POst you "famous" Office inside joke phrases here...

[TheHumanAlphabet]

POst you = Post your

Funny things you guys say among trusted others based on wackiness of colleagues in the office - along with background as to why its funny...

I'll get it started...

I work in a small SME group within a major petrochemical company. One of my colleagues needs more "managing" than most. He is quite talented from an SME standpoint, just not good at taking direction. He tends to like to do what he wants to do. Anyway, we have a new supervisor who is a mover and shaker and he has a weekly list to update as to work tasks, etc. This person was given a couple of things to do last month and they have yet to be completed. Upon one particular thing being queried, he goes on about how other priorities were being worked, blah, blah, blah. So Supervisor asks, just where he was on it, if he started it or about to complete it. The response was "Its Number 6 on the list".

Like why not next or #2, but #6??? Its now a new buzz phrase between my admin and myself.

[Viking Kitten]

Kim Jong-Il!!!

[Viking Kitten]

BATH DAY!

[M]

Uhhhhhhh...

[Viking Kitten]

WHERE'S WALLY?!?!?!

[Viking Kitten]

LET'S SEE WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU THROW A TYPEWRITER DOWN A FLIGHT OF STAIRS!!!

[M]

"Now let me show you what proper office attire is. Here, let me show you some examples from this McCall's fashion book for the business woman, circa 1955. See how she wears a petticoat under her dress? Modesty is always best, girls!"

[Viking Kitten]

Of course, we'll make sure they ALL get recycled.

[stoops the eternal pimp]

ALT-CTRL-DEL will fix it!

[M]

It's Law Day, **** YEAH!!!

[Viking Kitten]

THIS DIET COKE IS NOT COLD ENOUGH. YOU ARE AN UNWORTHY INTERN!

[M]

PLUSHIES

[M]

You know what calamari served in land-locked states is made out of?

[TheHumanAlphabet]

Well, M, Thanks for playing, but back stories will help others revel in your humor as well.

[M]

BRUNO FROM ALFALFA COUNTY

[BudSooner]

LOCK YOUR COMPUTER!

[Viking Kitten]

"Okay, little UCO intern applicant. Let's see your writing samples. So you have no concept of AP style. THAT'S WONDERFUL! And let's see. You've written a piece on how great it is that UCO students can get the morning after pill in the school clinic. Great! You're telling me you're an irresponsible whore!"

[Viking Kitten]

Well, M, Thanks for playing, but back stories will help others revel in your humor as well.
How much time you got?

[M]

Co-workers who are obsessed with fairies, dragons, Yanni and Shania Twain and ask "qwerstions"

[M]

SIX-INCH SAUSAGES!!!!

[Viking Kitten]

M: "Why does L always close out that red and white Website whenever I walk into her office.?"

[M]

M: "Why does L always close out that red and white Website whenever I walk into her office.?"

LOL!!!!!

[M]

**** YOU LADY, THAT'S WHAT STAIRS ARE FOR!!

[M]

"I don't know what caused the breakers to blow. Space heaters? What space heaters?"

[Viking Kitten]

"WHO PUT PASTIES ON THE LADY OF JUSTICE???"

[M]

*fap fap fap*

[M]

METADATA CLEANSING

[Viking Kitten]

"Could you please clarify what the Law Day theme of 'Voting: Democracy in Action' means?"

"Oh, please allow this Monk-E-Mail to better explain that, kind teacher."

[M]

I know we've only known each other four weeks and three days, but to me it seems like nine weeks and five days. The first day seemed like a week and the second day seemed like five days. And the third day seemed like a week again and the fourth day seemed like eight days. And the fifth day you went to see your mother and that seemed just like a day, and then you came back and later on the sixth day, in the evening, when we saw each other, that started seeming like two days, so in the evening it seemed like two days spilling over into the next day and that started seeming like four days, so at the end of the sixth day on into the seventh day, it seemed like a total of five days. And the sixth day seemed like a week and a half. I have it written down, but I can show it to you tomorrow if you want to see it.

[M]

"Put on this grass skirt and coconut bra. Come on, let me take your picture. I promise I won't e-mail it to everyone I know, and I will get you all lathered up."

[Jerk]

"Focus on Zero"

It comes from a safety slogan.

It wounds like something I said to myself in High School, while smoking pot and putting off homework.

[Viking Kitten]

The new phone system's here! The new phone system's here! I'm somebody now!

[Viking Kitten]

PUMCHATKA! You like, what you see, Justice O?

[Frozen Sooner]

VK and M work with a bunch of jerks. ;)

[M]

MOTHER F*CKER!!!!!!!!!!!!!1!

[M]

SLEAZY MOTEL RINGTONE

[Viking Kitten]

Ooh! I like this ringtone for the new phone! It makes my office feel like a sleazy motel!

[Viking Kitten]

DAMN YOU M! :D

[M]

[paging entire building] "INTERN, PLEASE REPORT TO THE BASEMENT IMMEDIATELY, PLEASE REPORT TO THE BASEMENT IMMEDIATELY!"

[M]

WHY DO YOU HAVE A DRAWER FULL OF TACO BELL HOT SAUCE PACKETS??!

[stoops the eternal pimp]

I'd buy that for a dollar

[M]

DID YOU SEE THE HOTEL CHARGED US A $200 PUKE CLEAN-UP FEE?

[M]

[HUGE CRASH COMING FROM VK'S OFFICE]

M: OH, VK JUST KNOCKED HER PHONE ON THE FLOOR AGAIN!!!

[M]

S-T-D
I think my **** is rotting off of me
Cuz it really burns when I go pee
Oh why did I
Join *-*-D?

[Sooner Born Sooner Bred]

"Could you please clarify what the Law Day theme of 'Voting: Democracy in Action' means?"

"Oh, please allow this Monk-E-Mail to better explain that, kind teacher."I think I still have that somewhere. HA

[soonermix]

blue ganster
its my mongoose
... and i totally picked it
plop-plop-plop
black toe
like a monkey fu**ing a football
johnny wrong time
put her in her box the bad chinese woman
crazy peepers... he's peepin on you and he's peepin on me

[TheHumanAlphabet]

How much time you got?

That's the point! ;)

[TheHumanAlphabet]

"Put on this grass skirt and coconut bra. Come on, let me take your picture. I promise I won't e-mail it to everyone I know, and I will get you all lathered up."

I want to hear the story on this one!

[TheHumanAlphabet]

DID YOU SEE THE HOTEL CHARGED US A $200 PUKE CLEAN-UP FEE?

I want to hear that on eas well...

Reminds me of a Band fraternity trip to Arlington (Kappa Kappa Psi). One of the guys got really drunk, locked out of his room, I think a coat hanger was on the door knob, and so as he was sleeping on the floor, puked on the floor and then put the pillow over it and went back to sleep.

[TheHumanAlphabet]

"Focus on Zero"

It comes from a safety slogan.

It wounds like something I said to myself in High School, while smoking pot and putting off homework.

So you must be going to a Forbes Top 5 Petrochemical company..."Nobody gets Hurt!"

[Sooner Born Sooner Bred]

At my last job, at a non-profit ministry, we implemented a new timesheet.

The instructions kept referring to "T&A."

T&A is very important to this organization.

[soonersis]

S.O.S. -- Stuck On Stupid
I/O error -- Idiot Operator

[LilSooner]

Hot bowl of crazy

I got nothing.

[frankensooner]

I think VK and M like this thread





a little too much ;)

[Hot Rod]

Co-worker - "Why is it I can't type in any numbers?"
Other co-worker to him - "Dude, you have to turn your Num Lock on"

Now, "NumLock" means you're being stupid 'round these parts.

[M]

Oh, almost forgot:


"THE DIORAMA HAS RUN ITS COURSE."

and

DROP-KICKING 5TH GRADERS' DIORAMAS DOWN THE HALL.

[OU4LIFE]

7+1

hahahahahaha

[SicEmBaylor]

"Beat guy!"
"Do we like [Insert Subject Matter Here]?"
"He's the bright orange beacon of freedom."
"Time to implement the 'Bottom 10%' plan!"

(I don't have a job so these are organizational inside jokes)

[Sooner Born Sooner Bred]

1-800-NO AGENT

[Fugue]

Taint was not purged by consent.

don't ask :P

[SoonerTerry]

I work with an Idiot named ***..

One of the passwords into a software development machine is NO***

[M]

Purchase at Office Depot - 6.5 in x 7.25 in CD/DVD bubble mailing envelopes for PSAs & 300 7.5 in x 10.5 in envelopes for fliers :rolleyes:

[Viking Kitten]

Purchase at Office Depot - 6.5 in x 7.25 in CD/DVD bubble mailing envelopes for PSAs & 300 7.5 in x 10.5 in envelopes for fliers :rolleyes:

PUT THAT IN THE LAW DAY NOTES!

Sure thing, C. Because a year from now I might forget how big CDs are and get the wrong size.

[Viking Kitten]

[HUGE CRASH COMING FROM VK'S OFFICE]

M: OH, VK JUST KNOCKED HER PHONE ON THE FLOOR AGAIN!!!

Actually it was just Bates' Motel's napkin.

[Vaevictis]

SALT LICK!

Someone in our office brings in a salt lick he "found" in a field, and dumps it in some guy's chair. Guy asks, "What the hell is this?" I say, "That's a salt lick." "What's that?" "It's a block of salt. You lick it."

So he licked it.

[M]

PUT THAT IN THE LAW DAY NOTES!

Sure thing, C. Because a year from now I might forget how big CDs are and get the wrong size.


Or just embrace the fact that it's 2008 and you can save hours of time by distributing the PSA via mp3.

[Viking Kitten]

My God, this is a funny thread.

[M]

Actually it was just Bates' Motel's napkin.

I AM EXTREMELY ALLERGIC TO ONIONS.

[Oldnslo]

didn't Joe fire.... YOU?!

[M]

PUT THAT IN THE LAW DAY BINDER!

Fixed. :P

[Viking Kitten]

BIENVENIDO TO JOSE'S CASA DEL MEXICANO! CAN I TAKE YOUR ORDER?

I'll have a ham sandwich.

[Viking Kitten]

Fixed. :P

Which one... the binder from 2006 that's never been updated, the one from 2007 that's never been updated, or the one from 2008 that will be hastily thrown together when Law Day's over to make it look like somebody actually made a binder?

[M]

VK: GOOD GOD, SHE'S ON THE PHONE TRYING TO FIND SOMEBODY TO TAKE THESE OLD BOOKS. SHE'S CALLED LIKE SIX PEOPLE I'VE COUNTED WHO'VE ALL APPARENTLY SAID NO.

M: THE FIVE STAGES OF GRIEF: DENIAL, ANGER, BARGAINING, DEPRESSION ACCEPTANCE.

[SleestakSooner]

SIX-INCH SAUSAGES!!!!

So you only want a half order?:P

[Viking Kitten]

So you only want a half order?:P

We don't want to double the poor Mexican Nonna's lady's workload.

[M]

So you only want a half order?:P

I think you should direct that question to VK.

[M]

We don't want to double the poor Mexican Nonna's lady's workload.

Yeah, you were already a big enough basketfull, I mean basketcase, for her.

[Rogue]

OK, who here HASN'T licked a salt lick?

One guy in the very upper echelon's of management is, not-so-affectionately, known as "Sparky." I have no idea if there's a story behind it, but I like the guy and think it's hilarious. He's usually a pretty sharp dresser, but has this hideous light purple silk suit that everyone knows as "the pimp suit." He's a pretty good sport about things, but has no clue about these.

One of our coworkers, who's usually pretty up on popular culture stuff, has no clue when to respond with a "that's what she said." Misses every real opportunity and tries it when it just doesn't work. Hilarity ensues.

We do panel job interviews. Yeah, you're being judged and if you do something memorable, we will NEVER forget it. A few classics:

-guy with unbuttoned fly

-response to question asking you to tell us about a past mistake you made: if your client died, you're probably not who we're looking for and should have used a different example.

-For some reason a few of our coworkers swore off television years ago. Ripe for references that fly right over their heads. About a bajillion Seinfeld, The Office, Office Space, etc.

"You don't choose a surgeon based on their personality."

[SleestakSooner]

We've just had an ID10T error!

[Rogue]

The Good Idea Fairy's been at it again.

[SleestakSooner]

It is always fun to ask the worst speller in the office how to spell not-so-hard to spell words!

"Rich, how do you spell incompetent again?"

[Oldnslo]

job applicant: In my spare time, I like to tinkle on the ivories.

[StormySooner-IN]

MY Office = High School



"Hey, please watch your FU****NG LANGUAGE!"

[SleestakSooner]

"They did my bloodwork wrong and I have to go back to the doctor again this afternoon!"

[phead903]

We need to integrate this across the enterprise.
Our new VP of Mktg gave a presentation at our last sales meeting and kept talking about "Integrating this or that across the enterprise". We didn't know if he was talking about business or an old Star Trek episode.

[JPNSKER]

When you first walk into our restroom, you can see if someone is in the first stall.

Our customer service guy, who has an office next to mine, walked into the bathroom & noticed the person in there clearly was sitting down, but had his feet leaning forward, or on his toes. He stopped by on his way back to his office & informed me that someone was in a crotch-rocket stance in the stall.:eek:

Since that day, we now tell everyone we're going to take a CRS...

[goingoneight]

So I work for Turnpike Transit in Tulsa (trucklining company).

We hire this guy back in 2001 (before my time) who is... special... for lack of a better word. Weirdo, too. Not only is he weird, he stinks, he's stupid and he repulses the chicks in the office area. :D

He just blasts through the front door one day and yells at the lady in reception "McRib is BACK!!!"

So nowadays, we just refer to idiots as "McRibs." Like today, I told my boss their was 'some McRib who wanted to speak to you.' It's kind of a sensitive subject to be called a McRib on the job there now, too. I was just joking around at the Christmas party and called someone a McRib and he still hasn't spoken to me.

That and everyone who works for more than 8 hours for us gets a nickname.

[soonerhubs]

Manager: Did you follow the sales Process? What are you doing differently?
Agent: So I'm doing it wrong?
Manager: It's not wrong it's different.
Agent: Different from the right way, so it's wrong.

[TheHumanAlphabet]

Okay, gotta to ask.

VK and M - what kind of nut house do you work in?

[Sooner Born Sooner Bred]

"Oh look, SBSB, they have aioli on the menu!"

[OCUDad]

"Can you smell his hair?" or "Can you smell her hair?"

Depending on the gender of the co-worker with their head up their ***

[Viking Kitten]

Okay, gotta to ask.

VK and M - what kind of nut house do you work in?

Heh.

Let's just say it was either laugh or drive ourselves crazy.

[M]

AWKWARD!!!

[Viking Kitten]

I SAID... WHERE'S WALLY???

http://img72.imageshack.us/img72/9609/bobcatsn3.jpg (http://imageshack.us)

[M]

WHEN THE OFFICE BITCH BURSTS INTO YOUR OFFICE AND, WITHOUT SAYING A WORD, STARTS MEASURING YOUR FURNITURE WITH A TAPE MEASURE.

[frankensooner]

Bar dues? What a waste of money! How are they actually spending that money?

[Viking Kitten]

I'M QUIT CLAIMING THAT. 'CEPT I'LL GIVE HER A ONE SINCE SHE'S GOT A MOUTH.

[Viking Kitten]

BACK IN HIGH SCHOOL I ______ A LOT OF ____!!!!

[M]

DO NOT USE ON HUMANS: FOR USE ON CIRCUS ELEPHANTS ONLY

[M]

LIST OF POSSIBLE THREESOMES:
"ONLY IF IT'S GOD'S WILL"

[Sooner Born Sooner Bred]

"It's 4:30 on a Friday. Must be a slow news day because ******* ******** is on the phone for you."

[M]

THE ANNUAL PRE-A.M. LECTURE ABOUT BEING A RESPONSIBLE EMPLOYEE.

[frankensooner]

"It's 4:30 on a Friday. Must be a slow news day because ******* ******** is on the phone for you."
BARBARA HOBEROCK? ;)

[Viking Kitten]

I'M GONNA LEAVE THIS GIANT FOAM FINGER SHOCKER IN MY DESK AS A GIFT FOR MY REPLACEMENT!

[M]

WHY IS UNCLE SAM #1 GIVING UNCLE SAM #2 A B.J.?

[Viking Kitten]

WHY IS UNCLE SAM #1 ALWAYS GIVING UNCLE SAM #2 A B.J.?

Fixed. :D

[M]

THE COMPANY CHRISTMAS PARTY IS NEXT WEEK. BETTER GO BUY SOME PLASTIC TARPS.

[Viking Kitten]

N.M.P: NOT MY PROBLEM!

[M]

WYHT (WHEN YOU HAVE TIME), BE SURE YOU READ THIS BULL**** E-MAIL I'M SENDING YOU ON OUR BUSIEST DAY OF THE MONTH.

[frankensooner]

M - are you going to score some of that BOG barbecue at noon?

[MamaMia]

WE'RE ALMOST OUT OF IRRIGATING SOLUTION.

[MamaMia]

THE PISTOL PETE RETAINER COSTS EXTRA.

[Osce0la]

JOHN HENRY

[Chuck Bao]

Sideways up, or sometimes it's sideways down.

That's our stock market strategist's daily market call.

Of course, I'm still hungover by the time and I'm a bit nauseous.

[BillyBall]

"It doesn't matter if we don't make any gross margin with that pricing, the secret is all in the volume"

[Viking Kitten]

Girls, I'm going to be in meetings all week. I've discovered a new way for you to get in touch with me while a meeting is in progress. It's called "Text Messaging." It sends a message directly from your phone to mine! What I want you to do is contact the Director of the IT department, so he can show you how to send a "Text Message."

[M]

OH YEAH RIGHT, INTERN. THIS IS THE SIXTH TIME YOU'VE CALLED IN SICK BECAUSE YOU BROKE OUT IN HIVES FROM EATING LOBSTER.

[M]

GIRLS, HERE ARE SOME PHOTOS I TOOK FROM A PARADE OF HOMES TOUR. THEY ARE GREAT INSPIRATION FOR HOME DECORATING. WHAT, DON'T YOU LIKE THAT PASTEL SOUTHWEST THEME?

[M]

WHAT? *** HAD A NOONER??!!

[M]

EVERYTHING MUST BE RECYCLED!!! NOTHING CAN BE THROWN AWAY!!!

...which leads to...

GEEZ, VK, YOU HAVE TO EMPTY THAT BIN OF EMPTY DIET COKE CANS THREE TIMES A WEEK!

[Viking Kitten]

YOU KNOW WHAT C NEEDS? TO GET BOUNCED OFF A HEADBOARD A FEW TIMES. I'LL DO IT. I'LL TAKE ONE FOR THE TEAM.

[M]

"EVERY TIME I SEE A BOX OF CHOCOLATE COVERED CHERRIES, I THINK OF PROM AND MY SPECIAL NIGHT WITH YOU, BIG DANNY. LOVE, S.F."

[Viking Kitten]

PLEASE ENJOY THIS AUTOGRAPHED PHOTO OF YOUR SPECIAL GIRL, STRETCHY McSTRETCHMARK.

[M]

PRETTY SOON I WILL HAVE TWO LIVE-IN GIRLFRIENDS FROM MOLDOVA.