PDA

View Full Version : Need advice?



SOONER STEAKER
7/17/2011, 10:10 PM
I have stopped working to take care of my mother who has alzheimer's (spell error) I asked my sister to spend more time with mom as I am almost worn out. Her response was, "I choose not to come over." i told her I would no longer answer her phone calls and give her daily updates on mom.

Have I done the right thing?

87sooner
7/17/2011, 10:14 PM
I have stopped working to take care of my mother who has alzheimer's (spell error) I asked my sister to spend more time with mom as I am almost worn out. Her response was, "I choose not to come over." i told her I would no longer answer her phone calls and give her daily updates on mom.

Have I done the right thing?

no...
take the high road...
it's a stressful situation i'm sure..
everyone handles stress differently...
pray for your mom....and your sister...

SanJoaquinSooner
7/17/2011, 10:20 PM
Hard to say - depends on your circumstances if stopping working is the right thing to do.

Don't know your sister's circumstances either, and the context of her statement.

Partial Qualifier
7/17/2011, 10:20 PM
i'd say since you're the one who manned up and did the right thing - that has to be a tough situation you're in, bro - if your sis "chooses" not to help at all, you can treat her however you wish at this point. Just don't go overboard because she may come around and make a better choice soon.. but only if you dont completely shut the door on her.

Sorry about the situation with your mom... and Congrats on making what had to be a hard decision to stay with her & help her out. Much respect to you for that.

Breadburner
7/17/2011, 10:32 PM
Yes.....You did.....

olevetonahill
7/17/2011, 10:46 PM
If yer Mom could give you advise, What would she suggest?

StoopTroup
7/18/2011, 12:58 AM
If it's becoming to much of a strain for you, cut back. Your Sis has the right to feel the way she does too. It could be your Daily updates have made her feel bad that she doesn't help.

Family illnesses like these are hard on everyone sometimes. Cut back and instead of telling your Sister your cutting off all communication because she won't help....tell her you need to cut back on visits to your Mom as it's becoming very difficult for you to keep up this pace you have been on. Let her know you aren't cutting her off just that you are only going to fill her in when there is something to tell her.

That way...maybe you don't cause a divide between you and your Sister and maybe she will find a way to visit your Mom on her own.

Let her understand, you have to take care of yourself or there won't be anyone to check in on your Mom. You have to have a life too.

picasso
7/18/2011, 08:05 AM
If it's becoming to much of a strain for you, cut back. Your Sis has the right to feel the way she does too. It could be your Daily updates have made her feel bad that she doesn't help.

Family illnesses like these are hard on everyone sometimes. Cut back and instead of telling your Sister your cutting off all communication because she won't help....tell her you need to cut back on visits to your Mom as it's becoming very difficult for you to keep up this pace you have been on. Let her know you aren't cutting her off just that you are only going to fill her in when there is something to tell her.

That way...maybe you don't cause a divide between you and your Sister and maybe she will find a way to visit your Mom on her own.

Let her understand, you have to take care of yourself or there won't be anyone to check in on your Mom. You have to have a life too.

His sister has the right to refuse to care for or visit an ailing mother? That's just pathetic selfish behavior.
I'm getting close to the same thing with my mother. She repeats herself often but I deal with it. My brother and I live within 40 miles of my folks but both of my sisters live out of state.
Do all you can for them, regardless of how much it sucks.

1890MilesToNorman
7/18/2011, 08:12 AM
I feel your pain, I'm in a similar situation. I have found out that there is no easy answer to the issue.

1890MilesToNorman
7/18/2011, 08:20 AM
You have to have a life too.

Exactly, if you don't live a little for yourself you will become sick as well. Experience speaking here.

jk the sooner fan
7/18/2011, 08:22 AM
honesty is the best policy

i'd tell her how you feel, and then follow it up that you love her (assuming you do)

have a mature adult discussion with her - ask her why she chooses not to come? find out why she feels that way before writing her off (i cant imagine writing off any of my family - ever)

SOONER STEAKER
7/18/2011, 08:32 AM
Thanks for all the advice. I don't know how I'm gonna handle her, I don't express myself very well so I can only imagine I'll drop a couple "F" bombs and tell her to get her arse in the game.

jk the sooner fan
7/18/2011, 08:44 AM
Thanks for all the advice. I don't know how I'm gonna handle her, I don't express myself very well so I can only imagine I'll drop a couple "F" bombs and tell her to get her arse in the game.

maybe a more subtle gentle approach - remember - adult, mature, etc etc

healthy language - this is your mother you're talking about

picasso
7/18/2011, 09:28 AM
In my case, my parents have always been there for me so it's my time to be there for them.
Regardless of how painful or uncomfortable the situation may be.

olevetonahill
7/18/2011, 09:32 AM
In my case, my parents have always been there for me so it's my time to be there for them.
Regardless of how painful or uncomfortable the situation may be.

I've always been there for My kids. I dont want nor expect them to sacrifice their lives to take care of me when I aint got a clue as to what time it is. Park my old cranky *** some where and get on with life.

Now if I still know whats going on? sure come see me ever now and then. But take care of yer family 1st.

3rdgensooner
7/18/2011, 09:38 AM
You've made the valiant decision to take care of your Mom, so do it with a glad heart. Get outside help a couple of days a week so that you can regroup and rejuvenate--let go of the expectations around your sister or anyone else. If they were going to step up, they would have by now.

Speaking from experience, at some point you won't be able to care for her safely and completely. Think ahead on what the possible next steps are.

KantoSooner
7/18/2011, 10:14 AM
Further to 3rdgen's:

You also, at some point, will need legal advice. And the sooner you get it, the better as some of the estate planning, etc takes time. And, if your mom is not well to do, this is even more important as your margin for error is slimmer. If your sister and other family are going to be difficult, it is critical that you have things well organized.
Speaking from experience, my family is, for better or worse, long lived. My mom's cared for five relatives into their 90's. Removing the monetary woes through early planning helps immensely. (And that can include, as it did with one uncle, signing his house over to the state and having him go on welfare. It doesn't mean he had to live hand to mouth, but it shielded him from bill collectors and medical bill related hassles. He'd left things way too long and was out of options.)
Do this, the planning, soon.

Aldebaran
7/18/2011, 10:21 AM
Look for local adult daycare centers in your area and give yourself a few breaks. Ask your sister if she can help support that.

rekamrettuB
7/18/2011, 10:39 AM
Thanks for all the advice. I don't know how I'm gonna handle her, I don't express myself very well so I can only imagine I'll drop a couple "F" bombs and tell her to get her arse in the game.

Write/email her. That way you can write all those F bombs and then re-write a better communicated letter that will result in the best possible situation for all involved. It's very therapeutic to write then re-write things.

DIB
7/18/2011, 10:50 AM
Look for local adult daycare centers in your area and give yourself a few breaks. Ask your sister if she can help support that.

Adding to this: Ask your sister to help pay for a home health profession that can some check on your mom, to remove some of the burden off of you.

And I second the post related to estate planning. It isn't fun, but it is something everyone has to do from poor to rich. If not done properly and in a timely manner, not only will you leave your family when you die, but you will leave them with a ton of debt. I would also recommend getting power of attorney, if you don't already. It can help you do what is right for your mother, without the rest of your family interfering.

MamaMia
7/18/2011, 10:53 AM
Not that there is an acceptable answer but I would ask her why she choses not to come over? Does your mother ask for her?

SOONER STEAKER
7/18/2011, 11:46 AM
My sister wants mom in a nursing home. I hate them. My father (RIP)had a bad experience with one and I promised dad that I wouldn't let mom go to a nursing home, hence, why I am taking care of mom full time. As for all the legal issues, everything is taken care of. I will look into a living facility where mom can maybe go for an afternoon a week. There is one very close to the house, just never thought about it till someone in an earlier post reminded me.

I do so much appreciate everyone's input, it's very therapeutic to hear from you all.

3rdgensooner
7/18/2011, 11:47 AM
My sister wants mom in a nursing home. I hate them. My father (RIP)had a bad experience with one and I promised dad that I wouldn't let mom go to a nursing home, hence, why I am taking care of mom full time. There will be a point where you need help. Trust me on this.

Mjcpr
7/18/2011, 11:48 AM
Yep. And there will be a point where Hospice is needed and those folks do an excellent job.

If you are able and want to care for her in the home, that is 1000 x better than any nursing home I've ever seen unless you have a buttload of money.

pphilfran
7/18/2011, 11:55 AM
His sister has the right to refuse to care for or visit an ailing mother? That's just pathetic selfish behavior.
I'm getting close to the same thing with my mother. She repeats herself often but I deal with it. My brother and I live within 40 miles of my folks but both of my sisters live out of state.
Do all you can for them, regardless of how much it sucks.

It is not selfish...it is a 24 hour a day job taking care of a 100 lb plus infant...

My dad has Alzheimer disease..while waiting for a nursing home bed to open up I spent a month sleeping on the floor in front of his door to keep him from leaving the house in the middle of the night...he actually beat the living snot out of me thinking I had broken into the house and had no idea who I was...

My dad's doctor's husband had alz and she didn't try to take care of him herself...

My Dad's best friend has the disease and his wife attempted to take care of him but a physical breakdown caused her to put him into a nursing home....

The only people that I have had success with home care have had at least 16 hours a day of home nursing care...Nancy Reagan had success by using round the clock help...

You might feel that it is your responsibility to take care of them at home...but it is a mistake...

pphilfran
7/18/2011, 11:57 AM
There will be a point where you need help. Trust me on this.

This

pphilfran
7/18/2011, 12:00 PM
Yep. And there will be a point where Hospice is needed and those folks do an excellent job.

If you are able and want to care for her in the home, that is 1000 x better than any nursing home I've ever seen unless you have a buttload of money.

Do you realize the cost? A minimum of 10 bucks an hour...and for 10 bucks an hour you ain't getting a mental giant to care for that person....and it is a 24 hour a day job to take care of the loved one...

There ain't a good choice in the matter...

Jammin'
7/18/2011, 12:02 PM
It is not selfish...it is a 24 hour a day job taking care of a 100 lb plus infant...

My dad has Alzheimer disease..while waiting for a nursing home bed to open up I spent a month sleeping on the floor in front of his door to keep him from leaving the house in the middle of the night...he actually beat the living snot out of me thinking I had broken into the house and had no idea who I was...

My dad's doctor's husband had alz and she didn't try to take care of him herself...

My Dad's best friend has the disease and his wife attempted to take care of him but a physical breakdown caused her to put him into a nursing home....

The only people that I have had success with home care have had at least 16 hours a day of home nursing care...Nancy Reagan had success by using round the clock help...

You might feel that it is your responsibility to take care of them at home...but it is a mistake...

My grandfather tried to take care of my grandmother and it killed him. She followed a year later after being in and out of different facilities. I wish he would have been able to let someone else help, I think he might still be here or at least could have met my 1st child. But I certainly understand and respect his decision to go it alone while he could.

Mjcpr
7/18/2011, 12:02 PM
Do you realize the cost? A minimum of 10 bucks an hour...and for 10 bucks an hour you ain't getting a mental giant to care for that person....and it is a 24 hour a day job to take care of the loved one...

There ain't a good choice in the matter...

Yes, I do. Hospice was no cost when I dealt with them. Hospice doesn't need to be a mental giant, they care for their physical needs and they keep them comfortable at the end. I can only speak from my experience with them and it was excellent.

The
7/18/2011, 12:04 PM
There ain't a good choice in the matter...

This.

There comes a point where whatever the Alzheimer's patient's situation is, it won't matter.

3rdgensooner
7/18/2011, 12:06 PM
This.

There comes a point where whatever the Alzheimer's patient's situation is, it won't matter.

I heard someone refer to the last phase of a loved one with Alzheimer's life as: Going to the same funeral over and over again.

That hit the nail on the head for me.

pphilfran
7/18/2011, 12:08 PM
Yes, I do. Hospice was no cost when I dealt with them. Hospice doesn't need to be a mental giant, they care for their physical needs and they keep them comfortable at the end. I can only speak from my experience with them and it was excellent.

We went that route and Dad was too much for them...

It is a monster disease...some mile manner folks go wild...and wild folks can turn into sheep...

All it took was one aggressive stance from my Dad and the were out of the house...

You can manage for a short period of time but over the long run you will kill yourself trying to take care of a 100 lb infant...

We are a little over 4 years into the deal and it has set us back nearly a quarter mill to date...

picasso
7/18/2011, 12:10 PM
I've always been there for My kids. I dont want nor expect them to sacrifice their lives to take care of me when I aint got a clue as to what time it is. Park my old cranky *** some where and get on with life.

Now if I still know whats going on? sure come see me ever now and then. But take care of yer family 1st.

I don't mean spend every waking moment with them. But I make sure I see them a few times a week and they see my kids as often as possible.
I thought the OP more or less said she didn't want to do any of it. That's just not right.

pphilfran
7/18/2011, 12:11 PM
I heard someone refer to the last phase of a loved one with Alzheimer's life as: Going to the same funeral over and over again.

That hit the nail on the head for me.

If you talk to most doctors they will tell you that your attempt to take care of the person might make you feel good but the person being cared for won't even realize where they are or what is going on...

We had to rag on the nursing home and file one complaint...but one of us three kids visit every day to check on how well they are taking care of Papa Bear...

It is a terrible, terrible disease with no good outcome...

picasso
7/18/2011, 12:13 PM
It is not selfish...it is a 24 hour a day job taking care of a 100 lb plus infant...

My dad has Alzheimer disease..while waiting for a nursing home bed to open up I spent a month sleeping on the floor in front of his door to keep him from leaving the house in the middle of the night...he actually beat the living snot out of me thinking I had broken into the house and had no idea who I was...

My dad's doctor's husband had alz and she didn't try to take care of him herself...

My Dad's best friend has the disease and his wife attempted to take care of him but a physical breakdown caused her to put him into a nursing home....

The only people that I have had success with home care have had at least 16 hours a day of home nursing care...Nancy Reagan had success by using round the clock help...

You might feel that it is your responsibility to take care of them at home...but it is a mistake...

You missed what I was saying. Yes, my siblings and I are going to have to make some tough decisions about care when the time is right. I'm simply talking about not shutting your folks completely out just because things are going bad.

pphilfran
7/18/2011, 12:14 PM
I don't mean spend every waking moment with them. But I make sure I see them a few times a week and they see my kids as often as possible.
I thought the OP more or less said she didn't want to do any of it. That's just not right.

His sis might be just like mine...every time she sees Dad the tears start to flow...little sis forces herself to see him...and it breaks my heart to see her so down when she used to be so upbeat so I pick up some of her visitation days...

3rdgensooner
7/18/2011, 12:14 PM
My siblings and I had to make my Dad find suitable care for Mom when she got to the point where he couldn't "make" her shower. We were satisfied with the care she got once admitted to a long term facility in a locked down wing that was specifically oriented toward dementia patients.

She died last year, but Dad is still with us. And for that I am very thankful.

pphilfran
7/18/2011, 12:16 PM
You missed what I was saying. Yes, my siblings and I are going to have to make some tough decisions about care when the time is right. I'm simply talking about not shutting your folks completely out just because things are going bad.

Your future choices are going to be bad....and bad...

soonerchk
7/18/2011, 12:27 PM
My sister wants mom in a nursing home. I hate them. My father (RIP)had a bad experience with one and I promised dad that I wouldn't let mom go to a nursing home, hence, why I am taking care of mom full time. As for all the legal issues, everything is taken care of. I will look into a living facility where mom can maybe go for an afternoon a week. There is one very close to the house, just never thought about it till someone in an earlier post reminded me.

I do so much appreciate everyone's input, it's very therapeutic to hear from you all.
When my father was dying, I had to promise him that I wouldn't let my mother move her mother into the house so my mother could care for her.

He also made my brothers promise that they wouldn't let me put my mother in a home with no phone.

pphilfran
7/18/2011, 12:30 PM
My siblings and I had to make my Dad find suitable care for Mom when she got to the point where he couldn't "make" her shower. We were satisfied with the care she got once admitted to a long term facility in a locked down ward that was specifically oriented toward dementia patients.

She died last year, but Dad is still with us. And for that I am very thankful.

Us kids dropped the ball...both Mom and Dad had the disease...we could see some signs but everything still looked like it was going fine...

Little did we know that they covered for each other...the two of them almost made a whole person...

Then Dad had a kidney problem and Mom wouldn't let him go to a doctor...she knew she couldn't handle it on her own...

My BIL is on the Lawton PD and we had to force Mom to let us take Dad to the hospital..Mom was throwing chit...Dad was moaning an groaning from hurting so bad...we had to call in a police cruiser and an ambulance to take him to the hospital...

I was the only one who could control Mom...I took her twice a day to see Dad in the hospital...when I took her back home she didn't even realize it was her home...she was living back in Ponca City as a teenager...

She became uncontrollable and we had to admit her to the Silver Linings ward of the hospital (SL deals with dementia)...they put her on medication to try and tone her down...

In a week they turned her into a drooling zombie...they pulled her off of all medication and started over...

The normal time in SL is about a week and a half...after three weeks they said they had to release her...

I told the doctors that we had another week before she could get into a nursing home...

They said we would have to take her home...when I questioned them about how that would work out their answer was short and sweet...she will die within a month...

So I had few choices...pitch a tent in the parking lot of the hospital or take her home to die...

Their doctor (the one who had the husband with alz) took charge...she said she didn't like the sound of her breathing so she checked Mom into the hospital to run tests...the test took just enough time to get a bed freed up at the best nursing home in town...

Mom fretted over Dad...knew he was dead even though she saw him every day...

She lasted a month in the nursing home before she died of cardiac arrest..she grieved herself to death over Dad...

StoopTroup
7/18/2011, 01:00 PM
I wish you well with your Mom. It sounds like she's in pretty good hands. There are no easy answers usually. Just make sure you take care of yourself and if you get blasted for making decisions by folks who aren't involved, it just doesn't matter. If you need help...I agree with Hospice. They are a great organization. I have dealt with them 3 times now. I know of no better situation if you wish to continue to care for your Mom. They are very understanding and helpful.

DIB
7/18/2011, 01:04 PM
Maybe I am confused. I thought Hospice care was a short term solution to minimize symptoms of a terminally ill patient that is about to die. Where as a long term care facility (like a nursing home) is for patients with indeterminate life spans, where they get actual treatment.

3rdgensooner
7/18/2011, 01:05 PM
Maybe I am confused. I thought Hospice care was a short term solution to minimize symptoms of a terminally ill patient that is about to die. Where as a long term care facility (like a nursing home) is for patients with indeterminate life spans, where they get actual treatment.You are correct. I think the more appropriate term is "respite" care.

soonerchk
7/18/2011, 01:08 PM
Maybe I am confused. I thought Hospice care was a short term solution to minimize symptoms of a terminally ill patient that is about to die. Where as a long term care facility (like a nursing home) is for patients with indeterminate life spans, where they get actual treatment.

Hospice can be brought in when the patient has a life expectancy of up to 18 months.

DIB
7/18/2011, 01:09 PM
You are correct. I think the more appropriate term is "respite" care.


Hospice can be brought in when the patient has a life expectancy of up to 18 months.

I am not looking forward to the day when I have to know these things.

pphilfran
7/18/2011, 01:11 PM
I am not looking forward to the day when I have to know these things.

If you are a male you will probably die before you get Alzheimer...

I would imagine that 80% of all nursing home patients are female...

3rdgensooner
7/18/2011, 01:12 PM
I am not looking forward to the day when I have to know these things.


If you are a male you will probably die before you get Alzheimer...Then he would not need to know these things. I think he's referring to caring for an elderly family member.

soonerchk
7/18/2011, 01:13 PM
I am not looking forward to the day when I have to know these things.


If you are a male you will probably die before you get Alzheimer...

I would imagine that 80% of all nursing home patients are female...

I do not know this from having Alzheimers or even caring for someone with Alzheimers. I know it from having a dad and a grandfather with cancer.

pphilfran
7/18/2011, 01:14 PM
Then he would not need to know these things. I think he's referring to caring for an elderly family member.

My bad...

DIB
7/18/2011, 01:14 PM
If you are a male you will probably die before you get Alzheimer...

I would imagine that 80% of all nursing home patients are female...

I am referring to my mother. Knowing my brothers, most of the burden of care will fall to me. My mom isn't that old and she already has physical ailments that make it difficult for her to take care of herself.

soonerchk
7/18/2011, 01:16 PM
I am referring to my mother. Knowing my brothers, most of the burden of care will fall to me. My mom isn't that old and she already has physical ailments that make it difficult for her to take care of herself.

I was fortunate that my brothers stepped up. My sister didn't do squat and then attention whored the funeral after not being bothered to show up when we told her it was time if she wanted to see them alive.





But I'm not bitter.

Mississippi Sooner
7/18/2011, 01:16 PM
We have come to a point in our medical technology that we can prolong the life of a person with a chronic condition way past the point of comfort or dignity. That person can stay in a care facility like a nursing home and can be continuously be brought back from the brink through emergency procedures. There comes a point, though, when it becomes obvious that the patient is never going to "get better," and in fact his or her suffering is only being prolonged.

That doesn't make it any easier when it comes time to make the decision to put a loved on into a hospice, especially if that loved one has reached the point of only semi-coherence. I pity those who have to make that decision. I hope it's a long, long time before I have to, again.

soonerchk
7/18/2011, 01:17 PM
We have come to a point in our medical technology that we can prolong the life of a person with a chronic condition way past the point of comfort or dignity. That person can stay in a care facility like a nursing home and can be continuously be brought back from the brink through emergency procedures. There comes a point, though, when it becomes obvious that the patient is never going to "get better," and in fact his or her suffering is only being prolonged.

That doesn't make it any easier when it comes time to make the decision to put a loved on into a hospice, especially if that loved one has reached the point of only semi-coherence. I pity those who have to make that decision. I hope it's a long, long time before I have to, again.

And that's why you have a DNR on file.

pphilfran
7/18/2011, 01:18 PM
I am referring to my mother. Knowing my brothers, most of the burden of care will fall to me. My mom isn't that old and she already has physical ailments that make it difficult for her to take care of herself.

I feel for ya...

Make sure she has her finances in order...do it now while she still has the mental capacity to make sound decisions..

After 4 years I am still dealing with financial problems...today I am dealing with screwed up tax returns from 2008...

pphilfran
7/18/2011, 01:18 PM
And that's why you have a DNR on file.

YES YES YES!!!!!!

3rdgensooner
7/18/2011, 01:19 PM
We have come to a point in our medical technology that we can prolong the life of a person with a chronic condition way past the point of comfort or dignity. That person can stay in a care facility like a nursing home and can be continuously be brought back from the brink through emergency procedures. There comes a point, though, when it becomes obvious that the patient is never going to "get better," and in fact his or her suffering is only being prolonged.

That doesn't make it any easier when it comes time to make the decision to put a loved on into a hospice, especially if that loved one has reached the point of only semi-coherence. I pity those who have to make that decision. I hope it's a long, long time before I have to, again.My mom had a DNR in place. There were no extreme measures taken to prolong her life. However, she was a force of nature and was not going to go gently into that good night.

Mississippi Sooner
7/18/2011, 01:22 PM
My mom had a DNR in place. There were no extreme measures taken to prolong her life. However, she was a force of nature and was not going to go gently into that good night.

My dad didn't. And he really thought he was somehow going to at least be ambulatory again at some point. We fought that battle for over three years, as he went through procedures that some healthy people wouldn't have been able to survive, before he finally had that moment of clarity. I put him into the hospice, and he passed away less than three weeks later.

pphilfran
7/18/2011, 01:23 PM
My mom had a DNR in place. There were no extreme measures taken to prolong her life. However, she was a force of nature and was not going to go gently into that good night.

That is my Papa Bear...congestive heart failure...pace maker... dementia...Alzheimer...

But with 3 squares a day and no pressure he will outlive us all...

KantoSooner
7/18/2011, 01:23 PM
That brings up an important and unpleasant topic: making sure end-of-life decisions can be made in accord with your family's beliefs.

If you, for instance feel strongly that life should not be prolonged when hope of recovery is nil, be very careful when selecting a hospital/care facility. Many are affiliated with religious orders who will not stop with the heroics. Likewise, if you believe that no effort should be withheld, make sure the facility's policies are in accord with your wishes.

When it comes down to crunch time, you will have little in the way of emotional reserves and perhaps little in the way of legal options.

My family has been very lucky; but largely that has been because of several doctors who were family friends who on occaission bent the rules a bit to make the results come out right.

soonerchk
7/18/2011, 01:24 PM
My grandfather died the day hospice showed up. He decided he didn't need some strangers wiping his butt, so off he went.

My dad liked the little hospice girls just fine, though.

soonerchk
7/18/2011, 01:27 PM
That brings up an important and unpleasant topic: making sure end-of-life decisions can be made in accord with your family's beliefs.

If you, for instance feel strongly that life should not be prolonged when hope of recovery is nil, be very careful when selecting a hospital/care facility. Many are affiliated with religious orders who will not stop with the heroics. Likewise, if you believe that no effort should be withheld, make sure the facility's policies are in accord with your wishes.

When it comes down to crunch time, you will have little in the way of emotional reserves and perhaps little in the way of legal options.

My family has been very lucky; but largely that has been because of several doctors who were family friends who on occaission bent the rules a bit to make the results come out right.

This cannot be overstated. When my paternal grandmother was ill, she told everyone that she did not want to stay alive on a machine. When the time came to make those decisions, my cousin pulled out all the stops to make sure that she was kept alive in spite of her wishes. As a result, my uncle and his daughter still do not speak 10+ years later.

Make sure you decide what you want, get it in writing, and give a copy to anyone who might be making that call, including your attorney.

SOONER STEAKER
7/18/2011, 04:14 PM
My brother just returned from taking my mom to the dr. Dr. recommended Hospice, they will be in later this week to see if she qualifies with all her symptoms.

I'm praying that she qualifies as sometimes I feel I'm not gentle enough with her when I have to get her out of the chair and back into bed.

I do so much appreciate all your thougths and expiences on this subect!!!

KantoSooner
7/18/2011, 04:26 PM
DO NOT BEAT YOURSELF UP.

Your mom did her best raising you, but you got bumps and bruises from time to time. You're doing your best to care for her in her time of need. What is left of 'her' knows you're giving your best.

soonerchk
7/18/2011, 06:39 PM
My brother just returned from taking my mom to the dr. Dr. recommended Hospice, they will be in later this week to see if she qualifies with all her symptoms.

I'm praying that she qualifies as sometimes I feel I'm not gentle enough with her when I have to get her out of the chair and back into bed.

I do so much appreciate all your thougths and expiences on this subect!!!

Unless the rules have changed, she qualifies because the doctor recommends it.

Good luck, it's not easy but you won't regret doing everything you can reasonably do for her.

SOONER STEAKER
7/18/2011, 07:53 PM
I wasn't given the whole truth. Mom's kidney's are failing and they will be doing an MRI to see how many TIA's she has had recently. Dr. told my brother he needs to make all necessary arrangements that need to be made so that all of mom's affairs are in order.

I had to call my brother to find this info out as one of my sisters posted in on FB before I was told. I am very disappointed with my brother for not sharing this vital info that was discussed with the dr.

northspeter
7/18/2011, 07:56 PM
I wasn't given the whole truth. Mom's kidney's are failing and they will be doing an MRI to see how many TIA's she has had recently. Dr. told my brother he needs to make all necessary arrangements that need to be made so that all of mom's affairs are in order.

I had to call my brother to find this info out as one of my sisters posted in on FB before I was told. I am very disappointed with my brother for not sharing this vital info that was discussed with the dr.

god bless...

StoopTroup
7/18/2011, 08:02 PM
Hang in there Steaker....^ ditto

usmc-sooner
7/18/2011, 08:06 PM
I wasn't given the whole truth. Mom's kidney's are failing and they will be doing an MRI to see how many TIA's she has had recently. Dr. told my brother he needs to make all necessary arrangements that need to be made so that all of mom's affairs are in order.

I had to call my brother to find this info out as one of my sisters posted in on FB before I was told. I am very disappointed with my brother for not sharing this vital info that was discussed with the dr.

my prayers are with you. I'm sorry. I'm sure your mom doesn't want a family divided.

SOONER STEAKER
7/19/2011, 08:44 PM
Didn't say a word to my sister, she has spent 2 hrs with mother the last 2 days. Mercy Hospital Hospice starts tomorrow. I am Happy for my mother as she will be receiving professional care from someone who will treat her with the upmost repsect and kindness.

Please keep Amy (my mother) and all the sick in your daily prayers!

Ctina
7/20/2011, 10:11 AM
Sorry to hear about your mom. If the time comes where you do need to think of a nursing home, please know that there are good ones out there. I've never worked in one, but have done a some clinical shifts in a couple different ones. Choose carefully and visit often, and they can be very helpful. Many of the people I met there cared greatly for their patients. There will always be the chance of a bad apple, but honestly that goes for hospitals as well.

MamaMia
7/20/2011, 10:16 AM
Didn't say a word to my sister, she has spent 2 hrs with mother the last 2 days. Mercy Hospital Hospice starts tomorrow. I am Happy for my mother as she will be receiving professional care from someone who will treat her with the upmost repsect and kindness.

Please keep Amy (my mother) and all the sick in your daily prayers!The Hospice people will be in constant contact with the doctor. You will be able to get all the information about your moms condition from them.

Chuck Bao
7/20/2011, 01:51 PM
Prayers for all of your family, SOONER STREAKER.

And prayers to all of the families who are going and have gone through such difficult situations.

Thanks to everyone posting in this thread about their own experiences. You are giving all of us great advice.