KC//CRIMSON
1/29/2010, 03:10 PM
http://www.buffalobeast.com/wp-content/uploads/2010/01/Tiger_Woods2.jpg
50. Tiger Woods
Charges: Rose to god-like celebrity and tycoon-level riches smacking a ball into a hole with a stick. His promiscuity with commercial endorsements makes his sexual dalliances seem frivolous by contrast. Cheated on his Swedish supermodel wife with over a dozen women, all of whom look like “Rock of Love” washouts.
Exhibit A: “Who is your new boy toy?”
Sentence: Zero stroke penalty.
49. Tyler Perry’s Loathsome Entry
Charges: It’s not a strong female character if it’s played by a man in a dress. Perry’s Oprah approved, pedestrian morality plays inartfully cajole his audience toward the same tired Jesus pitch, an excellent product placement opportunity to sell to a hopeless audience. It’s generally agreed that Precious is the funniest thing he’s ever attached his name to, a practice he can’t seem to resist.
Exhibit A: “Hollywood is finally waking up to the fact that people who go to church also go to the movies.”
Sentence: Tyler Perry’s Obstructed Bowel.
48. Keith Bardwell
Charges: It would have been disgusting for this now former Justice of the Peace to refused to marry an interracial couple in the ’60s, but he’s a droopy, old honky from Lousiana, where love is defined as being between a white senator, his white dominatrix and his white diaper. His textbook evasion, “Think of the children,” has been a perennial favorite among the “I’m not racist, but…” crowd for several millennia, but rings especially hollow in Obama’s first term. In his defense, Judge Bardwell assured us: he allows black people into his home, and even lets them use the bathroom.
Exhibit A: “I’m not a racist. I just don’t believe in mixing the races that way.”
Sentence: Forgiven and hugged by his black “friends.”
http://www.buffalobeast.com/wp-content/uploads/2010/01/Twatter1.jpg
47. @ Biz Stone
Chrg: Cartoon anchorman name. Twitter venu 4 Kutcher/Palin/slf-invlvd banal/lies. Ex: cntrb 2 ilitrcy. Snt: 140 chr Iranian fatwa.
46. Jon Gosselin
Charges: Half responsible for producing the environmental disaster known as 8, transferring his wife’s abuse of him onto his children, pushing them all into the spotlight and then dumping them for a quasi-celebrity life of E! interviews, night clubs and not nearly enough pills.
Exhibit A: “I mean, I put my kids out there to every pedophile on the planet, and they never got paid for it?”
Sentence: Married to Octomom.
45. Nadya Suleman
Charges: Destroying the good name of cephalopods everywhere, Octomom was as annoyingly unavoidable in 2009 as she was inconsequential. The worst thing about this baby-hording disaster is what her fame said about us. It was a circus all right: a classic freakshow and a funhouse mirror, reflecting the nation in all its twisted voyeuristic obsession. Americans adore someone to whom they can all feel superior. Claims to never have had plastic surgery, which means she was born looking like a poorly done carving of Angelina Jolie and her belly is made of rubber.
Exhibit A: “I like to be really private. I don’t like the spotlight.”
Sentence: Raising fourteen children.
http://www.buffalobeast.com/wp-content/uploads/2010/01/Joe_Wilson3.jpg
44. Joe Wilson
Charges: A former member of the Sons of Confederate Veterans, Wilson was one of only seven legislators who fought to keep ol’ Dixie flying in South Carolina. When his former employer, legendary segregationist Strom Thurmond, was revealed to be the father of his black maid’s daughter, Wilson said that she should have kept her trap shut. He’s pals with the Federation for American Immigration Reform, founded by a white nationalist and classified as a hate group by the Southern Poverty Law Center. Every president lies, of course, but we have a feeling there’s only one kind of president this cracker would disrespect enough to shout it at him in the middle of an address to both houses of congress—for the same reason he became a fundraising star for the GOP overnight.
Exhibit A: “You lie!”
Sentence: After the Nuclear-Alien-Cyborg Wars of 2065, the only record left of Wilson’s red-faced accusation is one lonely Smithsonian photo with a charred and illegible caption, which future historians translate as “Pull my finger!”
43. Joe Farah
Charges: As editor of Worldnetdaily, old Joe’s insanity is often the starting line in the race from Drudge to Fox to a large, sweaty-headed Olbermann condemnation. Birther, creationist, secret Muslim, 9/11 conspiracies, Vince Foster, Chuck Norris: they do it all, and false evidence is their favorite kind. WND makes Jenny McCarthy’s Twitter feed read like a peer-reviewed journal, and yet the media pays attention to both, because our culture’s an intellectual cesspool. You know you’re in trouble when even Glenn Beck thinks your Obama conspiracy theories are ridiculous.
Exhibit A: “Think of all the world’s legends about dragons. Look at those images. What were those folks seeing? They were clearly seeing dinosaurs.”
Sentence: 2nd place in a John Stossel lookalike contest.
http://www.buffalobeast.com/wp-content/uploads/2010/01/huffington1.jpg
42. Arianna Huffington
Charges: HuffPo’s health coverage is like a horny chimp with a switch blade: dumb and dangerous. Arrianna’s “Wellness Editor” holds a “PhD” in homeopathy, the fake science of diluting medicine in water to increase its healing power—the higher the dilution, the more potent. In fact, she and other homeopathic quacks sell “medicine,” which is indistinguishable from Evian. Last summer, Arianna’s “internet newspaper” advised people to protect themselves from swine flu with a deep-cleansing enema. Seriously. Every woo-age celebrity with a vaccination conspiracy or snake oil remedy and a laptop is given column space at HuffPo. It hurts to read Dan Akroyd speculate about the existence of ghosts; it’s agonizing to read Deepak Chopra’s shoddy metaphysics, and it may actually kill to publish Bill Maher’s Luddite rants. Apparently, the only thing Huffington won’t let her writers do is get paid.
Exhibit A: “When it comes to health and wellness issues, our goal is to provide a diverse forum for a reasoned discussion of issues of interest and importance to our readers.”
Sentence: AIDS, one of Magic Johnson’s pills, Lake Michigan and a crazy straw.
41. Jake Sully
Charges: Say what you will about his questionable allegiance to, and interspecies intercourse with, the 9-ft blue Indians of Pandora. Say what you will about his refusal to bend to the will of Big Unobtainium. Say what you will about the ex-Marine’s bravery and fighting skill. But for the love of Eywa, why didn’t he at least warn the Na’vi at some point that the humans meant to slaughter them and nine-eleven their giant treehouse? Why, Jake Sully, why?
Exhibit A: “Outcast. Betrayer. Alien. I was in the place the eye does not see.”
Sentence: Soon realizes that living in the woods gets boring pretty fast, loses custody of huge red dragon in ugly divorce.
40. Richard Heene
Charges: He distracted the entire nation with a shiny object. Handicapped his own child by a) naming him Falcon and b) making him the focus of a hoax that wasted millions of dollars and everyone’s time in a sad quest to regain the exploitive reality TV spotlight. Busted by his hyperactive kid on live TV, Heene made the “Today” show the next morning, dragging a suddenly catatonic, vomiting, and clearly drugged balloon boy along to issue the least credible retraction since the inquisition of Galileo.
Exhibit A: “We don’t have cable. The kids don’t watch. And the reason why we disconnected the cable is because there’s so much negative news out there. Well, now I’m a part of it.”
Sentence: Obscurity.
http://www.buffalobeast.com/wp-content/uploads/2010/01/hassan.jpg
39. Muzzammil Hassan
Charges: As the head of America’s first Muslim cable TV network, his story became a cause célèbre for Islamophobes like Michelle Malkin when he ritualistically removed his wife’s head with a sword. Not all Muslims honor-kill their wives because of perverted faith and pathological levels of masculine insecurity, but Hassan’s deplorable actions should remind us all that Muhammad was a sword-happy misogynist, who had a six year-old wife and a tenuous grasp of morality.
Exhibit A: “But the stories that are missing are the countless stories of Muslim tolerance, progress, diversity, service and excellence that Bridges TV hopes to tell.”
Sentence: Honor suicide.
38. Chris Dodd
Charges: We expect senators to be corrupt hypocrites, but when you’re taking no-interest loans from banks you’re supposed to be regulating, and over a hundred grand in campaign cash from AIG while you just happen to exempt them from your bonus crackdown, it doesn’t help to pose as a crusading man of the people, fighting those big mean bankers. Chris Dodd, **** you. **** you for fooling so many nice, if naïve, people into thinking you were on the level. **** you for saying “here” all the time like it’s a goddamn comma. But most of all, **** you for being you, just another phony, entitled senator on the take.
Exhibit A: Dodd’s dad was a Senator too—and he was censured for pilfering $100,000 from his campaign funds in 1967.
Sentence: Accidentally swallows 5,392 dollars in change.
37. It’s Vince from Shamwow!
Charges: As if this menacing pitch-gremlin weren’t viscerally repulsive enough, he confirmed everyone’s intuitive suspicions last year by beating up a hooker in a Florida hotel room. As homage to the gods of irony, he carries on unscathed as the grating voice and disturbing face of a product called Slap Chop, a product he promises will “slap your troubles away.”
Exhibit A: “You’re gonna love my nuts.”
Sentence: Coke stash raided nightly by the shouting ghost of Billy Mays.
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36. Virginia Foxx
Charges: There are plenty of terrible people in congress, but none are as ****house dumb as this repugnant, purblind vulture. Aggressively gullible in the way that only those lost to the crude comforts of pure dogma can be, Foxx is similar to her peculiar fans, who call themselves patriots while openly despising 80% of their country’s population, in that she’s able to swallow whole and regurgitate absurd, ahistorical fictions, and go right on believing them in the face of absolute proof of their falsehood. Racially clueless, Foxx thought it relevant to mention that an economist who disagreed with Obama was black. You know, he’s black, and even HE disagrees with Obama. Who is also black. That’s relevant.
Exhibit A: “[Republicans] were the people who passed the civil rights bills back in the ’60s without very much help from our colleagues across the aisle. They love to engage in revisionist history.”
Sentence: To become part of a “hoax,” similar to the Matthew Shepard murder.
35. Teabaggers
Charges: America’s dumbest and most racist citizens finally found a cause they could all get behind that isn’t pro wrestling or NASCAR. The Lolcats of protest sign grammar, they think scare quotes actually make things scary (e.g. “Obama is a ‘communist’ “). They don’t understand that they’re duped showpieces for billionaires who threaten their freedom and prosperity far more than their beloved nemesis, Big Gubmint. And their instant escalation from complacent couch potatoes to rhetorical revolutionaries just happened to coincide with the election of a black Democrat with the middle name Hussein. What are the chances?
Exhibit A: They called it Teabagging first.
Sentence: To star in an extremely patriotic, live ammunition reenactment the Battle of Bunker hill.
34. Terrell Owens
Charges: While not being emasculated on his hit VH1 ‘reality’ show by his two creepily controlling managers, he made Buffalo an even sadder place to live. While he managed to keep his notorious attitude in check (albeit making a rather obvious show of it), he flaked on training camp, slacked all year and dropped more balls than a glazed ham.
Exhibit A: He bet a Bills fan his Bentley that he’d score 10 touchdowns, but he didn’t pay up.
Sentence: Another season with the Bills.
http://www.buffalobeast.com/wp-content/uploads/2010/01/Orly_Taitz2.jpg
33. Orly Taitz
Charges: The mother of all birthers, this OC-based dentist, lawyer, uber-Zionist and all around lunatic spent ‘09 spreading crazy like the flu, and making the legal profession look even more unseemly than usual. She sought to stay an Army doctor’s deployment to Iraq on the grounds that Obama’s presidency is illegal, and when the judge refused to hear the case, she accused him of treason repeatedly, although her client took pains to disavow her as her lawyer in a letter Taitz deemed a forgery. Taitz would know, as submitting badly forged foreign birth certificates as evidence is a favorite practice. In addition to her fevered, baseless agitations against Obama, she runs the gamut of paranoia typical to medication-deprived schizos: FEMA camps, Hugo Chavez-controlled U.S. voting software, and killer bird flu vaccines. Even O’Reilly thinks she’s a “nut,” but as Taitz knows, Fox is partially owned by Saudi Arabia. The only hope left for Taitz’s reputation is that she may actually be Sasha Baron Cohen working on his next film.
Exhibit A: “What is the real intention of this Kenyan, Indonesian communist usurper? …it might be time to start rallies and protests using our second amendment right to bare arms [sic] and organise in militias.”
Sentence: Hot tub sex with Lyndon LaRouche.
32. Geese
Charges: Get the **** out of the way! We’re trying to fly planes here! These feathered kamikazes down scores of aircraft and contribute to our media’s apparent inability to distinguish between preparedness and miracles. Always honking. Downright mean when you get up close to them.
Exhibit A: You know how every once in a while a pillow feather will stab you? That.
Sentence: Foie gras.
31. Michael Bloomberg
Charges: The Berlusconi of Little Italy, and ever-humble coauthor of Bloomberg by Bloomberg, he overturned a voter referendum on NYC term limits and then spent $102 million ($183 per vote) barely winning a third term as mayor. Giuliani thinks he’s doing a good job, so that’s obviously not true. He’s the bane of the preservation society with his bulldoze and build ethic, yet while Dubai can build the tallest skyscraper in the world in 5 years, New York still hosts a rubble park where the World Trade Center used to be.
Exhibit A: Called previous efforts to repeal term limits “a disgrace.” When asked last year why he’d changed his tune, he called the reporter “a disgrace.”
Sentence: Riddled with pocket change thrown from the Empire State Building.
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30. Joe Lieberman
Charges: Appears intent on darkening the future of the uninsured in order to exercise a personal grudge. Opposed to government-run insurance, except for Medicare, Medicaid, his 2006 plan “Medi-kids,” And his own plan to expand Medicare, which he now vehemently opposes, on principled grounds, of course, which have nothing to do with campaign donations or waving his baboon-purple *** in the face of Democrats and poor people everywhere. Exemplifies the smug, detached narcissism that characterizes the Senate.
Exhibit A: “I can do more for you and your families to get something done to make health care affordable, to get universal health insurance.”
Sentence: Lieberman has a mild heart attack, and is immediately rushed to a cemetery.
50. Tiger Woods
Charges: Rose to god-like celebrity and tycoon-level riches smacking a ball into a hole with a stick. His promiscuity with commercial endorsements makes his sexual dalliances seem frivolous by contrast. Cheated on his Swedish supermodel wife with over a dozen women, all of whom look like “Rock of Love” washouts.
Exhibit A: “Who is your new boy toy?”
Sentence: Zero stroke penalty.
49. Tyler Perry’s Loathsome Entry
Charges: It’s not a strong female character if it’s played by a man in a dress. Perry’s Oprah approved, pedestrian morality plays inartfully cajole his audience toward the same tired Jesus pitch, an excellent product placement opportunity to sell to a hopeless audience. It’s generally agreed that Precious is the funniest thing he’s ever attached his name to, a practice he can’t seem to resist.
Exhibit A: “Hollywood is finally waking up to the fact that people who go to church also go to the movies.”
Sentence: Tyler Perry’s Obstructed Bowel.
48. Keith Bardwell
Charges: It would have been disgusting for this now former Justice of the Peace to refused to marry an interracial couple in the ’60s, but he’s a droopy, old honky from Lousiana, where love is defined as being between a white senator, his white dominatrix and his white diaper. His textbook evasion, “Think of the children,” has been a perennial favorite among the “I’m not racist, but…” crowd for several millennia, but rings especially hollow in Obama’s first term. In his defense, Judge Bardwell assured us: he allows black people into his home, and even lets them use the bathroom.
Exhibit A: “I’m not a racist. I just don’t believe in mixing the races that way.”
Sentence: Forgiven and hugged by his black “friends.”
http://www.buffalobeast.com/wp-content/uploads/2010/01/Twatter1.jpg
47. @ Biz Stone
Chrg: Cartoon anchorman name. Twitter venu 4 Kutcher/Palin/slf-invlvd banal/lies. Ex: cntrb 2 ilitrcy. Snt: 140 chr Iranian fatwa.
46. Jon Gosselin
Charges: Half responsible for producing the environmental disaster known as 8, transferring his wife’s abuse of him onto his children, pushing them all into the spotlight and then dumping them for a quasi-celebrity life of E! interviews, night clubs and not nearly enough pills.
Exhibit A: “I mean, I put my kids out there to every pedophile on the planet, and they never got paid for it?”
Sentence: Married to Octomom.
45. Nadya Suleman
Charges: Destroying the good name of cephalopods everywhere, Octomom was as annoyingly unavoidable in 2009 as she was inconsequential. The worst thing about this baby-hording disaster is what her fame said about us. It was a circus all right: a classic freakshow and a funhouse mirror, reflecting the nation in all its twisted voyeuristic obsession. Americans adore someone to whom they can all feel superior. Claims to never have had plastic surgery, which means she was born looking like a poorly done carving of Angelina Jolie and her belly is made of rubber.
Exhibit A: “I like to be really private. I don’t like the spotlight.”
Sentence: Raising fourteen children.
http://www.buffalobeast.com/wp-content/uploads/2010/01/Joe_Wilson3.jpg
44. Joe Wilson
Charges: A former member of the Sons of Confederate Veterans, Wilson was one of only seven legislators who fought to keep ol’ Dixie flying in South Carolina. When his former employer, legendary segregationist Strom Thurmond, was revealed to be the father of his black maid’s daughter, Wilson said that she should have kept her trap shut. He’s pals with the Federation for American Immigration Reform, founded by a white nationalist and classified as a hate group by the Southern Poverty Law Center. Every president lies, of course, but we have a feeling there’s only one kind of president this cracker would disrespect enough to shout it at him in the middle of an address to both houses of congress—for the same reason he became a fundraising star for the GOP overnight.
Exhibit A: “You lie!”
Sentence: After the Nuclear-Alien-Cyborg Wars of 2065, the only record left of Wilson’s red-faced accusation is one lonely Smithsonian photo with a charred and illegible caption, which future historians translate as “Pull my finger!”
43. Joe Farah
Charges: As editor of Worldnetdaily, old Joe’s insanity is often the starting line in the race from Drudge to Fox to a large, sweaty-headed Olbermann condemnation. Birther, creationist, secret Muslim, 9/11 conspiracies, Vince Foster, Chuck Norris: they do it all, and false evidence is their favorite kind. WND makes Jenny McCarthy’s Twitter feed read like a peer-reviewed journal, and yet the media pays attention to both, because our culture’s an intellectual cesspool. You know you’re in trouble when even Glenn Beck thinks your Obama conspiracy theories are ridiculous.
Exhibit A: “Think of all the world’s legends about dragons. Look at those images. What were those folks seeing? They were clearly seeing dinosaurs.”
Sentence: 2nd place in a John Stossel lookalike contest.
http://www.buffalobeast.com/wp-content/uploads/2010/01/huffington1.jpg
42. Arianna Huffington
Charges: HuffPo’s health coverage is like a horny chimp with a switch blade: dumb and dangerous. Arrianna’s “Wellness Editor” holds a “PhD” in homeopathy, the fake science of diluting medicine in water to increase its healing power—the higher the dilution, the more potent. In fact, she and other homeopathic quacks sell “medicine,” which is indistinguishable from Evian. Last summer, Arianna’s “internet newspaper” advised people to protect themselves from swine flu with a deep-cleansing enema. Seriously. Every woo-age celebrity with a vaccination conspiracy or snake oil remedy and a laptop is given column space at HuffPo. It hurts to read Dan Akroyd speculate about the existence of ghosts; it’s agonizing to read Deepak Chopra’s shoddy metaphysics, and it may actually kill to publish Bill Maher’s Luddite rants. Apparently, the only thing Huffington won’t let her writers do is get paid.
Exhibit A: “When it comes to health and wellness issues, our goal is to provide a diverse forum for a reasoned discussion of issues of interest and importance to our readers.”
Sentence: AIDS, one of Magic Johnson’s pills, Lake Michigan and a crazy straw.
41. Jake Sully
Charges: Say what you will about his questionable allegiance to, and interspecies intercourse with, the 9-ft blue Indians of Pandora. Say what you will about his refusal to bend to the will of Big Unobtainium. Say what you will about the ex-Marine’s bravery and fighting skill. But for the love of Eywa, why didn’t he at least warn the Na’vi at some point that the humans meant to slaughter them and nine-eleven their giant treehouse? Why, Jake Sully, why?
Exhibit A: “Outcast. Betrayer. Alien. I was in the place the eye does not see.”
Sentence: Soon realizes that living in the woods gets boring pretty fast, loses custody of huge red dragon in ugly divorce.
40. Richard Heene
Charges: He distracted the entire nation with a shiny object. Handicapped his own child by a) naming him Falcon and b) making him the focus of a hoax that wasted millions of dollars and everyone’s time in a sad quest to regain the exploitive reality TV spotlight. Busted by his hyperactive kid on live TV, Heene made the “Today” show the next morning, dragging a suddenly catatonic, vomiting, and clearly drugged balloon boy along to issue the least credible retraction since the inquisition of Galileo.
Exhibit A: “We don’t have cable. The kids don’t watch. And the reason why we disconnected the cable is because there’s so much negative news out there. Well, now I’m a part of it.”
Sentence: Obscurity.
http://www.buffalobeast.com/wp-content/uploads/2010/01/hassan.jpg
39. Muzzammil Hassan
Charges: As the head of America’s first Muslim cable TV network, his story became a cause célèbre for Islamophobes like Michelle Malkin when he ritualistically removed his wife’s head with a sword. Not all Muslims honor-kill their wives because of perverted faith and pathological levels of masculine insecurity, but Hassan’s deplorable actions should remind us all that Muhammad was a sword-happy misogynist, who had a six year-old wife and a tenuous grasp of morality.
Exhibit A: “But the stories that are missing are the countless stories of Muslim tolerance, progress, diversity, service and excellence that Bridges TV hopes to tell.”
Sentence: Honor suicide.
38. Chris Dodd
Charges: We expect senators to be corrupt hypocrites, but when you’re taking no-interest loans from banks you’re supposed to be regulating, and over a hundred grand in campaign cash from AIG while you just happen to exempt them from your bonus crackdown, it doesn’t help to pose as a crusading man of the people, fighting those big mean bankers. Chris Dodd, **** you. **** you for fooling so many nice, if naïve, people into thinking you were on the level. **** you for saying “here” all the time like it’s a goddamn comma. But most of all, **** you for being you, just another phony, entitled senator on the take.
Exhibit A: Dodd’s dad was a Senator too—and he was censured for pilfering $100,000 from his campaign funds in 1967.
Sentence: Accidentally swallows 5,392 dollars in change.
37. It’s Vince from Shamwow!
Charges: As if this menacing pitch-gremlin weren’t viscerally repulsive enough, he confirmed everyone’s intuitive suspicions last year by beating up a hooker in a Florida hotel room. As homage to the gods of irony, he carries on unscathed as the grating voice and disturbing face of a product called Slap Chop, a product he promises will “slap your troubles away.”
Exhibit A: “You’re gonna love my nuts.”
Sentence: Coke stash raided nightly by the shouting ghost of Billy Mays.
http://www.buffalobeast.com/wp-content/uploads/2010/01/Virginia_Foxx3.jpg
36. Virginia Foxx
Charges: There are plenty of terrible people in congress, but none are as ****house dumb as this repugnant, purblind vulture. Aggressively gullible in the way that only those lost to the crude comforts of pure dogma can be, Foxx is similar to her peculiar fans, who call themselves patriots while openly despising 80% of their country’s population, in that she’s able to swallow whole and regurgitate absurd, ahistorical fictions, and go right on believing them in the face of absolute proof of their falsehood. Racially clueless, Foxx thought it relevant to mention that an economist who disagreed with Obama was black. You know, he’s black, and even HE disagrees with Obama. Who is also black. That’s relevant.
Exhibit A: “[Republicans] were the people who passed the civil rights bills back in the ’60s without very much help from our colleagues across the aisle. They love to engage in revisionist history.”
Sentence: To become part of a “hoax,” similar to the Matthew Shepard murder.
35. Teabaggers
Charges: America’s dumbest and most racist citizens finally found a cause they could all get behind that isn’t pro wrestling or NASCAR. The Lolcats of protest sign grammar, they think scare quotes actually make things scary (e.g. “Obama is a ‘communist’ “). They don’t understand that they’re duped showpieces for billionaires who threaten their freedom and prosperity far more than their beloved nemesis, Big Gubmint. And their instant escalation from complacent couch potatoes to rhetorical revolutionaries just happened to coincide with the election of a black Democrat with the middle name Hussein. What are the chances?
Exhibit A: They called it Teabagging first.
Sentence: To star in an extremely patriotic, live ammunition reenactment the Battle of Bunker hill.
34. Terrell Owens
Charges: While not being emasculated on his hit VH1 ‘reality’ show by his two creepily controlling managers, he made Buffalo an even sadder place to live. While he managed to keep his notorious attitude in check (albeit making a rather obvious show of it), he flaked on training camp, slacked all year and dropped more balls than a glazed ham.
Exhibit A: He bet a Bills fan his Bentley that he’d score 10 touchdowns, but he didn’t pay up.
Sentence: Another season with the Bills.
http://www.buffalobeast.com/wp-content/uploads/2010/01/Orly_Taitz2.jpg
33. Orly Taitz
Charges: The mother of all birthers, this OC-based dentist, lawyer, uber-Zionist and all around lunatic spent ‘09 spreading crazy like the flu, and making the legal profession look even more unseemly than usual. She sought to stay an Army doctor’s deployment to Iraq on the grounds that Obama’s presidency is illegal, and when the judge refused to hear the case, she accused him of treason repeatedly, although her client took pains to disavow her as her lawyer in a letter Taitz deemed a forgery. Taitz would know, as submitting badly forged foreign birth certificates as evidence is a favorite practice. In addition to her fevered, baseless agitations against Obama, she runs the gamut of paranoia typical to medication-deprived schizos: FEMA camps, Hugo Chavez-controlled U.S. voting software, and killer bird flu vaccines. Even O’Reilly thinks she’s a “nut,” but as Taitz knows, Fox is partially owned by Saudi Arabia. The only hope left for Taitz’s reputation is that she may actually be Sasha Baron Cohen working on his next film.
Exhibit A: “What is the real intention of this Kenyan, Indonesian communist usurper? …it might be time to start rallies and protests using our second amendment right to bare arms [sic] and organise in militias.”
Sentence: Hot tub sex with Lyndon LaRouche.
32. Geese
Charges: Get the **** out of the way! We’re trying to fly planes here! These feathered kamikazes down scores of aircraft and contribute to our media’s apparent inability to distinguish between preparedness and miracles. Always honking. Downright mean when you get up close to them.
Exhibit A: You know how every once in a while a pillow feather will stab you? That.
Sentence: Foie gras.
31. Michael Bloomberg
Charges: The Berlusconi of Little Italy, and ever-humble coauthor of Bloomberg by Bloomberg, he overturned a voter referendum on NYC term limits and then spent $102 million ($183 per vote) barely winning a third term as mayor. Giuliani thinks he’s doing a good job, so that’s obviously not true. He’s the bane of the preservation society with his bulldoze and build ethic, yet while Dubai can build the tallest skyscraper in the world in 5 years, New York still hosts a rubble park where the World Trade Center used to be.
Exhibit A: Called previous efforts to repeal term limits “a disgrace.” When asked last year why he’d changed his tune, he called the reporter “a disgrace.”
Sentence: Riddled with pocket change thrown from the Empire State Building.
http://www.buffalobeast.com/wp-content/uploads/2010/01/Joe_Lieberman2.jpg
30. Joe Lieberman
Charges: Appears intent on darkening the future of the uninsured in order to exercise a personal grudge. Opposed to government-run insurance, except for Medicare, Medicaid, his 2006 plan “Medi-kids,” And his own plan to expand Medicare, which he now vehemently opposes, on principled grounds, of course, which have nothing to do with campaign donations or waving his baboon-purple *** in the face of Democrats and poor people everywhere. Exemplifies the smug, detached narcissism that characterizes the Senate.
Exhibit A: “I can do more for you and your families to get something done to make health care affordable, to get universal health insurance.”
Sentence: Lieberman has a mild heart attack, and is immediately rushed to a cemetery.