Changes YOU'D imagine the Texas Board of Education is going to make

[LosAngelesSooner]

Instead of whining about the changes the Texas Board of Education IS making to their history curriculum and textbooks, instead let's give a good ol' South Oval shakedown of what we THINK a bunch of typical Texans are gonna change in THEIR view of history. Scott D already started the ball rolling with this:
They weren't slaughtered at the Alamo, it was just a minor setback against the bloodthirsty Mexican Chupacabra Vampires led by General Dracula Santa Ana. It wasn't that the University of Texas waited until the 70s to have black players, it's that they couldn't reach the rigorous academic standards of the University until the 70s. All livestock evolved from a single longhorn steer. God built the state of Texas, then he created life and the rest of the universe. What say you, folks? What changes in history do you think Texas is gonna make?

[Leroy Lizard]

Darrell Royal, not to be confused with a player from the University of Oklahoma with the same name, led Texas two three national titles.

[LosAngelesSooner]

- Nobody born in the state of Texas, in its entire history, has ever been gay.

- Texas not only retains the right to secede from th Union whenever it wants, it also gets a parting gift of a Betty Crocker Crock Pot set, a Pink Cadillac and all of Kevin Smith's movies on Blue Ray.

- Texas was never part of Mexico, it's just always had border control issues with its southern border.

- Any Texan who leaves the state of Texas to go to another University for ANY reason is labeled "Traitor," branded with the Mark of Cain and never allowed back into the state as long as he or she shall live.

[MR2-Sooner86]

Texas is the only state that can believe it's not butter.

[sooner59]

Texas changes every Chuck Norris joke to a fact about Rick Perry.

[yermom]

they didn't lose at the Alamo, they just ran out of time

[Scott D]

they didn't lose at the Alamo, they just ran out of time

they didn't run out of time, they just didn't have an answer for those chupacabra vampires.

[Leroy Lizard]

They would have won The Battle of The Alamo if the Mexicans hadn't cheated. It was well-known that the Mexican Army illegally recruited soldiers.

Texas - 1836 Alamo Bowl Champions*

[OKLA21FAN]

they didn't lose at the Alamo, they just ran out of time

and that pesky cross wind kept the cannon shots out of range

[Leroy Lizard]

"I'll speak for Davy Crockett. Oh, he's dead. Okay, I'll speak for Sam Bowie. Oh, he's dead too."

[SanJoaquinSooner]

Happy pi day.

[LosAngelesSooner]

"I'll speak for Davy Crockett. Oh, he's dead. Okay, I'll speak for Sam Bowie. Oh, he's dead too."

^^^ THIS...is awesome. :D

[47straight]

Great thread, LAS.

[MR2-Sooner86]

Jesus was born in Austin.

Without Texas the United States would fail.

Texas could've won the Civil War but decided to be nice and let the North have this one.

Texas didn't have slavery, just helpers.

Texas alone ended slavery.

Lyndon B. Johnson was the greatest President in American history.

Charles Whitman was just jealous of Texas and it's people.

The 2005 Texas Longhorns would beat 1995 Nebraska 1,000,000 - 2. Texas would let them have the safety because Texas is nothing but class and sportsmanship which other college teams have lost.

[Leroy Lizard]

Texas could've won the Civil War but decided to be nice and let the North have this one.

Texas was just burdened by the other states in the Confederacy.

[MrJimBeam]

Dallas was the capitol of Oklahoma until annexed by Texas on Novemeber 23rd, 1963.

[OhU1]

Battle of the Alamo.*

* 1836 Texas victory

EDIT: Leroy beat me to it!

[LosAngelesSooner]

* The stars, at night, are big and bright ONLY deep in the heart of Texas, and no place else.

* John Wayne was born in Texas, lived there and died there. He was also the 34th President.

* When Chuck Norris dies, he's going to be cremated and have his ashes spread across the state of Texas, thus infusing ALL Texans with his powers.

* Legally and according to the new history books everything IS bigger in Texas. No matter what.

* The Cotton Bowl has officially been declared a neutral site, much like Switzerland.

[yermom]

yeah, as if Chuck Norris could die

[Leroy Lizard]

20 years from now, a large group of people will converge on a small home in Abilene where Maria Cervantez claims she saw Chuck Norris in her tortillas.

[badger]

Now THIS thread looks fun! :)

Here's my entry:

The Texas State Flag is not flown at the same height as the United States of America flag. Rather, the United States of America flag simply aspires to be flown as high as the State of Texas flag and succeeds on many occasions.

[Leroy Lizard]

Betsy Ross was originally from Texas. The Stars and Stripes were merely a rough sketch for her later Texas state flag design.

[badger]

Asterisks are not the punchline of any anti-Texas joke. Rather, asterisks add distinction and prestige to a unquestionable, undisputed championship year. So there.

[GrapevineSooner]

Somewhere, there's a David Koresh joke worth sharing in this thread.

I just haven't found it yet.

[Leroy Lizard]

Asterisks are not the punchline of any anti-Texas joke. Rather, asterisks add distinction and prestige to a unquestionable, undisputed championship year. So there.

That was awesome!

[badger]

Governor Ann Richards was not defeated by George W. Bush. In fact, we've never heard of George W. Bush.

[Harry Beanbag]

In order to graduate from high school, everyone will have to be able to hit a target from at least 1000 yards with an M-1 Garand rifle. The certificate will be stapled to the back of their diploma so it won't be misplaced by the gun range used for qualification.

[lexsooner]

Texans lead the nation in every demographic category. Any figures which are not good can be attributed to Mexicans who have invaded the great sovereign nation of Texas, who are not real Texans or Americans regardless of citizenship, and an asterisk must accompany any bad figures.

The "Fatass Cowboy" look of a western shirt, blue jeans covering big fat butt, cowboy hat and boots, massive silver belt buckle, is one of the great fashion statements in history, worn by Texans for a century. Garth Brooks only ripped off this fatass cowboy look. He is definitely not a Texan because he has a lesbian sister whom he supported.

The Aggie Corp of Cadets is one of the most revered and respected and elite military units in the world, carrying more prestige than any U.S. military academy, Sandhurst in England, etc. They have wounded or killed more opposing football fans than any other military unit in the world.

[badger]

America will not be a free and sovereign nation unless Austin is kept weird.

[BudSooner]

Texas no longer recognizes any god before Mack Brown, and on the 7th day...Mack took a knee.

[virginiasooner]

The Pilgrims were actually on their way to South Padre Island and got blown off course by Hurricane Calvin. John Hancock's signature on the Declaration of Independence proves he's from the Lone Star State ("everything's bigger in Texas"). Sam Adams learned how to brew beer from the brewers of Pearl Beer.

[Leroy Lizard]

The "Fatass Cowboy" look of a western shirt, blue jeans covering big fat butt, cowboy hat and boots, massive silver belt buckle, is one of the great fashion statements in history, worn by Texans for a century. Garth Brooks only ripped off this fatass cowboy look. He is definitely not a Texan because he has a lesbian sister whom he supported

True story: I once chastised Horn fans in hornfans.com about the image, and most of the posters claimed they were quite proud of the fat, obnoxious, fake Cowboy look.

[SoonerStormchaser]

Corny dogs at the State Fair are Texas's homage to John Wayne's wang!

[Bourbon St Sooner]

The 10 square mile national Capital was originally supposed to be on the Trinity River, not the Potomac River, but texas didn't want to foul up their perfect land with a bunch of politicians from other states. Especially since it's like a-hole other country.

[Scott D]

On December 28th, 1849 The United States applied for admission to the Union of Texas...we chose to grant them admission.

[Collier11]

The actual spelling of terror is changed to turror

[badger]

All food must be deep fried. There shall be no trans-fat bans, unless the bans are on food that doesn't contain trans fat.

[OhU1]

63-14 doesn't count because OU used a Jr. College transfer QB.

Most OU "wins" over Texas are tained by cheating. Other OU "wins" are noted with the following asterisk: *Lots of Texas-born players on OU's roster, win does not count.

[Collier11]

asterisks become the official state sign for we win, you lose

[badger]

No OU football wins count because they use players that used to attend Texas high schools and by law, all Texas high school players must play college football in the state of Texas.

Texas is the biggest state, the end. Some may say that Alaska is larger by area, and that California has more people, but this is our curriculum dang it, so the answer "Everything is bigger in Texas" shall be considered correct in academia regardless of what anyone else says.

Obesity is not an epidemic. It's something invented by the liberal media to stop people from enjoying Mexican, Tex-Mex and Texas steakhouse food.

[sooner59]

http://hphotos-snc1.fbcdn.net/hs014.snc1/2955_683939627437_9611829_39564128_221323_n.jpg

[Scott D]

If Sarah Palin had come from Texas, John McCain would have been her vice presidential candidate in a landslide win.

[badger]

God blesses Texas, because God is a Texan. And a Dallas Cowboys fan. God bless Texas!

[JLEW1818]

i like texas. i just hate horns, aggies, and pirates.. and dallas, even tho i live there currently

[badger]

Deeper shades of every color, from burnt orange to maroon, shall be the standard set of crayons required by all Texas state kindergarteners during coloring time. Any inferior crayon boxes found in elementary schools shall be deemed child abuse.

[LosAngelesSooner]

According to the Texas State Board of Health, if you cannot deep fry it on a stick, then it's not "food."

[badger]

Kids will be required to sing the national anthem, the pledge of allegiance, and the "I promise that if I'm ever a highly recruited athlete, I will not travel north of the Red River" pledge.

[Scott D]

To graduate from preschool, all Texas children must be able to recite not only how many televisions Mack Brown has in his bathroom, but the sizes and dpi of each one of them.