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MsProudSooner
6/17/2011, 03:17 PM
Many Dads, including my son-in-law, are already 'awake'. But if you aren't.....read on.


A father's day wish: Dads, wake the hell up!(CNN)

The woman started crying.

I didn't expect this, because, well, why would I? We were two adults, standing in a preschool auditorium, waiting for the year-end musical gala to begin, talking summer plans and Twitter and junk fiction and all things mindless parents talk at mindless events. Then -- tears.

"My husband," she said, "doesn't care."

"Uh, about what?" I asked.

The floodgates now open, she told me her husband works from home. But he never drops their daughter off at preschool. He never picks their daughter up at preschool. He never wakes up with their daughter, never puts her to bed, never takes her to a movie or a carnival or a ball game; never comes up with fun daddy-daughter activities. "All he worries about is golf," the mother said. "Sometimes he'll take her to the driving range for an hour. But that's it. ..."

Two days later, by mere coincidence, a different mother cornered me. I was sitting in a pizzeria with my son, Emmett, and daughter, Casey, gnawing on a calzone. The woman, another preschool regular who always seems to be dragging around her kids with the worn look of a chain gang inmate, glanced my way and muttered, "My husband would never do that."

"Do what?" I asked.

"Be out alone with both of the kids at once," she said. "Never."

In case you are wondering, I am that dad. The one who works out of the house. The one who drives his kids to school, packs lunches and pushes swings and arranges play dates and attends teacher conferences and -- generally speaking -- frequently finds himself alone in brightly colored rooms filled with women and tykes.

Along with my wife (who, until recently, also worked from home), I wipe snot, clean poop, order time outs and say no -- Really, no! I'm being serious, no! -- to the damned ice cream man and his Satanic siren call. I know all of my kids' friends, and most of their tendencies (Ashley and Emily love dolls, Lucas only wants to talk about Derek Jeter, Tyler digs applesauce).

Hence, I have been sent here today, on behalf of the stay-at-home mothers of the world, to convey to my fellow pops a message of love and hope in this lead-up to Father's Day: Wake the hell up.

Really, wake the hell up. Now. I understand that most of you have 9-to-5 jobs, that you leave tired and come home tired and just wanna chill in front of SportsCenter with a bowl of chips. But, seriously, you have no remote idea: Being a stay-at-home parent is exhausting. At the office, you can hide. You can take lunch. You can pretend you're working while scrolling the Internet for Yankees-Blue Jays and, ahem, Lindsay Lohan news. You have genuine social interactions with folks over the age of, oh, 12. People ask questions about your day -- and listen to the answers.

I envy you, but I sort of pity you. Kids grow. Age 1 turns to age 3, which turns to age 7, which turns to 15 and 18 and 21, all in the blink of an eye. If you're there, as I am, it flies. If you're not there -- if you're almost never there -- it barely exists at all. Which is why I just can't stomach those millions of dads who view their days at home as recovery from work, who'd rather rest than engage, who have no problem with passing the tykes off for more alone time with mom and who, literally, moan to their wives, "You have no idea how hard I work."

For you, I offer these 10 commandments of righteous fatherhood. Pay close attention, because, behind your back, people are pitying your wife:

1. No golf on weekends: Seriously, it's ludicrous. Your spouse is home with the kids all the time, and you think it's OK to take five hours on a weekend day to pursue your own pastime? Selfishness, thy name is Father.

2. Wake up: Literally, wake up. With your kids. On at least one of the two weekend days -- and perhaps both. I know: you wake up early for work. Not even remotely the same thing. Rising alongside the kiddies is hard. And crazy. And (gasp!) sorta fun, if you'd just stop moping.

3. Change diapers: If you have little kids, and you don't know how to change diapers (or, even worse, refuse to change diapers), you're pathetic. That's no exaggeration -- p-a-t-h-e-t-i-c. It's not all that hard, and though the poop sometimes winds up on the fingers, well, uh, yeah. It just does. Wash your hands.

4. Play with dolls and paint your toenails: How many fathers do I know who refuse to get girlish with their girls? Dozens. Dude, put aside the machismo, break out Barbie and slather on some pink polish. You'll make a friend for life -- and nobody else is watching.

5. Do things you don't want to do: It's easy to take the kids to the driving range -- because you want to be there. Now try spending the day having a tea party at American Girl. Or crawling through one of those wormholes at the nearby kiddie gym. Fun? Often, no. But this isn't about you.

6. Order the wife to bug off: I recently met a mother who told me her husband hadn't been alone with their 9-year-old daughter for more than two hours ... ever. Inexcusable. Let your wife do her own thing: relax, take a run, whatever. Entertain your children solo. They don't bite (Note: CNN.com is not liable if your children do, in fact, bite).

7. Surprise! Just once, on a random day without meaning or purpose, show up early at your kid's school/camp/wherever, say "Get in the car!" and take him/her somewhere special. Just the two of you, alone. A movie. A park. A hike. The memory lasts -- I promise.

8. Dishes Don't Clean Themselves (Nor Do Toys): It's amazing how this one works. You pick up a dish, run it under hot water with some soap, rub it down with a towel and place it back on the shelf. Then repeat.

9. Wake up your kid: Not often. But if you want to score big points and create a killer memory moment, walk in Junior's room at, oh, midnight, wake him/her up and go outside for 10 minutes to watch the stars.

10. For God's sake, tell your kids you love them: They never see you, and they'd probably like to know.

Bud, as you read this your wife is expecting little -- and your kids are expecting even less. Pull one out of the blue. Make Father's Day less about you, and all about them.

The opinions expressed in this commentary are solely those of Jeff Pearlman.

The
6/17/2011, 03:24 PM
Feminazi propaganda.

My Opinion Matters
6/17/2011, 03:26 PM
Was that written in 1957?

SoCaliSooner
6/17/2011, 03:26 PM
Been teaching my wahine to surf. Does that count?

MsProudSooner
6/17/2011, 03:27 PM
Been teaching my wahine to surf. Does that count?

Absolutely!

Mjcpr
6/17/2011, 03:28 PM
WTF? Only Father's Day could be beaten down by chicks.

:D

MsProudSooner
6/17/2011, 03:29 PM
Feminazi propaganda.

Written by a male sportswriter for Sports Illustrated.....

The
6/17/2011, 03:30 PM
Written by a male sportswriter for Sports Illustrated.....

With a blistering malcontent nag for a wife.

yermom
6/17/2011, 03:30 PM
didn't we hear how this story ends a few weeks ago with her leaving his emasculated *** in a few years?

SoCaliSooner
6/17/2011, 03:31 PM
Absolutely!

Teaching my son how to catch cats in the steel traps...and the proper way to kick that trap, with the cat, into the deep end of the pool.

You just can't replace these formative years.

olevetonahill
6/17/2011, 03:31 PM
Get back in the kitchen and get them sammiches made, Oh and shut them dayum kids up to.

The Maestro
6/17/2011, 03:33 PM
The guy who wrote that was just trying to get a blow job.

yermom
6/17/2011, 03:34 PM
it does sound like a good angle to pick up on single moms

tommieharris91
6/17/2011, 03:39 PM
didn't we hear how this story ends a few weeks ago with her leaving his emasculated *** in a few years?

Yep. Soon enough, wifey gets pissed and leaves the marriage.

sooner_born_1960
6/17/2011, 03:41 PM
The guy who wrote that was just trying to get a blow job.
My dearest wife, I agree with the OP 100%

3rdgensooner
6/17/2011, 03:41 PM
hahaha, you guys are so predictable.

Yes, this dude must be an emasculated eunuch living a torturous life with his harpy succubus.

The
6/17/2011, 03:42 PM
hahaha, you guys are so predictable.

Yes, this dude must be an emasculated eunuch living a torturous life with his harpy succubus.

DeNed.

MsProudSooner
6/17/2011, 03:43 PM
Get back in the kitchen and get them sammiches made, Oh and shut them dayum kids up to.

Said the man just before his wife left him with all 6 kids and ran away with the pool boy!

3rdgensooner
6/17/2011, 03:44 PM
Why do some men struggle making sandwiches? My dad always made the best sandwiches.

The
6/17/2011, 03:44 PM
Said the man just before his wife left him with all 6 kids and ran away with the pool boy!

Pool boy can have her.

Vaginas are easily replaceable.

Steady income is not.

olevetonahill
6/17/2011, 03:48 PM
Said the man just before his wife left him with all 6 kids and ran away with the pool boy!

As hes singing his Favorite song

tx8x3LCnYZw

olevetonahill
6/17/2011, 03:51 PM
hahaha, you guys are so predictable.

Yes, this dude must be an emasculated eunuch living a torturous life with his harpy succubus.

Well at least ONE woman gets it.;)

MsProudSooner
6/17/2011, 03:57 PM
As hes singing his Favorite song

tx8x3LCnYZw

Cats in the Cradle

My child arrived just the other day
He came to the world in the usual way
But there were planes to catch and bills to pay
He learned to walk while I was away
And he was talkin' 'fore I knew it, and as he grew
He'd say "I'm gonna be like you dad
You know I'm gonna be like you"

And the cat's in the cradle and the silver spoon
Little boy blue and the man on the moon
When you comin' home dad?
I don't know when, but we'll get together then son
You know we'll have a good time then

My son turned ten just the other day
He said, "Thanks for the ball, Dad, come on let's play
Can you teach me to throw", I said "Not today
I got a lot to do", he said, "That's ok"
And he walked away but his smile never dimmed
And said, "I'm gonna be like him, yeah
You know I'm gonna be like him"

And the cat's in the cradle and the silver spoon
Little boy blue and the man on the moon
When you comin' home son?
I don't know when, but we'll get together then son
You know we'll have a good time then

Well, he came home from college just the other day
So much like a man I just had to say
"Son, I'm proud of you, can you sit for a while?"
He shook his head and said with a smile
"What I'd really like, Dad, is to borrow the car keys
See you later, can I have them please?"

And the cat's in the cradle and the silver spoon
Little boy blue and the man on the moon
When you comin' home son?
I don't know when, but we'll get together then son
You know we'll have a good time then

I've long since retired, my son's moved away
I called him up just the other day
I said, "I'd like to see you if you don't mind"
He said, "I'd love to, Dad, if I can find the time
You see my new job's a hassle and kids have the flu
But it's sure nice talking to you, Dad
It's been sure nice talking to you"

And as I hung up the phone it occurred to me
He'd grown up just like me
My boy was just like me

And the cat's in the cradle and the silver spoon
Little boy blue and the man on the moon
When you comin' home son?
I don't know when, but we'll get together then son
You know we'll have a good time then

olevetonahill
6/17/2011, 03:59 PM
Thats ok Hefer, I got custody of My kids back in the Mid 80s

Yea I had to work and leave em alone alot , but I was also at the PTA meetings and Their ball games and such so **** off.:rolleyes:

3rdgensooner
6/17/2011, 04:01 PM
Did you really just call her hefer? [sic]

texaspokieokie
6/17/2011, 04:01 PM
i like that song.

wasn't that my Dad didn't have time, he mostly worked out of town.
got to make a living.

MsProudSooner
6/17/2011, 04:04 PM
Thats ok Hefer, I got custody of My kids back in the Mid 80s

Yea I had to work and leave em alone alot , but I was also at the PTA meetings and Their ball games and such so **** off.:rolleyes:

If you had sole custody, the article didn't apply to you. It seemed to be directed at 2 parent homes where the Dad couldn't pick his kids out of a lineup.

The
6/17/2011, 04:05 PM
Did you really just call her hefer? [sic]

To be fair, MrsProud does tend to incite rage.

olevetonahill
6/17/2011, 04:06 PM
i like that song.

wasn't that my Dad didn't have time, he mostly worked out of town.
got to make a living.

Exactly, And now that My Kids are grown I know they are Off working trying to support THEIR families so I dont get my panties in a wad when I dont see em very often. We talk regular and see each other as often as possible .
Why we've even went fishin and Picnicking lately.

olevetonahill
6/17/2011, 04:08 PM
If you had sole custody, the article didn't apply to you. It seemed to be directed at 2 parent homes where the Dad couldn't pick his kids out of a lineup.

Maybe the article wasnt aimed at me , But a few of your post sure were.

3rdgensooner
6/17/2011, 04:10 PM
To be fair, MrsProud does tend to incite rage.Clearly.

Geez, boys can be pretty sensitive.

The
6/17/2011, 04:10 PM
Clearly.

Geez, boys can be pretty sensitive.

My penis is a pretty sensitive fellow.

olevetonahill
6/17/2011, 04:12 PM
Did you really just call her hefer? [sic]


Clearly.

Geez, boys can be pretty sensitive.

Naw I just get tired of these Lib do gooder, women libs types that try to Lump all men in to the same pill of ****.

never mind:rolleyes:

3rdgensooner
6/17/2011, 04:13 PM
My penis is a pretty sensitive fellow.Watch out for the heifers!!!

The
6/17/2011, 04:14 PM
Hefer



Did you really just call her hefer? [sic]


Naw

Does. Not. Compute.

olevetonahill
6/17/2011, 04:18 PM
To be fair.


My penis .


Does. Not. Compute.

You said it I didn't :pop:

The
6/17/2011, 04:22 PM
You said it I didn't :pop:


My penis doesn't compute. It really has a hard time hitting the right keys when I flop it against the keyboard.

StoopTroup
6/17/2011, 04:41 PM
If you have those problems....it's not just the man's fault.

If you think it's because a man isn't "AWAKE"....you didn't read that to well.

These things usually happen because both partners failed to stick to their vows.

SoCaliSooner
6/17/2011, 04:58 PM
Clearly.

Geez, boys can be pretty sensitive.

Only on the tip of my penis.

StoopTroup
6/17/2011, 07:58 PM
http://www.belch.com/img/mooallen.jpg

soonerloyal
6/17/2011, 08:18 PM
Naw I just get tired of these Lib do gooder, women libs types that try to Lump all men in to the same pill of ****.

never mind:rolleyes:


**** off, dip****. :mad:

Oh, I luv yah. Now go make me a sammich. :D

olevetonahill
6/17/2011, 08:21 PM
**** off, dip****. :mad:

Oh, I luv yah. Now go make me a sammich. :D

:P :D

C&CDean
6/17/2011, 08:43 PM
**** off, dip****. :mad:

Oh, I luv yah. Now go make me a sammich. :D

Well at least you took all that commie solidarity union crap off your avatar. Good form. And Howie might make you a sammich, but I'll smoke you some ribs. Then you make a bunch of sammiches off the carcass. That's how this **** works.

StoopTroup
6/17/2011, 08:49 PM
It doesn't matter if he took it down though as all of our Police are Unionized (IUPA) and we are all controlled by the Communist Regime that is the Police. :D

MsProudSooner2
6/17/2011, 08:52 PM
If you have those problems....it's not just the man's fault.

If you think it's because a man isn't "AWAKE"....you didn't read that to well.

These things usually happen because both partners failed to stick to their vows.

Just a play on the words used in the article.

MsProudSooner2
6/17/2011, 08:58 PM
Naw I just get tired of these Lib do gooder, women libs types that try to Lump all men in to the same pill of ****.

never mind:rolleyes:

This is the first sentence in the original post:


Many Dads, including my son-in-law, are already 'awake'. But if you aren't.....read on.

My own Dad didn't fit the examples in the article, either. The message is simple, spend one on one time with your kids.

And 3g is right.

StoopTroup
6/17/2011, 09:05 PM
Just a play on the words used in the article.

Yeah....it's insulting. It puts guys immediately on the defensive and in doing so....won't probably help to awaken anyone especially the Wives that will probably just divorce them anyway.

MsProudSooner2
6/17/2011, 09:08 PM
Yeah....it's insulting. It puts guys immediately on the defensive and in doing so....won't probably help to awaken anyone especially the Wives that will probably just divorce them anyway.

Like I said, 3g is right.

olevetonahill
6/17/2011, 09:13 PM
I aint got My feelers Hurt, I just think yer Stupid.;)

sooner59
6/18/2011, 02:36 AM
There are plenty of mothers who need to "WAKE UP" as well. Same difference. Too bad there isn't a Parent's Day that you could **** on as well. Well...I guess there is if you have a kid at OU. Probably just walk around telling all the single parents there that there is something wrong with their significant other. :rolleyes: