Chuck Bao
5/14/2008, 12:27 AM
Before the mods delete this thread, I just want to say that it is meant as a fun exercise in politics because 1) it is silly, 2) it can’t really be ignored as a male self esteem issue and 3) it is really silly.
So, before we get into the possibility of a chick pres, which of the dead old pres and the remaining live ones had the biggest swinging dicks and which one had the smallest?
This is my opinion:
Biggest:
Abe Lincoln – Lincoln had some gargantuan issues going on from big feet, big hands and big nose and oh yeah that civil war thingy. Okay, he was butt ugly. But, going by the modern-day notion about male porn stars – you must have two out of three to be successful – big dick, nice body or nice face. So, rail splitter Abe had two out of the three and would probably have made a career in today’s porn industry, but certainly not in the political industry. And, that’s a shame, or it could be, depending on how you look at it.
George Washington – Father of the country. He never produced kids, but probably his aide-de-camp did enjoy his company on those many Martha-less wintry nights. Love the wig. Love the stockings. Love everything, darling. Then, there is that Washington monument that is just a big phallic symbol. Nobody else is getting an erection that big, EVAR!
J.F. Kennedy – Over-achiever, drug user and most notoriously promiscuous president in history. That is besides having the hottest first lady ever. Ummm… shouldn’t we like make it a tradition to dress up the current Hollywood hottie each year to sing “Happy Birthday, Mr. President” as sort of fertility rite to ensure plentiful harvests and the sun rising and the president rising…up to the task.
Bill Clinton – The self-proclaimed first black president and we all know what that’s supposed to mean. Wink, wink. Almost impeached because of that “I did not have sex with that woman” speech. Bonus points for being able to produce copious loads of DNA on that blue dress and on that actually rather commonly-looking intern. Negative shrinkage points on that politically-ambitious “first lady” of his.
Smallest:
George W. Bush – “Is it in yet?” “No” “Is it in yet?” “Yes” “Well, take it out!” Unfortunately, clarity of that “in yet” and “out yet” still eludes some folks.
William H. Taft – It may have been really big, but we’ll never know. He wouldn’t have known either since he couldn’t have possibly seen it. He went on to the Supreme Court chief justice. He still may have trouble finding his dick under that black robe.
Jimmy Carter – He thought about it, or rather the things he could have done with it. He sinned in his own mind (according to Playboy interview), but he never did anything about it. Wanker! What is it worth if you don’t use the dang thing? And, that could very much be used to describe his presidency.
Richard Nixon – Tricky Dick. No gimmicks should have been needed for the really truly big ones. Okay, they all use it in the office. He was the one caught with his hands down inside his pants, feeling around.
William H. Harrison – No lasting power.
So, before we get into the possibility of a chick pres, which of the dead old pres and the remaining live ones had the biggest swinging dicks and which one had the smallest?
This is my opinion:
Biggest:
Abe Lincoln – Lincoln had some gargantuan issues going on from big feet, big hands and big nose and oh yeah that civil war thingy. Okay, he was butt ugly. But, going by the modern-day notion about male porn stars – you must have two out of three to be successful – big dick, nice body or nice face. So, rail splitter Abe had two out of the three and would probably have made a career in today’s porn industry, but certainly not in the political industry. And, that’s a shame, or it could be, depending on how you look at it.
George Washington – Father of the country. He never produced kids, but probably his aide-de-camp did enjoy his company on those many Martha-less wintry nights. Love the wig. Love the stockings. Love everything, darling. Then, there is that Washington monument that is just a big phallic symbol. Nobody else is getting an erection that big, EVAR!
J.F. Kennedy – Over-achiever, drug user and most notoriously promiscuous president in history. That is besides having the hottest first lady ever. Ummm… shouldn’t we like make it a tradition to dress up the current Hollywood hottie each year to sing “Happy Birthday, Mr. President” as sort of fertility rite to ensure plentiful harvests and the sun rising and the president rising…up to the task.
Bill Clinton – The self-proclaimed first black president and we all know what that’s supposed to mean. Wink, wink. Almost impeached because of that “I did not have sex with that woman” speech. Bonus points for being able to produce copious loads of DNA on that blue dress and on that actually rather commonly-looking intern. Negative shrinkage points on that politically-ambitious “first lady” of his.
Smallest:
George W. Bush – “Is it in yet?” “No” “Is it in yet?” “Yes” “Well, take it out!” Unfortunately, clarity of that “in yet” and “out yet” still eludes some folks.
William H. Taft – It may have been really big, but we’ll never know. He wouldn’t have known either since he couldn’t have possibly seen it. He went on to the Supreme Court chief justice. He still may have trouble finding his dick under that black robe.
Jimmy Carter – He thought about it, or rather the things he could have done with it. He sinned in his own mind (according to Playboy interview), but he never did anything about it. Wanker! What is it worth if you don’t use the dang thing? And, that could very much be used to describe his presidency.
Richard Nixon – Tricky Dick. No gimmicks should have been needed for the really truly big ones. Okay, they all use it in the office. He was the one caught with his hands down inside his pants, feeling around.
William H. Harrison – No lasting power.