Asking the father for permission to marry his daughter?

[MR2-Sooner86]

For starters I'm not getting married but the debate did come up today at work. I've heard this debate before and it seems to be a 50/50 split on it.


Do you guys believe a guy should ask the father for permission to marry his daughter? Did any of you guys do it? Did any of you not do it? Those of you with daughters do you want their boyfriend to ask you for permission?

One person today said, "the guy should always ask because it's the right thing to do and he'll look better in the eyes of the father."

Another person said, "it doesn't really matter because either way I was going to ask her."

I know people think it's the right thing to do but I know others that think it doesn't matter. Was just wondering what you guys thought on the matter.

[sooneron]

Ask both parents if they are alive. Unless the daughter hates them or something. I asked my wife's mother, as her father was deceased. It's the right thing to do.

edit:
I have a little girl, her suitor (if I ever allow one :D ) damn sure better nut up and come to me first.

[shaun4411]

its the "proper" thing to do. but it isnt really practiced these days. but it wouldnt hurt to try it.

[colleyvillesooner]

I did it, two years ago next month. The right thing to do and everyone of my friends did it as well

[Tulsa_Fireman]

Yes, ask.

I asked. It was gonna go down regardless, but now having a daughter, it makes a lot more sense now. It's not necessarily that you're asking to marry a father's daughter, you're asking the father for a chance to step up and step into the role of the main man in his daughter's life. Asking Dad to let you step into what was once his role.

It's a tip of the hat. A show of respect to the father for raising the girl you want to spend the rest of your life with. Good job, Dad. I wanna be a part of this.

[OUDoc]

I did. It's a class move worth some points with the FIL. I would have married her anyway and I think he knew it.
The guy better ask me even though she's my step-daughter. Putz will probably do it by text message these days.:rolleyes:

[StoopTroup]

I asked Dad. Mom had already passed due to an illness.

Had she been alive...I definitely would have and my Wife says she would have loved me.

Her Dad told me no.

J/K

He's a great guy.

As uncomfortable as it was...I'm glad I asked.

[VeeJay]

My son-in-law of eight months did ask me. Probably the most respectful thing he's done. It is definitely the right way to get a relationship off on the right foot with the parent(s). I gained a world of respect for him as well, even though they would have still gotten married regardless of my response. If nothing else, it's symbolic of the groom-to-be in demonstrating respect for the girl and maturity in the decision-making process.

That's the way I see it.

[Chuck Bao]

And what if it is a gay marriage? Do the same rules apply?

[VeeJay]

Just for the sake of assumptions, I think this snappy banter is targeted at flaming heterosexuals.

[SoonerStormchaser]

When it came that time, I didn't ask her parents...I asked her children.

[bluedogok]

I think it has to do with your ages, my wife was 38, I was 39, I lived in OKC, she lived in Austin and her dad lived in West Texas. Neither of us had been married before but I didn't ask and we had a fairly short engagement. If we had been younger, living in the same town as family, maybe but it was never really an issue with them.

[Chuck Bao]

So, you don't want to know about or acknowledge your children being in a same-sex marriage?

It's not religious or anything like that. The major problem is fear that your children may prove happy committing their lives with someone of the same sex. That's IT, isn't it? Fear and loathing.

You'd rather your child live an unhappy life than admit to your friends and family that one of your offspring is gay.

Despite your deep feelings of wanting your children to find happiness in this life, you still can't reconcile it with flash ideas going through your mind about the very base things that must go on in a gay relationship.

It's funny that you mention flaming hetrosexuals. So, you are focusing on the sex act and not two people in love and committed to a lifetime together.

For the sake of discussion and perspective that is interesting. So, if you are a father and a suitor asks for your daughter's hand in marriage. Are you thinking about him getting into her pants? And, is that also a bit perverted?

[SouthFortySooner]

To me it is all about due respect. If he is due, yes, if no, fagetaboutit.

[LilSooner]

My poor sweet husband not only asked my biological father, my mother, my adoptive father, and both of my grandparents.


He is a good man. I'm gonna keep him.

[VeeJay]

Chuck - there's a time and a place for everything. Your attempt to psychoanalyze my post is really not necessary.

I had a discussion on this very issue today at work. FYI, if my child were gay it would not change the way I felt or the love I have for my child. That being stated, I don't believe I've even heard of a sitcom scene yet where a gay person asks the father of another gay person for their hand in marriage. Could be that because in most states it's still not recognized.

As for the comment about my daughter's boyfriend getting into her pants, that's a pitiful attempt at "in your face" dialogue yet I'll leave that with you to figure out if that's what I'm thinking about. (They've been married eight months and I presume the marital activity is normal and accounted for). However, if you'll re-read my original response in this thread, you'll see that I was talking in general terms, and forgive me if I have slighted the gay community. The way I live my life is not consumed by knee-jerk reactions if the gay community is not satisfied I've taken their wishes and demands into consideration.

Carry on.

[Soonerus]

ask...

[Howzit]

I did. It's a class move worth some points with the FIL. I would have married her anyway and I think he knew it.
The guy better ask me even though she's my step-daughter. Putz will probably do it by text message these days.:rolleyes:

What he said.

[Rogue]

In general, probably best to ask.
That said, I didn't. Daddy-o and mommy-o had been splitsville for many years. He was sort of a satellite figure in her life at the time. We get along great with each other and both her parents and mine.

So, I guess I'd say it depends on the situation.

[Soonerus]

In general, probably best to ask.
That said, I didn't. Daddy-o and mommy-o had been splitsville for many years. He was sort of a satellite figure in her life at the time. We get along great with each other and both her parents and mine.

So, I guess I'd say it depends on the situation.

I agree with not asking the satellite...

[Chuck Bao]

I am not trying to psychoanalyze. I was just asking some questions. Please excuse me if I'm intruding on the "flaming hetrosexuals" perogatives on asking a hand in marriage because of current legal restrictions.

Would you respect the fella or gal who says that are devoted and will spend their life together, but do not plan to have a state recognized marriage.

What if they say that they think they are already married in the eyes of God, but they still need your blessing? Is that still good?

It's funny that you mention that no gay couple that you've heard about has asked the father to bless the union. Personally, I've heard of a lot of cases where the son goes home to die and the family, seeing the undying love and committment from the partner, are willing to view the relationship differently than they would have under different circumstances. That's not psychoanalyzing. It's more from personal experiences.

I'm not trying to take this thread off on a tanget, so please carry on.

[Soonerus]

I am not trying to psychoanalyze. I was just asking some questions. Please excuse me if I'm intruding on the "flaming hetrosexuals" perogatives on asking a hand in marriage because of current legal restrictions.

Would you respect the fella or gal who says that are devoted and will spend their life together, but do not plan to have a state recognized marriage.

What if they say that they think they are already married in the eyes of God, but they still need your blessing? Is that still good?

It's funny that you mention that no gay couple that you've heard about has asked the father to bless the union. Personally, I've heard of a lot of cases where the son goes home to die and the family, seeing the undying love and committment from the partner, are willing to view the relationship differently than they would have under different circumstances. That's not psychoanalyzing. It's more from personal experiences.

I'm not trying to take this thread off on a tanget, so please carry on.

the parallax view....

[Frozen Sooner]

Back on target...

Yes. If father is alive and was involved in raising the daughter, then a gentleman asks permission.

[FroggyStyle22]

The only thing I would add is to phrase it as asking for his/their blessing instead of permission. Small point but asking for permission sounds a little childish.


Oh yeah and waiting til he's good and drunk is never a bad call either.

[Whet]

No, unless you must negotiate with the bride's father to determine how many heads of cattle and other chattel you must give the father to marry his daughter...

[Chuck Bao]

I think for Chinese families, it is the groom's family that must provide the dowry as the bride goes lives with the groom's family.

For Indian families, the bride's family supplies the dowry, as it is sort of an early inheritance.

So when an Indian man marries a Chinese woman, they get not much.

And for this reason, China and India hate each other until this day.

[Collier11]

I think it is respectful, I would do it but I dont reckon you have to

[SicEmBaylor]

For starters I'm not getting married but the debate did come up today at work. I've heard this debate before and it seems to be a 50/50 split on it.


Do you guys believe a guy should ask the father for permission to marry his daughter? Did any of you guys do it? Did any of you not do it? Those of you with daughters do you want their boyfriend to ask you for permission?

One person today said, "the guy should always ask because it's the right thing to do and he'll look better in the eyes of the father."

Another person said, "it doesn't really matter because either way I was going to ask her."

I know people think it's the right thing to do but I know others that think it doesn't matter. Was just wondering what you guys thought on the matter.

I asked my g/f's father for permission before proposing. She broke up with me before I had the chacne, but I did get his blessing first. I think it's appropriate depending on the relationship the father/daughter have. If he's dome dead beat she has no respect for then it would be somewhat inappropriate to show him greater respect than she herself does.

[colleyvillesooner]

one of the most nervous moments of my life. Even though you know it wild go fine, it's still nerve racking.

[PhilTLL]

Seems a little passe (or worse, if you think about two men discussing the "fate" of a sovereign woman). But then, I've never asked a girl to marry me. If I have a really good bond with her dad, I'd give him a respectful heads-up before I told the rest of the family, but his "permission" I don't think I/we would need. If she felt strongly about it, I'd at least put up the effort, but the final decision would have to be ours, not dad's.

My own personal dad would probably not be able to avoid a smirk if my sister's boyfriend asked him. She's a big girl and she can decide for herself.

[trey]

i didn't do it mainly because her mom is a freaking lunatic. i thought if her mom found out from her dad that i was going to ask, she would tell my wife. damn, i hate that bitch!

[GrapevineSooner]

one of the most nervous moments of my life. Even though you know it wild go fine, it's still nerve racking.

Sounds about like my experience.

My Father-in-Law and I get along great, but I fully admit that the first time I ever met him (long before my wife and I even thought about dating), I was intimidated.

But then I got to know the family and they welcomed me in. Still, I had issues with the delivery and kind of botched it with a, "Hey, can I marry your daughter?" ;)

[BillyBall]

one of the most nervous moments of my life. Even though you know it wild go fine, it's still nerve racking.

I think I'll need to have a few drinks in me before...

[SoonerJack]

My poor sweet husband not only asked my biological father, my mother, my adoptive father, and both of my grandparents.


He is a good man. I'm gonna keep him.

So Lil, did it go like this?

"Would all those in favor of Lil's fiance joining the family, please say 'aye'."

"aye"

"Opposed? Same sign."

{silence}

"Looks like you're in, kid."

[LosAngelesSooner]

I wouldn't ask, but I'd let him know I was gonna ask her ahead of time and tell him that I hoped we had his approval and best wishes.

Why wouldn't I ask? Because if he said, "No," which I don't think he would, I would STILL go ahead and ask her. So in my opinion "asking him for permission" would be an insincere act since his answer really wouldn't have any effect on me either way.

Maybe I'm splitting hairs here or getting bogged down in symantics, but that's just how I feel. And in my case, I'm probably gonna ask her sooner rather than later.

[LosAngelesSooner]

I asked my g/f's father for permission before proposing. She broke up with me before I had the chacne, but I did get his blessing first. I think it's appropriate depending on the relationship the father/daughter have. If he's dome dead beat she has no respect for then it would be somewhat inappropriate to show him greater respect than she herself does.
Sometimes you make me so sad.

[r5TPsooner]

I 1st asked the future bride if she wanted me to or not, she said NOPE, it's my decision, and that was that she said. He's a nice guy and all, but wasn't much of a father, and he sure isn't much of a grandfather or FIL.

In the end, I left it up to the little lady.

[Collier11]

I believe he saddens himself much more

[sooneron]

I wouldn't ask, but I'd let him know I was gonna ask her ahead of time and tell him that I hoped we had his approval and best wishes.

Why wouldn't I ask? Because if he said, "No," which I don't think he would, I would STILL go ahead and ask her. So in my opinion "asking him for permission" would be an insincere act since his answer really wouldn't have any effect on me either way.

Maybe I'm splitting hairs here or getting bogged down in symantics, but that's just how I feel. And in my case, I'm probably gonna ask her sooner rather than later.

I think most here are equating the conversation with one of asking for a blessing.

[Bone]

No need to ask. What's the point? The daughter is an adult and can make her own choice. If the parents have a problem with it they should express their concerns to the daughter prior to a proposal ever happening.

[Bone]

And I had no questions about my father-in-law's approval. My wife complains that her parents like me more than her.

[Bone]

Oh yeah and waiting til he's good and drunk is never a bad call either.

That could go either way.

[LosAngelesSooner]

Ah, okay. I just wouldn't "ask permission" to marry my girl. I'd let him know what I intended and then hope he'd approve and give it his blessing.

Of course, my gf is really close to her dad. And he's a cool guy.

[OUDoc]

Mine was more of a "hey, I'm going to ask your daughter to marry me, I hope you're cool with that". It was a sign of respect from me to him. Hell, it wasn't my wife's first marriage, my FIL probably thought I was nuts for even asking (she already had 3 kids). I felt it was the right way to get started with my FIL.

[Collier11]

And I had no questions about my father-in-law's approval. My wife complains that her parents like me more than her.

by parents do you mean her mom? ;) :D

[Kels]

I asked for permission. It was respectful and the right thing to do. I knew that I wasn't just marrying her, but joining her family. Why wouldn't I want their blessing? I've seen too many couples that have estranged relationships with their extended families over this kind of thing. I'm glad I did it.

[LilSooner]

So Lil, did it go like this?

"Would all those in favor of Lil's fiance joining the family, please say 'aye'."

"aye"

"Opposed? Same sign."

{silence}

"Looks like you're in, kid."

Um, no. You don't get that kind of jacked up family by everybody being adult enough to be in the same room.

He had to do it the old fashioned way.

[ADs_Agent]

One of the hardest conversations ever to have is to tell the future F-I-L that you want to marry his daughter, but you have to suck it up, be a man and do it.

I agree it is a sign of respect for his office as the main man in her life, and that taking over that role is something a father should not have taken but should be allowed to give. Plus had my F-I-L not given his permission, I doubt my wife would have married me.

[Pricetag]

I didn't ask, and looking back, I regret it. It was a measure of respect that my father-in-law deserved. I'm sure he couldn't care less, but if I had to do over again, I would ask.

[TexasSooner01]

My husband asked my son, who was 5 at the time. He even took my son to help him pick out the ring. My husband later asked my parents and explained to them that my son came first. They understood and it totally won them over.