Found my Biological Father on Facebook...

[SoonersEnFuego]

I have a mom and dad (my step-dad adopted me, so I have his last name) but I was just casually searching on there to see if I could find my biological father. I was just curious to see what he looks like and curious to know if I had any other half-siblings. I found him, emailed him and now he wants to meet me and my family. From what I've heard (which is not much) they didn't part on good terms, in fact my uncle said if he ever saw him again, he would shoot him.
I told him I'd like to meet him first before I introduce him to my family. Come to find out, I have 3 other half-siblings who each have a different mother. He says, "There are some things that need to be said by me to you but, I would rather say them in person. Long overdue things that now I am able to deal with."
The main reason for contacting him after I found him is because what if I had the chance to contact him and he had been looking for me his whole life and couldn't find me because my name had changed and then later maybe I tried to contact him and he died without ever knowing anything about me. I just wanted to clear that off my conscience.

What do you think? Have I made a terrible mistake?

PS: My (Step)Dad has given me persmission to look him up in case I wanted to. Nobody will ever take his place.

[soonerhubs]

That's heavy stuff. I believe you're taking the correct approach by wanting to meet him on your own first.

It can be tough to say whether it's a good or bad thing because there are so many factors to consider including your expectations, his, the families', etc. Laying out some clear boundaries may help.

[47straight]

I have a mom and dad (my step-dad adopted me, so I have his last name) but I was just casually searching on there to see if I could find my biological father. I was just curious to see what he looks like and curious to know if I had any other half-siblings. I found him, emailed him and now he wants to meet me and my family. From what I've heard (which is not much) they didn't part on good terms, in fact my uncle said if he ever saw him again, he would shoot him.
I told him I'd like to meet him first before I introduce him to my family. Come to find out, I have 3 other half-siblings who each have a different mother. He says, "There are some things that need to be said by me to you but, I would rather say them in person. Long overdue things that now I am able to deal with."
The main reason for contacting him after I found him is because what if I had the chance to contact him and he had been looking for me his whole life and couldn't find me because my name had changed and then later maybe I tried to contact him and he died without ever knowing anything about me. I just wanted to clear that off my conscience.

What do you think? Have I made a terrible mistake?

PS: My (Step)Dad has given me persmission to look him up in case I wanted to. Nobody will ever take his place.

I don't think you've made any mistakes at all. Sounds like you've done everything perfectly. All the money in the world can't buy forgiveness and redemption-if there's a chance for that, it's always worth trying. And while your biological dad can't "fix" or undo what happened, the two of you can make the most of the time that's left. And that's all you can ask for in life.

Don't expect perfection. Just take it as it comes.


And by the way, your step-dad sounds like one helluva guy.

[SoonersEnFuego]

And by the way, your step-dad sounds like one helluva guy.

He definitely is.
I've always said anyone can be a father, but it takes someone special to be a "Dad".

[1890MilesToNorman]

Fuego, I never knew my dad cause he left the house when I was 2 years old, I talked to him once when I was 16 and he was a SOB then. I heard he died about 10 years ago and it didn't mean a thing. I have no regrets about never knowing him, some men are just ****ing losers and ya cain't do a thing about it.

[The Ghost of Mex]

Fuego

My wife and I adopted our son last year. We have an open adoption with birth Mom and birth Dad (they are not together). Our hope is that he will grow up knowing both of them and his three full siblings. We have met with birth mom and siblings several times over the last year and each visit has been great. Birth Dad has been somewhat reluctant to meet, but we are actively perusing meetings.

All that said, I am very encouraged by your story and hope for you that you are able to form a positive relationship with your birth Dad. As a brand new Daddy, I pray that my Son will have similar experiences. I will pray for healing and reconciliation for you.

On a lighter note, it will be exciting for you to learn more about where you came from. I wish you well.

[Mjcpr]

I would not bring my uncle along.

[SoonersEnFuego]

Fuego, I never knew my dad cause he left the house when I was 2 years old, I talked to him once when I was 16 and he was a SOB then. I heard he died about 10 years ago and it didn't mean a thing. I have no regrets about never knowing him, some men are just ****ing losers and ya cain't do a thing about it.
That's kinda what I'm afraid of. What if he's still a scumbag or he's a piece of sh*t? And now he knows where I am. Oh well.

[TheHumanAlphabet]

You can always CHOOSE to say no or do not contact me. That is, if you don't like what you see and your gut tells you.

Best of luck on the meeting.

[picasso]

Hope it works out!

[olevetonahill]

Ya did the right thing iMHO
But aint been mentioned and its a Biggie
Get all of his families Medical history ya can. Ya never know if and when ya might need that history
Good luck

[fadada1]

good for you. i say "go for it". don't look back in 20 years and regret not meeting the man (at the very least). good luck to you.

[Curly Bill]

I'd say deciding on what to do is a very individual thing. Sounds like you have the right mindset to help make that decision. Good luck however you decide.

[Oldnslo]

I hope you find what you're looking for. But, I'd trust your Uncle's judgment.

[StoopTroup]

Think positive. Don't set up expectations. Let nature take it's course and if he's ghey and a Jerry Springer fan....just tell him it was nice meeting you and then get the hell away as fast as you can. Also...if you find out it's an undesirable poster from whornfans and he looks like Lid or is Lid.....shoot first and ask questions later. :D ;)

Good Luck Bro.

I'm sure it will workout as long as you just keep it simple. If things are to progress...it's gonna take time. Rome wasn't built in a day.

[RUSH LIMBAUGH is my clone!]

Ya did the right thing iMHO
But aint been mentioned and its a Biggie
Get all of his families Medical history ya can. Ya never know if and when ya might need that history
Good luckExcellent idea

[Breadburner]

You atleast will have no regret about not trying.....

[Collier11]

I have a mom and dad (my step-dad adopted me, so I have his last name) but I was just casually searching on there to see if I could find my biological father. I was just curious to see what he looks like and curious to know if I had any other half-siblings. I found him, emailed him and now he wants to meet me and my family. From what I've heard (which is not much) they didn't part on good terms, in fact my uncle said if he ever saw him again, he would shoot him.
I told him I'd like to meet him first before I introduce him to my family. Come to find out, I have 3 other half-siblings who each have a different mother. He says, "There are some things that need to be said by me to you but, I would rather say them in person. Long overdue things that now I am able to deal with."
The main reason for contacting him after I found him is because what if I had the chance to contact him and he had been looking for me his whole life and couldn't find me because my name had changed and then later maybe I tried to contact him and he died without ever knowing anything about me. I just wanted to clear that off my conscience.

What do you think? Have I made a terrible mistake?

PS: My (Step)Dad has given me persmission to look him up in case I wanted to. Nobody will ever take his place.

Exact same situation happened to me basically, I found my biological pops on here, hadnt spoken to him since I was 13 and only once before that in my life, I have 3 half siblings whom I had never met or talked to until I found them on facebook. The sperm donor told me he needed to discuss things with me and then when he did, it was nothing but excuses and BS...Be careful!

[NormanPride]

Ya did the right thing iMHO
But aint been mentioned and its a Biggie
Get all of his families Medical history ya can. Ya never know if and when ya might need that history
Good luck

THIS. Make sure you get medical history!!

[Frozen Sooner]

Ya did the right thing iMHO
But aint been mentioned and its a Biggie
Get all of his families Medical history ya can. Ya never know if and when ya might need that history
Good luck

Good advice right there.

[SoonersEnFuego]

Thanks everybody for your opinons.

I found out today that I graduated with a girl that is my 1st cousin. This could have been VERY bad news... but it wasn't.

[Ike]

Just in case it hasn't been mentioned before, make sure get as much medical history as you can for him and his ancestors, and possibly your half bros and sisters. ;)

[C&CDean]

One of these days I'll post about the bizarre adoption story in my family. Talk about Jerry Springer worthy...

In your case, I'd meet with him one-on-one, and even at that, I'd keep him at arm's length. Find out about him, his reasons/excuses, etc. No way in hell would I let him meet my family/find out where I live/etc. until I feel very comfortable he isn't a putz. I know a few people who have seeked out their biological dad - and then hated the day they did cause the guy was still the same POS that dumped the kids way back when. Leopards rarely change their spots. Like the good attorney said, "you should trust your uncle's judgment."

[GKeeper316]

i would say its a good idea to meet him just to get an accurate family medical history from him. its good to know if heart defects or some other crazy **** runs in his family that you'll need to prepare for.

[soonerboy_odanorth]

In man's law be judicious and cautious. In the Christian tradition be open and forgiving.

It is a delicate and fine line.

I agree... meet him. Play 20 questions. Withhold and don't reveal too much, but be open to hearing him out. In that, when you have that knee-jerk urge to cut him off when he may or may not be telling you "that story", hear it out before you speak. Then think about a fair response.

Prayers and best of luck. Let us know what you decide and/or how it goes.

[Soonerus]

Good luck !!!

[sooner n houston]

As a man who has both been adopted as a child and adopted two children as an adult, I am with Dean. Be very cautious. Meeting my biological mom was very hurtful, love her family though. When my kids got to know their "dad" they both disowned him after a couple of years and both wish they had not undertaken the journey. Be careful!

[Howzit]

I was raised by a pack of wolves.

Well, I was adopted by my step-wolf.

[RUSH LIMBAUGH is my clone!]

As a man who has both been adopted as a child and adopted two children as an adult, I am with Dean. Be very cautious. Meeting my biological mom was very hurtful, love her family though. When my kids got to know their "dad" they both disowned him after a couple of years and both wish they had not undertaken the journey. Be careful!I have a brother who is adopted. Never has he said he wanted to know anything about, or meet his biological parents. I can't fully understand his (non)motivation. I think if I had been adopted, I would be very curious about my natural parents.

[SoonersEnFuego]

I am probably just going to do lunch with him in September sometime. I'll keep you posted.

[Howzit]

I was raised by a pack of wolves.

Well, I was adopted by my step-wolf.


Not really, I was just joking you.

[OUMallen]

I have a brother who is adopted. Never has he said he wanted to know anything about, or meet his biological parents. I can't fully understand his (non)motivation. I think if I had been adopted, I would be very curious about my natural parents.

I'm adopted. I was a newborn, and it was a closed adoption through an agency, so I have no recollection and no way of finding my biological parents other than knowing I was born in Lubbock. I've always been "meh" on the subject of my biological parents. It'd be cool I guess, but really, I have a Mom and a Dad.

[RUSH LIMBAUGH is my clone!]

I'm adopted. I was a newborn, and it was a closed adoption through an agency, so I have no recollection and no way of finding my biological parents other than knowing I was born in Lubbock. I've always been "meh" on the subject of my biological parents. It'd be cool I guess, but really, I have a Mom and a Dad.My brother's situation is VERY similar to yours...except he was a bit luckier than you by being born in OKC.

[OUMallen]

Heh, no joke. :) I've lived in and around OKC/Edmond/Norman pretty much my entire life. It's always kinda weird that I was born in LBK.

[SunnySooner]

Good luck and prayers for you, however you deal with this and however it turns out. I hope you get some answers to some questions, and I hope you are able to be friends with your DNA dad, I'm sure he has many regrets, and would like to have as much of your time as you are willing to give--you are for sure in the driver's seat here, though, so don't feel pressured or do anything you don't feel comfortable with.

I may have some biological children out there--we donated some leftover embryos after we had our girl and decided our family was complete. I sent along a bunch of pics of me and hubby and our kids, who would be their biological bro and sis, but it's a little different, since the parents may choose to never tell the kids they are not their biological children. I mean, the mom will carry and birth the baby(ies), she and the hubby will be listed as the parents on the birth certificate, our names will not be anywhere in the documents. I also sent a bunch of info on our medical histories and those of our families, our education (how funny would it be if the kid loves the Sooners and doesn't know why, since he was born in Indiana or somewhere, I'd LOVE that), our personalities, etc., because you inherit a lot more than hair and eye color. I don't feel a motherly attachment, or a need to "know" for sure if there are kids out there, but if they wanted to contact us one day, that would be fine, I'm sure they'd be curious, and I'd be happy to answer whatever questions they had, and welcome them as friends of our family, but I would never feel like I was their mom.

Lots of crazy families these days, and these kinds of things are now normal instead of exceptional, you're not alone in this situation, no doubt.

[SoonersEnFuego]

I'm adopted. I was a newborn, and it was a closed adoption through an agency, so I have no recollection and no way of finding my biological parents other than knowing I was born in Lubbock. I've always been "meh" on the subject of my biological parents. It'd be cool I guess, but really, I have a Mom and a Dad.

I was a few months old when all this happened, so I have no recollection either, and I've been "meh" as well. Have your mother and father looked for your bio parents or would they be hurt if you did?

I was born in Avon Park, FL and then moved to Bartlesville, OK eventually and found out the other day that I graduated with my first cousin on bio-father's side.
Is that not insane?

[OUMallen]

I was a few months old when all this happened, so I have no recollection either, and I've been "meh" as well. Have your mother and father looked for your bio parents or would they be hurt if you did?

I was born in Avon Park, FL and then moved to Bartlesville, OK eventually and found out the other day that I graduated with my first cousin on bio-father's side.
Is that not insane?

Wow. That's amazing, seriously.

The only way we can find my parents, other than some super sleuthing, is through the agency. Mom told me she wouldn't care if I did. When I mentioned it once in undergrad, she cried, so I didn't. (Really because I didn't care that much.)

A year or two ago I decided- why not? So just signed up and told her later. I'm 29 now, so it's not like I needed her approval, but her being happy is important. :) No one on the "otehr side" (i.e.- birthparents or partial siblings) signed up, so I'm still a cabbage patch kid for now.

My funny adoption story is that I ended up, somehow, dating my current GF and she's from LBK. The first time I had been back there since I was born was with her.