Some relationship advice please.

[Peach Fuzz]

I've never been the jealous type, like it would eat at me or whatever if a girlfriend would hang out with single, flirty guys. But lately, I've been getting jealous to the point where I'm distancing myself from my girl just in case. Hell, even right now she's blowing my phone up with sweet messages and you'd think that would ease me up a little. I don't know why, but that isn't really helping anymore. From my experience, the times you should be on guard the most, is when everything seems perfect (as in she's being all lovey-dovey as if everything is wonderful).

She's going out a lot more lately and I've been holed up trying to graduate and work to make ends meet. It's not the easiest time in my life as I'm working close to 60 hours every week and trying to keep my grades up. It also seems like she's going through a really easy time and her lucky *** got like 20k given to her by her grandma or something. She's going out like 3-4 times a week with guys and is going to the Caribbean for 2 weeks while I'm working my *** off. I would be lying if I said it doesn't get to me.

Basically, I'm not worried about her finding a better guy, that's not really the issue. I'm just wondering how I can lose the jealousy and not dwell on trust. My ex screwed that up for me, so I'm trying to re-learn how to trust people. I know I need to talk to her about how I feel, I don't want to be with a club-rat...been down that road and wouldn't like to re-live it. I've even been thinking about cutting it off, but I'm going to have to learn how to deal with it someday, you'd think. Any advice? Real answers welcomed, smart-*** ones are fine by me too, would really appreciate real-thoughts though.

[olevetonahill]

I've never been the jealous type, like it would eat at me or whatever if a girlfriend would hang out with single, flirty guys. But lately, I've been getting jealous to the point where I'm distancing myself from my girl just in case. Hell, even right now she's blowing my phone up with sweet messages and you'd think that would ease me up a little. I don't know why, but that isn't really helping anymore. From my experience, the times you should be on guard the most, is when everything seems perfect (as in she's being all lovey-dovey as if everything is wonderful).

She's going out a lot more lately and I've been holed up trying to graduate and work to make ends meet. It's not the easiest time in my life as I'm working close to 60 hours every week and trying to keep my grades up. It also seems like she's going through a really easy time and her lucky *** got like 20k given to her by her grandma or something. She's going out like 3-4 times a week with guys and is going to the Caribbean for 2 weeks while I'm working my *** off. I would be lying if I said it doesn't get to me.

Basically, I'm not worried about her finding a better guy, that's not really the issue. I'm just wondering how I can lose the jealousy and not dwell on trust. My ex screwed that up for me, so I'm trying to re-learn how to trust people. I know I need to talk to her about how I feel, I don't want to be with a club-rat...been down that road and wouldn't like to re-live it. I've even been thinking about cutting it off, but I'm going to have to learn how to deal with it someday, you'd think. Any advice? Real answers welcomed, smart-*** ones are fine by me too, would really appreciate real-thoughts though.

Sounds to me like yer more jealous of her "Situation" (Finances and ease of them) than ya are other guys

You need to ax yerself ONE question
Why am I with this chick and then what do you want and need from a relationship.

Good luck

[SanJoaquinSooner]

Age and experience were the best cures for me. That probably doesn't help you presently. But if the Caribbean trip bothers you, maybe you should tell her.

[3rdgensooner]

You two are in very different places. It makes sense you would be uncomfortable.

Tell her how you feel, see if there's any room for compromise and take it from there.

[jk the sooner fan]

my advice would be to NOT seek relationship advice on a message board

[cleller]

Girls are whacko. If you devote yourself to them, most of them lose interest. If you're not that interested in them, they'll chase and hound you.

There is no logical way to pursue them. Find either a Vulcan woman, or an earth woman that hates other women.

[Lott's Bandana]

I was in a relationship a while back where I had really over-reached. I mean, this was a California Blonde with brains and "it". "It" being fill-in-the-blank "it". She was also Solomon-wise and one evening, during a conversation about relationships she said,

"Cheaters gonna cheat. It isn't about the one being cheated on, but almost always about the cheater. There isn't a thing the other person can say to change this, so there isn't really any point worrying about it. If it happens, then you have decisions to make...until then, just enjoy the companionship."

I realize that isn't particularly profound, yet coming from this amazing creature, it really hit home and I relaxed internally. She was right and I enjoyed another year of escorting her to nice restaurants where it would literally go silent when she walked into the room.

No, she never cheated. As far as I know, of course.

[badger]

You're getting pretty sound advice and insight here already Fuzz, but I think all of us who have been through the college thing understand the financial situation thing, not from girlfriend/boyfriend relationships, but every relationship. We all had the spoiled rotten roommate, the rich fraternity brother/sorority sister, older sibling who already graduated and had their own new fancy car and perfect job, the classmates that had their entire college paid for via the National Merit program or other BS scholarships that you only wish you had heard of sooner because you surely would have gotten them ahead of this bozo buffoon... the list goes on.

As the message on our church just got changed to this month: "It gets better." Cling to that notion. You are working hard to make ends meet, to complete your coursework, to make a better life for yourself and whoever you spend the rest of your life with. It will get better. It will suck now, but it will get better later.

Promise! :)

[KantoSooner]

The last two posts pretty much nail it.

Be happy with yourself and your own place and be caring, attentive (though not slavish) and open with your gf and don't let it hit you too hard if she moseys on down the road.

Take into account that I am divorced, so what do I know? On the other hand, I spent 17 years trying to make up for stuff that was missing inside her. Ultimately, you simply can't. (her subsequent two failed marriages and chaotic dating life would be my defense that I'm not simply in a sour grapes frame of mind.)

[StoopTroup]

Go see a Therapist. You're just lonely. Make sure she's HAWT or at least a cougar. That way you aren't pouring out your mixed up feelings to your GF who you aren't married to. I think that if you love her you won't ruin her good times because you are feeling a bit lonely as she is out having fun. Share the loneliness with a therapist or anyone that doesn't know your GF. Delete this thread. You are now part of Mission Impossible and this message will self-Destruct in 10 seconds.

Good Luck!

[Boomer.....]

Reminds me of the quote: "If you love someone, set them free. If they come back they're yours; if they don't they never were."

I would sit back, do your thing, and she will take care of the rest. It sounds like she cares about you by the messages. People grow out of the party scene. She's probably just blowing her newly acquired wealth.

[StoopTroup]

Reminds me of the quote: "If you love someone, set them free. If they come back they're yours; if they don't they never were."

I would sit back, do your thing, and she will take care of the rest. It sounds like she cares about you by the messages. People grow out of the party scene. She's probably just blowing her newly acquired wealth.

Exactly. If he gets through this he can later bring it up in marriage counseling in the 7th year when the itch hits again. :D ;)

[olevetonahill]

Reminds me of the quote: "If you love someone, set them free. If they come back they're yours; if they don't they never were."

I would sit back, do your thing, and she will take care of the rest. It sounds like she cares about you by the messages. People grow out of the party scene. She's probably just blowing her newly acquired wealth.

I think hes a bit worried thats not ALL shes Blowin

[achiro]

How old are each of you? How long in this relationship and how serious?

I'm sorry but going out without you 3-4 times a week is bad enough but with other guys is messed up. Unless this is just casual between the two of you.

[C&CDean]

my advice would be to NOT seek relationship advice on a message board

Why? How is it any different than seeking advice from friends/relatives/acquaintances/etc? You'll get a couple knuckleheaded responses, a few PIITB's, and maybe a few really good pieces of advice. Just because you've had nothing but bad experiences from this message board doesn't mean every does/has.

[Breadburner]

A friend of mine gave me some solid advice years ago and it struck a chord and stuck with me...."The only person in life you can control is you".......

[dwarthog]

No advice, but maybe some levity will help. You definitely are against it right now with a plate as full as yours. Hope it helps....


Dear Abby,

I've never written to you before, but I really need your advice on what could be a crucial decision.

I've suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on me. The usual signs...phone rings, but if I answer, the caller hangs up. My wife has been going out with the girls a lot recently, although when I ask their names she always says, "Just some friends from work, you don't know them."

I sometimes stay awake to look out for her cab coming home, but she always comes walking up the drive as I hear the sound of a car leaving, around the corner, as if she has gotten out and walked the rest of the way. Why? Maybe she wasn't in a taxi at all?

I once picked up her cell phone, just to see what time it was. This caused her to go completely berserk. She quickly snatched the phone out of my hand and cursed me hysterically, screaming that I should never touch her personal property, then accused me of trying to spy on her.

Anyway, I have never broached the subject with my wife. I think deep down I just didn't want to know the truth, but last night she went out again and I decided to really check on her. I decided I was going to park my Harley Davidson Lowrider next to the garage and then hide behind it so I could get a good view of the street around the corner when she came home. It was at that moment, crouching behind my motorcycle that I noticed a small amount of motor oil leaking through the gasket between the rear head and rocker arm cover.


So...is this something I can easily repair myself or do you think I should take it back to the dealer?

[jk the sooner fan]

Why? How is it any different than seeking advice from friends/relatives/acquaintances/etc? You'll get a couple knuckleheaded responses, a few PIITB's, and maybe a few really good pieces of advice. Just because you've had nothing but bad experiences from this message board doesn't mean every does/has.

my response had nothing to do with this message board or any other, and its the exact same response i would have given on any other message board

[badger]

In case you're wondering what the girlfriend's perspective is in situations like this, an Ask Amy letter:


DEAR AMY: I have been with my boyfriend for almost three years. I would like a bigger commitment from him. As a result, I decided to ignore him one night and have drinks with a male friend. My boyfriend happened to see us at the bar together and jumped to conclusions.

Early on in our relationship I met up with this same man and hung out with him on occasion. The relationship was a little bit too friendly — but basically innocent.

23

Comments

* Weigh In
* Corrections?

Personal Post

In fact, I chose to develop this relationship with this man because I was upset with my boyfriend because he was continuing a friendship with his ex-girlfriend.

Granted, I may have sought out the attention of other men based on my insecurity with the ongoing relationship my boyfriend has with his ex, but it was harmless and I never cheated or planned to cheat on my boyfriend.

I told him I would stop seeing this other man, but then I went ahead and met up with him again at a bar on Friday night. It really was innocent!

I think I am entitled to be friends with whoever I want. If he trusts me he should accept this. However, he feels insecure about this particular guy and now thinks I was sneaking around. Since we are not engaged or married I don’t think my boyfriend should be able to tell me who I can and can’t be friends with. What should I do? -- Upset

And Amy's response:


DEAR UPSET: Of course you should be able to have friendships on your own. But in an exclusive romantic relationship, these friendships should be transparent (the same goes for your boyfriend’s relationship with his ex).

So the next time you plan to hang out with this other guy, you should let your boyfriend know in advance, and invite him to stop by if he’s in the area.

Otherwise, you two are just playing a silly and dangerous game. This sort of drama might be fun to watch on reality shows, but in actual life it is demeaning and embarrassing. You are toying with other people to make a point.

You are too immature to get married. If you want to break up and date other people because you’re tired of doing this dance with your boyfriend, than do that.

If you love your boyfriend and want to get engaged, then be brave enough to tell him honestly.

So, some perspective. She might have no idea that you are upset, but if you've told her, she probably thinks you're overreacting. And alas, she won't be asking Amy for her opinion, so either put on your sunglasses and deal with it bro, or get outta the relationship.

[Viking Kitten]

Somebody who goes out and blows 20K doesn't sound like a person with a lot of responsibility or maturity. She's probably not a place in her life where she's ready for a serious relationship. Repeatedly going out with flirty, single guys? There's your sign, my friend. I'm not slamming the girl, mind you. She sounds like a normal, college-aged kid, out to have some fun. Good for her. She doesn't need to be doing it at your expense though. Let her go, tell her you wish her well, and maybe one day when she's a grown up you two can pick up where you left off.

[Viking Kitten]

Find either a Vulcan woman, or an earth woman that hates other women.

When a girl has no female friends, that's about the biggest red flag there is that the chick's a psycho. I speak from experience on this one.

[SicEmBaylor]

Why? How is it any different than seeking advice from friends/relatives/acquaintances/etc? You'll get a couple knuckleheaded responses, a few PIITB's, and maybe a few really good pieces of advice. Just because you've had nothing but bad experiences from this message board doesn't mean every does/has.

This has been my experience here. +1 to what you said.

[3rdgensooner]

When a girl has no female friends, that's about the biggest red flag there is that the chick's a psycho.Yep, bunny-boiler crazy, to be exact.

[badger]

When a girl has no female friends, that's about the biggest red flag there is that the chick's a psycho. I speak from experience on this one.

A red flag, but it depends on the girl. I mean, here Viking and I are, hanging out with all of you guys on the Intrawebs. :P

[C&CDean]

my response had nothing to do with this message board or any other, and its the exact same response i would have given on any other message board

You are one plain vanilla cardboard mother****er jon.

[C&CDean]

When a girl has no female friends, that's about the biggest red flag there is that the chick's a psychotic nympho. I speak from experience on this one.

FIFY

Chick is a semen depository.

[Viking Kitten]

True to Badger's post, I have a soft spot for boys, but I have girl friends too. Notice I didn't say "girlfriends," you sick twisters.:P

[Viking Kitten]

FIFY

Chick is a semen depository.

Which may have some appeal, yes. But just remember: crazy p***y is still crazy.

[olevetonahill]

Which may have some appeal, yes. But just remember: crazy p***y is still crazy.
But its still P***y

[jk the sooner fan]

You are one plain vanilla cardboard mother****er jon.

are you so insecure that somebody can't have an opinion contrary to your own?

let me ask you yer majesty - would you yourself seek relationship advice on a message board?

would you?

[8timechamps]

A friend of mine gave me some solid advice years ago and it struck a chord and stuck with me...."The only person in life you can control is you".......

Ding, ding, ding...we have a winner!

it's hard to realize this when you're younger, but in the end you can only control yourself. once you realize that, it makes it a lot easier.

[starclassic tama]

are you so insecure that somebody can't have an opinion contrary to your own?

let me ask you yer majesty - would you yourself seek relationship advice on a message board?

would you?as much as you would your group of jackass friends, or anyone else besides dear abby

[jk the sooner fan]

as much as you would your group of jackass friends, or anyone else besides dear abby

engrish please?

i simply think its a bad idea to throw out personal relationship advice in a public forum where you're going to get a plethora of ideas to "shop" from....if he knows somebody here and trusts their judgement - then sure - shoot that person, or a couple of people a private note and get all the friendly advice you can get

and its no slam at those who have offered advice - they have no vested interest - its a "dear abby" free for all - they (i'm assuming) don't know the guy or both sides of the story

my advice is to look elsewhere......dont take it personal or get your feelings hurt - my opinion has as much validity as any other response in this thread

[Viking Kitten]

But if he takes your advice not to take advice from a message board, then he's by definition taking advice from a message board, even though you advised him not to. OH GOD MY BRAIN CAN'T HANDLE THE PARADOX WE'VE CREATED.

[olevetonahill]

But if he takes your advice not to take advice from a message board, then he's by definition taking advice from a message board, even though you advised him not to. OH GOD MY BRAIN CAN'T HANDLE THE PARADOX WE'VE CREATED.

Heh good one

[jk the sooner fan]

But if he takes your advice not to take advice from a message board, then he's by definition taking advice from a message board, even though you advised him not to. OH GOD MY BRAIN CAN'T HANDLE THE PARADOX WE'VE CREATED.

yes.......it's just the internet......words and such

[8timechamps]

engrish please?

i simply think its a bad idea to throw out personal relationship advice in a public forum where you're going to get a plethora of ideas to "shop" from....if he knows somebody here and trusts their judgement - then sure - shoot that person, or a couple of people a private note and get all the friendly advice you can get

and its no slam at those who have offered advice - they have no vested interest - its a "dear abby" free for all - they (i'm assuming) don't know the guy or both sides of the story

my advice is to look elsewhere......dont take it personal or get your feelings hurt - my opinion has as much validity as any other response in this thread

I have never understood people that post "Don't look for advice on a message board" type things. Especially from someone that has posted over 30,000 times. I have no idea how old you are, but maybe you have trouble wrapping your mind around the current generation and how it relates to modern social media.

Do you even enjoy posting here? Serious question. It seems like you are so negative when you post, which makes me ask "why bother"? If I were so negative, or felt that posting was so cumbersome, I'd find something else that brought be joy. Life's too short to be grumpy on a message board.

[I Am Right]

my advice would be to NOT seek relationship advice on a message board

Good Post

[cleller]

As an afterthought, always think twice about revealing you perceived faults or shortcomings to a female. Sure, with the right woman it can help her understand you or whatever- in a Dr. Phil sort of way. With a vindictive woman, since she cannot rise up and punch your lights out when provoked, any verbal weaknesses you have betrayed can be used against you. Women never forget your mistakes.

[soonerhubs]

The resident soon to be PhD in family relations chiming in (defense date is April 5th!): Level with her. Tell her your concerns. If she invalidates them, there's your answer. Move on and be grateful to find out before more attachment occurs.


If she listens and wants to be considerate of your concerns, then you may have a good thing going.

[Tulsa_Fireman]

Good Lord, it took this long?

PIITB.

Thank you, I'll take your answer off the air.

[soonerhubs]

Good Lord, it took this long?

PIITB.

Thank you, I'll take your answer off the air.

:)

[jk the sooner fan]

I have never understood people that post "Don't look for advice on a message board" type things. Especially from someone that has posted over 30,000 times. I have no idea how old you are, but maybe you have trouble wrapping your mind around the current generation and how it relates to modern social media.

Do you even enjoy posting here? Serious question. It seems like you are so negative when you post, which makes me ask "why bother"? If I were so negative, or felt that posting was so cumbersome, I'd find something else that brought be joy. Life's too short to be grumpy on a message board.

seriously? you read "negative" in "dont ask for relationship advice on a message board" or were you just looking for something that isnt there. i didnt say "dont look for advice....".......i said, "dont look for RELATIONSHIP" advice

see, its my opinion that relationships are personal and complex things - with two sides to the story.....i've asked for advice plenty of times in those 30K posts over 9 or so years- but never on something as personal as my relationship.....i'll save that advice for a few trusted friends - rather than seek a free for all

he asked for advice - i gave him my opinion....its really as simple as that... there was no negativity, there was no anti-sf.com agenda, it wasn't addressed at anybody that had posted any advice (in fact i think my post was pretty early on), it wasnt a shot at anybody's ability to give opinions......it was JUST MY OWN OPINION - FOR HIM

you and dean and whoever else chose to take it for something that it wasnt

so have fun with that....

[I Am Right]

Geeez

[12]

Cut your losses.

[oudavid1]

You two are in very different places. It makes sense you would be uncomfortable.

Tell her how you feel, see if there's any room for compromise and take it from there.

Wow. I am blown away by how much I just learned in two lines. A+, sir.

[Turd_Ferguson]

Wow. I am blown away by how much I just learned in two lines. A+, sir.lol...

[Tulsa_Fireman]

Punch her in the back of the head next time you're railing her. If she likes it, tell her that her sister does too.

If she stays with you after that, it's MEANT TO BE.

DESTINY.

[3rdgensooner]

Wow. I am blown away by how much I just learned in two lines. A+, sir.Thank you, girlfriend.

[SanJoaquinSooner]

Wow. I am blown away by how much I just learned in two lines. A+, sir.

That's cause she has a Ph.D. in interpersonal skills.

[8timechamps]

Punch her in the back of the head next time you're railing her. If she likes it, tell her that her sister does too.

If she stays with you after that, it's MEANT TO BE.

DESTINY.

This!


Excellent advice.

[Soonerjeepman]

Which may have some appeal, yes. But just remember: crazy p***y is still crazy.

AMEN!!!...

yeah..how old are ya? I was that way in college as well...just grew out of it...and my buddy gave me great advice...all ya can do is love them and they are going to do what they are going to do...(the old love them let them go thing..) but BE HONEST...communication is the KEY!

I'm 47 just got divorced..would have done a lot of things different...got 2 great kids out of 18 ****ty yrs...but good Lord, dating NOW is a joke..

every woman wants the perfect guy...rich, good looking, nice, funny, confident, humble, empathetic, traveler...yeah..he exist...it's called KEN...problem is his knees don't bend and he's 8 inches tall...lol..

[SicEmBaylor]

every woman wants the perfect guy...rich, good looking, nice, funny, confident, humble, empathetic, traveler...yeah..he exist...it's called KEN...problem is his knees don't bend and he's 8 inches tall...lol..'

If this were true then I'd be flooded with the wimmins.

[Soonerjeepman]

'

If this were true then I'd be flooded with the wimmins.

you 8" TALL, NOT LONG...and can't bend your knees? lol...

[jk the sooner fan]

sic'em is smooth "down there"????

**this was meant as a joke, and not to be taken in any sort of negative way

[SanJoaquinSooner]

Often, it's all about timing. I can think of 4 or 5 of my relationships with women who would make great wives. But it just wasn't a match due to timing.

[SanJoaquinSooner]

El deseo muere automáticamente cuando se logra: morir para estar satisfechos.

El amor es un lugar de eterna insatisfacción

[StoopTroup]

^Take her to the Donkey Show? :D;)

[SicEmBaylor]

you 8" TALL, NOT LONG...and can't bend your knees? lol...
I can bend my knees, but the 8" tall part isn't far off the mark.

[SicEmBaylor]

sic'em is smooth "down there"????

**this was meant as a joke, and not to be taken in any sort of negative way
Not that it's any of yo bidness, but smooth as a baby's ***. SMOOOTH.

[KantoSooner]

I remember being asked by one of the secretaries in an office in Tokyo how 'long' I was. She had obviously meant to ask 'tall' (it was back in the days when the Japanese were really quite short). Great merriment was had by all at her expense.

And it was the start of a very nice six month romance.

Clear communication is the best foundation for any relationship. And I was left in no doubt regarding what was on her mind.

[jk the sooner fan]

Not that it's any of yo bidness, but smooth as a baby's ***. SMOOOTH.

you realize that "ken doll smooth" means something different right?

[SicEmBaylor]

you realize that "ken doll smooth" means something different right?
I do now. *shame*

[olevetonahill]

I do now. *shame*
Ya fingered out it means ya aint "Atomically" correct huh?

[SicEmBaylor]

Ya fingered out it means ya aint "Atomically" correct huh?

I'm not sure if this pun was intentional or not, but if so then let me be the first to tip my hat to you.

[Soonerjeepman]

I'm not sure if this pun was intentional or not, but if so then let me be the first to tip my hat to you.

lol...no doubt..good one!

[SanJoaquinSooner]

Often, it's all about timing. I can think of 4 or 5 of my relationships with women who would make great wives. But it just wasn't a match due to timing.


Milas Kunis agrees in a Harper's Bazaar interview for its April issue. "Being in a relationship's great. But it's all about the timing."

[jk the sooner fan]

I do now. *shame*

well....thanks for sharing that you're all shaved like an 11 year old ;)

[StoopTroup]

H
well....thanks for sharing that you're all shaved like a ghey Texan 11 year old boy. ;)

FIFY :D