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View Full Version : The Horrifying Truth of Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban



Thaumaturge
7/15/2011, 11:38 PM
For those of you who have read the Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban book (the ORIGINAL and therefore TRUE printing), you have no doubt noticed what seems to be a horrifying error on the part of its author, JK Rowling. Allow me to summarize thusly:

Background

Hermione Granger, the know-it-all wizard girl who nobody really likes but she serves important exposition purposes, is in possession of perhaps the most powerful magical item yet seen: a time turner. She needs it so she can take more classes. However, it comes in useful, surprisingly, in saving some lives... this time (Who would have ever thought of that, Dumbledore?).

So, Harry Potter and Hermione the Girl go back in time to do some ****, but while they are there, they have to stay out of sight, lest their past selves see themselves and screw up all kinds of stuff. Thus, they spend a few hours creeping around the bushes and spying on themselves doing all the things they did a few hours earlier...

Or do they?

*ahem*

The Alleged Error

On the first run through (on page 380) Harry and his cohort are leaving the secret tunnel beneath the Whomping Willow tree. Crookshanks (Hermione's cat) goes up first to step on a special knot on the tree to keep it from whomping the rest of them. Next follow Lupin, Pettigrew, and Ron. Then Sirius Black magically guides an unconscious Snape up out of the tunnel. Then Harry and Hermione go. Lastly, Black exits.

Now, when Harry and Hermione are watching this same event take place from the bushes on page 408... what happens is... (emphasis mine)

"They saw Lupin, Ron, and Pettigrew clambering awkwardly out of the hole in the roots. Then came Hermione. . . then the unconscious Snape, drifting weirdly upward. Next came Harry and Black."

That's not the way it happened the first time.

The Suspects

There is only one possible explanation... Someone else is meddling with time.

But who and why?

Who else knew about the time turner? Albus Dumbledore, the headmaster. The Ministry of Magic. Professor Minerva McGonagall. Let's think about these suspects.

My first guess would be Albus Dumbledore, but he is such a useless twit that he'd never bother to actually to do something that required him to be interesting in the least.

The Ministry of Magic? Worthless, cowardly bureaucrats, all of them.

McGonagall? She's barely a character. Why the hell would she want to do it?

It's a difficult question indeed. It makes no sense for any of them to meddle with time travel. So, for now, let's move on to exactly what could have happened to change the time-line in such a seemingly trivial way.

The Missing Link

Someone in the procession (Lupin, Pettigrew, Ron, Snape, Hermione, Harry, and Black) had to have been affected for the order of their exits to be different, yet they would clearly have noticed something strange had a time-traveler done anything to them. We are, of course, ignoring one other character who was there: Crookshanks, Hermione's pet cat. Might he have been affected by the time-traveler, indirectly causing his owner Hermione to move forward in the queue? The cat was in the lead the first time around; he has to be in order to keep the rest safe from the Whomping Willow. Curiously, he is not mentioned the second time around. Clearly, he has to be there, otherwise they all would have gotten whomped. Why wouldn't he be mentioned? He's actually an important character; a lot of the book is spent on Crookshanks issues. Why is JK Rowling ignoring his obvious presence here?

What could he be doing? Just standing there, pressing the knot? That would have been easy enough to mention. Plenty of other mundane details are mentioned in the goings-on. Maybe he was doing something that Rowling felt would be too awkward or inappropriate to address in a (first-and-foremost) children's book. Pooping? No, not only was Rowling comfortable addressing such topics in Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets (its subtext is all about her bathroom hang-ups), but also why the hell would any of our suspects want to travel back in time to cast a Pooping Spell on a cat? It would make no sense.

The Cat-****ing

That leaves one last possibility: Crookshanks was porking some other cat. Right there under the Whomping Willow. JK Rowling has, at this point, yet to show any willingness to address porking. And it makes sense in our inquiry: Perhaps Hermione heard the tell-tale sounds of cat-****ing, thought "Crookshanks! No!" and dashed ahead of the unconscious Snape in the queue to leave the tunnel to stop the cat-porking. It's a workable hypothesis.

So, which possible time-traveler benefits from sending a cat for Crookshanks to pork? Dumbledore? No, he clearly likes young boys. The Ministry of Magic? They might be ineffectual and cowardly, but they are at least dignified. McGona... oh god.

Professor McGonagall, the Cat-****er

McGonagall, as we know, is an Animagus. She can transform into a cat at will.

But why? Well, obviously, because she wants to get porked, but I mean, why does she need to do it then and there?

Why can't she just **** the cat any old time? No alibi. If she does it in the present, then McGonagall is missing and, hey, what's that strange cat Crookshanks is ****ing? Too easy to get found out, especially with Albus Dumbledore as the headmaster.

"Okay, okay," I hear you saying, "so it makes sense for her to travel back in time to do her cat-****ing, but why do it at that exact time when so much is at stake? Why not travel to an ordinary time when past-McGonagall is grading scrolls up in Gryffindor tower or teaching her Transfiguration class? She'd have her alibi, and her cat-****ing wouldn't interfere with the important Sirius Black-related plotline." I must admit: You've obviously given a great deal of thought to the idea of time-traveling cat-****ing. But you're overlooking an important point: Not only does McGonagall have to avoid being caught cat-****ing, she also must not be caught time-traveling without authorization. And what is the most likely way she'd be caught? If she inadvertently caused a wrinkle in the time-line, if she caused something to change.

Therefore, she had to travel to a time where there was already a known time-traveler so that any changes to the time-line would be attributed to him or her. Hermione the Girl was the only authorized user of the time turner, so McGonagall's only options were the times when Hermione was using the time turner. Every other instance of Hermione using it was simply to attend class. If she was attending class, her movements were all witnessed and documented. There was no opportunity for her to cause any time-related ****-ups out in the gardens near those two cats ****ing. Therefore, Professor McGonagall's only choice was to get porked by Crookshanks under the Whomping Willow in the middle of the plot.

There now. As they say, once you have eliminated the impossible, whatever remains, however improbable, must be the truth.

(I warn you, though, if you have a later edition, this whole plotline has apparently been removed, one assumes because of complaints from parents about the implicit cat-****ing. I take this as a confirmation that I am right about all of this.)

Ctina
7/16/2011, 05:42 AM
I... She... Well... Damn. That effing McGonagall.



BTW, here's a whole list of mistakes in the other books that you can spin your tales with. http://harrypotter.wikia.com/wiki/Mistakes_in_the_Harry_Potter_books

C&CDean
7/16/2011, 07:56 AM
You've got way too much time on your hands, and Dumbledore didn't "clearly like little boys." That whole revelation came about because somebody was interviewing Rowling about his sexuality way after all the books were written. You're inserting something that wasn't there then. Hmmmm?

Anyhow, carry on with your silliiness.

Thaumaturge
7/16/2011, 09:19 AM
You've got way too much time on your hands, and Dumbledore didn't "clearly like little boys." That whole revelation came about because somebody was interviewing Rowling about his sexuality way after all the books were written. You're inserting something that wasn't there then. Hmmmm?

Anyhow, carry on with your silliiness.

Too much time on my hands, eh? Well, obviously yes, that's why I'm reading the Harry Potter books. But if one is going to read them, they are meant to be read critically. These aren't merely children's books; that's only the first layer. Rowling has crafted a multi-layered story with all sorts of subtext waiting to reveal itself, like a giant onion, to the discerning, open-minded reader. Dumbledore's many flaws constitute one of the more pungent layers awaiting you. If you can't see them, you're missing out and you've a real treat waiting for you the next time you read these powerful, powerful novels.

I can't wait to see what Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire has hidden in its thick, plodding depths!

sappstuf
7/16/2011, 09:22 AM
Too much time on my hands, eh? Well, obviously yes, that's why I'm reading the Harry Potter books. But if one is going to read them, they are meant to be read critically. These aren't merely children's books; that's only the first layer. Rowling has crafted a multi-layered story with all sorts of subtext waiting to reveal itself, like a giant onion, to the discerning, open-minded reader. Dumbledore's many flaws constitute one of the more pungent layers awaiting you. If you can't see them, you're missing out and you've a real treat waiting for you the next time you read these powerful, powerful novels.

I can't wait to see what Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire has hidden in its thick, plodding depths!

http://3.bp.blogspot.com/_wAxDMfEGhoY/TMuWrpgfuaI/AAAAAAAAAVk/tGhRx4Bmkt0/s1600/Not+Sure+if+serious.jpg

GottaHavePride
7/16/2011, 09:51 AM
MAn, I think you're reading a little too much into a copy error that might have been caught had they not all been rushing like hell to cash in on the phenomenon with another book.

SIDE NOTE:
Seriously, if you notice how the basilisk fangs and sword of Gryffindor affect events all the way through the very end of the series, but notice that virtually nothing of importance from the FIRST book has any bearing on how the story wraps up... I don't think Rowling had planned a 7 book series when she wrote the first one. That's why so many little errors like this crop up.

AlboSooner
7/16/2011, 10:12 AM
Too long

Howzit
7/16/2011, 12:09 PM
You've got way too much time on your hands, and Dumbledore didn't "clearly like little boys." That whole revelation came about because somebody was interviewing Rowling about his sexuality way after all the books were written. You're inserting something that wasn't there then. Hmmmm?

Anyhow, carry on with your silliiness.

Ooooooh, strike a nerve, did he?

GDC
7/16/2011, 12:45 PM
If you were going to pick an animal to change into to have sex, why a cat?


The female will utter a loud yowl as the male pulls out of her. This is because a male cat's penis has a band of about 120–150 backwards-pointing spines, which are about one millimeter long; upon withdrawal of the penis, the spines rake the walls of the female's vagina

soonerchk
7/16/2011, 12:46 PM
So Sweet Minerva McGonagall was actually a cat****er? I totally thought she had the hots for Dumbledore! Who knew?

Thaumaturge
7/16/2011, 12:52 PM
If you were going to pick an animal to change into to have sex, why a cat?

And so the depths of McGonagall's perversion deepen!

yankee
7/16/2011, 12:53 PM
All this Harry Potter talk of late has me intrigued. Literally on my way to Barnes and Noble to buy a few HP books! Plus, the prospect of cat****ing has me intrigued!

Thaumaturge
7/16/2011, 12:57 PM
MAn, I think you're reading a little too much into a copy error that might have been caught had they not all been rushing like hell to cash in on the phenomenon with another book.

SIDE NOTE:
Seriously, if you notice how the basilisk fangs and sword of Gryffindor affect events all the way through the very end of the series, but notice that virtually nothing of importance from the FIRST book has any bearing on how the story wraps up... I don't think Rowling had planned a 7 book series when she wrote the first one. That's why so many little errors like this crop up.

No, once you start trying to explain so-called "errors" with outside stuff about Rowling or book-publishers as opposed to established in-universe logic, the whole illusion falls apart. THESE ARE NOT MERELY CHILDREN'S BOOKS. This cannot be re-emphasized enough.

Mongo
7/16/2011, 12:57 PM
Plus, the prospect of cat****ing has me intrigued!

be sure to duct tape their paws or they will filet you open

Breadburner
7/16/2011, 01:00 PM
be sure to duct tape their paws or they will filet you open

I just duct tape two together...It feels more natural that way.....Always make sure they are facing away from you.....

yankee
7/16/2011, 01:06 PM
be sure to duct tape their paws or they will filet you open

I'm in it for the thrill. If a little blood is sacrificed, then it adds to the suspense.

Mongo
7/16/2011, 01:07 PM
looks like we got a masochist on our hands

Mongo
7/16/2011, 01:08 PM
HP to cat ****ing. you people are sick

SouthCarolinaSooner
7/16/2011, 01:22 PM
You've got way too much time on your hands, and Dumbledore didn't "clearly like little boys." That whole revelation came about because somebody was interviewing Rowling about his sexuality way after all the books were written. You're inserting something that wasn't there then. Hmmmm?

Anyhow, carry on with your silliiness.
Dumbledore and Grindelwald, it just wasn't mutual from Grindelwald.

dynersooner
7/16/2011, 04:46 PM
No, once you start trying to explain so-called "errors" with outside stuff about Rowling or book-publishers as opposed to established in-universe logic, the whole illusion falls apart. THESE ARE NOT MERELY CHILDREN'S BOOKS. This cannot be re-emphasized enough.

What about my illustrated copy? Childrens book, or no?

But srsly, I tend to agree with your initial assessment, although I'm not sure you've properly vetted all possible theories. (see Tina post)

C&CDean
7/16/2011, 06:10 PM
Dumbledore and Grindelwald, it just wasn't mutual from Grindelwald.

That's why Dumbledore waxed his wizardly *** in that duel. Hell hath no fury like a queenie scorned.

soonerboomer93
7/16/2011, 06:12 PM
http://www.boston.com/yourtown/news/assets_c/2011/06/Screen%20shot%202011-06-28%20at%204.16.04%20PM-thumb-200x302-44954.png

http://www.boston.com/yourtown/news/quincy/2011/06/a_god_in_harry_potter_quincy_p.html

C&CDean
7/16/2011, 06:43 PM
http://www.boston.com/yourtown/news/assets_c/2011/06/Screen%20shot%202011-06-28%20at%204.16.04%20PM-thumb-200x302-44954.png

http://www.boston.com/yourtown/news/quincy/2011/06/a_god_in_harry_potter_quincy_p.html

suhweeeeet.

AlboSooner
7/16/2011, 07:06 PM
I think Tolkien and Lewis have exhausted the magic/wizards stories with an underlying Christian worldview genre, well before JK Rowling.

TitoMorelli
7/16/2011, 07:08 PM
J. K. Rowling is James Joyce's bastard granddaughter



(and sired by Thomas Pynchon, no doubt).

C&CDean
7/16/2011, 07:09 PM
J. K. Rowling is James Joyce's bastard granddaughter



(and sired by Thomas Pynchon, no doubt).

Possibly, because the James Joyce is the best pub in Baltimore. Who the hell is this Pynchon homo?

Smash
7/16/2011, 10:04 PM
Is The Chamber of Secrets as bad of a sequel as The Godfather II? I think it is.

soonerboomer93
7/16/2011, 10:09 PM
suhweeeeet.

I copied it from 8 theories Crome insane hp fans
http://nbcu.mo2do.net/s/showPage.do?pageId=8319641&homePageId=8319639&itemId=tag%3Ablastr.com%2C2011%3A%2F%2F29.81739&fullPageUrl=2011%2F07%2Feight-theories-from-insan.php

That first like in some chistian theory in prisoner of azkiban

Jammin'
7/16/2011, 10:22 PM
Is The Chamber of Secrets as bad of a sequel as The Godfather II? I think it is.

You meant Godfather III, right?


Cuz, what you have written really doesn't make any sense.


Or are you a woman? That might make a little more sense. (no offense shamp)

soonerinabilene
7/16/2011, 10:57 PM
Thats the 2nd post ive seen on this board that said Godfather II was a horrible sequel. Im willing to bet those two people think the prequels were better than the original star wars, too.

Thaumaturge
7/17/2011, 01:21 AM
Thats the 2nd post ive seen on this board that said Godfather II was a horrible sequel. Im willing to bet those two people think the prequels were better than the original star wars, too.

Actually, just the opposite. The Godfather II is the equivalent of the Star Wars prequels. They are both gratuitous retreads that cover the same background material that is implicit in the originals.

On the other hand, Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets introduces a whole different angle in the Hogwarts saga: How does the Wizarding World appear through the lens of Poop Neuroses? Thus, it is a superior sequel to both The Godfather II and the Star Wars prequels.

MamaMia
7/17/2011, 05:27 AM
Do the Harry Potter movies titled Part 1 have a part 2? :confused:

Ctina
7/17/2011, 07:32 AM
Do the Harry Potter movies titled Part 1 have a part 2? :confused:

Do you mean like the part 2 that opened two days ago? Then yes. ;)

Jammin'
7/17/2011, 08:36 AM
Actually, just the opposite. The Godfather II is the equivalent of the Star Wars prequels. They are both gratuitous retreads that cover the same background material that is implicit in the originals.

On the other hand, Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets introduces a whole different angle in the Hogwarts saga: How does the Wizarding World appear through the lens of Poop Neuroses? Thus, it is a superior sequel to both The Godfather II and the Star Wars prequels.

I agree with on the cat-****ing time warp issues. I mean, that all makes perfect sense. But I'll have to respectfully disagree with you on gf II being equal with star wars prequels. On that topic I believe you've swallowed too much peyote.

Thaumaturge
7/17/2011, 09:37 AM
I agree with on the cat-****ing time warp issues. I mean, that all makes perfect sense. But I'll have to respectfully disagree with you on gf II being equal with star wars prequels. On that topic I believe you've swallowed too much peyote.

Well, half of it is a prequel showing Vito's ascendance, which is just fleshing out stuff that was better when it was implied in the first movie. The other half, about Michael losing his family and his soul, was already completely set in place by the end of the first movie as well. Part 2 is just dragging out what was already there.

Clearly, yes, it's written and acted better than the Star Wars prequels, and it doesn't **** all over the originals in the ways the three Star Wars prequels do. But the fundamental flaw of superfluity is the same.

C&CDean
7/17/2011, 09:39 AM
You're a weird mother****er.

XingTheRubicon
7/17/2011, 10:12 AM
Well, half of it is a prequel showing Vito's ascendance, which is just fleshing out stuff that was better when it was implied in the first movie. The other half, about Michael losing his family and his soul, was already completely set in place by the end of the first movie as well. Part 2 is just dragging out what was already there.

Clearly, yes, it's written and acted better than the Star Wars prequels, and it doesn't **** all over the originals in the ways the three Star Wars prequels do. But the fundamental flaw of superfluity is the same.

GF II is without question, the best sequel in the history of cinema. If you're actually a grown man that's deeply invested in wizard books, you should probably not concern yourself with how heavy the phone is.

Thaumaturge
7/17/2011, 10:18 AM
GF II is without question, the best sequel in the history of cinema.

...said with the same dogma as a cultist.

XingTheRubicon
7/17/2011, 10:30 AM
perhaps, after you touch a woman, you'll feel differently

we're all rootin for you

Thaumaturge
7/17/2011, 10:46 AM
perhaps, after you touch a woman, you'll feel differently

we're all rootin for you

...and there's a textbook defense mechanism when the dogma is challenged.

Do go on.

sappstuf
7/17/2011, 10:51 AM
You're a weird mother****er.

Thaum had a certain reputation at the other board. The last couple of days he has been living up to it.

soonerchk
7/17/2011, 01:03 PM
You're a weird mother****er.

And yet if you read his posts, you'll find yourself nodding in agreement and then at the end wondering why it's so hot in here and where did this handbasket come from?

AlboSooner
7/17/2011, 01:31 PM
he's teh king of trolls

En_Fuego
7/17/2011, 04:37 PM
http://i151.photobucket.com/albums/s138/persaus_photo/Decorated%20images/5bad.jpg

dynersooner
7/18/2011, 03:04 PM
This just feels right...

http://funny-pictures-blog.com/wp-content/uploads/2011/06/harry_potter_vs_star_wars.jpg

soonerchk
7/18/2011, 03:40 PM
What's the other movie?

Chuck Bao
7/18/2011, 05:35 PM
This just feels right...

http://funny-pictures-blog.com/wp-content/uploads/2011/06/harry_potter_vs_star_wars.jpg

I hadn't realized there were so many parallelisms. Would anyone want to drag in the "Lord of the Rings" here and make it a holy trinity of literature? No matter, they all copied from the long copyright expired works of Aesop or Shakespeare or the Brothers Grim or Hans Christian Andersen. Disney Corp has been pulling down a buck or two from those for more than a few years.

Ctina
7/18/2011, 06:31 PM
Holy Carp. That's funny, Dyner. I especially like the hear/see/speak no evil stormtroopers.

Smash
7/18/2011, 07:40 PM
What's the other movie?

Harry Potter

GDC
7/18/2011, 07:55 PM
http://realtimewithbillmaher.blogspot.com/2011/07/new-rules-71511.html

1:43

Mongo
7/18/2011, 07:58 PM
Let's look up Lando.

The Lando system?

Lando isnt a system; he's a man. In fact, I think he is the only black man in the galaxy.

Let's hope so.

WHOA!!!!

StoopTroup
7/18/2011, 08:04 PM
Let's look up Lando.

The Lando system?

Lando isnt a system; he's a man. In fact, I think he is the only black man in the galaxy.

Let's hope so.

WHOA!!!!

http://www.demotivationalposters.org/image/demotivational-poster/0805/mace-windu-mace-windu-force-star-wars-samuel-jackson-demotivational-poster-1210274076.jpg

sappstuf
7/18/2011, 08:28 PM
Let's look up Lando.

The Lando system?

Lando isnt a system; he's a man. In fact, I think he is the only black man in the galaxy.

Let's hope so.

WHOA!!!!

Lois: Why you stuck up, half witted, scruffy lookin' nerf herder!
Peter punches Lois in the face and she falls down

Peter: You can't use that word! Only we can use that word!

MamaMia
7/18/2011, 10:55 PM
Do you mean like the part 2 that opened two days ago? Then yes. ;)Which Harry Potter movies have a Part 2?

Ctina
7/19/2011, 10:10 AM
The final book was split into 2 movies. The first one, Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 1 came out last year. Part 2 opened this past weekend.

Canyonero
7/19/2011, 10:22 AM
http://i.imgur.com/Mtctd.jpg

sappstuf
7/19/2011, 10:28 AM
http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-lFIt9wIhNJA/ThSaCTr44HI/AAAAAAAADvg/O6mThzhuKAI/s800/harrypotter_vs_starwars-2.png

sappstuf
7/19/2011, 10:43 AM
http://wrestlingclique.com/images/imported/2005/07/HP_Synopsis-1.jpg

soonerchk
7/19/2011, 10:44 AM
Hagrid isn't really a wizard.

Mississippi Sooner
7/19/2011, 10:48 AM
Hagrid isn't really a wizard.

That's true. His wand was broken, it was.

sappstuf
7/19/2011, 10:52 AM
Hagrid isn't really a wizard.

Not a wizard or not a practicing wizard?

Ctina
7/20/2011, 10:15 AM
Hagrid isn't really a wizard.

He's half wizard/half giant. He is a wizard, he just didn't finish his training. And he still has his wand pieces, they are just concealed in his umbrella.

Mongo
7/20/2011, 10:18 AM
SF needs a political and harry potter forum

Mongo
7/20/2011, 02:55 PM
http://img200.imageshack.us/img200/69/deanpotter.jpg

jk the sooner fan
7/20/2011, 02:56 PM
oh my.....

C&CDean
7/20/2011, 02:56 PM
Suhweet.

saucysoonergal
7/20/2011, 03:33 PM
SF needs a political and harry potter forum

And a homoerotic forum. (for youse guys)

C&CDean
7/20/2011, 03:48 PM
No doubt. If we did the homo-emo thing we'd get rid of 90% of the OUI guys and they'd take Mongoloid with them. If we made a poop forum the SO would be dead.

soonerchk
7/21/2011, 10:53 AM
He's half wizard/half giant. He is a wizard, he just didn't finish his training. And he still has his wand pieces, they are just concealed in his umbrella.

Exactly, he's not really a wizard. He's not a muggle or a squib, but he's not a wizard either. He's also not really a giant.

Hagrid is just in limbo between all of his bloodlines.

Ctina
7/21/2011, 11:19 AM
He's a magical mutt.