Why Parents Drink.

[rufnek05]

A father passing by his son's bedroom was astonished to see that his bed was nicely made and everything was picked up. Then he saw an envelope,
propped up prominently on the pillow that was addressed to "Dad." With the Worst premonition he opened the envelope with trembling hands and read the letter.

Dear Dad:

It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope
with my new girlfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with Mom and
you. I have been finding real passion with Stacy and she is so nice. But
I knew you would not approve of her because of all her piercing's,
tattoos, tight motorcycle clothes and the fact that she is much older than I. But it's not only the passion...Dad, she's pregnant. Stacy said that we will be very happy. She owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. We share a dream of having many more children. Stacy
has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone.
We'll be growing it for ourselves and trading it with the other people that
live nearby for cocaine and ecstasy. In the meantime we will pray that
science will find a cure for AIDS so Stacy can get better. She deserves it.
Don't worry Dad. I'm 15 and I know how to take care of myself. Someday
I'm sure that we will be back to visit so that you can get to know your
grandchildren.

Love, Your Son, John

PS. Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at Tommy's house. I just
wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than the report
card, that's in my center desk drawer. I love you. Call me when it's safe to come home.

[sooner_born_1960]

An asswhoopin' for sure.

[OUDoc]

Funny.

But I'd tell him if his grades keep sucking, he'll be lucky to marry Stacy. :D

[the_ouskull]

I would have written the following reply:

-----

Son,

I understand that things aren't going well with you and Stacy, and you're considering coming back home after your brief fling, but first there are some issues between you and I that need to be discussed.

1) Your report card, while FAR from the most important thing about you, is still a rather large, and rather important part of your life; not only now, but in the future as well.
2) While you may not think that the occasional bad grade is a big deal, colleges DO think this, and, if you are unable to receive funding for college due to the occasional bad grade, even the most well-written joke letters in the world won't earn you enough to pay a year's tuition, books, room, and board... not to mention the cost that goes into living on campus.
3) The time that you spent writing your fake letter could have been spent in an even more productive manner. Perhaps you could have learned the difference between transitive and intransitive verbs or familiarized yourself with the various proofreading marks so that, when teachers correct you, you know what they're saying and can use it to improve yourself and your efforts, rather than confuse them.
4) More than anything, know that I DO love you, and it is because I love you that, until your grades are back up to the point where I feel comfortable reading letters like that one because I know it's a joke instead of because I know I may soon be relieved of the burden of raising you and paying for every aspect of your being... you are grounded.

There is no post script to this letter. Feel free to unplug your Playstation, TV, and radio before I return. I'll see you in half an hour. I'll be bringing job applications when I come, so have a pen ready. It is my sincere belief that, if you have that much free time, you may as well make productive use of it, seeing as you're obviously not doing much studying.

Love,
Dad

-----

the_ouskull

[Tulsa_Fireman]

I'd punch him in the face.

THE FACE.

[r5TPsooner]

At least he's not gay.

[badger]

My older brother was so insanely smart that my parents had lower expectations for me... I'd say a less pressured situation worked out well... after I decided to start doing homework, and such.

Then again, most of elementary school homework is so dang pointless that I just pretty much refused to do the same stupid things over and over... like as follows:

1- Write your answers in complete sentences. I mean, COME ON! The questions are like this...

"Who was the president of the Confederate States of America?"
Is the answer "Jefferson Davis?" NO! The answer is: "The first president of the Confederate States of America is Jefferson Davis." I felt like I was playing Jeopardy... but if I answered "Who is Jefferson Davis?" I probably would have been sent to the office.

2- Do 100 of the same type of math problems, but show your work.

Seriously, SHOW YOUR WORK? My work is as follows: "I KNOW what six times six is, so I DON'T NEED TO WRITE IT OUT EVERY TIME I WRITE IT!" Thirty effing six. Oh, and teachers wonder why kids don't have enough school supplies to last the entire year?? Well, it's cuz you're making us waste all these pencils, paper and other crap on SHOWING OUR WORK AND WRITING IN COMPLETE SENTENCES!

3- Just stay busy and shut up for a few minutes so I don't have to watch you.

My favorite in my least-favorite types of homework. Personal essays... book reports... journals... arggggggh. The only thing these prepared me for were online blogs and message boards.

In conclusion, teachers have a tough job, and kids like me probably made it tougher... alas, they're probably taking credit for my college degree and graduation right now in their "success rate reports" to the state, so it's probably an even trade-off... amazing to think that the kids who shut up and wrote their busy work and showed their work dropped out of college or never went. That's what you get for taking your figurative spanking through 13 years of school!

[NormanPride]

I'm telling your mother.

[badger]

I'm telling your mother.
My mother already knows! She's the one that had to punish me over and over after parent-teacher conferences... both scheduled and impromptu.

"Excuse me, Mrs. badger's mom? Hi, this is badger's teacher, and we need to schedule an appointment to talk about badger's schoolwork..."

I think a female "Calvin" from "Calvin and Hobbes" would be a fair comparison for those "golden" years.

[NormanPride]

Did you make disturbing snowmen during the long winter?

[goingoneight]

At least he's not gay.
True... :texan:

[Chuck Bao]

Are you sure?

That whole drama letter thing sounds pretty gay to me.

The being gay thing is probably in his next missive - hey folks I have cancer. No, not really, I'm just gay!

[StoopTroup]

Hi Son.

(Throat Punch)