Are Poop Threads a go over here?

[The]

Cuz I've got a growler that's gonna shatter some porcelain brewing, and I need to share the experience with someone.:texan:

[Jello Biafra]

go for it....i just berthed one that i had to post the colors on.

[btk108]

oh lord......another one of those guys:eek:

[The]

I'm storing it up right now. Belly's gurglin, and I keep pouring coffee down it.
Had Guisada for dinner last night, finished off a 12 pack of Fat Tire with some vodka chasers, and had an omelet for breakfast.

The potential energy stored in my bowels right now is tremendous.

[CrimsonJim]

You're gonna be STEP's new favorite poster!

[The]

Turtling... but another cup of coffee first, the IT'S GO TIME!!!!:mack:

[3rdgensooner]

Boys are weird

[OUinFLA]

It's only relevent if your posting from the crapper on your netbook.

[The]

It's only relevent if your posting from the crapper on your netbook.

Netbook? I'm taking my laptop.

I like to look at pron while I poop. :gary:

[Howzit]

That's fine, but flinging is my schtick, so back off sistah.

http://i55.tinypic.com/ohie0p.jpg

[The]

Have you ever felt like an astronaut before?

I just did.

I lifted off the pot. Cereal.

The smell is tremendous. Absolutely incredible.

I feel like I just lost 5 pounds.

:texan:

[Klegg]

I sure hope it's allowed...I was fully effaced about 9:30 this morning...it came on suddenly, so I REALLY didn't have time to share it with you The...

[The]

I sure hope it's allowed...I was fully effaced about 9:30 this morning...it came on suddenly, so I REALLY didn't have time to share it with you The...

Consistency?

Mine was a runny mess of an explosion, followed by this tremendous log that snaked for about 4 feet.

[Klegg]

Consistency?

Mine was a runny mess of an explosion, followed by this tremendous log that snaked for about 4 feet.

I must be older than you since I RARELY get the "snake effect" any more...I had quite a few walnuts yesterday, so it was pretty "consistent"...in that it was LOOOOOOSE!!!!

The smell was pretty harmless...of course, I was the only one here...:eek:

[saucysoonergal]

STEP bait

[Klegg]

BTW, have you actually reached the age of using flushable wipes to finish off the "trip"? Whoever decided to put baby wipes in the crapper was a friggin GENIUS!!!!

P.S. The ones with aloe are best..

[The]

STEP bait


What's a STEP?:gary:

[The]

BTW, have you actually reached the age of using flushable wipes to finish off the "trip"? Whoever decided to put baby wipes in the crapper was a friggin GENIUS!!!!

P.S. The ones with aloe are best..

Agreed. I've got bad hemorrhoids, so those wipes are manna.

Feels good, man. :texan:

[saucysoonergal]

What's a STEP?:gary:

Don't drop your soap and hopefully you won't find out.

[The]

Don't drop your soap and hopefully you won't find out.


I use Nivea body wash.

Smells good, man. :texan:

[stoops the eternal pimp]

I dropped one so spectacular this morning that the toilet kept it sending it back up to show me what I had done

[saucysoonergal]

^^^^^^^^^ This is a STEP

[The]

I dropped one so spectacular this morning that the toilet kept it sending it back up to show me what I had done

I get that at home, but the office toilet is a turd-eating BEAST.

[stoops the eternal pimp]

oh yeah it was at home...this office toilet has a hand that reaches up and pulls it out, so it serves 2 purposes

[Klegg]

I dropped one so spectacular this morning that the toilet kept it sending it back up to show me what I had done

It's called persistency...you gotta stay with that handle longer, baby!!!

Hmmf...Rookie...:rolleyes:

[Soonerntxs]

I just wanted to say that the HCG Diet that I am on has some weird lookin things making an exit from my real seal gasket. The diet = 500 cal per day, 2 X fruit, 6hrs apart (apple or orange) , 3.5 oz. meat, per meal (Beaks, Bevo or Fin ONLY) and 2 cups of cooked or 4 cups of raw veggies, per meal (green ONLY)

I have gone from 140 to 126 in 12 Days! & can't make a decent FLOATER!

[Klegg]

I just wanted to say that the HCG Diet that I am on has some weird lookin things making an exit from my real seal gasket. The diet = 500 cal per day, 2 X fruit, 6hrs apart (apple or orange) , 3.5 oz. meat, per meal (Beaks, Bevo or Fin ONLY) and 2 cups of cooked or 4 cups of raw veggies, per meal (green ONLY)

I have gone from 140 to 126 in 12 Days! & can't make a decent FLOATER!

Sounds like you need to lower your expectations...it's not how it LOOKS...it's how it FEELS!!!!

[btk108]

I just wanted to say that the HCG Diet that I am on has some weird lookin things making an exit from my real seal gasket. The diet = 500 cal per day, 2 X fruit, 6hrs apart (apple or orange) , 3.5 oz. meat, per meal (Beaks, Bevo or Fin ONLY) and 2 cups of cooked or 4 cups of raw veggies, per meal (green ONLY)

I have gone from 140 to 126 in 12 Days! & can't make a decent FLOATER!

check your spek

[stoops the eternal pimp]

I get that at home, but the office toilet is a turd-eating BEAST.

I've pretty much voided the warranties on all the office toilets here...So I sneak over to one of the other buildings drop my deuce rockets over there

[Soonerntxs]

Sounds like you need to lower your expectations...it's not how it LOOKS...it's how it FEELS!!!!

Feels like I'm driving about 70 and go to shift an hit second:eek:, just a bit backed up and only pushin out green butt spatter!

[Klegg]

Feels like I'm driving about 70 and go to shift an hit second:eek:, just a bit backed up and only pushin out green butt spatter!

If you can't find it...grind it...

[btk108]

Feels like I'm driving about 70 and go to shift an hit second:eek:, just a bit backed up and only pushin out green butt spatter!

Nice....there goes my apple for the morning

[Jello Biafra]

I just wanted to say that the HCG Diet that I am on has some weird lookin things making an exit from my real seal gasket. The diet = 500 cal per day, 2 X fruit, 6hrs apart (apple or orange) , 3.5 oz. meat, per meal (Beaks, Bevo or Fin ONLY) and 2 cups of cooked or 4 cups of raw veggies, per meal (green ONLY)

I have gone from 140 to 126 in 12 Days! & can't make a decent FLOATER!

jesus!!!! i hope yer a chick lol....i was bigger than you in the 5th grade

[Lott's Bandana]

The Prairie Dog gets ignored until I finish that second mug 'o.

[stoops the eternal pimp]

A while back i was in one of the other offices where they just put in new toilets and the administrator over there told me "There is no way you can block these up like you did those old ****ters."

So when that challenge was dealt, I decided to go about 6 days without dropping one all the while feasting on all things cheese...

Well when I knew it was time, I went over to their building and I got myself ready to go...I must say what I dropped was so impressive that literally 10 men from the office got in single file line and walked past it like a casket at a funeral to give it a good viewing...I would probably say it had the girth of a coke can and stood about 1/2 inch above the toilet seat..As it stood there in all its glory and the phone cameras where clicking away, I realized this was a special moment..

and the bitches couldnt get it to flush..

me- 1
toilet - 0

[Soonerntxs]

Nice....there goes my apple for the morning

You think thats bad? I had Miracal Noodles----whorn shat I tell ya! They smell so bad, I felt like licking my sock while I was washing them...Once all washed & cooked, not so bad, but just don't think about the smell while you are eating...

[Jello Biafra]

annnnnytime now the ryan's post will show itself

[Soonerntxs]

:P OOPS, I said I was 126 down from 140....MY BAD! I am 226 down from 240,

I not just a fat azz, I'm sometimes a dumb azz, who kaint spelz or tpey!!!

[The]

Let's talk spicy food.

I get fresh Hatch chilis sent to me when they're in season.

I can make a sauce that sticks in the bowels for DAYS... long after the sphincter is completely numbed.

The Red Poop, when you can't tell if there is blood in it our not, is an OUTSTANDING gift for friends and family.

:texan:

[stoops the eternal pimp]

boner

[Lott's Bandana]

Fiber One bars have their own interweb forums that talk exclusively of the wonderous creations that particular nuclear product bestows on users.

http://www.bloglander.com/cheapeats/2007/03/06/fiber-one-chewy-bars

^^one example^^

[tommieharris91]

A couple of weeks ago we decided to cruise out to Ryan's Steakhouse for dinner. It was a Wednesday night, which means that macaroni and beef, was on the hot bar, indeed the only night of the week that it is served. Uncle Johnny would love it.

Wednesday night is also kid's night at Ryan's, complete with Dizzy the Clown wandering from table to table entertaining the little bastards. It may seem that the events about to be told have little connection to those two circumstances, but all will be clear in a moment.

We went through the line and placed our orders for the all-you-can-eat hot bar then sat down as far away from the front of the restaurant as possible in order to keep the density of kids down a bit. Then I started my move to the hot bar. Plate after plate of macaroni and beef was consumed that evening, I tell you - in all, four heaping plates of the pseudo-Italian ambrosia was shoved into my belly. I was sated. Perhaps a bit too much, however I had not really been feeling well all day, what with a bit of gas and such. By the time I had eaten four overwhelmed plates of food, I was in real trouble. There was so much pressure on my diaphragm that I was having trouble breathing. At the same time, the downward pressure was building. At first, I thought it was only gas which could have been passed in batches right at the table without too much concern. Unfortunately, that was not to be.

After a minute or so it was clear that I was dealing with explosive diarrhea. It's amazing how grease can make its way through your Intestines far faster than the food which spawned the grease to begin with, but I digress...
I got up from the table and made my way to the bathroom. Upon entering, I saw two sinks immediately inside the door, two urinals just to the right of the sinks, and two toilet stalls against the back wall. One of them was a handicapped bathroom. Now, normally I would have gone to the handicapped stall since I like to stretch out a bit when I take a good ****, but in this case, the door lock was broken and the only thing I hate worse than my date telling me to stop cutting my toenails with a pair of diagonal wire cutters is having someone walk in on me while I am taking a ****. I went to the normal stall.

In retrospect, I probably should have gone to the large, handicapped stall even though the door would not lock because that bit of time lost in making the stall switch proved to be a bit too long under the circumstances. By the time I had walked into the regular stall, the pressure on my *** was reaching Biblical proportions.

I began "The Move."

I know you (and definitely Uncle Johnny) understand this (though women would not), but I'll take a moment to explain "The Move" anyway. Men know exactly what their bowels are up to at any given second. And when the time comes to empty the cache, a sequence of physiological events occur that can not be stopped under any circumstances. There is a move men make that involves simultaneously approaching the toilet, beginning the body turn to position ones *** toward said toilet, hooking ones fingers into ones waistline, and pulling down the pants while beginning the squat at the same time.
It is a very fluid motion that, when performed properly, results in the flawless expulsion of **** at the exact same second that ones *** is properly placed on the toilet seat. Done properly, it even assures that the dick is properly inserted into the front rim of the toilet in the event that the **** stream lets loose at the same time; it is truly a picture of coordination rivaling that of a skilled ballet dancer.

I was about half-way into "The Move" when I looked down at the floor and saw a pile of vomit that had been previously expelled by one of those little bastards attending kids night; it was mounded up in the corner so I did not notice it when I had first walked into the stall. Normally, I would not have been bothered by such a thing, but I had eaten so much and the pressure upward was so intense, that I hit a rarely experienced gag reflex. And once that reflex started, combined with the intense pressure upward caused by the bloated stomach, four plates of macaroni and beef started coming up for a rematch.

What happened next was so quick that the exact sequence of events are a bit fuzzy, but I will try to reconstruct them as best I can. In that moment of impending projectile vomiting, my attention was diverted from the goings-on at the other end. To put a freeze frame on the situation, I was half crouched down to the toilet, pants pulled down to my knees, with a load of vomit coming up my esophagus. Now, most of you know that vomiting takes precedence over **** no matter what is about to come slamming out of your ***. It is apparently an evolutionary thing since ****ting will not kill you, but vomiting takes a presence of mind to accomplish so that you do not aspirate any food into the bronchial tubes and perhaps choke to death. My attention was thus diverted. At that very split second, my *** exploded in what can only be described as a wake...you know, as in a newspaper headline along the lines of "30,000 Killed In Wake of Typhoon Fifi" or something similar. In what seemed to be most suitably measured in cubic feet, an enormous plug of **** the consistency of thick mud with embedded pockets of greasy liquid came flying out of my ***. But remember, I was only half-way down on the toilet at that moment. The **** wave was of such force and of just such an angle in relation to the back curve of the toilet seat that it ricocheted off the back of the seat and slammed into the wall at an angle of incidence equal to the angle at which it initially hit the toilet seat.

Then I sat down.

Recall that when that event occurred, I was already half-way to sitting anyway and had actually reached the point of no return. I have always considered myself as relatively stable gravitationally, but when you get beyond a certain point, you're going down no matter how limber you may be. Needless to say, the **** wave, though of considerable force,was not so sufficient so as to completely glance off the toilet seat and deposit itself on the walls, unlike what you would see when hitting a puddle with a high-pressure water hose; even though you throw water at the puddle, the puddle gets moved and no water is left to re-form a puddle. There was a significant amount of **** remaining on about one-third of the seat rim which I had now just collapsed upon.

Now, back to the vomit...

While all the ****ting was going on, the vomit was still on its way up. By the time I had actually collapsed on the toilet, my mouth had filled up with a goodly portion of the macaroni and beef I had just consumed. OK, so what does the human body instinctively do when vomiting? One bends over. So I bent over. I was still sitting on the toilet, though. Therefore, bending over resulted in me placing my head above my now slightly-opened legs, positioned in between my knees and waist. Also directly above my pants which were now pulled down to a point just midway between my knees and my ankles. Oh, did mention that I was wearing not just pants, but sweat pants with elastic on the ankles.

In one mighty push, some three pounds of macaroni and beef, two or three Cokes, and a couple of Big, Fat Yeast Rolls were deposited in my pants...on the inside...with no ready exit at the bottom down by my feet. In the next several seconds, there were a handful of farts, a couple of turds, and the event ended, yet I was now sitting there with my pants full of vomit, my back covered in **** that had bounced off the toilet, spattered on three ceramic-tiled walls to a height of about five feet, and still had enough force to come back at me, covering the back of my shirt with droplets liquid ****. All while thick **** was spread all over my *** in a ring curiously in the shape of a toilet seat. And there was no toilet paper.

What could I do but laugh. I must have sounded like a complete maniac to the guy who then wandered into the bathroom. He actually asked if I was OK since I was laughing so hard I must have sounded like I was crying hysterically. I calmed down just enough to ask him if he would get the manager. And told him to have the manager bring some toilet paper. When the manager walked in, he brought the toilet paper with him, but in no way was prepared for what happened next. I simply told him that there was no way I was going to explain what was happening in the stall, but that I needed several wet towels and I needed him to go ask my date to
come help me. I told him where we were sitting and he left. At that point, I think he was probably assuming that I had ****ed just a bit in my pants or something similarly benign.

About two minutes later, my date came into the bathroom not knowing what was wrong and with a certain amount of worry in her voice. I explained to her (still laughing and having trouble getting out words) that I had a slight accident and needed her help. Knowing that I had experienced some close calls in the past, she probably assumed that I had laid down a small turd or something and just needed to being the car around so we could bolt immediately. Until I asked her, I'm sure she had no idea that she was about to go across the street and purchase me new underwear, new socks, new pants, a new shirt, and (by that time due to considerable leakage around the elastic ankles thingies) new sneakers. And she then started to laugh herself since I was still laughing. She began to ask for an explanation as to what had happened when I promised her that I would tell her later, but that I just needed to handle damage control for the time being. She left.

The manager then came back in with a half-dozen wet towels and a few dry ones. I asked him to also bring a mop and bucket upon which he assured me that they would clean up anything that needed to be cleaned. Without giving him specific details, I explained that what was going on in that stall that night was far in excess of what I would expect anyone to deal with, what with most of the folks working at Ryan's making minimum wage or just slightly above. At that moment, I think it dawned on him exactly the gravity of the situation. Then that manager went so far above the call of duty that I will be eternally grateful for his actions.

He hooked up a hose. Fortunately, commercial bathrooms are constructed with tile walls and tile floors and have a drain in the middle of the room in order to make clean up easy. Fortunately, I was in a commercial bathroom. He hooked up the hose to the spigot located under the sink as I began cleaning myself up with the wet towels. Just as I was finishing, my date got back with the new clothes and passed them into the stall, whereupon I stuffed the previously worn clothing into the plastic bag that came from the store, handing the bag to my date. I finished cleaning myself off and carefully put on my new clothes, still stuck in the stall since I figured that it would be in bad taste to go out of the stall to get redressed in the event I happened to be standing there naked and some little bastard kid walked in. At that point, I had only made a mess; I had not yet committed a felony and intended to keep it that way.

When I finished getting dressed, I picked up the hose and cleaned up the entire stall, washing down the remains toward the drain in the center of the room. I put down the hose and walked out of the bathroom. I had intended to go to the manager and thank him for all he had done, but when I walked out, three of the management staff were there to greet me with a standing ovation. I started laughing so hard that I thought I was going to throw up again,but managed to scurry out to the car where my date was now waiting to pick me up by the front door. The upshot of all this is that I strongly recommend eating dinner at Ryan's Steak House. They have, by far, the nicest management staff of any restaurant in which I have eaten.

[soonerboomer93]

Let's talk spicy food.

I get fresh Hatch chilis sent to me when they're in season.

I can make a sauce that sticks in the bowels for DAYS... long after the sphincter is completely numbed.

The Red Poop, when you can't tell if there is blood in it our not, is an OUTSTANDING gift for friends and family.

:texan:

You should roast them, peel them, and then leave them in the freezer. They get hotter.

[soonerboomer93]

Fiber One bars have their own interweb forums that talk exclusively of the wonderous creations that particular nuclear product bestows on users.

http://www.bloglander.com/cheapeats/2007/03/06/fiber-one-chewy-bars

^^one example^^

yeah, fiber ones did bad juju. About 60 minutes after eating one, the gas started.

[The]

You should roast them, peel them, and then leave them in the freezer. They get hotter.


I do that with the greens. The reds I crush straight away.

[Jello Biafra]

boner

now then...THAT is a topic that will get jlew in here and posting

[Oldnslo]

No matter what product I'm producing, it's always the Big Office for me. I like having my feet not quite reach the ground as I'm straining. It gives me the edge.

Plus, the Big Office seat has a kind of spoiler on the seat. You know, it goes up a bit, maybe for a better seal, I don't know.

But I like it.

[btk108]

Let's talk spicy food.

I get fresh Hatch chilis sent to me when they're in season.

I can make a sauce that sticks in the bowels for DAYS... long after the sphincter is completely numbed.

The Red Poop, when you can't tell if there is blood in it our not, is an OUTSTANDING gift for friends and family.

:texan:

mmmmmmmm....Hatch Chile's

[btk108]

You should roast them, peel them, and then leave them in the freezer. They get hotter.

don't forget to have them roasted first

[CrimsonJim]

now then...THAT is a topic that will get jlew in here and posting

and Fraggle! :D

[btk108]

[QUOTE=btk108;2986479]don't forget to read the post before you respond, dumbass{/QUOTE]

fixed....heh....I need my glasses

[soonerboomer93]

I do that with the greens. The reds I crush straight away.

I've never had reds.

We've always used the greens for making chili.

[The]

I've never had reds.

We've always used the greens for making chili.

I typically run the reds through the processor and make sauce out of them with red wine and tomatos.
I use it as a base in my chili, and an excellent all purpose sauce. :texan:

[stoops the eternal pimp]

this is going to be one of those days....toilet paper already feeling like sandpaper

[Fraggle145]

and Fraggle! :D

Boner? :O

[stoops the eternal pimp]

2 boners in a poop thread

[Harry Beanbag]

http://www.ratemydoodie.com/top.html

[stoops the eternal pimp]

I'll be back in 2 minutes with a report

[stoops the eternal pimp]

wow..10 minutes....well worth the time but im exhausted

[soonerborn30]

I'm literally crying from laughing at the Ryan's post. Who is responsible for that beauty?

[NormanPride]

Someone needs to post the one of the guy that craps in his girlfriend's shower with a hardon. That one was hot.

[BillyBall]

A couple of weeks ago we decided to cruise out to Ryan's Steakhouse for dinner. It was a Wednesday night, which means that macaroni and beef, was on the hot bar, indeed the only night of the week that it is served. Uncle Johnny would love it.

Wednesday night is also kid's night at Ryan's, complete with Dizzy the Clown wandering from table to table entertaining the little bastards. It may seem that the events about to be told have little connection to those two circumstances, but all will be clear in a moment.

We went through the line and placed our orders for the all-you-can-eat hot bar then sat down as far away from the front of the restaurant as possible in order to keep the density of kids down a bit. Then I started my move to the hot bar. Plate after plate of macaroni and beef was consumed that evening, I tell you - in all, four heaping plates of the pseudo-Italian ambrosia was shoved into my belly. I was sated. Perhaps a bit too much, however I had not really been feeling well all day, what with a bit of gas and such. By the time I had eaten four overwhelmed plates of food, I was in real trouble. There was so much pressure on my diaphragm that I was having trouble breathing. At the same time, the downward pressure was building. At first, I thought it was only gas which could have been passed in batches right at the table without too much concern. Unfortunately, that was not to be.

After a minute or so it was clear that I was dealing with explosive diarrhea. It's amazing how grease can make its way through your Intestines far faster than the food which spawned the grease to begin with, but I digress...
I got up from the table and made my way to the bathroom. Upon entering, I saw two sinks immediately inside the door, two urinals just to the right of the sinks, and two toilet stalls against the back wall. One of them was a handicapped bathroom. Now, normally I would have gone to the handicapped stall since I like to stretch out a bit when I take a good ****, but in this case, the door lock was broken and the only thing I hate worse than my date telling me to stop cutting my toenails with a pair of diagonal wire cutters is having someone walk in on me while I am taking a ****. I went to the normal stall.

In retrospect, I probably should have gone to the large, handicapped stall even though the door would not lock because that bit of time lost in making the stall switch proved to be a bit too long under the circumstances. By the time I had walked into the regular stall, the pressure on my *** was reaching Biblical proportions.

I began "The Move."

I know you (and definitely Uncle Johnny) understand this (though women would not), but I'll take a moment to explain "The Move" anyway. Men know exactly what their bowels are up to at any given second. And when the time comes to empty the cache, a sequence of physiological events occur that can not be stopped under any circumstances. There is a move men make that involves simultaneously approaching the toilet, beginning the body turn to position ones *** toward said toilet, hooking ones fingers into ones waistline, and pulling down the pants while beginning the squat at the same time.
It is a very fluid motion that, when performed properly, results in the flawless expulsion of **** at the exact same second that ones *** is properly placed on the toilet seat. Done properly, it even assures that the dick is properly inserted into the front rim of the toilet in the event that the **** stream lets loose at the same time; it is truly a picture of coordination rivaling that of a skilled ballet dancer.

I was about half-way into "The Move" when I looked down at the floor and saw a pile of vomit that had been previously expelled by one of those little bastards attending kids night; it was mounded up in the corner so I did not notice it when I had first walked into the stall. Normally, I would not have been bothered by such a thing, but I had eaten so much and the pressure upward was so intense, that I hit a rarely experienced gag reflex. And once that reflex started, combined with the intense pressure upward caused by the bloated stomach, four plates of macaroni and beef started coming up for a rematch.

What happened next was so quick that the exact sequence of events are a bit fuzzy, but I will try to reconstruct them as best I can. In that moment of impending projectile vomiting, my attention was diverted from the goings-on at the other end. To put a freeze frame on the situation, I was half crouched down to the toilet, pants pulled down to my knees, with a load of vomit coming up my esophagus. Now, most of you know that vomiting takes precedence over **** no matter what is about to come slamming out of your ***. It is apparently an evolutionary thing since ****ting will not kill you, but vomiting takes a presence of mind to accomplish so that you do not aspirate any food into the bronchial tubes and perhaps choke to death. My attention was thus diverted. At that very split second, my *** exploded in what can only be described as a wake...you know, as in a newspaper headline along the lines of "30,000 Killed In Wake of Typhoon Fifi" or something similar. In what seemed to be most suitably measured in cubic feet, an enormous plug of **** the consistency of thick mud with embedded pockets of greasy liquid came flying out of my ***. But remember, I was only half-way down on the toilet at that moment. The **** wave was of such force and of just such an angle in relation to the back curve of the toilet seat that it ricocheted off the back of the seat and slammed into the wall at an angle of incidence equal to the angle at which it initially hit the toilet seat.

Then I sat down.

Recall that when that event occurred, I was already half-way to sitting anyway and had actually reached the point of no return. I have always considered myself as relatively stable gravitationally, but when you get beyond a certain point, you're going down no matter how limber you may be. Needless to say, the **** wave, though of considerable force,was not so sufficient so as to completely glance off the toilet seat and deposit itself on the walls, unlike what you would see when hitting a puddle with a high-pressure water hose; even though you throw water at the puddle, the puddle gets moved and no water is left to re-form a puddle. There was a significant amount of **** remaining on about one-third of the seat rim which I had now just collapsed upon.

Now, back to the vomit...

While all the ****ting was going on, the vomit was still on its way up. By the time I had actually collapsed on the toilet, my mouth had filled up with a goodly portion of the macaroni and beef I had just consumed. OK, so what does the human body instinctively do when vomiting? One bends over. So I bent over. I was still sitting on the toilet, though. Therefore, bending over resulted in me placing my head above my now slightly-opened legs, positioned in between my knees and waist. Also directly above my pants which were now pulled down to a point just midway between my knees and my ankles. Oh, did mention that I was wearing not just pants, but sweat pants with elastic on the ankles.

In one mighty push, some three pounds of macaroni and beef, two or three Cokes, and a couple of Big, Fat Yeast Rolls were deposited in my pants...on the inside...with no ready exit at the bottom down by my feet. In the next several seconds, there were a handful of farts, a couple of turds, and the event ended, yet I was now sitting there with my pants full of vomit, my back covered in **** that had bounced off the toilet, spattered on three ceramic-tiled walls to a height of about five feet, and still had enough force to come back at me, covering the back of my shirt with droplets liquid ****. All while thick **** was spread all over my *** in a ring curiously in the shape of a toilet seat. And there was no toilet paper.

What could I do but laugh. I must have sounded like a complete maniac to the guy who then wandered into the bathroom. He actually asked if I was OK since I was laughing so hard I must have sounded like I was crying hysterically. I calmed down just enough to ask him if he would get the manager. And told him to have the manager bring some toilet paper. When the manager walked in, he brought the toilet paper with him, but in no way was prepared for what happened next. I simply told him that there was no way I was going to explain what was happening in the stall, but that I needed several wet towels and I needed him to go ask my date to
come help me. I told him where we were sitting and he left. At that point, I think he was probably assuming that I had ****ed just a bit in my pants or something similarly benign.

About two minutes later, my date came into the bathroom not knowing what was wrong and with a certain amount of worry in her voice. I explained to her (still laughing and having trouble getting out words) that I had a slight accident and needed her help. Knowing that I had experienced some close calls in the past, she probably assumed that I had laid down a small turd or something and just needed to being the car around so we could bolt immediately. Until I asked her, I'm sure she had no idea that she was about to go across the street and purchase me new underwear, new socks, new pants, a new shirt, and (by that time due to considerable leakage around the elastic ankles thingies) new sneakers. And she then started to laugh herself since I was still laughing. She began to ask for an explanation as to what had happened when I promised her that I would tell her later, but that I just needed to handle damage control for the time being. She left.

The manager then came back in with a half-dozen wet towels and a few dry ones. I asked him to also bring a mop and bucket upon which he assured me that they would clean up anything that needed to be cleaned. Without giving him specific details, I explained that what was going on in that stall that night was far in excess of what I would expect anyone to deal with, what with most of the folks working at Ryan's making minimum wage or just slightly above. At that moment, I think it dawned on him exactly the gravity of the situation. Then that manager went so far above the call of duty that I will be eternally grateful for his actions.

He hooked up a hose. Fortunately, commercial bathrooms are constructed with tile walls and tile floors and have a drain in the middle of the room in order to make clean up easy. Fortunately, I was in a commercial bathroom. He hooked up the hose to the spigot located under the sink as I began cleaning myself up with the wet towels. Just as I was finishing, my date got back with the new clothes and passed them into the stall, whereupon I stuffed the previously worn clothing into the plastic bag that came from the store, handing the bag to my date. I finished cleaning myself off and carefully put on my new clothes, still stuck in the stall since I figured that it would be in bad taste to go out of the stall to get redressed in the event I happened to be standing there naked and some little bastard kid walked in. At that point, I had only made a mess; I had not yet committed a felony and intended to keep it that way.

When I finished getting dressed, I picked up the hose and cleaned up the entire stall, washing down the remains toward the drain in the center of the room. I put down the hose and walked out of the bathroom. I had intended to go to the manager and thank him for all he had done, but when I walked out, three of the management staff were there to greet me with a standing ovation. I started laughing so hard that I thought I was going to throw up again,but managed to scurry out to the car where my date was now waiting to pick me up by the front door. The upshot of all this is that I strongly recommend eating dinner at Ryan's Steak House. They have, by far, the nicest management staff of any restaurant in which I have eaten.

That's the funniest thing I've read in a long time...

[McSooner]

Poo

[BillySims]

BOOMER!

[diverdog]

I ran an experiment the other morning. Each day I weigh myself and write it down so I can keep my weight off. Anyway I decided to weigh myself before and after taking a dump. Holy crap did that make a difference on that particular morning. I dropped a log which by my scales showed a two and half pounds in weight difference.

Has anyone had a similar experience? I just could not believe how much that sucker could have weighed.

[NickDangerThirdEye]

I ran an experiment the other morning. Each day I weigh myself and write it down so I can keep my weight off. Anyway I decided to weigh myself before and after taking a dump. Holy crap did that make a difference on that particular morning. I dropped a log which by my scales showed a two and half pounds in weight difference.

Has anyone had a similar experience? I just could not believe how much that sucker could have weighed.

You just confirmed that you are full of $hit.

[Collier11]

If there was a SFs Hall of Fame, the Ryans story would be in the top 5 no doubt.

[Collier11]

N22EpMfd1L4

[sooner59]

This thread....it.....well.....i got nuthin.

[tommieharris91]

This thread....it.....well.....i got nuthin.

Eat a steak and wait a few hours. You should have a good contribution then.

[sooner59]

Eat a steak and wait a few hours. You should have a good contribution then.

I actually read your post while on the ****er. :D

And I am getting ready to grill a steak and cook up a potato right now. Tomorrow morning will be a big morning for me. :hot:

:pop:

[stoops the eternal pimp]

Nothing great so far today...didnt even splash water on me...

I may go put down a couple of cups of coffee so I can use my turd cutter the way its supposed to be used

[btk108]

I am way overdue

[The]

I had to speed poop today.

Strained like a mad man, but got finished in just over a minute.

[SteelClip49]

I can't drink coffee but when I do....I am at the toilet in a mere few minutes letting off fireworks.

I love dumps when you know you have to go really bad and the farts in the toilet are massive while releasing torpedoes and nukes.

Btw....have you ever been in a situation where you know a massive log is wanting to come out but you can't go to the toilet because of being in a meeting or in an area where no one is near? I also hate it when it's on the cusp of coming out but have to sit down and when I sit...the log is lodged back up and the feeling is beyond unbearable.

Long, hard, massive dumps are great stress relievers and great therapy.

[The]

I can't drink coffee but when I do....I am at the toilet in a mere few minutes letting off fireworks.

I love dumps when you know you have to go really bad and the farts in the toilet are massive while releasing torpedoes and nukes.

Btw....have you ever been in a situation where you know a massive log is wanting to come out but you can't go to the toilet because of being in a meeting or in an area where no one is near? I also hate it when it's on the cusp of coming out but have to sit down and when I sit...the log is lodged back up and the feeling is beyond unbearable.

Long, hard, massive dumps are great stress relievers and great therapy.


Ninja pooping a log is an admirable skill. :texan:

[Soonerntxs]

CORN? When in the hell did I last eat CORN?

[Soonerntxs]

Never mind, It was an Orange seed! F-in HCG Diet! Got me backed up like a line of truckers at one stall glory hole outside Denver!

[SoonerDude]

If any of you poop fans have an Android device, be sure and get the free PoopLog app:

http://www.appbrain.com/app/pooplog/com.kefsco.pooplog

[soonerboomer93]

Someone needs to post the one of the guy that craps in his girlfriend's shower with a hardon. That one was hot.

That one was wrong on so many levels

[Crucifax Autumn]

Most of the threads here are ****, so go for it!

[soonerboomer93]

I ran an experiment the other morning. Each day I weigh myself and write it down so I can keep my weight off. Anyway I decided to weigh myself before and after taking a dump. Holy crap did that make a difference on that particular morning. I dropped a log which by my scales showed a two and half pounds in weight difference.

Has anyone had a similar experience? I just could not believe how much that sucker could have weighed.

never done that, I do always weigh after peeing. My morning poop isn't ready until about 10 - 11. Aka 15 minutes after I start looking at the board.

[btk108]

still waiting

[soonerbrat]

wow. 6 pages of poop stories. i'm impressed.

[btk108]

you can join in if you want....we're not biased....we know girls do it to

[soonerbrat]

that's ok. my boyfriend is the only one that gets to hear those stories.

[stoops the eternal pimp]

im a little embarassed to share my stories also

[btk108]

you guys notice how she slid the "boyfriend" in....eh? eh?

She's a quick one

[soonerbrat]

and my ex husband. sometimes i text him and say "i just took the biggest dump ever and it made me think of you, you pile of ****"

[yermom]

Someone needs to post the one of the guy that craps in his girlfriend's shower with a hardon. That one was hot.

since someone beat me to Ryan's...

http://forum.bodybuilding.com/showthread.php?t=120921191

sadly, the MS Paint pics are gone. hopefully someone somewhere preserved those :D

the pics are what really made that story epic

[yermom]

i think 4chan has us beat on the poop stories though:

http://img.chan4chan.com/img/2009-02-11/1234332115991.jpg

[Soonerntxs]

Did I tell yall bout my DOG FART?

See I had fish and well I had alot of fish one night..fish fry ya know..then later in the eve, I sat down on the couch and the dog came over and as usual, wanted me to pet it,,,so I started rubbin the dogs neck and I felt a GRUMBLE from my belly...then all of the sudden I exploded! WOW, I smelt like a burnt boot with a skunk inside it abakin in the sun on Hwy 33 between Drumright and Cushing in MID July! Next thing I knew, the dog looked at me and started that dryheavin shat and spewed all in my lap....little did I know, everyone at the Fry had been feedin the dog table scraps! Then I lost it and two others lost it watchin me loose it! 15 minutes later, we laughed till it hurt and 2 this day Catfish is a nono in my house and the dog will God rest her soul was banned from the couch....

[Harry Beanbag]

you guys notice how she slid the "boyfriend" in....eh? eh?

She's a quick one


Go on...

[soonerboy_odanorth]

An oldy that seems appropriate here:

Chili Cookoff

Notes from an inexperienced Chili taster named FRANK, who was visiting Texas from the East Coast:

"Recently I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment, and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking directions to the beer wagon when the call came. I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy, and besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted. Here are the scorecards from the event:

Chili # 1: Mike's Maniac Mobster Monster Chili
JUDGE ONE: A little too heavy on tomato. Amusing kick.

JUDGE TWO: Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.

FRANK: Holy ****, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.


Chili # 2: Arthur's Afterburner Chili
JUDGE ONE: Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight Jalapeno tang.

JUDGE TWO: Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.

FRANK: Keep this out of reach of children! I'm not sure what I am supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.


Chili # 3: Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili
JUDGE ONE: Excellent firehouse chili! Great kick. Needs more beans.

JUDGE TWO: A bean less chili, a bit salty, good use of red peppers.

FRANK: Call the EPA, I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now, get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting ****-faced from all the beer.


Chilli # 4: Bubba's Black Magic
JUDGE ONE: Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.

JUDGE TWO: Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.

FRANK: I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it, is it possible to burn-out taste buds? Sally, the bar maid, was standing behind me with fresh refills, that bitch is starting to look HOT, just like this nuclear-waste I'm eating. Is chilli an aphrodisiac?


Chili # 5: Linda's Legal Lip Remover
JUDGE ONE: Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.

JUDGE TWO: Chili using shredded beef; could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.

FRANK: My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from a pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off? It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw those rednecks!


Chili # 6: Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety
JUDGE ONE: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spice and peppers.

JUDGE TWO: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb.

FRANK: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric flames. I **** myself when I farted and I'm worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that slut Sally, she must be kinkier than I thought. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my *** with a snow cone!


Chili # 7: Susan's Screaming Sensation Chili
JUDGE ONE: A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.

JUDGE TWO: Ho Hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chilli peppers at the last moment. I should note that I am worried about Judge Number 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.

FRANK: You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a damn thing. I've lost the sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava-like **** to match my damn shirt. At least during the autopsy they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing, it's too painful. Screw it, I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4 inch hole in my stomach.


Chili # 8: Mount Saint Helen's Chili
JUDGE ONE: A perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili, safe for all, not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.

JUDGE TWO: This final entry is a good, balanced chili, neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge Number 3 passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor Yank, wonder how he would have reacted to a really hot chili?

FRANK: -------------- (editor's note: Judge #3 was unable to report)

[cantwait48]

Cuz I've got a growler that's gonna shatter some porcelain brewing, and I need to share the experience with someone.:texan:

I ate some mex food at lunch with jalapenos and hot sauce and just spent ten minutes having molten lava ooze out of my butt

[mgsooner]

Christened the downstairs half bath at our new home today. We haven't even moved in yet. I was concerned about the flush but it perfomed nicely.

[OUthunder]

One time in HS, I was drilling this chick from behind, then I hit what seemed to be...nevermind

[mgsooner]

Nein

[stoops the eternal pimp]

So I went to Carl's jr yesterday and i pitched a triple header about 10 minutes later....a combination of solid, liquid, and gas

[Lott's Bandana]

Eat right.
Exercise.
Drink plenty of water.


Rabbit pellets.


That ain't no dayum fun.

[Howzit]

So I went to Carl's jr yesterday and i pitched a triple header about 10 minutes later....a combination of solid, liquid, and gas

pics?

[stoops the eternal pimp]

http://thecia.com.au/reviews/c/images/charlie-and-the-chocolate-factory-9.jpg