SoonerStormchaser
2/4/2009, 04:26 PM
Well, it finally happened...Carolyn and I now have four little angels in our barely two years of marital bliss. What started out as a welcome New Years surprise turned into a depressing Super Bowl Sunday tragedy (and I'm not talking about the non-review on Kurt Warner's "fumble" at the end of the game).
I'm not writing this to garner sympathy...I'm writing this because it's time that people finally understand what my wife and I have suffered through in the past two years, because there is this negative stigma that surrounds the notion of a miscarriage that needs to fade away. I wish people could empathize what we're going through. But, unless you've been through this yourself, you can't find an appropriate point of view...so let me explain our viewpoint, as it is the same as the previous three.
As far as we're concerned, we just lost our fourth child. You pro-choice people can debate with us the definition of what constitutes life until you're blue in the face, but you will never convince us otherwise. Just like the other three: we had a baby..we got attached to it...and it died. We saw the ultrasound yesterday. At 7 weeks, it had a head, arms, legs and a torso...today, it is no more. Most people expect us to just accept the loss, snap out of it, and move on as if nothing happened. Well, that will never happen. Just like you mourn the loss of a close family member when they pass away, and can never quite get over it, the same applies here. It doesn't matter if the pregnancy lasted one week, one month, or went to term...
...Which leads me to the subject of what to say to someone who has gone/is going through this. A simple "I'm sorry," will do...but most people actually choose to say nothing, which sends out the signal to the affected persons that they just don't care. Then there are the select few (i.e. the majority of my wife's co-workers...yes, I'm calling them out because they're at the top of my **** list...I only bear two grudges in my life: one is from Ohio, the other is how they have treated my wife over the three years she has worked there) who like to throw some rather insensitive comments our way, with zingers such as:
"Well, at least she's got three kids from her first marriage." Thanks...how does that help lessen the pain of the four that she's lost in her second marriage? Come to think of it, what the hell does that say about the person in the marriage who has NO kids whatsoever?
"Well, she's older, you guys should've expected this." Thanks, that's of great comfort to us...welcome to my **** list.
"You guys can always adopt or get in-vitro/donor egg/etc." This one gets me a little. I know most people haven't exactly looked into the COST of doing any of these three. Adoption? If you're lucky, it'll cost you around $25K in fees, court costs, etc...and that's still no guarantee you'll get a child in the end (I've had family friends who got to the last step and got the rug pulled out from under them and all their money gone). In-vitro? Well, since my wife hasn't had any problems getting pregnant (just staying pregnant), we wouldn't even be considered (much less her age being a factor). Donor egg? ABSOLUTELY NOT! To me, that's the same as having sex with another woman. Not gonna happen.
That leads me to my final soapbox item. People, if you are blessed with that tiny miracle, for the love of God, STOP COMPLAINING ABOUT WHETHER OR NOT IT'S A BOY/GIRL! Carolyn and I have both seen it at our respective workplaces...and we want to just smack people upside the head. Good Lord...you have been blessed with a beautiful baby...shouldn't that be enough, considering you know what great pains and heartbreaks my wife and I have been through in a futile effort thus far?
I want to thank all of you from the bottom of my heart who have sent us sympathies and prayers. We are both truly blessed to have friends like you guys. To the rest of you who don't know what to say...don't worry, you're not on my **** list (you think you'd be reading this if you were?). This is just a PSA so that, and I hope it never happens, you are ever faced with a situation like this, you can at least get a feel from where we're coming from.
I'm gonna lay low on the boards for a bit...to both protect my account as I am in a state of heightened emotions right now (and thus am even more prone than normal to say stuff I don't/shouldn't mean to say)...and to take care of my wife, cause dealing with it just gets worse the more m/c's we have. But, since my wife and I are both stubborn as ****, we know that this probably will not be the last time we have to face this. We just hope and pray that the golden egg is still in there.
~Steve
I'm not writing this to garner sympathy...I'm writing this because it's time that people finally understand what my wife and I have suffered through in the past two years, because there is this negative stigma that surrounds the notion of a miscarriage that needs to fade away. I wish people could empathize what we're going through. But, unless you've been through this yourself, you can't find an appropriate point of view...so let me explain our viewpoint, as it is the same as the previous three.
As far as we're concerned, we just lost our fourth child. You pro-choice people can debate with us the definition of what constitutes life until you're blue in the face, but you will never convince us otherwise. Just like the other three: we had a baby..we got attached to it...and it died. We saw the ultrasound yesterday. At 7 weeks, it had a head, arms, legs and a torso...today, it is no more. Most people expect us to just accept the loss, snap out of it, and move on as if nothing happened. Well, that will never happen. Just like you mourn the loss of a close family member when they pass away, and can never quite get over it, the same applies here. It doesn't matter if the pregnancy lasted one week, one month, or went to term...
...Which leads me to the subject of what to say to someone who has gone/is going through this. A simple "I'm sorry," will do...but most people actually choose to say nothing, which sends out the signal to the affected persons that they just don't care. Then there are the select few (i.e. the majority of my wife's co-workers...yes, I'm calling them out because they're at the top of my **** list...I only bear two grudges in my life: one is from Ohio, the other is how they have treated my wife over the three years she has worked there) who like to throw some rather insensitive comments our way, with zingers such as:
"Well, at least she's got three kids from her first marriage." Thanks...how does that help lessen the pain of the four that she's lost in her second marriage? Come to think of it, what the hell does that say about the person in the marriage who has NO kids whatsoever?
"Well, she's older, you guys should've expected this." Thanks, that's of great comfort to us...welcome to my **** list.
"You guys can always adopt or get in-vitro/donor egg/etc." This one gets me a little. I know most people haven't exactly looked into the COST of doing any of these three. Adoption? If you're lucky, it'll cost you around $25K in fees, court costs, etc...and that's still no guarantee you'll get a child in the end (I've had family friends who got to the last step and got the rug pulled out from under them and all their money gone). In-vitro? Well, since my wife hasn't had any problems getting pregnant (just staying pregnant), we wouldn't even be considered (much less her age being a factor). Donor egg? ABSOLUTELY NOT! To me, that's the same as having sex with another woman. Not gonna happen.
That leads me to my final soapbox item. People, if you are blessed with that tiny miracle, for the love of God, STOP COMPLAINING ABOUT WHETHER OR NOT IT'S A BOY/GIRL! Carolyn and I have both seen it at our respective workplaces...and we want to just smack people upside the head. Good Lord...you have been blessed with a beautiful baby...shouldn't that be enough, considering you know what great pains and heartbreaks my wife and I have been through in a futile effort thus far?
I want to thank all of you from the bottom of my heart who have sent us sympathies and prayers. We are both truly blessed to have friends like you guys. To the rest of you who don't know what to say...don't worry, you're not on my **** list (you think you'd be reading this if you were?). This is just a PSA so that, and I hope it never happens, you are ever faced with a situation like this, you can at least get a feel from where we're coming from.
I'm gonna lay low on the boards for a bit...to both protect my account as I am in a state of heightened emotions right now (and thus am even more prone than normal to say stuff I don't/shouldn't mean to say)...and to take care of my wife, cause dealing with it just gets worse the more m/c's we have. But, since my wife and I are both stubborn as ****, we know that this probably will not be the last time we have to face this. We just hope and pray that the golden egg is still in there.
~Steve