When a loved-one dies..

[12]

and it is announced on a forum, does it irk you when someone responds with a specific religeos message?

Example: "He/She is resting peacefully with Our Lord and Savior, [insert particular deity here]."

I'm a fan of faith. However, I find this less of a comfort offering and more an advertisement.

And no, I haven't lost anyone. I just read such a post on another message board and it kinda caught me as odd.

[Eielson]

If coming from a person of faith, it is almost assuredly a genuine mark meant to give comfort, and not an advertisement.

[SicEmBaylor]

and it is announced on a forum, does it irk you when someone responds with a specific religeos message?

Example: "He/She is resting peacefully with Our Lord and Savior, [insert particular deity here]."

I'm a fan of faith. However, I find this less of a comfort offering and more an advertisement.

And no, I haven't lost anyone. I just read such a post on another message board and it kinda caught me as odd.

It irritates me, yes. The one remark that I find most disgusting and reprehensible is when a young child dies and a grieving family member is told that it's part of "God's plan." Those people should be throat punched.

[stoops the eternal pimp]

^Agree 100%

[12]

Good points by both of you. I'd still rather get a "Oh man, we're all thinking of you."

I guess it all boils down to how you sign the office sympathy card.

[Turd_Ferguson]

Those people should be throat punched.First, you have to be big enough to throat punch...

[jumperstop]

It irritates me, yes. The one remark that I find most disgusting and reprehensible is when a young child dies and a grieving family member is told that it's part of "God's plan." Those people should be throat punched.

Or the "they're in a better place" along the same lines. If we were all sure of there being a better place in death we would all just be lining up to die. Dying sucks, simple as that....

[Turd_Ferguson]

Or the "they're in a better place" along the same lines. If we were all sure of there being a better place in death we would all just be lining up to die. Dying sucks, simple as that....Don't be a dick..."being in a better place" can sometimes mean "not suffering anymore"...Experience this, then come back and talk out your ***...

[jumperstop]

Don't be a dick..."being in a better place" can sometimes mean "not suffering anymore"...Experience this, then come back and talk out your ***...

Well it could, but people also use to mean heaven is a better place than our earthly existence. And how am I being a dick?

To me the only dick here is the one who is trying to say "I've experinced more death than you, so stop talking out your ***...", but whatever makes you feel better. I was just agreeing with everyone else in the thread...

[12]

"In a better place" works when they have been suffering, I suppose. But if a kid gets hit by a car, or my sister is raped and shot in a parking lot, I would find little comfort in it.

[12]

When an office friend's mom died, I signed his card, "I think in your general direction."

I'm sure many who signed after me thought it tasteless, but he later thanked me for the laugh.

[hawaii 5-0]

I'm with Turd on this one.

Sometimes death is an end to suffering.

An internet message board might not be a good place to announce a deat5h in the family. Some people just won't take it well.

Private messages to friends might be better.

5-0

[Turd_Ferguson]

Well it could, but people also use to mean heaven is a better place than our earthly existenceYeah, and I bet that Heaven part just wears you the **** out, doesn't it...

[XingTheRubicon]

Dean should lock this thread so it can go to Heaven.

[MsProudSooner]

It irritates me, yes. The one remark that I find most disgusting and reprehensible is when a young child dies and a grieving family member is told that it's part of "God's plan." Those people should be throat punched.

I agree. Over the years, I've been to 3 funerals of kids between the ages of 14 and 19. At two of the funerals, part of the preacher's message was "If you want to see your friend again, you better join xyz church!" It infuriated me.

[kbsooner21]

I think this is being way overblown. I think posters who type these things do it with good meaning behind it, nothing more.

[SanJoaquinSooner]

http://a0.img.mobypicture.com/d010e2200a69506611fd303c62df3956_view.jpg

[SicEmBaylor]

http://a0.img.mobypicture.com/d010e2200a69506611fd303c62df3956_view.jpg
I hate you so much. I hate you so very very much.

[MamaMia]

Some people feel awkward and don't really know what to say but they try because they care. So what if they miss the mark a little. When you put something so sensitive out there on a message board though, you run the risk of receiving some naive comments, but most people mean well. Isn't that what really counts?

[KantoSooner]

Absolutely right Mama. I prefer to presume good intent and let it go. Social conventions are really handy when the situation swamps ones ability to frame the perfect words.

[dwarthog]

Mama's nailed it...

[delhalew]

I always felt a little weird about some of the comments people make. At funerals I made sure to stick to things like, "I'm so sorry. We're all going to miss him/her."

[RacerX]

I've settled on "I'm sorry for your loss".

[SanJoaquinSooner]

I remember when I was 8 years old and my dad died. Kids at school would say things like, "I know how you feel, my dog died last year."

[jk the sooner fan]

i've had to personally deal with several deaths in the last few years - and i never know what to say where i feel i'm saying something appropriate

i think most people are trying to say something helpful - look to their hearts, and not their lips.....very few of us are really any good at conveying sympathy that matters - and quite frankly - we do it as much for our own peace as we do for the person actually grieving

so no - i dont have a problem with somebody professing their faith when trying to comfort somebody - i realize that while their words may not be perfectly crafted - that where the message is coming from is what matters most

i can find a number of other things in life to be critical of


edit: and now i just read mama's post.....i'll just co-sign on to hers

[oudanny]

I try to accept expressions of sympathy in the spirit they are given regardless of my personal beliefs. The thing that irritates me is when some azzclown tries to make a cute joke about some tragic situation.

[badger]

As part of "joining the local Episcopal Church" sessions, one of the books I read had things specificially to NOT say to a grieving person/at a funeral. I remember one of them being "God must have needed her more than we did" or "He must have needed another angel in heaven" or "He's in a better place now" or "He is no longer in pain."

It was a very good list. I should get that book back and post it here. The main point was that nothing you can say to a grieving person is going to cause them to stop grieving. About the best thing, IMHO, that you can do is give them a hug and then give them space and time to grieve in their own way.

[badger]

this seems to be a good list:


What NOT to say or do

Never rush those grieving. Give them all the time they want with the body or at the gravesite.
Don't push those grieving to get it all out or express their grief.
Don't try to find a lesson in the event. Don't say "The Lord has something more," "It was God's will", "It was just his time", or "The Lord must have needed him more that we did."
Don't say "You're strong enough to handle this", "I admire your courage", or "God won't give you anything you can't handle." Statements like these may prevent people from asking for help when they need it.
Don't say "I know how you feel." It's impossible to know what someone else is feeling. Say instead, "I can't imagine how you're feeling." They may tell you what they feel, but don't push.
Don't say "Be grateful for the time you had with him", "at least she isn't suffering", or "you still have your memories." Say instead, "it doesn't matter how old our friends get, they're still missed when they're gone."
Don't say "you should be over this" or "you know she wouldn't have wanted you to feel this way". Statements like these cause people to feel guilty for grieving. Full recovery from the loss of a spouse may take years - some may never stop grieving.
Don't tell grieving parents to "be grateful for the children they still have".
Don't say, "If you need anything, let me know." Grieving individuals are often too overwhelmed to think of things for you to do. Instead say, "I want to help share your burden. Would it be helpful if I were to..."
Don't change the subject away from discussing the loved one.
Don't let your discomfort keep you from helping, calling, or visiting! Your avoidance will increase the confusion of those grieving.
DO SAY - I admired him because ...
DO SAY - I don't know what to say, just know I love you.
DO SAY - My thoughts and prayers are with you.
"Finally, keep your words short and remember that the person receiving them is in a very fragile state at that time. There is a long line of people who are waiting to come through and offer their condolences. He or she has probably been on their feet for an entire day and has not been able to eat or sleep well. If you're not good with words at times like this don't use them. A simple hug goes a long way in conveying your sorrow and serving as some comfort at a difficult time."

[OULenexaman]

Grieving...it's a process.

[jkjsooner]

It irritates me, yes. The one remark that I find most disgusting and reprehensible is when a young child dies and a grieving family member is told that it's part of "God's plan." Those people should be throat punched.

I agree about this specific phrase. While the belief may be genuine, I still think it's insensitive to phrase it that way.

In most other cases I agree with this:


If coming from a person of faith, it is almost assuredly a genuine mark meant to give comfort, and not an advertisement.

[Curly Bill]

Some people feel awkward and don't really know what to say but they try because they care. So what if they miss the mark a little. When you put something so sensitive out there on a message board though, you run the risk of receiving some naive comments, but most people mean well. Isn't that what really counts?

This^^^^

[jkjsooner]

Social conventions are really handy when the situation swamps ones ability to frame the perfect words.

Sheldon?

[stoops the eternal pimp]

this seems to be a good list:

Like that..thanks.

[olevetonahill]

If you the One grieving, Are you really listening to every thing others are sayin?

[MsProudSooner]

If you the One grieving, Are you really listening to every thing others are sayin?

Probably not.

I absolutely think that individuals who make comments mean well. It's hard to know what to say in the best of circumstances, but when a young person dies, it's 100 times harder.

[Curly Bill]

Is it appropriate to just say: Wow! Sorry about your luck?

[olevetonahill]

Is it appropriate to just say: Wow! Sorry about your luck?

Sucks to be YOU

[Curly Bill]

Sucks to be YOU

Now that's even better! ;)

[Mississippi Sooner]

I guess it's entirely bad form to mention that the sumbitch owed you 40 bucks.

[Curly Bill]

I guess it's entirely bad form to mention that the sumbitch owed you 40 bucks.

Hey, a debt's a debt!

[olevetonahill]

Now that's even better! ;)

Heh, Thot you might like it

[OklaPony]

Don't say, "If you need anything, let me know." Grieving individuals are often too overwhelmed to think of things for you to do. Instead say, "I want to help share your burden. Would it be helpful if I were to..."
This is one of the best points in the list. Not to sure about the "share your burden" part but offering a specific service instead of the blanket "anything" is a fantastic idea. Something as simple as going to the grocery store, picking up cleaning, offering to babysit, refueling a vehicle, bringing food, etc., etc., can be a great help.

[SanJoaquinSooner]

DO SAY - I admired him because ...

I buried my mom Easter weekend this year. Twelve years ago she suffered from a ruptured brain aneurysm leaving her paralyzed and without much of her memory - and in need of 24/7 care. The surgeon who repaired the artery said he had to use the biggest clip they make. Her personality completely changed.

They say about 17% of our GDP is spent on healthcare -- well my mom is responsible for a couple of those percentages.

What I enjoyed most about the funeral was friends and family telling stories about Mom back when she was normal.

[stoopified]

In January 2009 I lost my mother to cancer and I was greatly comforted by the expressions of prayer and wel wishes I recieved.In my case I was in fact online at Soonerfans when I recieved word Mom had passed. As I sm a Christian I do believe hat a better place awaits after death. I can't imagine how someone who believes that life on this earth is all there is to existence handles tragedy. I could not begin to deal with the trials of my life much less the tribulations of the world that have occured in my life(52 years). Personally I accept all positive thoughts and prayers, regardless of religous affiliation or lack thereof.

[Turd_Ferguson]

In January 2009 I lost my mother to cancer and I was greatly comforted by the expressions of prayer and wel wishes I recieved.In my case I was in fact online at Soonerfans when I recieved word Mom had passed. As I sm a Christian I do believe hat a better place awaits after death. I can't imagine how someone who believes that life on this earth is all there is to existence handles tragedy. I could not begin to deal with the trials of my life much less the tribulations of the world that have occured in my life(52 years). Personally I accept all positive thoughts and prayers, regardless of religous affiliation or lack thereof.

Great post, and I'm sorry for your loss. RIP Momma Stoopified.

Back on topic...I usually pay no tention to the critics of stuff like this. Usually, they are wet behind the ears, 20 something year old's that think they know everything...when in reality, they don't know **** about ****.meh

[diverdog]

It irritates me, yes. The one remark that I find most disgusting and reprehensible is when a young child dies and a grieving family member is told that it's part of "God's plan." Those people should be throat punched.

I am pretty sure you were not part of God's plan. :chuncky: If you were you'd be a Sooner.

[8timechamps]

Great post, and I'm sorry for your loss. RIP Momma Stoopified.

Back on topic...I usually pay no tention to the critics of stuff like this. Usually, they are wet behind the ears, 20 something year old's that think they know everything...when in reality, they don't know **** about ****.meh

Well said.

Besides, grieving a loss (whether it be a person close to you, or someone you just "know") is different for everyone. I've never heard anyone say anything to a grieving person that I would consider dumb or insensitive. It's what the person means that matters. I want to "throat punch" people that think they know everything about everything.

[budbarrybob]

If you the One grieving, Are you really listening to every thing others are sayin?
Yeah, You listen especially when they mean it. I lost my mother and step-dad within the span of 2 weeks last year. I remembered those who went out of their way (driving) and those that spoke from the heart.
The best thing I was told "call me if you need anything" Everyone probably knew I wouldn't call even if I needed anything. But those who seemed sincere about offering are the one's I remembered most.