Partner's Ex issues...

[Soonerjeepman]

ok,

Background:
Been dating a lady for about a yr and 7-8 months. She's a great woman and we get along great. My relationship is civil with my ex when dealing with our kids (18/21) and any other issues.

She has 2 kids, boy 8, girl 16 (they both just turned in August). She divorced him, his background isn't stellar, she's always worked 2 jobs (teacher and after school teacher stuff), they had 30 rentals, could have made really good money but he was lazy. He ended up holding on to their $450K house and lost money, he now lives in one of his rentals in a not so good area, but still has at least 15-20 rentals that are paid for and rented out. Only pays $300 in child support for both kids, NEVER pays for any extra curricular activities. Will NOT talk to his ex no matter what..only txt or emails. Sits around playing video games and smoking dope.

I've always told her and the older girl, and believed I wanted the dad to be the dad...I'm just dating their mom.

Last May, I think, the dad tells the girl she's no daughter of his, spoiled, never wants to see her, basically an a$$, because she isn't comfortable going to his place. Didn't have a microwave, stove, etc for a long time. Always ate out. Cut her phone off. Never went to any of her basketball games.

All the while taking the son for his time, to Florida to WDisney, Royal's games, etc. Well, the boy is prob ADHA, very smart but has his issues...his mom asked his dad for permission to see a Dr. The dad goes off, Calls the son tells him he better get his crap together and then tops it off by telling him he is not welcome to come over until he has it under control....

WHAT AN A$$$$$$$$....

sorry just had to vent~

oh this guy actually had one of those "Best Dad" t-shirts on...lol, GF said HE must have bought it cause she sure as chit didn't

[SoonerStormchaser]

Personality sounds like my wife's ex...

They'll wallow in their misery and die unhappy...that's all the vengeance/payback we need...

[Soonerjeepman]

agreed, I actually feel sorry for him...he has such issues dealing with women (from his childhood it seems) but at some point (he's 54) ya got to fix it....feel for his girl.

[olevetonahill]

agreed, I actually feel sorry for him...he has such issues dealing with women (from his childhood it seems) but at some point (he's 54) ya got to fix it....feel for his girl.

None of my business, But IMHO, Just be there to support em if you really care. Never say anything bad about the dooshbag in front of em.
Listen and be considerate bout all ya can do.

[badger]

SF.com has convinced me to never get divorced... and if you all got to me before I got married, I probably would have stayed single ;)

hope everything works out for you and your potentially future extended family

[KantoSooner]

None of my business, But IMHO, Just be there to support em if you really care. Never say anything bad about the dooshbag in front of em.
Listen and be considerate bout all ya can do.

X 1,000,000

Just be there and be reliable yourself. How anyone can push their own kids away is beyond me.

Oh, and she's not my sister is she? Sounds just like her ex...

[Soonerjeepman]

LOL...nah, unless ya live in Dillon Colo?

Yeah, that's what I do...just be there. The really sad thing is the girl is wonderful kid...3.8 at a Catholic school, plays bball, nice, funny...would be a great daughter to have.

Badge, I don't "enjoy" the fact I'm divorced...sad really...I preach to my kids to really know themselves BEFORE they think of marriage...marry a FRIEND...boobs will sag... ;-)

[8timechamps]

I'm very fortunate, in that my ex and I have a great relationship. We agreed a long time ago that we would always put the boys first and never expose them to any issues we had with each other. I've learned over the years that my arrangement is very rare. I think the alimony has something to do with that :)

As for your deal:

Vet said it best, all you can do is be supportive of your GF and the kids. Sadly, the stuff between her and her ex is a situation that you cannot help with. I know, I've been pretty close to where you are.

One thing that I do know, is that kids perceive a lot more than parents give them credit for, and when kids grow up, they become adults. And most adults don't forget the way they were treated as kids. It may be a while, but one day, those kids will look back and realize how worthless their sperm donor was. They'll also realize how you supported them and their mother. And, even if you don't end up married to her, they'll remember you for the man you (are) were.

Nothing enrages me more than adults that use their kids as pawns in a divorce. Nothing.

[rock on sooner]

None of my business, But IMHO, Just be there to support em if you really care. Never say anything bad about the dooshbag in front of em.
Listen and be considerate bout all ya can do.

Yup, agree...what Vet sez...

[Soonerjeepman]

8 time...lol..yeah I'm sure when the Child support ends (this JUNE!!!) and alimony, even though we both teach I make about 10K more due to my masters....she'll be singin a different tune. Then ALL expenses will be shared, car insurance, health insurance...which I pay now on top of CS.

Agree, I'm just there...the 8 yr old is starting to see his dad as he is, confusing as hell for him non the less.

His unhappiness is all on him, unfortunately he brings the kids into it as well.

[KantoSooner]

Nothing enrages me more than adults that use their kids as pawns in a divorce. Nothing.

Very simply put: it's a form of child abuse.

[Soonerjeepman]

Very simply put: it's a form of child abuse.

yup, if she ends up going back to court she's filing for full custody, emotional child abuse...

[SanJoaquinSooner]

Overheard at a café:

Father: Don't you ever forget who is #1.

Daughter: I won't Daddy. You are.

[badger]

Overheard at a café:

Father: Don't you ever forget who is #1.

Daughter: I won't Daddy. You are.

My daughter is already playing favorites... usually whoever committed the least infractions of the day. If daddy refused to open the dishwasher so she could remove all of the silverware, mommy is favorite. If mommy got tired of reading the same book over and over and suddenly doesn't want to read anymore, daddy is favorite.

By morning, she loves us both again :)

[proud gonzo]

I'm just thankful I didn't have kids with my ex. yeesh.

[olevetonahill]

I'm just thankful I didn't have kids with my ex. yeesh.

If I had it all to do over, I'd of had a Vasectomy at 13.

[rock on sooner]

If I had it all to do over, I'd of had a Vasectomy at 13.

Now that there is 20/20 hindsight...:cheerful:

[C&CDean]

If I had it all to do over, I'd of had a Vasectomy at 13.

I'm pretty sure if your daddy had to do it all over he'd have cut his nuts off at 13 too Howie. Heh.

[8timechamps]

Overheard at a café:

Father: Don't you ever forget who is #1.

Daughter: I won't Daddy. You are.

If that conversation was immediately following a conversation about boys, then great!

Otherwise, my blood pressure just went up reading that.

[FirstandGoal]

As a single mom who doesn't have the best relationship with the father of her children (his doing, not mine) and as a woman who is now dating again, I have a few points of perspective here.

While no boyfriend/girlfriend/step parent can ever be a "replacement" for the crappy parent, they can at least be a positive role model both in how to treat their mother and how to treat kids.

Always, ALWAYS make sure the convos about the errant father never occur within hearing range of either kid. (throwaway comments are the hardest to monitor and control)

Likewise, any opinions you have absolutely must remain within you and not voiced to the kids (and possibly even your girlfriend)

I would never expect my boyfriend to take over the role of parent with either of my children. He can be a mentor, role model, or a friend, but never "parent." Ultimately all major decisions start and end with me until both kids become legal adults (one already is)

One day all of this will be in the past. Either you stay with your girlfriend (maybe even marry her) and both of you along with the grown kids can look back on these times as something that all of you shared and got through together and are stronger for as a result, or the relationship with your gf will end and it will truly be in the past.

[Soonerjeepman]

lol. nah I'm in it for the long haul.

I told her daughter early on that I wanted her and her dad to have a relationship, I was not there to replace.

NOW, the dip$hit has told the son, unless he behaves better in school he isn't coming to his house....then a few days later called to tell the son the he (dad) might as well move to Branson since he can't some see him...

WHAT A JACKA$$

[8timechamps]

lol. nah I'm in it for the long haul.

I told her daughter early on that I wanted her and her dad to have a relationship, I was not there to replace.

NOW, the dip$hit has told the son, unless he behaves better in school he isn't coming to his house....then a few days later called to tell the son the he (dad) might as well move to Branson since he can't some see him...

WHAT A JACKA$$

Yeah, he sounds like a real tool.

Sounds like you're doing exactly what you should be doing. I'm sure it's hard to see the kids going through that though.

[Soonerjeepman]

kills their mom...and I just sit and shake me head and try to comfort her.

Boy got diagnosed with ADHD, even with that he's not that bad, his dad is ADD and self-medicates - dope. He is such an A$$ HOLE...

I just do what I can...