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lexsooner
12/20/2009, 08:43 PM
"I think he [George W. Bush] is one of the best Presidents in American history!" [Yes, this guy I used to know was serious].

"Get your g---d---- boots off my sleeping bag you little son of a b-----!" [by a camp counselor to a kid at summer camp].

"That's my underwear, ya MORON!" [Uttered by a loudmouth New Yorker in his cabin while I was walking by the hallway on an Alaskan cruise].

"Scarface should have won an Oscar" [OU dormmate who really liked Scarface].

"She is a free spirit, wants to find herself. I read about it in Psychology Today, it's called Sudden Divorce Syndrome - everything is ok until a spouse up and leaves one day unexpectedly. That's what happened to me." [co-worker whose wife cheated on him and left him].

VeeJay
12/20/2009, 08:51 PM
Two from The Soprano's:

1. Christopher, when he and Paulie were stuck in the woods of Pine Barrens, cold and hungry: "We should have stopped at that Bob Evans Restaurant back on the highway. The chicken steak sounded pretty good." Paulie: "If it'd have been Dale Evans, I'da f---ed her."

2. Dr. Melfi to Tony, following Anthony's failed drowning attempt in the family pool: "Do you think it was a cry for help, that the rope was too long to keep him submerged?" Tony: "Or it's just 'coz he's a f---ing idiot. Because historically, that's been the case."

Jacie
12/20/2009, 10:18 PM
This one was heard by my then gf and her roommate when they were living in McCasland Tower during freshman year at OU. Their room was one of the two rooms that were closest to the elevator so they often heard bits and pieces of conversations of people on the elevator as the doors would open and close.

One day the doors opened and they heard a girl still on the elevator say, "Five inches of pubic hair." Then the doors closed and they heard no more of the story.

royalfan5
12/20/2009, 10:25 PM
Don't lick your money, you don't know what people in jail might have done with it.

fadada1
12/20/2009, 10:53 PM
"ya'll f-ed up, and now you're gonna pay." - instructor kelm

Chuck Bao
12/21/2009, 07:45 AM
“It’s your life. You are going to have to live it, so make it good.” Advice from my grandmother when I told her I was moving to Asia.

“You have one year to bring me back a half-Chinese grandson, or the deal is off.” Command from my father when I told him I was moving to Asia.

SicEmBaylor
12/21/2009, 08:00 AM
First, let me put this into context...

I was at OK D-Day (biggest paintball game in the world that lasts a week, played on a 1k acre field, and includes over 4k players) and it was during one of the mini-scenario games in a part of the field known as the "valley." We (the Germans) were getting shot to pieces from the allies that had managed to take both ridges so it was a turkey shoot.

WELL, they weren't supposed to shoot within a certain distance of the "Dead Zone" but they got carried away and were shooting directly into what was the safe area but we weren't allowed to fire back. Anyway, the refs totally lost control of the situation.

So, I'm standing there (and you have to imagine a couple of thousand players all tightly jammed into a small playing area) getting shot to pieces and some guy walks up next to me and says, "Well, this is gayer than cum on a mustache."

It was one of those quotes that's said at exactly the right time to perfectly describe a situation.

SanJoaquinSooner
12/21/2009, 09:21 AM
Don't lick your money, you don't know what people in jail might have done with it.

The Chem Dept where I work does a demo test on twenty dollar bills. Frequently, traces of cocaine are detected on the bill.

Soonrboy
12/21/2009, 11:04 AM
my father..."In the end, all you have is your word. Don't ruin it."

StoopTroup
12/21/2009, 11:16 AM
You all SUCK! - by me as I walked out of Chili's last night. My Daughter got food poisoning from it too. I got a bit upset when they continued to ignore the Wife and I so I set the food in the floor. Then some punk came over and tried to tell me that wasn't cool dude. It didn't go well after that.

All they had to do was serve some food and ask us if how everything was. Guess we expected to much from a restaurant.

Jboozer
12/21/2009, 11:18 AM
when the defining moment comes, either you define the moment, or it defined you... (saw it on a random keychain in a gas station in arkansas, has been my motto since I found it.)

C&CDean
12/21/2009, 11:34 AM
"A man's got to know his limitations."

"Go ahead, make my day."

"Do you feel lucky punk? Well DO YA?"

And I'm pretty sure this thread is not supposed to be about movie quotes, but these three are some of the best ever.

Some from my life that I remember:

"Unass my aircraft you ****ing puke" (black hat during jump school)

"You dumbass, didn't you see the monster buck right behind her?" (me, talking to my brother this year deer hunting after he shot a doe and a huge buck was 10 yards behind her in the woods).

A bunch from my pop:

"Her face looks like 40-miles of dirt road."

"He was madder'n a jap."

"Carn sarn and confound it Dean!" (my dad never swore - this was as close as it got).

"This room looks like the wreck of the Hespress." (no clue what the Hespress was - maybe a ship?)

"Don't let me catch you boy." (after mom would tell him I did something bad that day).

"Gimme the belly, the breast, and all the rest." (what piece of chicken do you want)

"A man goes to work. I don't care if it's digging ditches, you go to work and support your family, otherwise, you ain't a man."

StoopTroup
12/21/2009, 11:38 AM
when the defining moment comes, either you define the moment, or it defined you... (saw it on a random keychain in a gas station in arkansas, has been my motto since I found it.)

I defined the moment last night.....lol

StoopTroup
12/21/2009, 11:39 AM
I'm thinking about being the Maid of Honor at my Ex-GF's Wedding. - SicEm

sooneron
12/21/2009, 11:46 AM
"I wouldn't treat women like sex objects if they weren't built for ****ing"

sooneron c. 1993

sooneron
12/21/2009, 11:47 AM
I'm thinking about being the Maid of Honor at my Ex-GF's Wedding. - SicEm

Winner!

OUDoc
12/21/2009, 12:04 PM
Whether it's with a girl or with my hand, I'm the best.
-A fraternity brother of mine.

OhU1
12/21/2009, 12:05 PM
"That was not their normal genital behavior" - Professor Anita F. Hill misspeaking and meaning to say "general behavior" regarding a scenerio where a customer purchased a car for a waitress while drunk.

"I believe your client makes $1,500 a month as much as I believe Elvis is roaming the hallways out there." Judge C. Allan McCall to an attorney trying to reduce his client's child support.
Then, "Your client has played a game and shown me his hand. I'm about to show him mine." before sentencing the man to 60 days in jail for contempt.

"Shove a bananna up your *** female!" The Gloveman to a sorority girl who was in line to buy a donut at Dunkin Donuts on Lindsey Street.

LePetomaine
12/21/2009, 12:19 PM
"I'm so horny I could f___ a sand crab hole" -- a drunken friend after a night out in Galveston

Frozen Sooner
12/21/2009, 12:25 PM
"That was not their normal genital behavior" - Professor Anita F. Hill misspeaking and meaning to say "general behavior" regarding a scenerio where a customer purchased a car for a waitress while drunk.

Got a chance to attend a Q&A with Justice Thomas a couple of months ago. Really witty, entertaining speaker, quite at odds with the public perception of him as sober and somewhat dour.

His best quote was in response to a 1L asking him if he preferred bright-line rules to multi-factor tests, which we had JUST COVERED when we discussed American Well Works and it's descendant cases in Civ Pro. Thomas' answer? "What, is this on an exam or something?"

BillyBall
12/21/2009, 12:26 PM
"Now I'll be upfront about this, I didn't shoot that woman and I didn't give him the shotgun, I just sawed it off for him." - A guy in the HR department at a company I worked at in school.

C&CDean
12/21/2009, 12:29 PM
"I did not have sex with that woman."

"That depends on what your definition of sex is."

SoonerBorn68
12/21/2009, 12:37 PM
Billy Tubbs - If you don't want to get beat by 50 points, get better.

TUSooner
12/21/2009, 01:01 PM
"Any man who doesn't think women rule the world is not paying attention to his own marriage." - J. Fred Mecoy, Allen, TX.

olevetonahill
12/21/2009, 01:28 PM
Gonna put an asswhoopin on you that Oral Roberts Caint pray off .
me some time in the Late 70s

KC//CRIMSON
12/21/2009, 02:06 PM
@*hitMyDadSays:"What are you listening to?...I know who Hall & Oates are god dammit. It's the mustache guy and the gay man."

Sooner04
12/21/2009, 02:07 PM
Good ***** and good whiskey are two things that will never be overpriced.

---My grandfather


If rape is inevitable, sit back and enjoy it.

---Robert Montgomery Knight


That gal is uglier than a sack full of dicks.

---Billy Langford


That woman has the face of a bastard rat.

---Billy Langford

KC//CRIMSON
12/21/2009, 02:07 PM
@*hitMyDadSays: "Everybody's broke, so here's the rule for Christmas this year; if you still *hit your pants, you get a present. Otherwise tough *hit."

KC//CRIMSON
12/21/2009, 02:09 PM
@*hitMyDadSays: “We’re banned from the dog park. Well, I guess it’s okay to hump, and it’s okay to bark, but both at the same time freaks people out."

KC//CRIMSON
12/21/2009, 02:10 PM
@*hitMyDadSays: "A mule kicked Uncle Bob once. Broke his ribs. He punched it in the face.. My point? You have an ingrown *ucking toenail. Stop bitching."

SoonerAtKU
12/21/2009, 02:17 PM
"This room looks like the wreck of the Hespress." (no clue what the Hespress was - maybe a ship?)

Yup. Sorta.


"The Wreck of the Hesperus" is a poem by American poet Henry Wadsworth Longfellow, first published in Ballads and Other Poems in 1842.

KC//CRIMSON
12/21/2009, 02:17 PM
@*hitMyDadSays: "Mom is smarter than you...No? Well, ask yourself this; has mom ever unknowingly had toilet paper hanging out of her *ss?...Mom 1. You 0"

KC//CRIMSON
12/21/2009, 02:19 PM
@*hitMyDadSays "I wanted to see Detroit win. I've been there. It's like God took a *hit on a parking lot. They deserve some good news."

LePetomaine
12/21/2009, 03:50 PM
If rape is inevitable, sit back and enjoy it.

---Robert Montgomery Knight

I think the original credit for that POS statement belongs to Clayton Williams -- sunk his run for Texas governor in a matter of days.

Constantly amazed how people in the public light shoot off toes with such little effort.

SoonerBorn68
12/21/2009, 03:57 PM
The friggin' thing's warped!

The affairs of state outweigh the affairs of state.

I didn't get a harumph outta that guy.

Breadburner
12/21/2009, 04:08 PM
If it f_ucks...fly's or drives your going to have trouble with it.....

the_ouskull
12/21/2009, 04:41 PM
My first (rejected) t-shirt slogan as an initiated member of my fraternity:


"XYZ" - we either drink it, f*ck it, or send it home crying.

I thought it was just the use of the word "f*ck" that was getting it rejected until years later, when I heard the coolest use of the word ever... and you can believe the story or not, but, really? I don't give a sh*t about impressing you people. It's just a good story...

While sharing a pitcher of beer with Barry Switzer, two college-aged girls come up to our table and start chatting with him; typical, "OMG, I'm a big fan" stuff... which he gets a LOT of when he's out, by the way. But, there's a lot of flirting going on too, and, after they join us for another round, near the bottom of that one, he breaks out the greatest pick-up line of all time...


So, either of you ever f*cked a Super Bowl-winning coach?

I love him.

the_ouskull

soonerinabilene
12/21/2009, 05:56 PM
"Saying guns kill people is like saying a spoon made Rosie Odonnell a fatass."-bumper sticker in walmart parking lot.

Jacie
12/21/2009, 06:45 PM
If rape is inevitable, sit back and enjoy it.

---Robert Montgomery Knight

I think the original credit for that POS statement belongs to Clayton Williams -- sunk his run for Texas governor in a matter of days.

Constantly amazed how people in the public light shoot off toes with such little effort.

That was a gaff. The clincher, however, occurred about a week later. He spoke at some big gathering in Dallas and Ann Richards showed up. They came together in the crowd. Ann said, "Hi Clayton!" and stuck her hand out. He goes, "I'm not going to shake your hand." It was all caught on film and made the news. His lead in the polls evaporated overnight. The lesson being, in Texas, even when you are running against em, you don't disrespect women.

OUHOMER
12/21/2009, 07:47 PM
Trust Me-- OUHOMER 9 months before my 1st was born!

Veritas
12/21/2009, 08:05 PM
"That guy has an inadequate appreciation for the unforgiving nature of concrete."
- my buddy Steve watching a guy fly by on a crotch rocket in his tanktop, shorts, flipflops, and $900 Arai

"Those mother****ers."
- Mrs V, who never curses, when the refs gave UT a second back

lexsooner
12/22/2009, 08:19 AM
"I'm so hungry I could eat your toe jam!" [Female friend, on the way to a late dinner].

"Coach K [of Duke] was a West Point grad in the late 60s, and all his classmates went to Nam and many died or were wounded. . . All coach K did was coach basketball in the Army. Why didn't he go? I pay taxes, so I paid good money so Coach K could get burnt in Vietnam!" [UK fan I know who hates Duke].

"The reason we give so much public assistance to Eastern Kentucky rednecks is to keep them out of Lexington. Otherwise, they would move here." [Lexington resident friend of mine].

"She's NOT Tri-Delt material!" [Spoken by my summer intern, a UKentucky Tri-Delt, the elite sorority at UK, after I gave the hypothetical of a Tri-Delt pledge applicant who was frumpy and not very attractive, but had top grades, came from a great family, very involved in campus activities.]

Breadburner
12/22/2009, 08:42 AM
"A hard dick has taken me places I would not go with a loaded shotgun."

beer4me
12/22/2009, 08:55 AM
"Her face looks like 40-miles of dirt road."



My Uncle

"she is so ugly she would make a freight train take a dirt road"

TUSooner
12/22/2009, 09:35 AM
"When my wife does something really horrible, the best I can hope for is that eventually she will forgive me." ~~ Me

Breadburner
12/22/2009, 05:16 PM
"She would F*ck grass if there was a snake in it."

lexsooner
12/22/2009, 08:13 PM
"He would f--- a snake if he could" [Co-worker who knew Larry Bird in French Lick and coached him in Little League baseball. The quote is about Bird's promiscuity and lack of fidelity.].

"Pitiful pass protection by Penn St. . . . I should make him push his Plymouth back to Pennsylvania . . . " [Loud mouth Penn St. fan who spit a big wad on co-worker's shirt by accident after he described a Penn St. loss the previous weekend].

Breadburner
12/23/2009, 02:47 PM
"It was hotter than two mice f*cking in a wool sock."

Pricetag
12/23/2009, 05:24 PM
"Cartilage."

Josh Phillips in seventh grade science class, when asked by the teacher during a discussion on the types of bodily tissues what was between his ears.

Pricetag
12/23/2009, 05:26 PM
"The computer takes regular dumps."

Dr. Vir Phoha, during an Operating Systems lecture.

"What, I have said something funny?"

After the class began giggling uncontrollably.

"It would be one thing if you guys were freshmen, but you are seniors."

After it was explained to him why everyone was laughing.

soonervegas
12/23/2009, 05:39 PM
"They smoke they poke."

Life changing as an 18 yr old male

Petro-Sooner
12/23/2009, 06:04 PM
I dont know if this counts but I was in a sociology stats class my senior year. I would guess there were a couple hundred of us crammed into one of the class rooms in Dale. In the middle of class some guy in the back yells out PENIS. I'm shaking my head, come on people. People start giggling and such and the professor asks what is everyone laughing about? Finally a girl said what the guy had yelled out. He was cool about it I guess. "I dont know what that has to do about statistics but ok".

Breadburner
12/24/2009, 12:05 AM
"It was hotter than a gay blind man at a weenie roast."

SanJoaquinSooner
12/24/2009, 02:01 AM
My roommate at OU, after reading the Marilyn French novel The Women's Room, said: "It made me feel so guilty for being a man, I considered cutting my balls off."

MrJimBeam
12/24/2009, 06:14 AM
"Remember Son, It's not what you know..............it's all that other ****."
--My Dad--

"Nice shot, ****wad."
--My four-ball partner--

IronHorseSooner
12/24/2009, 10:27 AM
"I don't understand any of this ****ing BS!" --The Chaplain who officiated my wedding, commenting on complex finance equations in grad school at Syracuse--

"You can't stick a noodle up a wildcat's arse while it's moving around" --My ex's late grandfather's explanation of why rape doesn't exist--

Blues1
12/25/2009, 01:55 PM
"I only need to Change One Thing" ~~~~ My Whole Life....!

Someone at a AA Meeting..... :)

Breadburner
12/25/2009, 05:26 PM
"I feel like I have been shot at and missed and Sh!t at and hit..."

silverwheels
12/25/2009, 08:04 PM
A few years ago, my nephew, who was then about 4 or 5, was tossing a SpongeBob rubber ball around with his second cousin, also about his age. Her mom was trying to talk to her and my nephew accidentally smacked her right in the face with the ball. She starts bawling and everyone tries to calm her down and make him apologize, so eventually he goes up to her and says, "I'm sorry...but you should have caught the ball."

Then a little while later at another holiday gathering, they were running around or something, and she stepped on a sticker and made a scene again. He waited for her to calm down, then he asked, "Are you done yet?"


My nephew cracks me up.

goingoneight
12/25/2009, 11:07 PM
"Better to burp and taste it than to fart and waste it."

My 5-year old cousin after a good, Christmas dinner burp.

Breadburner
12/26/2009, 10:29 AM
"It was slicker that a minnow's peter.."

ouwasp
12/27/2009, 11:47 AM
"Now how in the world are a buncha atlases gonna help me?"- spoken by a geography teacher in response to my asking him to sign a grant request...

SoonerObsession
12/27/2009, 12:51 PM
My father in law at a 8 year old basketball game...
"You can make some pretty good moves if you don't have to dribble the ball"

"itch where it itches, even if it's in your britches"

My redneck uncle one year after he got a new gun for Christmas...
"Yall wanta see my play pretty?"

Veritas
12/27/2009, 01:08 PM
"Take a deep breath, and then take a drink."
My mother-in-law who does not drink at all after Mrs V and I informed her that we would be bringing a flask of vodka to help us get through Christmas with my family.

AlbqSooner
12/27/2009, 01:11 PM
"I oughta kick yer *** clear back to Vietnam."
A client's father as the father bailed his son out of jail.

AlbqSooner
12/27/2009, 01:12 PM
"If you lead them by the balls, their hearts and minds are sure to follow."
Admiral Halsey

AlbqSooner
12/27/2009, 01:37 PM
"I am as nervous as a Georgia N***** on election day."

Client of mine waiting on a jury to decide his fate.

lexsooner
12/28/2009, 01:00 PM
"She graduated first in her class at the Space Cadet academy." [Actually, I think I said this].

"Kentucky would be such a great state if there weren't so many Kentuckians in it." [Friend of mine].

"People don't work around here. [Lexington, KY] All they do is go out to eat, shop, and drive around." [co-worker who took the day off and found hoards of people out and about].

KC//CRIMSON
12/28/2009, 02:47 PM
@*hitMyDadSays: “Yes I got him a gift. He had a kidney stone. You *iss a rock through your pecker, you deserve more than just a pat on the *ucking back."


*Waves at Jed*

Collier11
12/28/2009, 04:02 PM
"Its windier than a sack full of farts"
"Its hotter than a horny toad in a microwave" both by my redneck buddy Kyle

Collier11
12/28/2009, 04:08 PM
This one is a classic 'you had to be there' moment but it was funny as hell at that moment

Me- Banging on the bedroom door as my buddy is hammering some slut in county line OK "Hey, Zac is in the front yard puking"

My Buddy through the door "who the **** is zac?"

Zac was my buddies cousin Colby, we went to a party with these chicks and gave them made up names

Collier11
12/28/2009, 04:09 PM
A discussion I had with an ex-Gf in a bar about my bad habit of chewin the skin around my fingernails

Me- I read somewhere that chewing the skin around your fingernails is a sign of narcicism

Ex- Isnt that where you fall asleep all the time?

Tulsa_Fireman
12/28/2009, 04:11 PM
"That was amazing."

- Many random women

Collier11
12/28/2009, 04:11 PM
"Im so hungry I could eat the *** out of a menstruating skunk" same redneck buddy from above

Collier11
12/28/2009, 04:12 PM
Overheard at a party, random girl to Jlew "so thats what you call a penis, how cute!"

KC//CRIMSON
12/30/2009, 06:50 PM
@*hitMyDadSays: Ever hear of a comb? The top of your head looks like two squirrels *ucking each other!

12
12/31/2009, 06:50 AM
"She's a fat girl, but she has a big heart."

–high school friend not long after graduation. (...and no, it didn't last)

12
12/31/2009, 06:56 AM
On the bright side, he's still the funniest bastard I've ever known. He has the tattoos to prove it.

KC//CRIMSON
1/2/2010, 12:59 AM
@*hitMyDadSays: Universe is 14 billion years old. Seems silly to celebrate one year. Be like having a *ucking parade every time I take a *iss.

homerSimpsonsBrain
1/4/2010, 06:08 PM
"A long shot with a limb in the way" and "If I tell you a chicken can pull a plow, you just hitch em up" were 2 from an old country boy from Alabama I used to work with.

"I think I lost my woody". -- My son when he was 5 commenting on losing his new toy from Burger King right after Toy Story came out.

"I wouldnt **** her with your dick" and "I'd eat a bucket of **** with a silver spoon just to drink her bath water". -- A HS buddies standard comments when he saw an ugly/attractive girl.

"Did your mother have any children that lived" --unknown

"You could take everything I know, put it in a thimble and still have room for an elephants ***" -- unknown

fadada1
1/4/2010, 10:59 PM
at the OU/notre dame game, asked by an old lady to my buddy and me, "do you have bookstores like this in oklahoma?"

i was too dumbfounded to respond. but 10 seconds later, my internal dialogue said, "no ma'am, we don't read in oklahoma.

Tulsa_Fireman
1/4/2010, 11:16 PM
They don't allow books in the teepees. And besides, the herds of buffalo would just smash 'em up anyway.

soonerboy_odanorth
1/13/2010, 01:57 PM
"That boy's got a brain like a bb in a boxcar." (My grandfather)

"The three most important phrases in marriage: You're right. I'm wrong. I'm sorry." (Heard this one with my ex-wife, can't recall the comedian)

Argument with my ex some months later:

Her: "something-something-blah-blah-blah"
Me: "You're right, I'm wrong, I'm sorry."
Her: "You should've said that from the start."
Me: "You're right, I'm wrong, I'm sorry."
Her: "We really could have avoided all this if you would have admitted it."
Me: "You're right, I'm wrong, I'm sorry."
Her: ....."F*CK YOU!"

"I don't like boobies, but Dillon likes boobies!" (3-year old Son #1 out of the blue in front of a room full of guests while Son #2 was still breast-feeding.)

Jello Biafra
1/13/2010, 02:07 PM
"ya'll been comin' around here playing city p*ssy, now ya'll gonna get country f*cked" Sgt Major Major, erlangen Germany, March 91... (no kidding that was his name. his wifes name was Major Major...son was a e5....made him Sgt major.)

after the discovery had been made that several spouses came up pregnant with their husbands being deployed in iraq for well over 6 months.