Graduation Speech - HALP!

[Rogue]

I'm the keynote speaker at a master's degree hooding ceremony next week. I'm not much of a speaker it doesn't have to be too long. Google was not a big help. I figure the SO illuminati will be good for a few pearls, some laughs, and who knows what else.

So, against my better judgment, whattya got?

:pop:

[LilSooner]

Well you could always go with as an opener....

If Mike Brady was such a great architect why did the Brady's house only have 1 bathroom for 9 people?

[Howzit]

Try to work in something about dead hookers in the freezer somewheres.

[King Crimson]

"members of the working class, throw off your chains".

[Viking Kitten]

Tell them when they play roulette, always bet on black.

[Howzit]

And the 'Leave Britney Alone' youtube video - talk about that.

In fact, give the whole speech in that person's voice. That. wouldbe. awesome.

[StoopTroup]

Start with something simple like "I have a dream!". :D

YWIA

[King Crimson]

just get up in front of the mic, wave your hands around....pause, look side to side, quizzical....look offstage. smile. clench your fist, hoist in the air.....and yell into the mic...."ladies and gentlemen.....Led Zeppelin!".

[GottaHavePride]

gc-yl_8ywiU

[GottaHavePride]

U9QXyuUqKCs

[GottaHavePride]

gLt73xSJlAM

heh

[GottaHavePride]

W_q_z1_d0mE

[King Crimson]

quadruple post? why?

[GottaHavePride]

One speech. Four parts.

[King Crimson]

my bad.

[Okla-homey]

just give them the old tried and true "its called 'commencement' because now they have to commence doing what they've been studying" chestnut.

Then, inform them according to the US Bankruptcy Code, student loans are not dischargeable in bankruptcy. So, time to get to work.

Oh, and make sure you give props to the spouses, moms and dads in the audience. They're the only ones paying any attention to what you'll be saying anyway.

Finally, tell them that their new degrees might open some doors, but after they walk thru those newly opened doors, they'll have to produce. Otherwise they will be let go and replaced by some other newly minted master degree holder this time next year. Unless they have a government job. Federal, state or municipal. In that case, its all good. Those folks need only show up at work and hang out. No one will probably notice for at least five or six years that they aren't actually doing anything. By then, they'll be vested and they can't be fired unless they get busted for embezzlement or something.;)

[VeeJay]

Use Homey's mugshot post as a slideshow and close the presentation with "And THIS, ladies and gentlemen, is why you must actually USE your education!"

[Chuck Bao]

I don’t know if this fits into your philosophy, Rogue, but if I had my chance to talk with new graduates, this is what I’d say:

Buy low and sell high is always good advice. Patience and a cool head helps.

Don’t try to time the bottom or top of the market exactly right. Don’t get greedy and don’t beat yourself up with would’ve, could’ve, should’ve.

But, never forget to cut losses if you’re not going to win. When you buy already have a cut-loss strategy in mind and never deviate from that original strategy. You may be convinced that you are still right and possibly you are, but you can always buy back in later when the market turns.

Don’t let anyone ever see the fear in your eyes, even when you’ve just pooped your pants.

Save all of your emails, especially those showing that you had at least some part in the successes and those showing that blame for failures should firmly rest with someone, anyone else. And if you don’t have any of those, well, get busy writing them.

Assume all telephone calls and emails are tapped, recorded or saved.

Always ask if your hooker / drug dealer / bookie is a policeman or police woman.

Steal, lie and cheat as much as you can to get ahead. People respect money. Even if you have a **** reputation, your kids and grandkids won’t have to bear that reputation and they’ll be okay with that and the money.

Eat, drink, smoke and have as many affairs as you want to. Money is no good without these things.

Diets are for sissies. My grandma told me that. Okay, she actually said: “Go out there and work or jump up and down if you have to. Never tell me again you ain’t gonna eat all of my fixins”.

Don’t trust doctors or lawyers. Always get a second opinion, or a third opinion if the first two don’t suit you.

Don’t whine. Never whine. There is nothing more pitiful than a would-be Republican whining about his/her tax dollars going to a bunch of losers. Pretend to be a Democrat and act like you give a ****.

[Frozen Sooner]

"Folks, when we started our journey through school, we were afraid. For most of us, it was the first time we were spending a significant amount of time away from our houses. We were scared of strangers. We were scared of people of the opposite sex. We were scared of being touched. We were scared of the dark. For many of us, the educational journey has involved overcoming these fears and many more that we didn't know about on that first day: the fear of public speaking, the fear of forgetting the answer on a major test, or the fear of the job market.

"As you go on life's journey, I'm sorry to say that while some fears go away, they will be replaced by new fears that are unique to you as your fingerprint. As you encounter each new fear, though, I ask you to think on one thing: It really wasn't all that bad to get touched by a strange girl in the dark, now was it?"

[Flagstaffsooner]

Friends, Romans, countrymen, lend me your ears;I come to bury Caesar, not to praise him.The evil that men do lives after them;The good is oft interred with their bones;So let it be with Caesar. The noble BrutusHath told you Caesar was ambitious:If it were so, it was a grievous fault,And grievously hath Caesar answer'd it.Here, under leave of Brutus and the rest -For Brutus is an honourable man;So are they all, all honourable men -Come I to speak in Caesar's funeral.He was my friend, faithful and just to me:But Brutus says he was ambitious;And Brutus is an honourable man.He hath brought many captives home to RomeWhose ransoms did the general coffers fill:Did this in Caesar seem ambitious?When that the poor have cried, Caesar hath wept:Ambition should be made of sterner stuff:Yet Brutus says he was ambitious;And Brutus is an honourable man.You all did see that on the LupercalI thrice presented him a kingly crown,Which he did thrice refuse: was this ambition?Yet Brutus says he was ambitious;And, sure, he is an honourable man.I speak not to disprove what Brutus spoke,But here I am to speak what I do know.You all did love him once, not without cause:What cause withholds you then, to mourn for him?O judgment! thou art fled to brutish beasts,And men have lost their reason. Bear with me;My heart is in the coffin there with Caesar,And I must pause till it come back to me.

[Widescreen]

HELLO CLEVELAND!!!!!

[Jimminy Crimson]

Everybody's Free (to wear sunscreen)

Ladies and Gentlemen of the class of '97... wear sunscreen.

If I could offer you only one tip for the future, sunscreen would be IT.

The long term benefits of sunscreen have been proved by scientists whereas the rest of my advice has no basis more reliable than my own meandering experience.

I will dispense this advice now.

Enjoy the power and beauty of your youth. Never mind. You will not understand the power and beauty of your youth until they have faded. But trust me, in 20 years you'll look back at photos of yourself and recall in a way you can't grasp now how much possibility lay before you and how fabulous you really looked.

You are NOT as fat as you imagine.

Don't worry about the future; or worry, but know that worrying is as effective as trying to solve an algebra equation by chewing bubblegum. The real troubles in your life are apt to be things that never crossed your worried mind; the kind that blindside you at 4pm on some idle Tuesday.

Do one thing every day that scares you.

Sing.

Don't be reckless with other people's hearts, don't put up with people who are reckless with yours.

Floss.

Don't waste your time on jealousy; sometimes you're ahead, sometimes you're behind. The race is long, and in the end, it's only with yourself.

Remember compliments you receive, forget the insults; if you succeed in doing this, tell me how.

Keep your old love letters, throw away your old bank statements.

Stretch.

Don't feel guilty if you don't know what you want to do with your life. The most interesting people I know didn't know at 22 what they wanted to do with their lives, some of the most interesting 40 year olds I know still don't.

Get plenty of calcium.

Be kind to your knees, you'll miss them when they're gone.

Maybe you'll marry, maybe you won't, maybe you'll have children, maybe you won't, maybe you'll divorce at 40, maybe you'll dance the funky chicken on your 75th wedding anniversary. Whatever you do, don't congratulate yourself too much or berate yourself, either. Your choices are half chance, so are everybody else's. Enjoy your body, use it every way you can. Don't be afraid of it, or what other people think of it, it's the greatest instrument you'll ever own.

Dance. Even if you have nowhere to do it but in your own living room.

Read the directions, even if you don't follow them.

Do NOT read beauty magazines, they will only make you feel ugly.

Get to know your parents, you never know when they'll be gone for good.

Be nice to your siblings; they are your best link to your past and the people most likely to stick with you in the future.

Understand that friends come and go, but for the precious few you should hold on. Work hard to bridge the gaps in geography in lifestyle because the older you get, the more you need the people you knew when you were young.

Live in New York City once, but leave before it makes you hard; live in Northern California once, but leave before it makes you soft.

Travel.

Accept certain inalienable truths, prices will rise, politicians will philander, you too will get old, and when you do you'll fantasize that when you were young prices were reasonable, politicians were noble and children respected their elders.

Respect your elders.

Don't expect anyone else to support you. Maybe you have a trust fund, maybe you'll have a wealthy spouse; but you never know when either one might run out.

Don't mess too much with your hair, or by the time you're 40, it will look 85.

Be careful whose advice you buy, but, be patient with those who supply it. Advice is a form of nostalgia, dispensing it is a way of fishing the past from the disposal, wiping it off, painting over the ugly parts and recycling it for more than it's worth.

But trust me on the sunscreen.

[Rogue]

Some gems in here amid the lumps of dung!

[StoopTroup]

Never bang your best friends Wife...let the neighbor do it and make sure your friend gets the tape you made for his protection in court.

[Rogue]

Don’t let anyone ever see the fear in your eyes, even when you’ve just pooped your pants.

Assume all telephone calls and emails are tapped, recorded or saved.

Always ask if your hooker / drug dealer / bookie is a policeman or police woman.

Steal, lie and cheat as much as you can to get ahead.

Eat, drink, smoke and have as many affairs as you want to. Money is no good without these things.

Don’t trust doctors or lawyers. Always get a second opinion, or a third opinion if the first two don’t suit you.

Don’t whine. Never whine. There is nothing more pitiful than a would-be Republican whining about his/her tax dollars going to a bunch of losers. Pretend to be a Democrat and act like you give a ****.

Greatness right there. The stuff I deleted was just because it's not quite as sig-worthy.

[soonerscuba]

May your hats fly as high as your dreams.

[SouthFortySooner]

the concept of treating others like you would like to be treated could carry some weight

[Okla-homey]

Here's one more.

Statistically speaking, every graduating class has at least one member die within five years of this day. So, look around. Which one of you is it gonna be?;)

[BlondeSoonerGirl]

Avoid the clap.

[BillyBall]

Never under any circumstance take a laxative and a sleeping pill at the same time.