An open letter to ham

[CaliBornSoonerBred]

Dear Ham,

Thank you for making my Thanksgivings and Christmases even better by being such a great compliment to those special meals. You rarely want credit for being the main attraction, as turkey holds a firm grip on that title. But I want to thank you ham, for being there for me, my family, and the rest of the Sooner Nation through the good, the bad, and the indifferent.

With sincere adoration,
CaliBornSoonerBred

[SanDiegoSoonerGal]

Hymn to Ham

by Roy Blount Jr.

Though Ham was one of Noah's sons
(Like Japheth), I can't see
That Ham meant any more to him
Than ham has meant to me.

On Christmas Eve
I said, "Yes ma'am,
I do believe
I'll have more ham.

I said, "Yes ma'am,
I do believe
I'll have more ham.

I said, "Yes ma'am,
I do believe
I'll have more ham.

And then after dinner my uncle said he
Was predominantly English but part Cherokee.
"As near as I can figure," I said, "I am
An eighth Scotch-Irish and seven-eighths ham."

Ham.
My soul.
I took a big hot roll,
I put in some jam,
And butter that melted down in with the jam,
Which was blackberry jam,
And a big old folded-over oozy slice of HAM . . .
And my head swam.

Ham!
Hit 'me with a hammah,
Wham bam bam!
What good ammah
Without mah ham?

Ham's substantial, ham is fat,
Ham is firm and sound.
Ham's what God was getting at
When he made pigs so round.

Aunt Fay's as big as she can be —
She weighs one hundred, she must weigh three.
But Fay says, "Ham! Oh Lord, praise be,
Ham has never hampered me!"

Next to Mama and Daddy and Gram,
We all love the family ham.

So let's program
A hymn to ham,
To appetizing, filling ham.
(I once knew a girl named Willingham.)
And after that we'll all go cram
Ourselves from teeth to diaphragm
Full of ham.