motors his way into more love
She's a sucker
and the others stare
greenly
through the window
above the stove.
All of her focus is on the little murderer
as she coos . . .
while she worships
and he allows it.
Until she turns for a saucer
as her sister,
becoming a banshee,
enters the kitchen
and shatters the linoleum floor;
scattering the peeping toms.
She spins back to her demigod
but he's vanished,
as gods do,
leaving her to clean up the feathers
and the blood
of his offering.

[LosAngelesSooner]

A Reckoning

Secluded by unwillingness
confronted with evidence
portcullis arms
stern look
citadel jaw
defiant
with a floater of fear in her eyes.
She's not free
anymore.

A murdered girl
found in bed
jerked from breath like a self-aborted fetus
thrashed
beaten
destroyed
His eyes know it.
He's granite, impassive,
self-contained detonation
awaiting ignition.
Rushmore with reason to move.

The fires flex
boiling lies,
the serpentine darkness
smothers
and collects,
both starve.

Neither burning flames
nor frozen tundra:
Hell is the void

Her reality smashed back in her face like a three ton powder puff,
she knows herself now.

[LosAngelesSooner]

Gamble on Happiness

My dreams vanish
as reality's light exposes
my fears and wants.
Destiny takes my hand,
and leads to unknown futures.
My fighting leads to pain,
unnecessary,
and mistakes abound.
Lost within myself.
The pull increases,
'till I surrender to wants
and ignore shouts
of conventional wisdom.
Poverty! Obscurity! Failure!
Look at your brothers!!
You'll never succeed.
Oh really?
Look at me now.

[LosAngelesSooner]

Daddy Expected

Pounding feet on well worn grass
hand grasping a confused string
sweat beading furiously, breathing
like a steam engine. Racing forward alone.
Forgotten in the background,
trying to keep up
saddened by it's failure
Bows and ribbons, blue and white
The kite never takes flight.
The boy never notices.

[LosAngelesSooner]

Nana

Gnarled tallow fingernails and subterranean rivers
of blue blood overreaching their bounds
pools eddying beneath the surface,
yet staining my eyes.

They search, touch more sensitive than the filmy eyes,
for rubber covered steel, locking the oversized wheels,
keeping her safe from falling when she rises.

I feel like I'm looking at the oldest building in London,
Crumbling brick and mortar, sagging eves, peeling paint,
dignified in it's strength to withstand gravity for so long.
Respected for it's very weariness.

Why do you still fight on? Your windows are too smeared to see through...
you can't hear me, you barely can move. Why still the effort when
it's so easy to
lie down?

Her face turns towards me,
searching,
and focuses above my right shoulder.
deaf, disregarding, isolated.
"Some day you'll be president."
Like a whisper...like a curse
"I'll be so proud."

[LosAngelesSooner]

You know...all this is ALSO punishment for all those NBA Basketball BLOG posts.

I WARNED YOU THERE WOULD BE CONSEQUENCES!

[LosAngelesSooner]

Now I think it's time for a little more "Free Flow Prose."

Start a story...go with the flow...write as you go...and see what happens!

[LosAngelesSooner]

No Arms in My Kitchen

I didn't fully realize what it was when he handed it to me. Professors hand you things to read all the time, especially things that they have written, so when Dr. Kroeber, my balding creative writing professor, handed me the short story I simply smiled and took it in my gloved hand. It looked like it would be a good read for a cold Friday night with nothing better to do.

[LosAngelesSooner]

I got home from school in the early afternoon after stopping on two errands, one to Kinko's and the other to another professor's house, and set the tightly bound pages on my dark oval coffee table while I went into the kitchen to make a bowl of Captain Crunch.
"Hey there sweetie! How are you!" squealed Dee, my girlfriend of two years, as she rushed out of our room, "Did you miss me?"
"Of course, Boo-Boo Bear, I always miss you!" I grinned back while sweeping her into a tight hug.
"Well why don't you prove it?"

[LosAngelesSooner]

"It's three o'clock in the afternoon."
"Oh, I didn't realize we had time constraints!"
"Well, Space Ghost is on Comedy Central, and I was kind of . . ."
"Space Ghost?"
"Uh, yeah," I lamely went on, "and you know I always watch it."
"Joe. I have been sitting here all day, by myself, listening to the news go on and on about another body that they've found down in the Marina and I've been scared." she pouted. She's really good at pouting.
"I need you to hold me."

[LosAngelesSooner]

"The Choker? They found another one? Wow, there seems to be no end to that guy. They'll never catch him. Still no leads?"
"Yeah . . . I'll tell you about it in a little while, but right now we've got business to do."
Which we did, forgetting the would-be movie next to a coffee table book on the history of torture, and an ashtray from the set of Citizen Kane.
Hours passed, or at least I like to think of it that way, before I was in a condition to wash out the full bowl of soggy Captain Crunch in the sink.
"I'm running late for my night class, sweetie." said Dee from the other room. "I think I'll just skip it."

[LosAngelesSooner]

"Honey, you know you can't do that. Besides, I'm going to be working and writing a lot tonight so I won't be much fun."
"That's ok, I'll sit here with you and rub your feetsy, feetsies while you do your work!"
"That sounds good, but one of my professor's should be stopping by my house to pick up something he gave me and he'll probably want to stay and talk for a while."
"You're such a kiss ***."
"Whatever get's me the grade!"

[LosAngelesSooner]

"Fine!" she pouted again, "I'll hurry and go. I've got a rehearsal afterwards that I can't miss too. I'll see you around midnight."
"Love you sweetie."
"Wuv you too."
With that Dee was gone to her University so I was going to have the night alone to study circumcision rituals in Jewish History or watch Children of the Corn, whichever got my attention first, until my guest that I was expecting arrived. However the painfully leather couch loved me too much and even as I pressed play on the remote control, it wrapped me in a loving hug of sleep. Before I could pause to think, I had drifted off to sleep.

[LosAngelesSooner]

(top of the page, bitch...yet again)

(now...to continue the story)

[LosAngelesSooner]

I was shocked awake by the sound of the television on static. The video had finished and had just started to automatically rewind. In the pale glow of the tube I rediscovered the short story.
No Arms in My Kitchen stood out in bold type across the cover. Ok, the title could use some work, I thought, but I decided to give it a stab and sunk deeper into the crying seat.
The main character was a strapping young college stud with an orange Afro and a tendency to wear surfing clothes on his lanky, definitely-not-a-surfer frame. He was a Drama major in a University and was acting in a play about some late night diner. In it he played the overly worked late night cook/waiter who was constantly being stepped on by every customer.

[LosAngelesSooner]

The story was smoothly written and seemed to flow like wet spaghetti through my fingers as I read on.
The guy, John, was the intellectual type, and spent his time working on his performance and writing in his poetry journal. Everything seemed to be fine with him, on the surface, but I could feel deja vu with each tight line of tension that Dr. Kroeber had woven around every syllable of the tale.

[LosAngelesSooner]

That's when something interesting happened. John, who as I have said seemed to be a smart, normal type of character, was performing the play, working in what was the kitchen on the set, when he noticed something out of the corner of his eye. A hand had come from the audience, which was sitting in the round within twitching distance from the actors, through a slit in the wall between the audience and the kitchen, and was messing around with the coffeepot. At first, John was able to stay in character and go on with his part in the play, but as the minutes ticked on, he began lose focus and was unable to think of anything besides the hand in his kitchen.
It didn't belong there, you see. Some ****ing audience member was playing a sick, cruel joke, and John, understandably, was unable to take it.

[LosAngelesSooner]

The hand moved about the shelves. It caressed the packs of sweeteners. It made love to porcelain coffee mugs. It violated the pristine backstage existence John had so carefully crafted. He moved on stage from behind the kitchen area to say his lines, but he couldn't stop thinking about the hand in his kitchen. Haltingly he got the words out before he had to retreat back inside, hardly noticing the slightly panicked looks in his fellow actor's eyes.
It was still there smiling at him. He couldn't move towards the arm so he started to straighten what it had disturbed. Then it touched him. With a yelp he spun and smacked the hand away. The dialogue on stage halted for a moment as the actors tried to cover for his noises and the audience tried to figure out what was going on.

[LosAngelesSooner]

Still it moved. Still it writhed like a snake. Thrashing about. Dirtying up everything. Here, there, out of control. Then John noticed the impenetrable silence coming from on stage. He turned to see the stage manager in the booth and saw that she was wildly gesturing for him to make an entrance. Blindly he stumbled on stage and banged his knee on the couch. The other actors hated him. He could tell. He opened his mouth. There was nothing there. No words. No ideas. The hand had stolen them. It had robbed him of his mind, his memories. It had raped his very soul.

[LosAngelesSooner]

It was then that the sound of sirens slapped me from the strangle hold I had on the pages. I took a break to **** and make a cup of me (I call it a cup of me since my name is Joe). I also grabbed a summer sausage and sharp steak knife to snack on. The script was well written, as it should have been since the man has a degree in English, but it also gripped firmly some darker familiar force which I couldn't stop feeling that I recognized. I had to return to the story.

[LosAngelesSooner]

THE STAGE MANAGER FED HIM HIS LINE AND THE PLAY COULD GO ON. BUT AS THE PLAY ENDED AND THE AUDIENCE ROSE TO LEAVE WHILE THE HOUSE LIGHTS BRIGHTENED, JOHN SAW THAT THE HAND BELONGED TO A PROFESSOR OF HIS, AND THE BASTARD WAS GRINNING WILDLY WITH DELIGHT AT THE TORMENTS HE HAD PLAYED OUT AT JOHN'S EXPENSE. JOHN KNEW THEN THAT HE WOULD HAVE TO GET EVEN.

[LosAngelesSooner]

(whoops! accidental Caps Lock. Sorry. Fixed. Continuing)

[LosAngelesSooner]

I could feel the blackness that seethed within the story as I read. Every word showed that John had a mind which had focused completely on one goal and couldn't think of anything else. The story continued and showed how John began to plan to blackmail his professor, a completely innocent, pathetic weakling with family . . . kids. John began to cover his tracks as he stalked his professor until the fateful day when he was caught outside Dr. Kroeber's house by a neighbor and had to kill her to keep from being discovered. She was described as a fat old woman with a loud mouth and no common sense. John left her in the flowerbed with a single rose on her chest as he slid away into the night.

[LosAngelesSooner]

Now I knew where I had heard this story before. It was from the news. This was how the first victim of the Choker was found right here in Los Angeles. This was an exact recount of the story, but set in a fictional sense. He knew every detail. He was letting me read his mind. He was more clever than I thought.
Every noise in the house seemed a little louder and every shadow, a little more sinister. I could feel a crisp breeze on the back of my neck as I rose and crossed to my desk where I had my pistol. It felt heavy and secure in my hand as I slipped back across the wood floor to my seat by the window. The story was really getting good.

[LosAngelesSooner]

It recounted each of the Choker's seven victims with graphic honesty: the brilliance of each death and the ease with which the man had escaped detection. It showed the growing terror of the professor as each death leveled a little more suspicion on him, though there wasn't enough evidence to have him arrested. The words flowed as they painted the scene of a man lost in terror and desperate for an answer.
I thought that he was a little harsh on John, showing him as a little less of the genius he was, but at least the short story was truthful. Dr. Kroeber had given me a precious gift: his confidence. He was letting me see his innermost humanity without any guise or shame. I knew him for what he was.

[LosAngelesSooner]

That's when the knock came at the door. It was a hurried, panicked scratching like a desperate animal escaping the hounds. I rose from my seat placed the knife on the table near the door, and set the pages down. Coffee and gun in hand, I moved to the door and shot the latch open.
There he stood. Blood was on his hands and a wild, pleading look was in his eye. He was breathing raggedly as he dropped to his knees.

[LosAngelesSooner]

"Please!Pleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleaseplease! For the love of God! Have mercy on me please just stop it all now! I didn't deserve it! Ican'tIcan'tIcan't Just stop it all!!"
"I liked your story, Dr. Kroeber. It was really creative."
"Oh GOD! You sick ****! Let me go! Leave me alone! I never meant anything. I never meant a damn thing! You sick ****ing bastard!"

[LosAngelesSooner]

Casually I poured the searing hot liquid over his head as he screamed in pain. Then I smashed the glass across his head in a vicious downward ark. Stunned, he fell to the ground and stared blankly at me.
"OW! God Damn you!"
Honey? What was that noise?"
"With horror I turned to see Dee stumble sleepily from the bedroom.
"Sweeite, I thought that you were at school."
"I came back early. Rehearsal was canceled."

[LosAngelesSooner]

Then she say the bloodied form of my professor sprawled on my doorstep.
"Jesus Christ! What's going on!"
"Dammit Honey! Why'd you have to come back home? I told you to go to school."
"What? What are you talking about?"
She stood there staring at us; first at him and then at me in growing horror and amazement.
"Why are you looking at me like that?"
"Why'd you come home?"
"Don't you know who he is?" slobbered Dr. Kroeber.
"Shut up!"
"Don't you know?"
"I said shut up!" I cried as I smashed him over the head again, this time with the butt of my gun.

[LosAngelesSooner]

His eyes glazed over and he slouched like a dead poodle. But then he reached his hand up. Towards me. That same hand! That arm that was in my kitchen. Those fingers that touched everything I loved. That hand that made me look like a fool. Reached it up towards me pleadingly! The whole time I could feel Dee staring at me like I was the monster. Those pouting eyes were filled with horror and revulsion. He had violated her too.
The gun felt good as I placed it in that dirty, pleading hand and leveled it at Dee, standing behind me.
"Honey, what are you . . ."
BLAM!

[LosAngelesSooner]

He never took his eyes off me as I helped him put the hole in her chest.
"I really did like the story, Dr. Kroeber. But . . . and this is just my opinion, I mean take what you want and throw the rest away we both know that you really can't teach someone how to write . . . you really should have written my character a little more accurately. I didn't want to blackmail you. Blackmail's risky. I didn't want to do that."
"You gave the story I wrote to her before you killed her! They think it was me! They think I did it," he rattled. "And now this! With her? How could you do that to her?"

[LosAngelesSooner]

"I thought she'd like a good read. And don't worry, I made a copy for myself so I could still enjoy it even though she had the original that you handed me. Oh, and you've made one other mistake, dearest professor. I didn't want to blackmail you. This is much more satisfying"
His eyes widened in horror and his mouth opened like a dying fish as I slid the knife deeply across his throat. No sound came out, but a warm rush of blood covered the front of my favorite Billabong shirt.
"Don't **** with an actor when he's working on his craft. It's unforgivable."
With that I sat on the stoop, watched the blood, and his life, ebb away, and got into character for the police.

The End.

[LosAngelesSooner]

Okay. After review...that was total and complete dog poo.

I hate that story.

I can do better. Simple is better. Let's try simple.

Oh...and I'll just keep the humor (or weak attempts at it) out this time.

[LosAngelesSooner]

The Body

We had been fishing on the Barren Fork River all afternoon. Three guys with their shirts off in an Oklahoma sauna. We were all sunburned and a little drunk, but the fishing was good and the water was cold. When you fish on this stream you are always blown away by how clear it is. A person can actually see the fish in the water and cast right at them. That's what we've been doing all afternoon. Until we came to the Big Bend.

[LosAngelesSooner]

The stench was unavoidable. None of us knew what it was, we just knew that it was overpowering. We had to see where it was coming from. Smells like that just don't happen randomly in pristine woodlands like these, so we trudged across the river to the other bank, swimming and going under at times. When we reached the other side the smell was stronger and there was a low hum coming from somewhere to the south.

[LosAngelesSooner]

As we pushed our way through the dense undergrowth we found ourselves moving into a sheltered worn out ravine. There was Poison Ivy everywhere and snakes of Endouillh vine making the trail almost impossible. But we had to stay on track for fear of stumbling into one of the quick sand patches that dominate the area.

[LosAngelesSooner]

The hum was growing fiercely louder and the smell was increasing equally in intensity. We knew that whatever it was lay just over the next hill. Remarkably the mosquitoes and flies that had been pestering us all afternoon had not bothered us for the past quarter mile and the air seemed free of them. On hands and knees we scrambled up the last few feet and peered over the ridge onto the horror below.

The End.

[LosAngelesSooner]

Not too bad. Short, that's for sure.

Simple.

Decent cliffhanger.

Let's try again, shall we?

[LosAngelesSooner]

This story is dedicated to the Oklahoma State University fan I met out here last week.















Dr. Doolittle

Danny told me that he and Darryl were going to be out playing basketball all afternoon. Granted I was more than a little frustrated since I was going to be at work and there were chores that needed to be done, but I also didn't want to be the kill joy girlfriend nagging him to death. So I kept my mouth shut, wished them a fun afternoon, and went off to wait tables. When I got to work I discovered that they had scheduled too many waiters so I offered to go home, after all, I now could finish up those chores and win through guilting him to death.

[LosAngelesSooner]

When I pulled up in the driveway I saw that their cars were still there. No basketball played and no works done either. So I picked up the gardening tools and carried them around to the back yard shed and put them away. That was when I heard the noises. They were coming from the bedroom window. Voices, moans, and other noises.

[LosAngelesSooner]

Quietly I moved towards the glass door and slid it open. The smell inside was intense and the air was hot. There were clothes strewn across the floor. The stereo was turned up way too loud and Nine Inch Nails **** music was blasting across the shag carpet. The voices hadn't stopped coming from the bedroom.

[LosAngelesSooner]

I moved down the hall and closed in on the slightly ajar door. I could hear bleating and foul language coming from inside the room. Darryl was inside yelling and screaming and I could hear Danny grunting with lust.
Anger pushed my conscience aside and ignited my adrenaline. I couldn't believe my ears! That cheating mother-****er was going to get it now. Wrathfully I flung open the door and dug into my purse for my stun gun. But before I could raise it to aim, Dee-Doo, our sheep, and Chikky, our chicken hurtled past me, knocking my aim aside, and I tasered Darryl, holding the video camera, instead.


The MERCIFUL End.


What a load of crap.

[LosAngelesSooner]

Kinda exhausting, you know? Trying to come up with decent **** at this time of night...er...scratch that...MORNING.

It's freakin' 6:00am.

[LosAngelesSooner]

The Gleeman

Recalling the tale loudly, the gleeman cavorted across the room in a staggering riposte. Ale glass thrust lance-like forward and flushed face lifted toward the sooty rafters, his voice boomed through the hushed assembly. Awestruck faces of captivated commoners being lead in a dance of words and gestures watched shadows from the flickering lamplight prance on his gaunt cheekbones and swirl across the walls in a grand waltz. He swung his gaze toward the listeners whose attentions were wandering and captured them back. The heat from the fire and his passionate exposition caused salty sweat to bead in droplets across his wrinkled face. His whirling patchwork cloak, grand with mud and regally threadbare, covered pale, scrawny limbs quilt-like in assembly. His ivory teeth, gnashing down on every syllable, and the vehemence of his gestures conveyed a sense of urgency. A gleam flashed in his unearthly pale blue eyes as his voice, betraying his thin and aged appearance, lashed out with spears and thunder as it rose to a grand climax. Quieting commotion created the surreal world in which the man thrived. The pushing bodies and eager faces bathed in the benevolence of his patronizing smile, and the strong odor of roasting meat covered the faint smell of stale beer and moist straw which surrounded the old man. His tale almost at an end, he quieted his rich voice and neared the critical point, so, smoothing his long white moustaches with moistened fingertips, and pulling his long, greying hair back with calloused fingers, he finished the tale.




The End.


(I liked that one, and not just because it makes 3 totpb in a row) :D

[LosAngelesSooner]

Three People at the Bar

The loner sat at my bar in baggy, ragged shorts with a peppy maroon sweater. He had grey hair which was getting a little too long, and a weather beaten face. He must have been in his early fifties and was overweight. He sat there for two hours and drank three glasses of the house Chardonnay. He got up and walked away from the bar three times, one time staying gone for a full half hour. Each time he returned, smiled sheepishly and continued drinking his wine. He also left his credit card with the bartender each time he left to keep his wine from being dumped and to reassure the bartender.

[LosAngelesSooner]

Definitely a first date. The man was an incredibly well built African-American and was wearing a sleeveless athletic shirt. He was well groomed and well mannered. He ordered a Kahlua and coffee and after drinking half of it he asked for more whipped cream. The woman he was with made a smartass comment about his wanting more whipped cream when he did. She was overweight and wearing a dress that was entirely too tight and showed more cleavage than the San Andreas fault line. She was obviously considerably older than him and even though she didn't speak much, seemed to be the one in control. They spoke quietly, she never even ordered a water, and then they left.

[LosAngelesSooner]

The waiter was a slender, blonde haired man. He was obviously homosexual and didn't really try hard to conceal it. He must have had a bad day because he was acting like a bitch. He also had a huge zit on his cheek that begged for anyone in the room to grab a pair of pliers and a needle and power lance it. He liked to disappear into the back room at busy times and also made four or five phone calls in which he didn't say anything. Each time afterwards he seemed to be in an even worse mood.



The End.


I like writing exercises. Maybe that'll jumpstart me again.

What next.


OOOH! You remember Charlie Brown? How about my favorite one of his specials!

[LosAngelesSooner]

The Great Pumpkin

His room was twelve feet below ground in the back corner of a New Orleans Crypt yard. I had always heard that you could find his like in those types of areas, but had never had the nerve to go looking for him. When I had entered his room he was just dawning his cloak to go outside and seemed quite surprised at my arrival.
"And hello, hello. Who are you today?" he rasped in a hollowed out voice.
"I'm Finnius Fick, and I've come to interview you. If you would let me, that is."
"Interview . . . yes, well, I have a few minutes before I must go."

[LosAngelesSooner]

So we sat in the oppressive gloom, bathed in candlelight, and spoke in hushed tones. He offered me a brandy, some fine vintage with a hint of cloves nestled beneath the fire of its proof, and lit my pipe while I unpacked my pen and writing pad. He didn't seem at all worried and was really taking everything in stride, I thought. And then we began, sitting there on rickety wooden chairs with tattered vellum cushions, to peel back the lairs of his mystery.

[LosAngelesSooner]

Eventually he reached the size where self-awareness takes hold and he summoned the courage, some say magic, but he informed me that it is more a breaking of old beliefs and a firm understanding that there is something more within which given him the strength, and he rose from the black soil.

[LosAngelesSooner]

That is how it begins for the few chosen ones. That was how he started to roam, and now he stays and gathers his strength during what he refers to as the "off season", until October once again lies on the horizon. Then it is his time to prepare, and to cross the nation to help the "little ones" grow to be healthy and strong.

[LosAngelesSooner]

He also has a few pet causes. He protects the children who trick-or-treat on Halloween and makes sure that their sacks are full and that their breath is safe. He safe guards the black cats who are left out from the roving groups of wrong doers. Other than that he spends his long nights in private meditation or reading his collection of Louis L'Amore novels or smoking his fine cigars while sipping his exquisite brandies.

[LosAngelesSooner]

These are lonely nights, but he hasn't yet met another one like him and can't exactly hold conference with the rest of humanity. We wouldn't understand him. So he sits there in his dark suit with his rust colored scarf dashed around his neck, and smiles as I repack my tools. It's time for me to leave. And it's time for the Great Pumpkin to rise in the twilight.



The End.

(sigh)


Next? Well, I've spent a lot of time discussing religion lately. How about a bit of fiction concerning the crucifixion of Jesus? Cool...

[LosAngelesSooner]

Praeteus - An Interview of Longinus

Oh, you want me to answer some questions, eh? You think you can just light some candles, sing some songs, and ruin my Friday night?
You know how much trouble we get into when you guys ... when you ... ****!
When HE finds out where I am ... Well you can ... wait ... just listen.
I don't get this chance often, but no thanks to you I'm here ...
so I'm gonna take advantage of this ... and this is important.
(Long pause)
First of all I was just following orders. They told me to make sure that He was dead.
Hey, it's how we check to see if they're dead, I mean we broke His legs, right?

[LosAngelesSooner]

When you break their legs they can't breathe and their lungs fill up with water and blood. (Pause)
I mean, we did break his legs, right?
(Thinks)
I think so ... it's been quite a while. But He's hanging there, not fighting, not even acting like He was in pain. He should have lasted a lot longer but the flogging must have taken much more out of him. He's looking about, calm as you please, making eye contact with each of us in the crowd. He's not cursing, or screaming, or ... you know?

[LosAngelesSooner]

He's just ... seeing. I'll tell you what ... at first I was bored.
I mean, another day on the job, you know? So time passes, right? He hasn't moved and ... well everyone assumes he's dead. Hanging there, not moving, just staring at nothing.
Then He looks at me, and ... GOD ... He just sees right through me! I feel like He can tell everything that I ever done wrong ... and I start shaking! I mean, this is the first time one of those Jew bastards ever made me scared, you know?

[LosAngelesSooner]

And right then, the captain tells me to check. So I turn to walk to him, and He's still looking at me like He knows something ... but he's got to be dead, right ...and then ... damndest of things ... well ... I grab my spear ... I walk up the hill through all of those dirty, poor Jew scum ... they're just looking at me ... crying, wailing, holding on to each other ... by now none of them got the guts ... make issue ...
I get to the base, reach up and stick Him. We always do it right beneath the rib cage so it'll get the lungs and empty them. Alone it's not even a fatal blow, it just nicks the lungs at the bottom, you know?

[LosAngelesSooner]

So I'm looking up at His face when I do it ... blood and water pouring down the shaft ...
and he sees me ...
he smiles at me ...
then His eyes go dark.
Well ... I was going to **** myself right then and there,
but that's when all Hell broke loose ...
the earth is shaking, people are screaming, running, their temple shakes and there's a tearing noise ... by now I'm outta there!



The End.


More? Why not. How about a monologue?

[LosAngelesSooner]

MERLE

Harrumph . . . I told you I don't know. . . Yes I did . . . What? . . . You need to have your hearing checked again. I most assuredly did . . . did say that I . . . Let me finish . . . I did not grunt. Cave men grunt. A harrumph is not a grunt. It is much more civilized than that . . . Yes it is, it's . . . Let me finish . . . Well you always get to . . . Don't change the . . .

(It dawns on him)

Some day I'm gonna get the chance to finish all of my sentences, and then you're really gonna get it, because I've been storing up a lot to say. Once that damn dishwasher finishes and we get all of those plates put back up, you and I are going to sit down and have a nice long talk.

We never talk anymore, you know? Except with our publishers, and that's not talking, it's guerilla warfare! We just sit around, taking turns at the desk, never writing together even, knowing that each other are there, but too disinterested, or maybe self-absorbed, to include the other. For instance, you haven't even shown the slightest interest in the paper I've written . . . my journal. You haven't the faintest clue that I've read your latest book and DIDN'T solve it by page thirty. I loved it! You're really getting good! In a hundred or two years you might even be considered great! And this is exactly my point!

We don't have much time left to talk with each other, you know? We've already run out of time for the most important thing in a marriage. Now were left with empty dreams, and sure we talk . . .but what the hell are you saying? I don't understand a damn thing! We've been together for so long that you'd think we'd have said all that there is to say, but there are still things I've wanted to tell you since that night by the stream. I put it off, put it off, because I know you're always there, but that's just a ****in' illusion. We're running out of time and forgetting all the reasons we've been together for so long. We're a couple of kids! We need to start living for the moment. Go dancing. You wanna Dance?

(very long pause. twenty seconds.)

We need to forget about all of the weird things that happen in life and start loving everything we have because you just never know when . . . God help us . . . you never have one damn clue . . . and I mean it . . .knock on wood . . . you just never know when someone's gonna reach out . . . way out, beyond the pale . . . where no one's gone in many, many moons . . . way out where we haven't even dared to discuss . . . when someone is going to open their eyes, summon the courage, and reach out and, and, and . . . Carol? I . . . God . . . I can't . . . I don't know how . . . Honey?

(LONG PAUSE)

It's twelve oh two a. m. . . .

(SLOWLY BOWS HEAD IN DEFEAT)

Harrumph!



The End.

[LosAngelesSooner]

The Ell

I had never been on a train until I was leaving Chicago last February. I thought they would be dirty and vandalized. I thought Mad Max thugs would be sitting all around me, staring at me as if I was the last Shasta after a soccer game. I had expected, and rightly so since it was February in Chicago, the "Windy City", that the train cars would be cold and miserable.
When I left my downtown hotel I stopped a man to ask him for directions to the nearest train stop which would take me to the airport. I was cold, wearing a huge woolen trench coat with the collar turned up and warm gloves my father had given me. The older man had on only a work shirt with his name, Gil, on it. He was a mechanic. He wasn't that clean.

[LosAngelesSooner]

When I asked him for directions he sized me up in one glance, probably down to the two crisp bills in my wallet, and curtly told me to follow him; that he was taking the same train. So I followed him out into a freezing drizzle and strolled by his side as we pushed through crowds who didn't notice it either. Two blocks later we turned down a staircase, out of the rain, and into the noise. The station was well lit, clean, and so loud I thought my ears would bleed. I followed him to the turnstiles where I racked myself on its out-jutting chrome arm. Tourist. Gil, thankfully, showed me how to get a temporary Ell card, from a gizmo that looked like a stamp machine, and how to put it in the turnstile reader. This may sound easy, but so does putting on a condom until you're there, on that virginal bed, sweaty, panting, over-eager, and completely unable to tear open that ****ing rubbo-plastic wrapper while the lucky lady looks at you and realizes everything her divorced mother told her was true.
But his grease stained hands helped me not look like too much of a fool, and I got onto the platform.

[LosAngelesSooner]

The station was half-full, half cold, and not that dirty either. When the train roared up out of the darkened tunnel I saw that it wasn't graffitied at all. So we boarded with all of the other cattle and took our seats. I rode backwards. That always makes me sick. The train started back up unexpectedly and tore out of the tunnel and onto the elevated tracks that cris-cross the city.

[LosAngelesSooner]

Now I always envisioned train rides as soothing, almost spiritual journeys; but riding backwards in that rocking swaying, and frequently stopping tin can not only made me nauseous, it made me really look forward to the airport. Which I also despise. But, like I said, it was clean, and the company wasn't that bad, even though all he could talk about was the days he spent in Nam and how he always sets off the metal detectors at the airport. The rest of the crowd was a mixed sort. There were several single women, of some darker ethnicity, who were on their way home with groceries. They didn't talk or make eye contact with anyone. At the second stop four rough looking Chicano youths got on the train. They were all wearing large down-filled athletic jackets with hoods; one had on a yellow walkman which was turned up so loud that I actually heard Snoop Dog call me a bitch. They stayed on the train too long. I felt the macho need to have a staring contest with them, but the 90's man in me reminded me to be a coward and probably kept me from getting my *** kicked.

[LosAngelesSooner]

Then there was the Rastafarian in the center seat with his long gold-tipped dreads and six layers of rainbow clothes. He slept until two stops from the airport where he jerked awake, grabbed his stereo, and swayed through the doors to join the milling people on the platform. Otherwise it was blue suited business men on their way to close deals along with a blue collared war vet with a plate in his head who chaperoned me to the airport on my first train ride.



The End.

[LosAngelesSooner]

Running out of creativity.

How about some more OOOOOLD poems? Sure...why not?

[LosAngelesSooner]

The Street Man

"A nightcap and a catnap,"
slurred between
brown teeth
and bourn to my ears
on rotted breath,
"priceless in this rat trap!"
Crumpled in the corner,
clothed in a strangers cast-aways.
Dried up blood from society's abuse.
Torn hand in soiled bandage,
not to mention the
smell.
Hair nest to more than dirt
and hollowed out cheekbones
sag in the shadows.
The dogtags speak volumes
as does his green jacket.
I sat at home.
I had my nightcap,
and my catnap.
AWAKEN AMERICA!!
He is priceless
in this RAT TRAP.

[LosAngelesSooner]

The Man

However he found me,
I don't know.
I screamed IMPOSSIBLE!
Yet there he was.
How odd, this man who strides arrogantly.
What does he want?
Looks unusual, and voice hypnotic...
this could be a dangerous foe.
His accent exotic, and his words distressing...
this man could be my nemesis.
What he has said; controversial, blasphemous, contrary...
true?
This man could be my enemy.

[LosAngelesSooner]

Okay....some jokes?


Sure. These aren't mine. Not a one of them, but I'm passing them on.

Men are like...Bananas. The older they get, the
less firm they are.
Men are like...Bank Accounts. Without a lot of
money, they don't generate much interest.
Men are like...Bike helmets. Handy in an
emergency, but otherwise they just look silly.
Men are like...Blenders. You need one, but
you're not quite sure why.
Men are like...Cement. After getting laid,
they take a long time to get hard.
Men are like...Chocolate. Sweet, smooth, and
they usually head right for your hips.
Men are like...Coffee. The best ones are rich,
warm, full-bodied, and can keep you up all night long.
Men are like...Commercials. You can't believe
a word they say.
Men are like...Computers. Hard to figure out
and never have enough memory.
Men are like...Coolers. Load them with beer
and you can take them anywhere.
Men are like...Copiers. You need them for
reproduction, but that's about it.
Men are like...Curling irons. They're always
hot, and they're always in your hair.
Men are like...Government bonds. They take so
long to mature.
Men are like...High heels. They're easy to
walk on once you get the hang of it.
Men are like...Horoscopes. They always tell
you what to do and are usually wrong.
Men are like...Lawn Mowers. If you're not
pushing one around, then you're riding it.
Men are like...Lava lamps. Fun to look at, but
not all that bright.
Men are like...Mascara. They usually run at
the first sign of emotion.
Men are like...Mini skirts. If you're not
careful, they'll creep up your legs.
Men are like...Parking spots. The good ones
are already taken and the ones that are left are handicapped or
extremely small.
Men are like...Plungers. They spend most of
their lives in a hardware store or the bathroom.
Men are like...Popcorn. They satisfy you, but
only for a little while.
Men are like...Snowstorms. You never know when
he's coming, how many inches you'll get or how long he will last.
Men are like...Used Cars. Both are
easy-to-get, cheap, and unreliable.
Men are like...Vacations They never seem to
be long enough.
Men are like...Weather. Nothing can be done to
change either one of them.

[LosAngelesSooner]

The Statuette on Grandfather's Workbench

A set aside garage housed a kingdom of dusty planks
and magical contraptions.
Blades which honed, curved, and angled
and files which smoothed, layered, and cut.
Low rafters grasp long boards, thick logs,
flat plywood, knobby blocks, hoarding them close.

In the corner crouched a long workbench,
scarred from cutting and lathing.
Piled with nails, bolts, screws, nuts, washers,
sparkling like cat's eyes in headlights,
it resolutely denies gravity the weight it supports.
Discards, refuse, chattel, the offal of a craft, strewn out
across the haggard plateau like wreckage.

[LosAngelesSooner]

What to do...what to do...

[LosAngelesSooner]

What if the Dude from The Big Lebowski were to meet The Limey?

Let's find out, shall we?

[LosAngelesSooner]

But in order to do that...I'll have to do something else first.

[LosAngelesSooner]

Something that brings a smile to my face.

[LosAngelesSooner]

I'll just have to top FOUR PAGES IN A ROW.

Dolemite, you scurvy dog. You know not who you mess with.

[LosAngelesSooner]

OUTSIDE - DAYTIME. WE ARE AT A SMALL WOODEN TABLE WITH NO CHAIRS IN THE MIDDLE OF THE VAST UPPER MONGOLIAN STEPPES. AT ONE END OF THE TABLE STANDS WILSON, DAPPER IN A BLACK TUX WITH HIS GREY, CLOSE CROPPED HAIR WHISPING IN THE WIND, AND AT THE OTHER END STANDS THE DUDE, JEFFRY LEBOWSKI, IN A DIRTY WHITE V-NECK T-SHIRT AND BAGGY KAHKI SHORTS, RAT’S NEST BEARD AND HAIR ALSO WHISPING IN THE WIND, ALBEIT, MORE WILDLY, AS HE SIPS A WHITE RUSSIAN. SITTING IN THE MIDDLE OF THE TABLE IS AN URN.

DUDE
Who the **** are you?

WILSON
My name is Wilson.

DUDE
Nice to meet . . .

WILSON
Listen, mate, I tell ya . . . me mum told me on her visit when I was sent up, the second time . . . no it was the fird stretch, yeah the . . . wait . . . fird . . . fird . . . right, she tells me not to bloody let you Yanks bugger me, an what not. So give it over. The pot belongs to me.

[LosAngelesSooner]

DUDE
Yeah, well, you know, that’s just like, uh, your opinion, man.

WILSON
Oi, what are you in this? You a tea leaf?

DUDE
Uh, Tea Leaf, man?

WILSON
Tea Leaf. Theives, and whatnot. That’s me game, so there’s no reason to get yer knickers in a twist over this bullox, right, mate?

DUDE
Listen, man, I don’t under . . . I mean, what the hell are you, you . . . it’s just that I don’t know what you’re . . . you know?

WILSON
Oi, listen, I’ll squig this all out for ye. You got the pot, there, I need it for me work, acquisitions, and whatnot. I mean, I didn’t get all done up like some ****ing ******* calvary to bunk up with you, mate.

[LosAngelesSooner]

DUDE
Hold on, man, hold on. I can’t just let you take the, uh, pot, man. There’s a lot of in’s, lot of out’s, lot of what have you’s, lot of strands in the ol’ Dude’s head right now. I know you really want it, but. . .

WILSON pulls out a large gun and points it at the DUDE.

DUDE (cont’d)
Whoa, man, what’s with the piece?

WILSON
Now look, Squire, you’re the govenor here, I can see that. I’m on your manor there, so that’s that. Whatever this bullox is that’s goin’ on with your boss, that slig, Lebowski, I got no beef with him. So step away, but if you don’t then, wallop, you’re gonna get it ‘ere, cop it?

DUDE
But I don’t work for . . .

WILSON
You work for the Big Screw.

DUDE
The who?

WILSON
The boss man, the govenor, Big Lebowski, the fat cat.

DUDE
Oh, the Big Screw.

[LosAngelesSooner]

WILSON
So’s you’d better shove off or I’ll have to pump you full, right?

DUDE
This is a bummer, man. But you’ve gotta just, uh, think, man. I mean you can’t just go around walloping, to use the parlaence of our times, walloping the Dude, man. You know? Besides,
(takes a drink)
man, this, uh, this isn’t, I mean even though you want it, it isn’t your, uh, pot, man.

WILSON
That’s not my pot?

DUDE
****in’-A, man. ****in’-A.

WILSON
Lebowski . . .

DUDE
Dude.

WILSON
Eh?

DUDE
Just Dude, man. Or Dudeski, Duderama, his Dudeness, unless you’re into the whole brevity thing.

[LosAngelesSooner]

WILSON
Right. No reason to get snuffed over the pot. You give it over, no one’ll shop you out to the Big Screw. I don’t give a toss about nothin’ else. Give me the bloody pot and I’ll go.

DUDE pulls out a crumpled baggie of marajuana and tosses it on the table.

DUDE
Okay, man, but you could at least let me roll a “J” for the road...

WILSON looks at the baggie.

WILSON
What the hell is this?

DUDE
It’s my pot, man. You wanted my ****in’ pot, there it is! I mean, uh, you could have at least . . .

WILSON shoots the baggie three times, blowing it to smitherenes.

DUDE (cont’d)
Jesus! Now why’d you have to go and do that, man?

[LosAngelesSooner]

WILSON
You gotta go and make me life hard, right, mate? You chaps always tryin’ to make a joke outta fings.

DUDE
That was my pot, man!

WILSON
It meant sod all! Now you bugger off or I’ll blow off your Johnson.

DUDE
My what?

WILSON
Your shaft, your rod, your ****in’ wanka’!

DUDE
Oh, my Johnson.

WILSON
Top. Now, I’ll be goin’, if you don’ mind.

WILSON takes the urn and walks away.

DUDE
The Dude minds. This will not stand, uh, this aggression will not stand! Hey!

WILSON stops.

DUDE (cont’d)
If you could just take it, then why didn’t you just, take it, man?

WILSON
It would have been too easy. You had to know why.
WILSON walks off. The DUDE looks in the opposite direction.

DUDE
Far out, man. Far out.

FADE OUT.



The End.

[LosAngelesSooner]

And with that...I proclaim...it is now time for this little night owl to go to bed.

[proud gonzo]

i am so pissed i cant even type straight

some one shoot me PLEASE

that's the most intelligible post you've ever typed. irony, anyone?

[proud gonzo]

So now I get to catch all those brats talking about me in the members thread.

Not nice, guys. Not nice.

I haven't sniffed one BIT of paint.
i wasn't referring to you (though i can't say i hadn't wondered... ;) )

[LosAngelesSooner]

Arrrrgh. There be no paint here....Arrrrgh.

[dolemitesooner]

Did you say somthing beoncye?

[dolemitesooner]

I have got you so nuts you are breaking your owen rules and posting movie quotes.

[dolemitesooner]

Who needs paint anyway. why would I need paint . I dont even like paint chips

[dolemitesooner]

Ok well will you come out of your hole and play.

[dolemitesooner]

well ou bb is about to start. we will win so i could keep on posting.

[dolemitesooner]

I am skin deep in love with this gmae .

[dolemitesooner]

test one two three are you threre I catch you on and you run like i am dbhuge

[dolemitesooner]

Do you like chevy trucks?

[dolemitesooner]

I am a Fullmetal alchemist looking to cook your soul.

[dolemitesooner]

GET ready for the invasion of the dolemites fightin jack mules.

[jreed13]

i just wanted to interrupt dolemites domination of this thread

[dolemitesooner]

I will D.I.C.E YOU DOWN LIKE THE GIRL YOU ARE.

[dolemitesooner]

i AND MY POSSE have some with a unifed purpose to whimp your ***

[dolemitesooner]

YOU WILL LOSE ALL PERSONAL LIFE YOU CURENTLY HAVE IF YOu chanleng i

[dolemitesooner]

Do you understand the words that are comin out of my mouth ?

[jreed13]

not really :-/

[dolemitesooner]

You only know how to fight defensive ly la .

[dolemitesooner]

J creed 13 dont get me startted i showed you the promise land called the IT.

[dolemitesooner]

i WILL CHOKE YOU WITH THE FORCE OF WORD

[dolemitesooner]

cause i am the darth vader of sooners fans

totpymgtstbbmfcb

[dolemitesooner]

Do not come into this mass combat post war unless you plan to be anhilated

[dolemitesooner]

I will leave you dead sitting in youer office with feces on your feet

[dolemitesooner]

Do not test my knowledge of the random , my freind because i am the master of the random

[dolemitesooner]

I will bring many into the fold and preach the word of my house of divine provedince

[dolemitesooner]

My words are more amazing than jennifer garners titties

[dolemitesooner]

I will exile you from this message board before the come of the new dawn

[dolemitesooner]

THE new dawn that will be the orgin of your demise

[dolemitesooner]

the starship troopers are comein to your house beoncye

mcenizne quit traveling

[dolemitesooner]

Do you part , KILKL THEM ALL ALL WHO post in my domain