Okla-homey
11/10/2007, 08:09 AM
On Veterans Day Eve, you might be career military if:
- Your children clear housing before going to college...
-You require your mechanic to replace the sandbags in you floorboard as part of a routine tune-up...
-Your station wagon is equipped with blackout lights...
-Your kids volunteer to pull air guard on the school bus...
-Your kids call their mother "Household 6."
-You give the command "Fix bayonets" at Thanksgiving Dinner...
-You yell GAS, GAS, GAS when someone farts
-Your kids show their meal cards at the kitchen door, except the oldest, who is on separate rations...
-You make your daughter sign out on Prom Night...
-You refer to your spouse affectionately as "the spousal unit."
-Your wife conducts an AAR hotwash after sex...
-Your son fails the third grade but tells everyone he was a "phase three recycle."
-Your kids get an LES for their allowance...
-You only necktie is the one that goes with your dress uniform
-You threaten to punish your spouse for having dinner too late by reducing her to "Wife First Class."
-Your kids recite their ABC's phonetically...
-Your wife left you and you held a "Change of Command" ceremony...
-Your dog's name is "Ranger."
-Your son's name is "Ranger."
- You believe you have job security because someone, somewhere, always needs killing.
-All your possessions are military issue...
-Your kids fashion cardbaord Claymores and put them at the perimeter of the backyard...
-Your newborn's first words were "all OK Jumpmaster."
The Story of Uncle Bob
The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment: get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it. The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories.
Katie said, "My father's a farmer and we have a lot of egg-laying hens. One time we were taking our eggs to market in a basket on the front seat of the pickup when we hit a bump in the road and all the eggs went flying and broke and made a mess" "And what's the moral of the story?" asked the teacher. "Don't put all your eggs in one basket!" "Very good," said the teacher.
"Now, Lucy?" "Our family are farmers too. But we raise chickens for the meat market. We had a dozen eggs one time, but when they hatched we only got ten live chicks. And the moral to this story is, don't count your chickens until they're hatched." "That was a fine story Lucy.
Johnny do you have a story to share?"
"Yes, ma'am, my daddy told me this story about my uncle Bob. Uncle Bob was a Special Forces NCO in Afghanistan and his helicopter got hit. He had to crash land and all he had was a bottle of whiskey, a machine gun and a machete.
He drank the whiskey on the way down so it wouldn't break and then he landed right in the middle of 100 Taliban. He killed seventy of them with the machine gun until he ran out of bullets, then he killed twenty more with the machete till the blade broke and then he killed the last ten with his bare hands."
"Good heavens," said the horrified teacher, " What kind of moral did your daddy tell you from that horrible story?"
"Don't f*ck with Uncle Bob when he's been drinking."
- Your children clear housing before going to college...
-You require your mechanic to replace the sandbags in you floorboard as part of a routine tune-up...
-Your station wagon is equipped with blackout lights...
-Your kids volunteer to pull air guard on the school bus...
-Your kids call their mother "Household 6."
-You give the command "Fix bayonets" at Thanksgiving Dinner...
-You yell GAS, GAS, GAS when someone farts
-Your kids show their meal cards at the kitchen door, except the oldest, who is on separate rations...
-You make your daughter sign out on Prom Night...
-You refer to your spouse affectionately as "the spousal unit."
-Your wife conducts an AAR hotwash after sex...
-Your son fails the third grade but tells everyone he was a "phase three recycle."
-Your kids get an LES for their allowance...
-You only necktie is the one that goes with your dress uniform
-You threaten to punish your spouse for having dinner too late by reducing her to "Wife First Class."
-Your kids recite their ABC's phonetically...
-Your wife left you and you held a "Change of Command" ceremony...
-Your dog's name is "Ranger."
-Your son's name is "Ranger."
- You believe you have job security because someone, somewhere, always needs killing.
-All your possessions are military issue...
-Your kids fashion cardbaord Claymores and put them at the perimeter of the backyard...
-Your newborn's first words were "all OK Jumpmaster."
The Story of Uncle Bob
The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment: get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it. The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories.
Katie said, "My father's a farmer and we have a lot of egg-laying hens. One time we were taking our eggs to market in a basket on the front seat of the pickup when we hit a bump in the road and all the eggs went flying and broke and made a mess" "And what's the moral of the story?" asked the teacher. "Don't put all your eggs in one basket!" "Very good," said the teacher.
"Now, Lucy?" "Our family are farmers too. But we raise chickens for the meat market. We had a dozen eggs one time, but when they hatched we only got ten live chicks. And the moral to this story is, don't count your chickens until they're hatched." "That was a fine story Lucy.
Johnny do you have a story to share?"
"Yes, ma'am, my daddy told me this story about my uncle Bob. Uncle Bob was a Special Forces NCO in Afghanistan and his helicopter got hit. He had to crash land and all he had was a bottle of whiskey, a machine gun and a machete.
He drank the whiskey on the way down so it wouldn't break and then he landed right in the middle of 100 Taliban. He killed seventy of them with the machine gun until he ran out of bullets, then he killed twenty more with the machete till the blade broke and then he killed the last ten with his bare hands."
"Good heavens," said the horrified teacher, " What kind of moral did your daddy tell you from that horrible story?"
"Don't f*ck with Uncle Bob when he's been drinking."