batonrougesooner
10/15/2009, 09:33 AM
I'm such a whore. A whore with no self esteem or self respect. I wasn't always this way. I used to be a well adjusted happy person. To understand how I got this way you need to understand my history. I grew up spoiled in a home filled with joy and delight throughout the 80’s. I was always secure in my place in the world. I knew that regardless of the chaos found in society at large, every August I would return to school with my friends and enjoy the sheer thrill of another crisp fall to come. Practically every Christmas there would be presents under the tree, oranges in my stocking. Oh how naïve I was. I just assumed my magical childhood bliss would last forever. I guess magic is just a figment of the child’s imagination. Haven’t seen it for some time. Then one early summer afternoon, my pappy left me. Just up and deserted the whole family. Sure, he had his reasons. He wasn’t perfect and there were some wayward family members who just couldn’t help but drag him down. He had been a great provider for so many years. With him in my life, the cupboard was never bare. He could feed the monster.
There were several years throughout the 90’s where I just wandered, looking for love in all the wrong places as they say. I had a capable role model in my life for a few years. He was a solid guy. Never hit me. Just never excited me either. He too went away. In hindsight I really grew to miss him. I hooked up with an abusive drunk for a short time but he too couldn’t be depended upon. I kicked him to the curb and never looked back. Last I heard he had cleaned himself up and owns a small convienience store in Little Havana. I’m actually surprised he’s still alive. Next I found myself in bed with a man from my past. We had known each other from a distance when I was a kid. He had grown up and gone on to make his mark at a few entry level management type jobs after college but was wanting to come home to set down roots. I was hesitant at first. In hindsight I think I was more in love with the idea of him than the man he actually was or would become. He never took me seriously. Didn’t do the things a man needs to do. Ultimately I couldn’t respect him. Just couldn’t look him in the eye. To this day he feels like I somehow wronged him. Won’t admit his role in the failure of our relationship.
It is now 1998 and I’m beginning to accept my life for what it is and what it has become. Life can be cruel. Life has many disappointments. You realize it’s important to cherish the good times. Cherish childhood because it won’t last forever. I had come to accept this. I was ready to make my own way. I guess what I’m saying is that I was ready to settle. But life has a funny way of surprising you. That surprise was the arrival of my knight in shining armor as the say. He was a friend of a friend. Never met him before but we hit it off immediately. I’m not the type to just jump in the sack with any random guy (despite what you have read above) but I just knew this guy was the one. He told me he loved me. Told me how special I was and how I deserved all the good things in life I had been seeking. He just wasn’t the type to make excuses, you know? We had a whirlwind courtship and it culminated in our marriage a year later in south Florida after a proposal that swept my breath away in Dallas. Now, I’m not stupid. I see all those other girls walking by him on the street. Hiking their skirts up. Showing their cleavage. I know he’s going to look, but he has never touched. He’s committed to me for the long haul. For several years there we had a great relationship. I would get up early, pack his lunch, set out his work clothes, stay up late until he got home. I was his greatest cheerleader. If he needed me to travel across country to support him and his work, I was there. I would foresake my friends, my job, my hobbies. Anything he needed. I believed in him. He had always delivered for me. After a while though, things began to change. I felt a chilly distance. I knew something just wasn’t right, but I couldn’t quite identify where our relationship was faltering. He would snap at me. I noticed he was staying out late with his buddies. He seemed distracted. I don’t think he’s been cheating on me, but I don’t know if he’s been completely faithful either. Does this make sense? Lately he’s been making promises he can’t keep. Promises either vocalized or implied, but promises nonetheless. Sure he takes me on great vacations. We love to take a long weekend and go to Kansas City in the late fall every year. He takes the time to plan it out right. Great hotel, great restraunts, flowers and champaign. We have a great time. I don’t mean to sound ungrateful. I want more. I expect more. Lately we have taken some fabulous trips to some warm weather destinations. At least they are fabulous when you read the brochure. The reality is different. I suspect he’s grown bored with me. Where he used to go all out he’s started to cut corners. You can’t plan a trip to Florida on Priceline and expect to get a travel concierge result. It’s just been disappointing. He promises a worry free vacation. We’ll lately it’s been full of worry and hardly free. Sure maybe I’ve become a little spoiled again. I again found the happiness and security that I knew in my childhood. The happiness I thought was lost.
I admit I’ve been bitter. I’ve lost hope. I want him to prove to me again his love. His devotion. His care. Lately I’ve been shutting him off. He’s let me down a few times even in the last few weeks. It’s not his fault but rather circumstance. I knew this but I didn’t care. Earlier in the week, I promised myself I would never let him hurt me again. I’ve tried to block him from my thoughts. Tried to lower my expectations. But damnit, I can’t. I love him too much. He can hit me. He can look at other women. He can whore me out to his buddies. I don’t care. He’s my pimp and I’m his ho. He’s going to take me to Dallas this weekend. He’s promised me a great time. I didn’t believe him. I believe him now. I’m such a vulnerable codependent fool. I don’t care. Let’s go.
There were several years throughout the 90’s where I just wandered, looking for love in all the wrong places as they say. I had a capable role model in my life for a few years. He was a solid guy. Never hit me. Just never excited me either. He too went away. In hindsight I really grew to miss him. I hooked up with an abusive drunk for a short time but he too couldn’t be depended upon. I kicked him to the curb and never looked back. Last I heard he had cleaned himself up and owns a small convienience store in Little Havana. I’m actually surprised he’s still alive. Next I found myself in bed with a man from my past. We had known each other from a distance when I was a kid. He had grown up and gone on to make his mark at a few entry level management type jobs after college but was wanting to come home to set down roots. I was hesitant at first. In hindsight I think I was more in love with the idea of him than the man he actually was or would become. He never took me seriously. Didn’t do the things a man needs to do. Ultimately I couldn’t respect him. Just couldn’t look him in the eye. To this day he feels like I somehow wronged him. Won’t admit his role in the failure of our relationship.
It is now 1998 and I’m beginning to accept my life for what it is and what it has become. Life can be cruel. Life has many disappointments. You realize it’s important to cherish the good times. Cherish childhood because it won’t last forever. I had come to accept this. I was ready to make my own way. I guess what I’m saying is that I was ready to settle. But life has a funny way of surprising you. That surprise was the arrival of my knight in shining armor as the say. He was a friend of a friend. Never met him before but we hit it off immediately. I’m not the type to just jump in the sack with any random guy (despite what you have read above) but I just knew this guy was the one. He told me he loved me. Told me how special I was and how I deserved all the good things in life I had been seeking. He just wasn’t the type to make excuses, you know? We had a whirlwind courtship and it culminated in our marriage a year later in south Florida after a proposal that swept my breath away in Dallas. Now, I’m not stupid. I see all those other girls walking by him on the street. Hiking their skirts up. Showing their cleavage. I know he’s going to look, but he has never touched. He’s committed to me for the long haul. For several years there we had a great relationship. I would get up early, pack his lunch, set out his work clothes, stay up late until he got home. I was his greatest cheerleader. If he needed me to travel across country to support him and his work, I was there. I would foresake my friends, my job, my hobbies. Anything he needed. I believed in him. He had always delivered for me. After a while though, things began to change. I felt a chilly distance. I knew something just wasn’t right, but I couldn’t quite identify where our relationship was faltering. He would snap at me. I noticed he was staying out late with his buddies. He seemed distracted. I don’t think he’s been cheating on me, but I don’t know if he’s been completely faithful either. Does this make sense? Lately he’s been making promises he can’t keep. Promises either vocalized or implied, but promises nonetheless. Sure he takes me on great vacations. We love to take a long weekend and go to Kansas City in the late fall every year. He takes the time to plan it out right. Great hotel, great restraunts, flowers and champaign. We have a great time. I don’t mean to sound ungrateful. I want more. I expect more. Lately we have taken some fabulous trips to some warm weather destinations. At least they are fabulous when you read the brochure. The reality is different. I suspect he’s grown bored with me. Where he used to go all out he’s started to cut corners. You can’t plan a trip to Florida on Priceline and expect to get a travel concierge result. It’s just been disappointing. He promises a worry free vacation. We’ll lately it’s been full of worry and hardly free. Sure maybe I’ve become a little spoiled again. I again found the happiness and security that I knew in my childhood. The happiness I thought was lost.
I admit I’ve been bitter. I’ve lost hope. I want him to prove to me again his love. His devotion. His care. Lately I’ve been shutting him off. He’s let me down a few times even in the last few weeks. It’s not his fault but rather circumstance. I knew this but I didn’t care. Earlier in the week, I promised myself I would never let him hurt me again. I’ve tried to block him from my thoughts. Tried to lower my expectations. But damnit, I can’t. I love him too much. He can hit me. He can look at other women. He can whore me out to his buddies. I don’t care. He’s my pimp and I’m his ho. He’s going to take me to Dallas this weekend. He’s promised me a great time. I didn’t believe him. I believe him now. I’m such a vulnerable codependent fool. I don’t care. Let’s go.